Back again, after nearly 20 years - 03/19/18 09:47 PM
Hi All
I've been back lurking and reading for a while now.
I see a few familiar old names are still here.
So my story is thus:
I was divorced the first time in 2000, I was BW he was WH.
I remarried in 2009, 10 years after my first divorce.
I thought he was everything I had ever looked for and wanted in a life partner, how wrong was I.
The marriage has been filled with very bad arguments, screaming/shouting arguments, definitely AO's, many many DJ's on both our parts, verbal abuse to my myself and my children, who are now thankfully 23 and 20, and both out of the house due to the toxic atmosphere.
At one point years ago he made the following statement in an argument 'I'm not paying one more f***ing cent for your f***ing kids.' At that point, we separated joint funds and it became his/mine, with bills etc paid jointly. He now says 'I've spent tens of thousands educating your kids, putting a roof over your kids heads' and similar. Yes, he did, up to a point and it was used against them in every way.
The relationship deteriorated to such a point that the only communication was a discussion re what we would have for dinner, were we doing the grocery shopping on the weekend etc. Sex was non existent and had been for years (4 at least). Evenings were spent in front of the television, no communication or the very minimum but relatively 'peaceful' because there was no communication. He thinks everything was fine at this point.
I didn't try any longer to discuss my unhappiness, or suggestions re how I thought we could fix things. Everything was my fault, or my children's fault. He told me repeatedly he gave up EVERYTHING to move states and marry me.
After too many arguments to count, he would say things like 'that's it, i'm done, i'm moving back to .....' and would take off his wedding ring.
It got to the point where when he said he was leaving I told him where the door was, and the last time he took his wedding ring off I kept it and threw it away.
(he asked where the ring was about 2 years ago as he wanted to wear it again because it made him look respectable) Of course he now says he didn't say that. That is common for him, he drops a verbal nuclear bomb then walks away from it and says he never said that or 'that' never happened.
We separated July 2016, and I moved out. I was gone for approx. 15 months. In that time, we continued to see each other, he would pick me up for work every morning, bring me coffee, we would work on our home doing some renovating every weekend. Neither of us (as far as I know) saw anyone else.
Believe it or not, he could also be utterly charming, dependable and loving.
So, I moved back in Oct 2017. We had a lovely holiday away, and came home to pretty much the same stuff straight away. sigh.
It's not his fault, he didn't say that, he didn't mean it 'that' way, I have to get over it, I'm insecure blah blah blah...
Even with the children moved out of home, every opportunity is taken to blame them for something, or some smart dig about them or my parenting. Or my financial management. I had my own house prior to meeting him, and was doing fine. His take on that was that I couldn't afford that and would have gone broke.
I had read his phone one day unbeknownst to him and saw some pretty horrific sexting between him and an old 'friend' who used to work for him. She had even posted video's of herself (I'm sure you understand what I mean here).
Of course I confronted him straight away, told him he was disgusting, why was he spending time with me when he was doing that with someone else etc etc.
I should make it clear I hadn't moved home at that stage when I read those messages. His excuse was 'he believed he was separated and not working on the marriage anymore, because that was what I had told him. (true after a particularly nasty argument again). He looked sick, & scared when I confronted, and I have never been so angry in my life. How dare he spend time with me, nice time I might add, and all the while be doing that. He told me it was just one time of sexting, ie, it wasn't over a period of days/weeks/months. Like - how do you go from not speaking to someone for 10 years to lets sext.
Yeah - nah..... but he continues to say this to this day.
So, he upped the ante to get me to come home and stupidly I fell for it. I was really hoping and wishing he had managed to do some self introspection, and possibly see character failings that he could work on. I had been working on my failings for the last 15 months.
Nope, I was the only one with those failings; he hasn't done anything wrong because he hasn't hit me or my children, says there was no verbal abuse (gosh, I respectfully disagree here but I guess it could be subjective if you were brought up differently). A favourite thing of mine to say was the following - if you wouldn't say it in front of my mum and dad, then you shouldn't say it to me.
Anyway, final dealbreaker, I had a recording device in my bag that fell out and was left in his car.
After an argument on the way to work, and I've gotten out of the car, it records him saying the following:
yeah f*** off you f****ing POS
f***ing c***t, I can't believe they don't sack the f***ing c***t.... (meaning me. wow that hurt, have never been sacked, reprimanded or HR'd in my life)
and there was more. I heard it 3 days before my birthday. I will also say the argument that prompted such a response was such a stupid argument, wasn't about anything major, and certainly did not warrant that reaction.
But that was it. I told him I heard him say that, and that I wanted a divorce. I could not, and would not, be married to someone who would say that.
His response - I'm sorry you heard that. you know I don't think you're a POS. You bugged my car. I'm a nervous wreck, not knowing what else you have done to my phone; I have to watch every word I say.. etc etc etc
So, where am I now, a month later. He's trying to get finance to pay me out but seems to be dragging his feet. I spoke to a finance person yesterday who said on the surface of what I told him re finances he would probably get it. But obviously he would need to speak to husband. Other option is sell. His anger with that would be huge. He's very status oriented, loves to tell everyone where we live (it's nice and sought after) and loves to tell everyone that my girls went to private schools, i.e. implying he paid for that (doesn't that make me sick when I know the truth....)
I didn't mean this to be so long, apologies.
