I find myself, in the last few days, wanting to contact my STBXWW, just to say "I love you and I miss you". I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks now, and I really do miss her.

I have read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, and believe that everything that he says is right, and that I shouldn't contact her, but I still want to so bad. Also, I don't know what I am expecting to happen after I tell her this. I will probably feel worse because she has shown no remorse at all through all of this and would probably not respond in any way.

I just want her to know that I do still care for her and that I want her to come home and end this nightmare. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

yes...I feel this way all of the time. I want my H (who filed papers last month), to say that he believes in us, that he wants to work on our marraige, that we are better together than a part - blah blah blah.

The truth is dear friend, it takes two to make a marriage work. I'm on the other side as the WS - I've been remorseful, worked on learning about why I could have been so selfish etc. But my H, cannot forgive me.

So - we have to live our lives the best way we know how. I have no doubt that we will both be in a better place someday, but we have to learn from this pain to get there.

PS - I wish my husband was forgiving like you....

I'm sorry that your husband isn't forgiving also. Do you still have contact with him?

I guess that I feel that if we could make it through this, that we could be so much stronger than ever before. But, you are right in that it takes two.

yes...just last week we had a nice dinner. I'm trying very hard to understand and I told him that I forgive him for divorcing me, but if he wants to continue our friendship (which he says he does), he has to stop punishing me. I've been taking his anger for a year now, and I had always thought that I deserved it, and that it would ultimately help him see that I really loved him and wanted our marriage..but it didn't seem to matter. He's as angry as ever... Some people say that if the marriage was good before the affair it can be good again. BUT if there were problems then it is really hard to recover ....how was your marriage before?

What matters is that you take good care of yourself during this difficult time. If she doesn't want to do the work, there is really nothing you can do (believe me I've tried everything).

Do the children live with you? I hope they are a source of comfort to you...

I hope you have peaceful dreams and a good night. You are a jewel, and you'll bring that to your new relationship (when you're ready).


Cis

Hopeful: I've seen a couple of your posts here lately and it seems that we are in the same position. I'm the WW, he's the BS who just can't get over his anger. And so we are going through the divorce. Did you and your H go to MC? If so, how long? I don't mean to be nosy, I guess I'm just still trying to figure out why he can't get past the anger. Has your husband been trying to get past the anger on his own? Any input would be appreciated. Do you still pray that God will bring him back into your life?

Thanks Hopeful,

She has stated over and over that she hopes we can be good friends after this is over, that she loves me and that she will one day regret this. I assume this is typical ointment for a guilty conscience. Since she moved out, I have taken the stance that if she wants free of me, she should see what it is like to be completely free with no contact at all. We do not have children together. She has a son (13) who I absolutely adore and miss very much. He was very happy and well adjusted and wanted very badly for us to stay together. I still stay in contact with him by text message and hopefully he will come visit soon. I have a DS (15) from my previous marriage and get him on alternating weekends. He has been really mature about all of this, even though he loved my STBXWW.

I do have a 4 year old basset hound living with me. He's a great listener, but he usually doesn't have much to say.

As in your situation, I don't understand why some people continue to hold a grudge and refuse to forgive. I am definately willing to forgive my ww, if she really wanted me to. (She has not asked for that. I don't think that she wanted to get divorced, but she didn't want to give up OP either, and I couldn't live with that. She was/is a typical cake eater and admits it.) I think good people sometimes do bad things, but if they are truly sorry for the bad things that they've done, forgiveness should be granted and in fact will strengthen the relationship.

Thanks for that...it's nice to hear those kind thoughts from someone in your position. I'm wondering if you are more forgiving because of the loss of a prior marriage? I ask, because I am my H's third wife! I'm at a loss as to why he wouldn't be more willing to "fight" for this marriage. He never understood that sentiment...he doesn't believe he should have to fight for a relationship - or really work too hard..if it is too much work he'd rather just leave it.

I'm glad you have your dog. I have my sweet 10.5 year old French Bulldog Tillie, She has been a wonderful companion to me. I can't stay in bed depressed, because I need to get up and walk her every morning. She's kept me sane.

I hope you have a good day. You're probably right about the NC thing. I got a voicemail from my H last night saying that he missed our life together. Since I know him, I know he isn't about to reverse this divorce process, and this just makes me sad (er, and I'm afraid it will ultimately get in the way of my "moving on".

