Background of Your Situation... - Marriage Builders® Forums

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Just so we can all start on the same page with knowing one another's situations and status right now, I thought it's a good idea to have a thread to reference for such info. It helps to know who is "where" in all this.I have been at MB since May 99. M H has been having affairs since 97 (that I know of!) I was Plan A'ing - without knowing it - since this all started and have continued.A lot contributed to our situation....H's family background and example, life turmoils, lack of communication, resentments, change of job (H became a cop), falling in with a certain crowd.....H met a female police officer (from another town) at the gym and began a "friendship" with her.....spent time and lent an ear, consumed his recreational activity time, etc.....although she kept saying to him that she didn't date married men!!!Since she held back the sex, but encouraged him to flee the marriage...my H filled his sex need with other laydies - he was quite the gigolo!! (ironic that he was also cheating on her, eh?)Anyway, this OW eventually gave H the "ultimatum" last June and he moved out....telling me that it was just for space, time to think, etc....two weeks later he filed for divorce!!! She did a real good job on him!!!That's where we stand....divorce in progress, he's with her and even though there was admittance on his part before - he now denies that he is involved with anyone!! Benefit of the lawyers in my opinion.He goes through phases of contact and friendship like behavior with me....From the onset, he said that he wants to grow old with me in 10,20 or 30 years,but needs to do this now - to be happy!!! He says that our relationship is going to be "so much better" after the divorce!!! I refer to him as the Whack-a-doodle and believe that he wants me in his life in some capacity and just hasn't figured out what capacity that is.....I think he is just running from looking at his feelings, actions and reasoning for/of what he has done. He is still in the affair, so that is a major fog factor and therefore his brain has not allowed anything I am doing/feel/etc....to take hold and effect him.I love my husband....probably always will. I have not had self-esteem issues, anger problems, etc......I don't believe in divorce and certainly do not want one!! I have strong beliefs in the vows I took as well as keeping true to my not matching his behavior just because he is choosing the easy way to deal with his life.My ultimate hope would be for the affair to die.....and some progress be made with us. At least to a level of understanding, closure and growth that allows us both to continue life as better equiped to handle any future relationships and to have at least learned and improved some things about ourselves....at least it wouldn't be all for nothing!!!I try to be positive....sometimes I fail, but usually bounce back pretty good!!!That's the overall story.....so far!!!!BIG HUGS and let's hear yours,Sheba

My profile disappeared a couple weeks ago & even with Tempest's help I cannot get one to appear...H's affair with co-worker turned physical 4/98. He moved out the first time 8/98. Has moved in and out 7 times. Has broken off & resumed affair 3-4 times. His last attempt to contact her was 2/00. He's now out of the house since Jan 7. I served divorce papers 3/00. He now wants to make the marriage work. My lovebank & trust vaults are empty, echoing holes in the ground and I don't believe I can try again. We've known each other 20 years, half our lives. 2 daughters 12 & 14.

Sheba,I think this will be the longest thread in MB history!My story:My H and I have been married for 10 1/2 years. His 1 and only affair (physical and emotional) began sometime last fall.I found out on Dec. 23rd and he moved in with her that day. I was abused verbally and physically throughout our entire marriage and the verbal abuse continued after the separation. He gave me money until Feb.13 and then stopped. He also hasn't seen the kids since then.He had been telling me that he filed for divorce in Feb. but I was never served. I filed to be able to get support and he was served Sunday. I, in return, was served Tuesday. Turns out, he filed at the same time I did. And to top it all off, his grounds for filing were irreconsilable differences and cruel and inhuman treatment! I was cruel to him???!!! NOT!So this is where we stand now. Our first hearing to decide temporary support is April 14th. I have no contact at all with him. I will not call him and he does not call me or the kids. In his mind we have dropped off the face of the earth!Mitzi

I have been married 28 years. I have been on MB since Dec. H was dealing with MLC , first he had an e-mail EA I discovered it last march and immediately we started consueling. I guess I was in plan A from discovery (didn't know it at the time either) until Nov of last year when I came home (the day after layoff for H)and he was gone. Left a note. didn't know his wherabouts for almost 3 weeks. Finally when he did start contacting me, discovered he had left to meet email ow, he had started the relationship again without my knowledge. That did It I was so furious I filed for the Divorce. Now they are no longer together (so he says) but he is living out of state has a new job and only calls to talk to son, (that just started on a reg. basis. (I too think it was suggested by his attorney). I know all that he has done can be undone and started again. H has not even tried. Or says he has hurt to many people to be forgiven. Working on coming to a settlement agreement. I feel I've done everything I can think of to salvage this marriage. H says he does miss us, but can't ask us to be with him. I don't understand this. So I'm just trying to move on with my life.

