I find myself, in the last few days, wanting to contact my STBXWW, just to say "I love you and I miss you". I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks now, and I really do miss her.

I have read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, and believe that everything that he says is right, and that I shouldn't contact her, but I still want to so bad. Also, I don't know what I am expecting to happen after I tell her this. I will probably feel worse because she has shown no remorse at all through all of this and would probably not respond in any way.

I just want her to know that I do still care for her and that I want her to come home and end this nightmare. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

yes...I feel this way all of the time. I want my H (who filed papers last month), to say that he believes in us, that he wants to work on our marraige, that we are better together than a part - blah blah blah.

The truth is dear friend, it takes two to make a marriage work. I'm on the other side as the WS - I've been remorseful, worked on learning about why I could have been so selfish etc. But my H, cannot forgive me.

So - we have to live our lives the best way we know how. I have no doubt that we will both be in a better place someday, but we have to learn from this pain to get there.

PS - I wish my husband was forgiving like you....

I'm sorry that your husband isn't forgiving also. Do you still have contact with him?

I guess that I feel that if we could make it through this, that we could be so much stronger than ever before. But, you are right in that it takes two.

yes...just last week we had a nice dinner. I'm trying very hard to understand and I told him that I forgive him for divorcing me, but if he wants to continue our friendship (which he says he does), he has to stop punishing me. I've been taking his anger for a year now, and I had always thought that I deserved it, and that it would ultimately help him see that I really loved him and wanted our marriage..but it didn't seem to matter. He's as angry as ever... Some people say that if the marriage was good before the affair it can be good again. BUT if there were problems then it is really hard to recover ....how was your marriage before?

What matters is that you take good care of yourself during this difficult time. If she doesn't want to do the work, there is really nothing you can do (believe me I've tried everything).

Do the children live with you? I hope they are a source of comfort to you...

I hope you have peaceful dreams and a good night. You are a jewel, and you'll bring that to your new relationship (when you're ready).


Cis

Hopeful: I've seen a couple of your posts here lately and it seems that we are in the same position. I'm the WW, he's the BS who just can't get over his anger. And so we are going through the divorce. Did you and your H go to MC? If so, how long? I don't mean to be nosy, I guess I'm just still trying to figure out why he can't get past the anger. Has your husband been trying to get past the anger on his own? Any input would be appreciated. Do you still pray that God will bring him back into your life?

Thanks Hopeful,

She has stated over and over that she hopes we can be good friends after this is over, that she loves me and that she will one day regret this. I assume this is typical ointment for a guilty conscience. Since she moved out, I have taken the stance that if she wants free of me, she should see what it is like to be completely free with no contact at all. We do not have children together. She has a son (13) who I absolutely adore and miss very much. He was very happy and well adjusted and wanted very badly for us to stay together. I still stay in contact with him by text message and hopefully he will come visit soon. I have a DS (15) from my previous marriage and get him on alternating weekends. He has been really mature about all of this, even though he loved my STBXWW.

I do have a 4 year old basset hound living with me. He's a great listener, but he usually doesn't have much to say.

As in your situation, I don't understand why some people continue to hold a grudge and refuse to forgive. I am definately willing to forgive my ww, if she really wanted me to. (She has not asked for that. I don't think that she wanted to get divorced, but she didn't want to give up OP either, and I couldn't live with that. She was/is a typical cake eater and admits it.) I think good people sometimes do bad things, but if they are truly sorry for the bad things that they've done, forgiveness should be granted and in fact will strengthen the relationship.

Thanks for that...it's nice to hear those kind thoughts from someone in your position. I'm wondering if you are more forgiving because of the loss of a prior marriage? I ask, because I am my H's third wife! I'm at a loss as to why he wouldn't be more willing to "fight" for this marriage. He never understood that sentiment...he doesn't believe he should have to fight for a relationship - or really work too hard..if it is too much work he'd rather just leave it.

I'm glad you have your dog. I have my sweet 10.5 year old French Bulldog Tillie, She has been a wonderful companion to me. I can't stay in bed depressed, because I need to get up and walk her every morning. She's kept me sane.

I hope you have a good day. You're probably right about the NC thing. I got a voicemail from my H last night saying that he missed our life together. Since I know him, I know he isn't about to reverse this divorce process, and this just makes me sad (er, and I'm afraid it will ultimately get in the way of my "moving on".

Take care friend, and listen to your Bassett Hound...!
Cis

Cis,

It's almost Valentine's Day, and I woke up this morning thinking that I would send a card. I know this is stupid and I would appreciate it if you would tell me so. I don't know why I even want to, I guess sentiment. In the eight years that we were dating or married, I never missed an opportunity to give her a gift and card, and we are still married legally.