Take care friend, and listen to your Bassett Hound...!
Cis

Cis,

It's almost Valentine's Day, and I woke up this morning thinking that I would send a card. I know this is stupid and I would appreciate it if you would tell me so. I don't know why I even want to, I guess sentiment. In the eight years that we were dating or married, I never missed an opportunity to give her a gift and card, and we are still married legally.

I read a quote from Thomas Merton that said "Prayer and true love are found in a moment when prayer is impossible and the heart has turned to stone". I thought I might put that in the card. I know, it's stupid and makes little sense.

Please help me out and tell me your thoughts on this.

Tired

Oh Tired - what does the hound think???

No, really, I've thought about doing the same. And I love the quote becaue that IS where we are.

But really, I'm not the one to ask since I am in your exact same position (being the one who wants to work things out), even tho I was the stupid one, you know the "wayward" one...

I think the rules say NC is NC is NC. I've never been able to do that since I've never been able to decide if I should be in plan A or plan B... my situation never fit the profile, because I was the wayward one who WANTED their marriage so It was all topsy turvey and I just kind of threw my hands up and said I would just be authentic and do what I felt. Which as we all know has resulted in my husband filing divorce papers.

I'm sorry I'm not much help. I'm dizzy from finally hiring a lawyer today ($375.00 per hour!!)....hopefully my H and I will do most of the leg work to keep the fees down..

Take care...I'm sure I'll send my husband a card. I gave him a card last year (just 3 weeks from d Day). He didn't give me one, but he's skipped (blew off) several card exchanging opportunities in the past - so it didn't really upset me that much.

Take care,
Cis

Cis,

Samson, the basset hound, says no card! I was too good at Christmas and I don't think she appreciated that, so she can do without a V-day card. All my generosity has got me going to the same place that you are, big D. Besides, if the other man is going to dance, he might as well start paying for the music.

$375 an hour! I better find my soulmate next time, cause I can't afford this again.

My thoughts are with you CIS, hang tough and I think the sun will shine again for both of us.

Tired

Hi Tired...how are you feeling? I think Samson is right... I emailed H and told him that I hired an attorney, and that we should just gather up all of the financials ourselves. I added at the end of the email that I was so sad that it had come to this, since I felt it was totally unecessary. No response..

I'm so glad I like my job, and that I have my dog. They both get me up and going in the AM. How about you - do you like your job? Do you have any hobbies or interests you can throw yourself into? This is a time to focus on you - treat yourself well, eat right, exercise, get a massage..

Hope your days is terrific. I've been separated for almost a year, and just like everyone says...it gets a little easier everyday.

Cis

Tired41 - Don't send the card! It may not be acknowledged and you will feel even worse. Why give her the ego trip!

Cis and Grace,

I think that both of you are right about not sending a card. So, no V-Day card this year.

Cis, it does hurt when you say something nice or remorseful to STBX and get no response. Right before my WW moved out, in the most gut wrenching time of our marriage, I would tell her that I loved her, and she would either not respond or say "Thank You". I believe I handled no response at all better than "thank you". Why do you suppose that she would say that?

I do like my job and the people that I work with. The only problem is that my STBWXW also works in the same building and knows the same people. Almost everyone at work, though, knows what has happened and has came to me to give their support. WW pretty much stays in her office and I have rarely seen her since she moved out of our home. I have heard through mutual friends that she thinks everyone is looking down on her. Oh well, she did this out of her own selfishness, she will have to suffer any consequences.

I did build a workshop at my house last year and I enjoy woodworking. I'm not very good at it, but it occupies my time. I'm doing all I can because we have the house up for sale and I won't have a shop much longer.

It does get a little better each day. The whole marriage is now starting to seem like a dream.

Tired

I know exactly about the "thanks" response. I still write him text messages with my "hopeful" words... Like this AM, I sent him a picture of our dog and an article about how a report has come out that indicates fat is not harmful to your health (his diet was always terrible and I used to give him a hard time). He just called to say "thanks".

He seemed very guarded. He doesn't want me to be hopeful anymore and I'm sure that makes him feel guilty (hence the guarded "thanks"). In fact he told me long ago to quit trying. Someday I will quit, but I'm not ready yet. Although it does hurt, it hurts a little less everyday. You'll see...I bet by July 4th you'll be having fun in the sun!

Our house is up for sale too. I haven't been there for a long time. It makes me sad to go there.

And yuk that you both work in the same place...how long were you married..did you meet at work?

Woodworking sounds cool and practical.