Thanks for reading and any feedback would be great.
I've been back lurking and reading for a while now.
I see a few familiar old names are still here.
So my story is thus:
I was divorced the first time in 2000, I was BW he was WH.
I remarried in 2009, 10 years after my first divorce.
I thought he was everything I had ever looked for and wanted in a life partner, how wrong was I.
The marriage has been filled with very bad arguments, screaming/shouting arguments, definitely AO's, many many DJ's on both our parts, verbal abuse to my myself and my children, who are now thankfully 23 and 20, and both out of the house due to the toxic atmosphere.
At one point years ago he made the following statement in an argument 'I'm not paying one more f***ing cent for your f***ing kids.' At that point, we separated joint funds and it became his/mine, with bills etc paid jointly. He now says 'I've spent tens of thousands educating your kids, putting a roof over your kids heads' and similar. Yes, he did, up to a point and it was used against them in every way.
The relationship deteriorated to such a point that the only communication was a discussion re what we would have for dinner, were we doing the grocery shopping on the weekend etc. Sex was non existent and had been for years (4 at least). Evenings were spent in front of the television, no communication or the very minimum but relatively 'peaceful' because there was no communication. He thinks everything was fine at this point.
I didn't try any longer to discuss my unhappiness, or suggestions re how I thought we could fix things. Everything was my fault, or my children's fault. He told me repeatedly he gave up EVERYTHING to move states and marry me.
After too many arguments to count, he would say things like 'that's it, i'm done, i'm moving back to .....' and would take off his wedding ring.
It got to the point where when he said he was leaving I told him where the door was, and the last time he took his wedding ring off I kept it and threw it away.
(he asked where the ring was about 2 years ago as he wanted to wear it again because it made him look respectable) Of course he now says he didn't say that. That is common for him, he drops a verbal nuclear bomb then walks away from it and says he never said that or 'that' never happened.
We separated July 2016, and I moved out. I was gone for approx. 15 months. In that time, we continued to see each other, he would pick me up for work every morning, bring me coffee, we would work on our home doing some renovating every weekend. Neither of us (as far as I know) saw anyone else.
Believe it or not, he could also be utterly charming, dependable and loving.
So, I moved back in Oct 2017. We had a lovely holiday away, and came home to pretty much the same stuff straight away. sigh.
It's not his fault, he didn't say that, he didn't mean it 'that' way, I have to get over it, I'm insecure blah blah blah...
Even with the children moved out of home, every opportunity is taken to blame them for something, or some smart dig about them or my parenting. Or my financial management. I had my own house prior to meeting him, and was doing fine. His take on that was that I couldn't afford that and would have gone broke.
I had read his phone one day unbeknownst to him and saw some pretty horrific sexting between him and an old 'friend' who used to work for him. She had even posted video's of herself (I'm sure you understand what I mean here).
Of course I confronted him straight away, told him he was disgusting, why was he spending time with me when he was doing that with someone else etc etc.
I should make it clear I hadn't moved home at that stage when I read those messages. His excuse was 'he believed he was separated and not working on the marriage anymore, because that was what I had told him. (true after a particularly nasty argument again). He looked sick, & scared when I confronted, and I have never been so angry in my life. How dare he spend time with me, nice time I might add, and all the while be doing that. He told me it was just one time of sexting, ie, it wasn't over a period of days/weeks/months. Like - how do you go from not speaking to someone for 10 years to lets sext.
Yeah - nah..... but he continues to say this to this day.
So, he upped the ante to get me to come home and stupidly I fell for it. I was really hoping and wishing he had managed to do some self introspection, and possibly see character failings that he could work on. I had been working on my failings for the last 15 months.
Nope, I was the only one with those failings; he hasn't done anything wrong because he hasn't hit me or my children, says there was no verbal abuse (gosh, I respectfully disagree here but I guess it could be subjective if you were brought up differently). A favourite thing of mine to say was the following - if you wouldn't say it in front of my mum and dad, then you shouldn't say it to me.
Anyway, final dealbreaker, I had a recording device in my bag that fell out and was left in his car.
After an argument on the way to work, and I've gotten out of the car, it records him saying the following:
yeah f*** off you f****ing POS
f***ing c***t, I can't believe they don't sack the f***ing c***t.... (meaning me. wow that hurt, have never been sacked, reprimanded or HR'd in my life)
and there was more. I heard it 3 days before my birthday. I will also say the argument that prompted such a response was such a stupid argument, wasn't about anything major, and certainly did not warrant that reaction.
But that was it. I told him I heard him say that, and that I wanted a divorce. I could not, and would not, be married to someone who would say that.
His response - I'm sorry you heard that. you know I don't think you're a POS. You bugged my car. I'm a nervous wreck, not knowing what else you have done to my phone; I have to watch every word I say.. etc etc etc
So, where am I now, a month later. He's trying to get finance to pay me out but seems to be dragging his feet. I spoke to a finance person yesterday who said on the surface of what I told him re finances he would probably get it. But obviously he would need to speak to husband. Other option is sell. His anger with that would be huge. He's very status oriented, loves to tell everyone where we live (it's nice and sought after) and loves to tell everyone that my girls went to private schools, i.e. implying he paid for that (doesn't that make me sick when I know the truth....)
I didn't mean this to be so long, apologies.
Thanks for reading and any feedback would be great.