Below is a letter to my FWH, who has not strayed again, but feel that he is only a drink or two away from the next "shoe" dropping. Note: 14 mos. sober til around mid Sept 2012.
I will provide more info if asked.
Thank you for any suggestions with letter.

Dearest Husband,
I am writing this letter to you with the heaviest of hearts and soul. I love you more than you can possibly understand. I have loved you from the night we met across that room, you with your oversized jacket and wonderful goatee. I�ve loved you through the first years together as parents, and I love you even now, with all the pain and suffering of the last 2 years.
I fear that our current situation is leading us to a place of irreparable damage, and in order to hold onto the tenuous love I have for you, I feel we must separate in order to maintain that love. I can no longer, without lasting damage to my psyche and heart, continue to aid & abet you in your quest to destroy all that I believe is worth anything in this world. If I truly believed I or the kids could be of any help to you in your quest to find out what you need and want in this life, I would stay. However, I truly believe that we are only enabling you to continue your self destructive behavior.
It is for these reasons that I ask for your cooperation in a complete separation and no contact. I ask that you pass along only pertinent child and financial information through an intermediary that I have asked to assist in this matter. ???? will be that person, and all info should be passed through them to me.
I ask that only in an extreme emergency, involving Son or Daughter should you contact me directly.
I can only hope and dream that what we started building after the debacle of 2011 can be re-started again, once you have worked through your addictions. I promised myself at the beginning of our recovery process that I would not stop trying as long as I believed that I had done everything in MY power to save our lives and love. I believe that I am at that point. I no longer believe there is anything more I can do to save us� it is now in your turn to drive the bus. You can choose to take the wheel or not. I will know through our intermediary when you are ready to fully take on that responsibility, through your actions.
With immense love and hope,
Your Wife

Are you going to give conditions to return? Complete a program? Are you in Alanon?

When is he leaving? Do you have an IM?

Yes, in the addendum to the PBL.
Yes in Alanon since July 2011
Have not finished my planning yet, meeting with attorney tomorrow hopefully.
I have several options for an IM, possibly even his sponsor in AA.

I guess, part of my post should've been if a Plan B is even warranted with an addict.
He met with our pastor today, has been to 3 meetings in 2 days.....
But been there, done that .

Have you seen what Dr. H says about alcoholics?
Alcoholic Spouse #1

What does his sponsor say?

Sorry BH, been crazy here. Yes, have read those articles over & over.
I've talked to an attorney, I know I can file within 2-3 days with a phone call.
FWH, when asked about wayward behaviors, deleting texts, hiding & lying, just starts the ever so tiresome gas lighting & defensiveness. Honestly, I'm physically & mentally too darn exhausted to do anything more today.
After last nights gas lighting, he sends me an email that seriously reads like one Kiss might write, just to give u an idea. But added that he was making an appointment with our counselor (MB friendly, since I know you will ask )
Thnx for listening, & a special thanks for all your efforts on this forum Brain Hurts!

You're welcome.

Well it sounds like you're making the right steps to get into Plan B.

Will you be able to get him out? Keep coming to the board and get direction. There is always someone who has been there done that and can give you wonderful direction.

Take a nice bath tonight and get your game plan tomorrow.

So here is my game plan:
FWH has made an appt with counselor for next Tuesday morning. I plan on telling him in the session, that I have started the paperwork and that I will be filing for D on Tuesday, Nov 13. I will only discuss the facts of the preceding 5 weeks, which is sufficient in my mind for filing.
I will then, zip my mouth & listen.
I truly doubt that much can be accomplished in the next 10 days to change my mind, I'm enough of an optimist to have a tiny shred of hope that the reality of me meeting with my attorney MIGHT smack some much needed reality...but like I said,.tiny shred...

My attorneys wise words were to not file in order to "scare" him, that I must really be ready to proceed. She said the D could be final in as little as 3 months.

I do have concerns/questions on how I will know if he has made the changes necessary, while in plan b. I've read everything on this site, ad nauseum, (I don't post much) but I just don't see how I could possibly REALLY know if he has changed if we are not together.

Definitely don't tell him you're going to file. That would enable him to file first.

In plan B your IM will know when he has met your conditions for recovery.

What are your conditions? Post them here first.

I would not tell him before you file. Mean what you say, and do what you say.