I sometimes wish instead of giving that "thanks" line, she would just give me a good, heartfelt, F*** You. At least I would believe that.

During the A, I heard a lot of that "I don't want to give you false hope" crap, when all I wanted was the truth.

We have/had lived in this house for 6 years. I absolutely love it, good neighborhood (Except for OM who lives with his parents), nice yard and fence for Samson, nice shop. At this time, just a year ago, WW was telling me how much she loved our house and she had a list of things that she wanted to do to make it even better. Then the mothership came and sent an alien wife and she didn't seem to care about it at all.

We were married for 6.5 years. We dated for 2 years prior to marriage, and got married in Jamaica. Yes, we did meet at work. I was not too interested at first, but she chased me pretty hard (almost as hard as she is running away now). We became close friends and fell in love. I was content and never unhappy with my love for her. As this was my second marriage, I NEVER TOOK ONE MINUTE FOR GRANTED! I loved, respected, honored, admired and basically worshipped her. I told her every morning that she was beautiful and that I loved her very much. Near the end, she said "You tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me every day, but it just doesn't mean much. If someone else tells me I'm beautiful, it means a lot." I knew then that she wanted out.

Tired

oh - I'm sorry it's so painful. Do you try to remember the bad stuff? I do - it helps me be ok with being alone. It's easy to idealize the marriage...in my case there were some major problems (secret drinking, secret life that I only suspected but was too afriad to really understand). But despite all of that I still love my H! I really thought that with some counseling and some committment to a healthy life and lifestyle it could work.

After D day, and H asked me to leave, H took his exwife on a european vacation. He said I deserved it...never was remorseful and to this day thinks he was entitled and we were separated so all bets were off.

8.5 years together is a long time...and it's going to take some time for you to get used to your new life.

My H told me that he loved me and that I was pretty. He was very good about that. I'm really going to miss that.

Hope you make plans for Valentine's Day. I invited some single friends over - I'm going to cook!

Take Care Tired...get some rest.

Cis

Tired,
It's so crazy how similar our stories are. I wasn't all that interested in my WH at first either. In fact, we dated for a few weeks, he was acting totally in love with me right away. That scared me and so I told him I needed a break because I wasn't sure what I wanted. He persisted, with cards and gifts and told me all the things I guess I needed to hear. I took a short little break from him and then gave him the surprise of his life by showing up somewhere during this "break" - and letting him know that I was ready and that I felt the same way. I never saw someone so ecstatic, what a feeling it was to make this man's night just by me walking in and him seeing me there. I'll never forget that for the rest of my life. Where is that man now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PS: I am SO glad you aren't sending her a V-day card. I know how you feel, as it took everything in me not to give my WH a birthday card last week. The kids gave him cards and a gift, but nothing from me. I just couldn't do it with the way he is treating me. I am sick of getting slapped in the face. I wish tough love was working here, b/c I sure am acting tough. Not seeing any changes though.

Thankful,

Thanks for your reply and advice. It's hard to talk to people about this stuff, unless they have been there and know those feelings.

Our situations are very similar. I am trying tough love also, with no apparent results at all. I think my WW is just glad to be gone, and I have to get used to it.

Because you have been put on a pedestal, at one time, by your husband, maybe you can help me understand this. Is there such thing as being "too good" to your spouse? I am not bragging about how I was as her husband, in fact I'm thinking that I did something wrong. I did idolize her. I honestly told her many times that there was nobody else in the world that I had rather be with. I always encouraged her ideas in anything that we were doing. I tried to keep some romance alive in our marriage by surprising her with gifts, little things, at various times throughout the year. I never lied, cheated, or was even tempted to. I never went places without inviting her. I am usually a happy person, but with her I was even happier. I also, never tried to make her see what I had done for her, once I did something or gave her something, I let it go and moved on to something else. I never asked what's in this for me, because seeing her happy was enough for me. I never said "Remember what I gave to you". I really enjoyed being good to her and making her smile or laugh.

Somewhere along the way, she stopped appreciating everything. She got to a point where it would make her mad for me to do things for her, even though they were done out of love. Was I too good? What in that made her unhappy enough to seek out OM and tear apart our family?

Tired

I am also my h usband's third wife, I too thought that he'd fight for the marriage. Mostly it's been talk. I tried tough love, believed in Dobson, I don't anymore... that works for certain situations I'm sure. I too thought he'd ask for forgiveness, see how he was wrong and really make some changes. Instead it appears that he's been out running around thinking I'd be there after my pms year, as he called it. It's just all so exhausting...