Here are a couple of my background threads: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000604.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000604.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000619.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000619.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000631.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000631.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000634.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000634.html</A> That should be enough to keep you all busy all day!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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I started lurking on MB in Sept. 99. I registered and started posting in Dec. 99. My H and I have been married twice to each other. Once when we we both too young (16 & 18) and we had the marriage annulled. We got remarried 6 years later and have been married for 5 years. We were pretty much still together between marriages. My H was not faithful during our first marriage, but I told myself that was because we were both so young. Everything seemed to be going ok since about 1992. Except, of course, the everyday stresses of life. He worked usually 50 hours a week and I went to college full-time. Plus, raising two children, ages 8 & 3. I went to FL to help my mom out after she got sick. I took the kids and was gone for 4 days. Upon my return, I could tell something was wrong. My H was very distant. Two days later he tells me he wants a divorce and is moving out. Then, a couple of days after he left he tells me he is "in love" with a married woman 900 miles away. Apparently, they knew each other a very short period of time. Even the phone bills prove that (I have the phone bills from my house and her house). With my estimation they knew each other about a week and met over the phone. They talked the WHOLE time I was in FL.In Sept. of 99 he leased an apartment and moved this woman down here with him. He lied to me the whole time saying they were no longer even friends. I caught them in Dec. 99 and he had me arrested for harassment! He is still currently saying there is nothing between them, but I think that is because of the legal problems it could cause.Both my H and his ow left their kids to be together. Both are so selfish it is unbeliveble. I filed for divorce in Oct. 99 due to financial protection for my children and myself. My H FINALLY paid child support this month (March 00). Before then he paid basically nothing. Said he didn't feel he should have to pay for a house and bills there if he wasn't living there.My divorce is suppose to be final next month. Of course, I miss him, but I think I will feel that way for sometime to come. Every day gets easier and easier and I find it harder to believe I can ever trust him again.

My H started acting strange in October, 1998. He came home one night extremely late, which was totally unlike him, and was angry that I was worried. I found him calling the OW on his cellphone in December, but he insisted that she was the wife of someone he worked with, and he had called her H. In February, one day we were planning to offer on a house, and the next morning he announced he wanted a divorce. He called from work the next evening to say he wasn't coming home. He introduced the kids to the OW (said she was a friend from work) in April, and immediately afterwards filed for divorce. He used to be a caring, devoted father. He has called the kids about 3 times since he left. He has continually cut back on visitation, usually without telling them in advance. Now he is only seeing them much less than "standard" visitation. He has told them that if they disturb the OW too much, they can not visit him.

ok here it goes:Husband having an ea with secretary at work. He invited her to our house for dinner and we went out 2 times w/her and friends. He told me he was in love in Jan 98. He moved out 2weeks later. We went to marriage counseling for 7 months trying to figure out what to do. He lied the whole time he was doing this and pursuing a very sexual relationship with OW. We took family trips together and spent holiday's as a family. He gave me a yeast infection courtesy of his girlfriend. I finally filed for divorce Mar of 99. He is still seeing her. Although my children 18 and 9 have not seen much of her. He keeps her private. He is slowly bringing her into the picture. He has started bring her to the raves he goes to with my 18 year old son. He has not cut his hair since seperation and is basically constantly trying to buck the system. We settled everything in mediation, and divorce papers should have been filed in Jan. I still have not seen final propery settlement. He is stalling for some reason.Thats my tale!!! Oop forgot, Im 37 h is 38 ow 24. We were married 19 years! yuk![This message has been edited by Limerick (edited April 01, 2000).]

Ok, here goes..... Age 45, X is 47 Married 18 yrs, have known each other since high school, two kids 16 and almost 14. Own a business together (me 51%, he 49%) still! We still are working together. It is hard.Jan 98 I discovered he was having an internet affair with a 32 yr old with three very small children..Upon discovery, he moved out, we went to counseling, he "said " he wanted our marriage.. after 6 weeks, he moved back in. Still continued friendships online with other women, even after I told him it bothered me. But he said he had ended it with OW. I believed him. April 99, his BD, I discovered it was going on again. Once again he said it was over, but her H called me and told me it had gone on all winter and was still going on. Asked him to go to counseling, but he refused. Lied to me the whole time about the affair. Moved out again in July....I filed in Nov.....we are now divorced, he is now physically involved with her, she has left her H and they are having a long distance relationship. I am dating now, met a great guy who I have known for a long time...taking it slow...don't know if I ever want to marry again, but love the companionship...!!!!------------------ Susan