Ok, I hear you both, will not tell him first, so question becomes file before counseling session, or wait til after?
Will post my conditions later today.

Okay BH, since you are the keeper of the knowledge... Can u please link me some posts that contain conditions, I will look thru Rocket queens as her sitch is so similar to mine, but would truly appreciate your help.

Wow, right now, all I can say is you impress me!!!!!

ETA: My H has addictions, and I really am so grateful that you posted. I have been dragging my feet in filing for D. Thank you for sharing your story. I will follow it closely.

Here is an excellent one by Herpapabear to get you started and then we will add conditions for his alcoholism program. This is also the one that Rocketqueen used also, FYI.

Extraordinary Precautions

I will also give a shout out to nEsre because his WXW is an alcoholic also.

Hang tight, we will get your conditions together workit.

Don't get too impressed just yet! I doubt myself every 1/2 hour...

Well, that's ironic, since HPB's post was what I sent him 2 months ago to read, & just 2 weeks ago, post relapse & pre more lies, FWH setup those ep's as a
" calendar" item, to help him remember to be conscious of them daily, laughable , huh?!?!

Here's a radio clip I thought of you. Tell us what you think.

Radio clip on Falling off the Wagon

Great affirming info!! Thanks BH

I think FWH might be reading this thread, therefore I am on my own... Thanks for the support BH, wish me luck & prayers welcomed

We are here for you.

Read these.
nesre Help How do I proceed
nesre's notes

How do you know?

Before you had posted this, I had found his threads and read every single post...whew! If anything just makes me see I am making the right choice.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Let Go & Let God....

I don't know for sure...just a feeling. He was a mess yesterday...passed out all day, obviously after his meeting (ironic) he got stoned & plastered.

My kids are the ones that will suffer the most. 10 & 13, and this is going to completely blindside them. Prayers for my kids, we do have a great support in our church. Will get their youth pastors involved.

Good I'm glad you're proceeding forward. I'm glad you're able to still post.

SORRY WRONG THREAD

Kiss - you'd better not have been trying to reach your wife, who is in Plan B, via this forum. You're liable to get on the wrong side of forum posters if you do that. We've had a view that your thread is all about attempting to manipulate her even further. This will have a bad effect on your wife's view of you. Don't prove us correct about the manipulation.

Well I am in plan B, very sad & very disappointed. We told the kids together Monday nite with a church deacon as support. D is filed, he should be served today.
I will admit that I had truly hoped that this would bring him to his knees.....
Guess not. It might at a later date, but I know he's brain is still in the addict mode.
Waywards, addicts, they are all the same. Will keep telling myself:
... I cannot control his actions, only my own
... What he has said is only the addict talking, it is not my fault. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, & I can't cure it.
...let go & let God

I keep repeating these over & over. I am also praying for my H. My attorney said I needed the anger, nope, been there done that & have #30 less pounds to show for it. The prayers for him keep the anger at bay

Do you attend AlAnon?
If not I strongly encourage you to visit a meeting.
They can teach you how to emotionally detach from your husband.

I think it is good to pray for him.
When you wrote that he was stoned that is sad because he has an addiction that destroys.
The best way to help him is to allow him to face the natural consequences of his actions.

I know it hurts, but you did the right thing.

Did he move out? Do you have an IM? How are the kids?

What do you have planned for yourself this weekend?

[quote=HDW]
Do you attend AlAnon?
If not I strongly encourage you to visit a meeting.
They can teach you how to emotionally detach from your husband. [/

Yes, have since the day he entered treatment 16 mos. ago.
Haven't been lately, though I have talked to sponsor. But attribute the little bit of sanity I have left to AlAnon principles.
Knew you, HDW, would ask me this. I've followed your story. How did you get thru the feelings of inadequacy? That's my challenge today, (warning!! Pity party coming up) feeling like he never loved me, or wouldn't he be on his knees right now?? I now get this is the challenge of Plan B, not knowing what is going on with the other person.

And to answer BH, yes he moved out, I have an IM, and H is following my addendum pretty much to the T, which has oddly hurt more than him trying to break Plan B. make sense ??

[quote=


Did he move out? Do you have an IM? How are the kids?

What do you have planned for yourself this weekend? [/quote]

Kids were not ok the first night , both cried themselves to sleep , but seemingly ok , I envy their ability to compartmentalize this stuff, sound familiar.???