Horsey,

I know what you are talking about. It is so frustrating that we are so willing to go through all this crap and still fight for the marriage, and the WS don't even care enough to try.

My WW has problems that have nothing to do with our marriage. Approval problems from her childhood, and she admits that it has nothing to do with me or our marriage. Yet she refuses to get professional help so that she can be permanantly happy, and goes for the quick fix of a new relationship. Why throw away the marriage when you know a new relationship will only block the pain for a little while? This is why I am exhausted.

Tired

Gosh, I don't know how I can answer that. I think I did start taking things for granted. But at the same time, I don't know for sure - it depends how you look at it. I did alot for us/our relationship too. Everyone's situation is different. I admit that I began to take our relationship for granted and just thought nothing would EVER come between us so I felt secure in that aspect. And I suppose I felt TOO secure b/c it turns out that something did come between us. I don't think I was giving (emotionally) what he needed to feel appreciated. (This wasn't done purposely, but subconciously) I mean, I always spoke in words and cards/gifts, how much I appreciated him, but there are alot of times that, based on my ACTIONS,(Meaning how I reacted to certain things, my impatience, my subconcious selfishness, expectations) he felt I didn't appreciate him. It's so hard to explain. I apologize if that didn't make much sense. Feel free to ask me anything, really!

We can BEAT ourselves up trying to figure out what we did/didn't do that caused what happened. I am beating myself up on a daily basis here. Bottom line is, our spouses each made that choice to cross that sacred line. We are here now, so we don't have a choice but to move forward. It is not going to be easy, but it will get easier with time. And we can't go on reliving every moment, trying to figure out what went wrong. It's so hard to accept the reality of everything but as I have said before, reality always smacks me in the face when my husband keeps behaving the way he is. Like a foreign being, like a rude, callous individual. He is making this choice, not me. He knows where my heart is. He is choosing to believe what he wants (that he now thinks he just wasn't good enough for me) and is doing what he wants. He tells me he is in search of happiness. I have no control over it his decision anymore. I wish I could make him see the mistake he is going to make, but I can't. He has to make the mistake on his own. Will it be too late once he realizes? I don't know. Only time will tell. That also depends if I still have "those loving feelings" within me. He could eventually get them back, but they could be gone for me. I know how I am and once I get into my new life, there will be no stopping me. I made it once before, I can do it again. The tricky part now is that I have two kids & my husband will always be a part of my life b/c of that. I have no idea how all of this will play out. No idea. I thought I knew this man, but I don't know who he is now - so speculation based on someone you do not know is very difficult!

Anyhow, Happy Valentines Day to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<< We can BEAT ourselves up trying to figure out what we did/didn't do that caused what happened. I am beating myself up on a daily basis here. Bottom line is, our spouses each made that choice to cross that sacred line. We are here now, so we don't have a choice but to move forward. It is not going to be easy, but it will get easier with time.>>

So many different things we have to keep preaching to our own selves all the time, huh. Some days it dont feel like its getting easier but worse I think.

Hi T41 - so hows ur V day going so far. If SB night was lonely...........what about tonight! Lol, but funny not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Do you have anything planned to cheer yourself up - at least you have a dog I see. I came home directly from work.......it would have just been too much fun to go anywhere, everywhere, see all the couples, flowers, teddy bears etc that I ain't getting. Lol again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

You were married before? Mind saying what happened there? Its ok if you dont care to, Im just curious.

Hi Go,

Yeah, I got a dog to cheer me up. He's always so happy when I get home from work, and that feels good. More good news, my STBX step son (14) is going to come visit me next Monday. I can't wait. We always have a good time playing basketball or video games. He always wins, but that's the fun of it. I'll do some boasting, making a trivial wager, and then he will win. I love it.

My first marriage. It was pretty much the same thing without the A. I was very good to my first wife, but she was just too independent to be married (her words). After about 4 years, she just came home from work and said that she wanted a divorce. There was no discussing the matter, it was just over. She told me that she would never remarry after being married to me, wanted to keep my last name, and still wears her wedding ring. It's been 12 years ago, and she still hasn't remarried. We have a son together so I still see her pretty often. She told me recently that she made a huge mistake when she left me, that she was stupid for just throwing it away, but it's too late now. It is too late, as I just don't have those feelings for her anymore. I am scared that my STBXWW will say the same thing someday, that she threw away something good (she's admitted that she feels that she will regret this), and it's going to be too late. I hate that thought, but I can't get her to understand this. Fog, I guess.