I read a quote from Thomas Merton that said "Prayer and true love are found in a moment when prayer is impossible and the heart has turned to stone". I thought I might put that in the card. I know, it's stupid and makes little sense.

Please help me out and tell me your thoughts on this.

Tired

Oh Tired - what does the hound think???

No, really, I've thought about doing the same. And I love the quote becaue that IS where we are.

But really, I'm not the one to ask since I am in your exact same position (being the one who wants to work things out), even tho I was the stupid one, you know the "wayward" one...

I think the rules say NC is NC is NC. I've never been able to do that since I've never been able to decide if I should be in plan A or plan B... my situation never fit the profile, because I was the wayward one who WANTED their marriage so It was all topsy turvey and I just kind of threw my hands up and said I would just be authentic and do what I felt. Which as we all know has resulted in my husband filing divorce papers.

I'm sorry I'm not much help. I'm dizzy from finally hiring a lawyer today ($375.00 per hour!!)....hopefully my H and I will do most of the leg work to keep the fees down..

Take care...I'm sure I'll send my husband a card. I gave him a card last year (just 3 weeks from d Day). He didn't give me one, but he's skipped (blew off) several card exchanging opportunities in the past - so it didn't really upset me that much.

Take care,
Cis

Cis,

Samson, the basset hound, says no card! I was too good at Christmas and I don't think she appreciated that, so she can do without a V-day card. All my generosity has got me going to the same place that you are, big D. Besides, if the other man is going to dance, he might as well start paying for the music.

$375 an hour! I better find my soulmate next time, cause I can't afford this again.

My thoughts are with you CIS, hang tough and I think the sun will shine again for both of us.

Tired

Hi Tired...how are you feeling? I think Samson is right... I emailed H and told him that I hired an attorney, and that we should just gather up all of the financials ourselves. I added at the end of the email that I was so sad that it had come to this, since I felt it was totally unecessary. No response..

I'm so glad I like my job, and that I have my dog. They both get me up and going in the AM. How about you - do you like your job? Do you have any hobbies or interests you can throw yourself into? This is a time to focus on you - treat yourself well, eat right, exercise, get a massage..

Hope your days is terrific. I've been separated for almost a year, and just like everyone says...it gets a little easier everyday.

Cis

Tired41 - Don't send the card! It may not be acknowledged and you will feel even worse. Why give her the ego trip!

Cis and Grace,

I think that both of you are right about not sending a card. So, no V-Day card this year.

Cis, it does hurt when you say something nice or remorseful to STBX and get no response. Right before my WW moved out, in the most gut wrenching time of our marriage, I would tell her that I loved her, and she would either not respond or say "Thank You". I believe I handled no response at all better than "thank you". Why do you suppose that she would say that?

I do like my job and the people that I work with. The only problem is that my STBWXW also works in the same building and knows the same people. Almost everyone at work, though, knows what has happened and has came to me to give their support. WW pretty much stays in her office and I have rarely seen her since she moved out of our home. I have heard through mutual friends that she thinks everyone is looking down on her. Oh well, she did this out of her own selfishness, she will have to suffer any consequences.

I did build a workshop at my house last year and I enjoy woodworking. I'm not very good at it, but it occupies my time. I'm doing all I can because we have the house up for sale and I won't have a shop much longer.

It does get a little better each day. The whole marriage is now starting to seem like a dream.

Tired

I know exactly about the "thanks" response. I still write him text messages with my "hopeful" words... Like this AM, I sent him a picture of our dog and an article about how a report has come out that indicates fat is not harmful to your health (his diet was always terrible and I used to give him a hard time). He just called to say "thanks".

He seemed very guarded. He doesn't want me to be hopeful anymore and I'm sure that makes him feel guilty (hence the guarded "thanks"). In fact he told me long ago to quit trying. Someday I will quit, but I'm not ready yet. Although it does hurt, it hurts a little less everyday. You'll see...I bet by July 4th you'll be having fun in the sun!

Our house is up for sale too. I haven't been there for a long time. It makes me sad to go there.

And yuk that you both work in the same place...how long were you married..did you meet at work?

Woodworking sounds cool and practical.

I sometimes wish instead of giving that "thanks" line, she would just give me a good, heartfelt, F*** You. At least I would believe that.

During the A, I heard a lot of that "I don't want to give you false hope" crap, when all I wanted was the truth.

We have/had lived in this house for 6 years. I absolutely love it, good neighborhood (Except for OM who lives with his parents), nice yard and fence for Samson, nice shop. At this time, just a year ago, WW was telling me how much she loved our house and she had a list of things that she wanted to do to make it even better. Then the mothership came and sent an alien wife and she didn't seem to care about it at all.