As far as self care... Hmmm, I did buy an early bday present for myself, new bed linens. This weekend kids busy with a play they are in, looking forward to just being a mom this weekend. I'm in event biz, and rarely have free weekends. Just being home on a weekend is a treat for me.

I'm second guessing/ regretting the wording of my plan B letter, as well as the conditions, I feel like I may not have made it clear that I still had hope for a life together. The filing for D seems so counter indicative of being willing to reconcile.

Just having a bad day, could use some encouragement or maybe direction .

Just remember that you can stop a D at any time. We even have an MBer who remarried her WH after the D, which was apparently what it took for him to GET IT.

Just keep to the plan. These people know what they're doing!

Thanks karma rose...stick to the plan, stick to the plan, stick to the plan

What really helped me daily is reading One Day At A Time In AlAnon book.
Every day i read the devotion.
They encourage you to go 2 times a week. I haven't been able to as I now have full custody.
But I can tell you I think much clearer and don't need to attend meetings (I know I'm breaking an AlAnon rule by saying that; because AlAnon teaches it is a lifelong program)
As much as I Did before.

I truly believe God placed AlAnon and MB in my path to help me at this time.

I got through feelings of inadequacy by telling myself (saying out loud sometimes) I cannot control her actions. I can only control my own.

AlAnon is kind of like MB. Some thrive in the program. Others live in absolute misery.
But when you are married to an alcoholic your thinking becomes clouded and insane.
Once you step away, you can smell FRESH air!

I was married 10 years and became accustomed to bizarre behavior. I'm still learning (and may always be learning) to not be codependent on others for validation and focus on my own healthy thinking and living.

I too, believe both AlAnon & MB were a gift from God. I know time will help, but holy bat wings this hurts, almost as much as initial betrayal.
The first time I walked into the room, the slogan "This too shall pass" w in my direct line of sight, my amazing mom used to say that all the time, she had just passed 5 mos. previous to that. It is one of my favorites.

That's why you NEED to go to meetings.

There will be tough days, but you're going to make it.

You will be a success. Either a MB personal successful recovery or a MB recovered marriage.

We are here for you.

Enjoy those birthday linens and (early)

Touch�'!
Tomorrow...

In future relationships (if I have any. Because right now I enjoy being single) I will NOT date an alcoholic. And probably not an adult child of alcoholics either.

It's a terrible disease that ruins lifes 3 generations down.
Te problem is I look around and I think a third of the population may be alcoholics.

Thank you again BH for your continued support.
I soooo wanted to be in that stat of recovered successful MB marriage.

Most definitely! And then you figure the ones left , at least half are wayward, lord slim pickens'

LOL. The world really is a messed up place.
Saint Paul encouraged people to remain single and that was very popular in the Early Church.
Years ago I think it was Time magazine that said you have better odds of being killed by a terrorist than getting married.

But that is pessimistic. When we are in bad situations we think everyone is messed up and that is part of unhealthy thinking

You will be fine. Just stick with the 12 steps and keep attending those meetings. And build yourself up before even considering dating.

I read a post recently that AA meetings are a "breeding ground for affairs" (written by dr Harley). I thought about the AlAnon meetings I have gone to and have never seen any suggestion of that. Have you seen this in AlAnon?

And to clarify, will be a LONG time before I even consider dating. Where my mind will go is looking at the future & I still cannot see my life w/out him, especially when it comes to the kids.
And No, not in my AlAnon meetings, but I've attended many, many AA meetings with H over the last 16 mos, and oh yea.... Lots of that going on in those rooms. I was always on the lookout for the single women in there & their reactions to my H, very wary...

This the exact reason Dr. H recommends same sex AA meetings/sponsor/groups.

Unfortunately there are NO same sex meetings in our city. Checked months ago.

There aren't any in my area either

Here's another good clip on addictions.

Radio clip on Addictions

Thanks BH, bring me on!!! Will listen & read all. I think I intuitively knew this in the last 16 months, that ep's would help both issues. I'm slowly wrapping my mind around the fact that the affair was just a symptom of the addiction. The root cause of the addiction.... Hmmm.... Not bright enuf to even conjecture on that.
I.e., like dr. H says, until the addiction is dealt with, nothing else can be fixed.