Tired

Yeah, I bet its great to have 'someone' happy that you're back home every day. Great too that you have both a SS and S - you're not as alone as you may sometimes feel. Me - no dog, no kid. Since I moved out I've actually been rooming with others because Im too chicken to be completely alone. Silly, huh.

Wow - that first D must have hit hard. Sorry that you have to go through that again plus have a bonus A situation.

We are sort of opposites though. You are a BS that wish/es/ed to still keep your M with your WS not wanting to. I decided to D a WS that was willing. Do you think I am unforgiving?

<<I am scared that my STBXWW will say the same thing someday, that she threw away something good, and it's going to be too late. I hate that thought, but I can't get her to understand this.>>
My X feels this way about me even though he was the WS. Funny enough, he still maintains that 'we' could work and that he never want/ed a D, but he has had no probs maintaning NC and BTW already has a gf. Hes stated it as fact that I could never get someone to treat me the way he did and spoken for me also that I could never love someone else. And thats the basis for his 'worry' about me regretting this and crawling back to him months or so after when I come to my senses but hes finally 'serious' with his gf and 'ready to be a father'. Tell me what you think of those sensitive remarks! The sum of it being hes willing but Im not and when I will be he will not.........blah blah, whatever.

You're right GO, I do have a S, SS and a dog. It could be a lot worse. I don't blame you for rooming with someone else. I wish I had a roommate now.

The first D did hit pretty hard. My son was 4yo when that hit. It was weird, because there was no indecision on her part whatsoever. It was brutal, but a clean cut with no lies.

I think that each person has to decide what they are willing to forgive or not forgive. I'm and optimist, and see the good future that we had together, things we had always talked and dreamed about, and the good life we had up to last May. The WW (alien) is not my wife, and I don't know who she is. I don't want her back, just the wife that I knew for so long.

When I said that I was scared that WW would decide that she made a mistake, there was no vanity in that at all. She is a very attractive lady and will have no problem finding men, even when this current OM is gone. He's just a silly kid, living with his folks, and he won't last too long with her. I just meant that even though she can find someone better looking, or wealthier, she may not find someone who will love her and her son as much as I do.

I can't believe that your XH said those things to you. He must think pretty highly of himself. There has to be a reason to say something so stupid to someone, I just can't figure out what it is.

Tired41

I think my name on this site should be TIRED too... all of this just wears you out. Yes to want to work on a marriage when the other person really doesn't. Or just says they will. Then it's down the same road again. It's called insanity when you do the same thing over and over again, getting the same results. A "normal" person would want to change life's patterns, I'm my husband's third wife, he's never done a thing wrong in my marriage, now I'm the one he blames it all on. Should have seen that writing on the wall before I married him.

There's so much hurt in this world, so many hurting people. Dreams cut short, hearts shredded. Guess it's a part of living, you can't live unless you hurt at times. Lately I've just come to the conclusion that most people are too selfish for marriage, perhaps even including myself. Biblically it was to be about giving to the other person, meeting someone else's needs first (Harley too), yet I made some mistakes but not nearly compared to the ultimately selfish man I married... it doesn't seem that people care who they hurt, even if there are consequences they blame others during that period of hurt - it's all such a shame.

Strange Valentine's Day, my husband that I've been separated from a year due to insanity left a message like nothing has happened. It's called denial, never sorry, never will work on anything, just his usual head in the sand thinking I"ll return to him when my pms year is done as he calls it. Then I'll be the Teddy Bear that he drags around, a stuffed animal without feelings... I'm tainted and tired. Maybe that'll be my new marriagebuilders name since Tired is taken TIREDANDTAINTED...

I personally like horsey better that t&t. You said that you should have seen this before you married him. That's not easy to do. My STBXW changed so much when the aliens came. It was a complete 180. She was not even close to the same person, a person I had known about 8 years. I don't think she could fake it for 8 years, so there must be something to this alien stuff.

You're right about the selfishness. I think that's it in a nutshell. All the posturing and rationalizations are simply fog to cover the selfishness. What I could never get my WW to see is the joy of giving. It makes me feel great to give to others, but she was only a taker. My first XW told me recently that "It's a terrible thing to hurt someone who loves you, because they will get over it, but you never will". That is how she still feels after she walked out on me 12 years ago. Maybe the A and selfishness have them fogged out right now, but they will someday realize what they tossed away.