We were married for 6.5 years. We dated for 2 years prior to marriage, and got married in Jamaica. Yes, we did meet at work. I was not too interested at first, but she chased me pretty hard (almost as hard as she is running away now). We became close friends and fell in love. I was content and never unhappy with my love for her. As this was my second marriage, I NEVER TOOK ONE MINUTE FOR GRANTED! I loved, respected, honored, admired and basically worshipped her. I told her every morning that she was beautiful and that I loved her very much. Near the end, she said "You tell me I'm beautiful and that you love me every day, but it just doesn't mean much. If someone else tells me I'm beautiful, it means a lot." I knew then that she wanted out.

Tired

oh - I'm sorry it's so painful. Do you try to remember the bad stuff? I do - it helps me be ok with being alone. It's easy to idealize the marriage...in my case there were some major problems (secret drinking, secret life that I only suspected but was too afriad to really understand). But despite all of that I still love my H! I really thought that with some counseling and some committment to a healthy life and lifestyle it could work.

After D day, and H asked me to leave, H took his exwife on a european vacation. He said I deserved it...never was remorseful and to this day thinks he was entitled and we were separated so all bets were off.

8.5 years together is a long time...and it's going to take some time for you to get used to your new life.

My H told me that he loved me and that I was pretty. He was very good about that. I'm really going to miss that.

Hope you make plans for Valentine's Day. I invited some single friends over - I'm going to cook!

Take Care Tired...get some rest.

Cis

Tired,
It's so crazy how similar our stories are. I wasn't all that interested in my WH at first either. In fact, we dated for a few weeks, he was acting totally in love with me right away. That scared me and so I told him I needed a break because I wasn't sure what I wanted. He persisted, with cards and gifts and told me all the things I guess I needed to hear. I took a short little break from him and then gave him the surprise of his life by showing up somewhere during this "break" - and letting him know that I was ready and that I felt the same way. I never saw someone so ecstatic, what a feeling it was to make this man's night just by me walking in and him seeing me there. I'll never forget that for the rest of my life. Where is that man now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PS: I am SO glad you aren't sending her a V-day card. I know how you feel, as it took everything in me not to give my WH a birthday card last week. The kids gave him cards and a gift, but nothing from me. I just couldn't do it with the way he is treating me. I am sick of getting slapped in the face. I wish tough love was working here, b/c I sure am acting tough. Not seeing any changes though.

Thankful,

Thanks for your reply and advice. It's hard to talk to people about this stuff, unless they have been there and know those feelings.

Our situations are very similar. I am trying tough love also, with no apparent results at all. I think my WW is just glad to be gone, and I have to get used to it.

Because you have been put on a pedestal, at one time, by your husband, maybe you can help me understand this. Is there such thing as being "too good" to your spouse? I am not bragging about how I was as her husband, in fact I'm thinking that I did something wrong. I did idolize her. I honestly told her many times that there was nobody else in the world that I had rather be with. I always encouraged her ideas in anything that we were doing. I tried to keep some romance alive in our marriage by surprising her with gifts, little things, at various times throughout the year. I never lied, cheated, or was even tempted to. I never went places without inviting her. I am usually a happy person, but with her I was even happier. I also, never tried to make her see what I had done for her, once I did something or gave her something, I let it go and moved on to something else. I never asked what's in this for me, because seeing her happy was enough for me. I never said "Remember what I gave to you". I really enjoyed being good to her and making her smile or laugh.

Somewhere along the way, she stopped appreciating everything. She got to a point where it would make her mad for me to do things for her, even though they were done out of love. Was I too good? What in that made her unhappy enough to seek out OM and tear apart our family?

Tired

I am also my h usband's third wife, I too thought that he'd fight for the marriage. Mostly it's been talk. I tried tough love, believed in Dobson, I don't anymore... that works for certain situations I'm sure. I too thought he'd ask for forgiveness, see how he was wrong and really make some changes. Instead it appears that he's been out running around thinking I'd be there after my pms year, as he called it. It's just all so exhausting...

Horsey,

I know what you are talking about. It is so frustrating that we are so willing to go through all this crap and still fight for the marriage, and the WS don't even care enough to try.

My WW has problems that have nothing to do with our marriage. Approval problems from her childhood, and she admits that it has nothing to do with me or our marriage. Yet she refuses to get professional help so that she can be permanantly happy, and goes for the quick fix of a new relationship. Why throw away the marriage when you know a new relationship will only block the pain for a little while? This is why I am exhausted.

Tired