Yes I think my husband was the ultimate taker too. After the "alien" it all got worse, I actually called my little boy an alien while I was preg. He selfishness came out 10 times more and my giving came out more, at least to my little one. My husband will never see the joy of giving and supporting anyone, not even his own child. I look at him and find him quite pathetic actually, what a chicken you know what way to go through life...

Good Morning Horsey, Thankful & Cis,

How is everyone doing this morning?

Tired

Hi!
Last night was interesting. My dear friends - I call them my "friends of the marriage" since they are really the only couple who know both me and my H - asked me to dinner last night.

The wife, at the last minute, called my H and invited him also. He came (I was relived he didn't have plans on V Day). Dinner was nice, conversation was fun...but H maintained distance.

I got hurt only a little when he talked about his future and it so clearly didn't include me...

Anyway, it was a sweet gesture on my friends part. They still hope (like me), that H and I can repair our marriage. But nothing like that can happen until we both decide we want to do that...

Meanwhile, H is starting look for apartments in the city. I know it's silly, but I feel like he can't do it, that he'll get overwhelmed, not like the city since I'm not running interference...I want to protect him and take care of him. He works so hard.

Oh well, I guess I have to not intrude.

Have a good day, life is beautiful - but it takes some work!
Cis

Cis, it's good to have friends that support you through this. It's probably also a good sign that he came to dinner knowing that you were there. My STBXW wouldn't do that for anything. It could be that now you've opened the gate to his freedom, he will find that the grass is not greener. I so hope that is the case, and he comes back asking you to forgive him and to rebuild your M.

It is very sweet of you wanting to protect and take care of him. I keep imagining how great life would be if both spouses felt that way about each other.

Tired

Thanks Tired, I love your positive outlook. But he remains distant...he wants it both. He wants to be my friend, share my family, but he wants to be rid of me. I guess I'm allowing it since I can't seem to let him go. I tried to plan B him, now I'm plan Aing...but nothing seems to make a wit bit of difference.

The truth is..we probably aren't right for each other. I need to face that, and move on..but I'm just not ready. I don't want to be one of those people who are hung up on their x spouse for the rest of their lives.

I wish I was 20 years younger,,,maybe it would help me feel more eager to take on the future, and find a new companion.

Sometimes I feel the same way, especially about needing to move on and not stay attached to the XS forever. Maybe if we tried to not think about it, not think about healing, not think about moving on, and just tried to find something to be happy about for just a little while each day, we could improve. It could be that we are watching the kettle constantly waiting for it to boil, and it seems to take forever.

I'm just going to try and be happy today and not worry about getting better or anything. It's got to be better than sitting here thinking about how badly I need to let go.

Tired

My H also wants to be my "friend", I guess. He keeps saying "Im not asking you to be my friend". So what is he asking? Every evening he tells me that he missed me during the day. I just don't get it. I'm really not that much of a violent person (do have a bad temper though, but not violent) but I just want to choke him. Or maybe it's me that I want to choke. Do you think it will be easier for me when I move out? Or harder?

I think it will be much easier when you move out. You will be removed from all the tension.

I will warn you about some things that I've felt after WW moved out. I now tend to look at the good things in our marriage more and forget about the bad, and I do miss her terribly. I do get lonely and come here to vent and to just talk to people. It does feel good though to be able to start re-establishing your life. For example, my WW always handled our finances, paid all the bills, and I seldom knew anything about it. After she bailed, I had to try to figure all that out, and I had full control over my pay check, etc. I redecorated our house, even though it's on the market, the way that I wanted it. Just little simple things that seem insignificant can mean a lot when you are rebuilding your life.

I don't understand the friend thing either. My WW wants to be friends. I want to tell her "You tore my heart out, stabbed it repeatedly, lied to me, took away the woman I love more than anything in the world, took away my family, and now you want to be my buddy?" It must be something to ease the guilt. Everything has always been about the WS, why would it change now.

Tired41

I've received some good advice that I am trying to follow... Try to focus on yourself, focus on the present and your kids (if you have them) - try not to think about the future, stick to only factual things and stay away from the troublesome thoughts, i.e. the drama that we create in our minds based on assumptions, not facts. One can get so carried away with those thoughts which therefore leads to feeling upset, down and negative about stuff that we don't even know if it's true! I know it's easier said than done, but it really does help put things in perspective and keep you from being down all the time. ((HUGS))

Thanks Thankful, I'll try to do the same. Our imaginations are often much worse than the truth.