OK, my turn. By the way, I like this board. I know almost everyone here.Married 14 1/2 years, including 1 1/2 year separation. Both age 40. Two children, son 7, daughter 1.My husband started to act withdrawn, then hostile, one month after the birth of our second child (August '98). Started picking fights about everything possible. Would not talk to me about what was wrong (it was obvious) or look me in the eyes. Told me he didn't love me, that I was an awful and unloving person, that I was controlling, and he didn't want to be with me. Was staying out late and working every Saturday without letting me know in advance. Often came home with alcohol on his breath. During a brief vacation, told me he had scheduled time to meet with an attorney to start a divorce. I was shocked. Refused to go to counseling or talk to me about the nature of the problems.After about a month of this treatment, I packed his bags and threw him out. I figured he'd be back in a few days after realizing what was at stake. Instead, he signed a six month lease for an apartment. I strongly suspected an OW but he denied it four separate times. I finally dug up enough evidence and he confessed, but not until we were separated three months. OW is a subordinate at work who is the polar opposite of both my husband and myself. 18 months later, no one in the family has met her.Husband went from angry to depressed. Did nothing further on divorce. Stopped contact with children. Dropped friends and family. Went to Plan B in January '99. I found MB Forum in Dec. '98 and started to make a plan for myself.During Plan B, husband gained 50 pounds and never saw our baby a single time. Contact with son was limited, at one point he went a month with no interaction. I went back to Plan A after five months because I couldn't deal with his lack of interaction with the kids. I felt responsible.Husband was ecstatic when I left Plan B. We get along great, have fun together, and enjoy family time. He does not seemed depressed. We see each other several times a week, have dinner together about twice per week, and do a number of things on weekends as a family. But he will not, under any circumstances, talk about the future, his affair (it's still going on), what he does with his free time, what he wants to do next, what he feels towards me, what the problems he has with me are, or why he's doing this. If I bring up anything, he leaves. I have had recent success by writing letters to him. He reads them and I can see him making changes as a result, but he doesn't tell me anything.I sent him a letter in February that told him directly that this situation was his responsibility and he was being irresponsible and cruel by not making a decision. I said that if he forced me to file for divorce, I would forever consider him "dishonorable and cowardly" for ending the marriage this way. Shortly after I sent the letter, he sent me a letter (the first time) saying he had filed for divorce.Divorce papers arrived in the mail. I told him that I would not sign the waiver of service until we had a face-to-face discussion about the problems he has with me in the marriage, why he thinks divorce is the only way to solve them, and what other alternatives exist to this approach. I have twice scheduled this discussion and he ducked it both times. I told him that I was now waiting for HIM to schedule the talk and was not doing anything about the divorce until we talked live. He said "that's fine", and of course hasn't scheduled any time. I recently sent another letter that expressed my concerns about failing to address the problems of the marriage and then taking them into future relationships and forever locking in our pain about this one. It seems to have affected him and he left a message on my answering machine saying that I made good points and he would get back to me on it soon, with an "I promise" at the end. We'll see. Soon to him could mean six months or longer.The really good news is that my husband is once again an active and involved parent. He coaches soccer and baseball and has found the time to attend games and school events, which he didn't do AT ALL a year ago. He is slowly building a relationship with our toddler, although it has a long way to go. He is also respectful, helpful and considerate with me (as long as I don't bring up the banned topics).So, I'm really still in limbo. I don't know whether to say we're in the process of divorcing or not. There is a good chance my husband will never schedule a talk with me. He hasn't wanted to talk a single time during the entire separation. I am mentally committed to more aggressively building my single-life, but I'm having a hard time getting started on doing it. I don't really know why, but I just can't let go of this. I do feel like an idiot about it and no longer talk to my friends and family about what I'm doing, since none of them agree with me (including my husband's parents and brothers). Thank God for cyber-friends or I'd really be alone.Hope this wasn't too long.

I'm a lurker that doesn't have time to post much but this new forum is definitely where I belong!I am divorced, final Feb. 27th. I had been with my husband 14 years, married for almost 9. We have two small children ages 6 and 5. One year ago my XH started acting strangely and when I confronted him I found out he was miserable in our marriage. He pretended to "try", said there was no one else involved. Basically he was trying not to be the bad guy. Soon he moved out, needed space, and suddenly OW (a friend/coworker) is in the picture. At one point he came back and said he wanted to work on the marriage, but a week later he ran off to OW. They now live together, work together and except for the children I have no contact with him.I still don't understand how someone can throw away 14 years. I have sole custody of the children, so he only sees them once a week and every other weekend. So far that seems to be enough for him, he never even asks me about them.I am the one that filed for divorce. My XH basically said he needed 1 to 2 years to "date" and have his freedom. I certainly didn't trust him, so I decided to protect myself and the children. Fortunately we are financially okay and can stay in our home.I just went on my first date last weekend! It was so hard! I don't think I'm ready for anything serious, but I thought it would be nice to get out and socialize. I really do miss my old life, but I am trying my best to adjust to this new lifestyle.Gwen[This message has been edited by gwen (edited March 30, 2000).]

Married 8 years, together 13 years. Affair with coworker started in Dec 98. I discovered almost immediately (he acted really strange). He said all the usual things, and moved out in Jan 1999. I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child. Children are now 5 1/2 and 1 year. I hung on for a year. Did marriagebuilders plan A, divorcebusting, etc. He waffled back and forth. He lied throughout the whole year about the extent of his involvement with the OW. We were in counseling for awhile, but he never was willing to try to work things out. The final straw for me was this last Christmas. I took the kids back east where both our families live. I wanted him to come with us. He instead went on a ski trip with the OW. This was after he had been insisting for 6 months that he wasn't seeing her. I came back from Christmas ready to pursue the divorce and move on with my life.Things at the moment are very, very tense. We are in mediation regarding the parenting time issues. Our court date is for the week of 4/24. I hope we will settle things before going to court, but he refuses to discuss anything with me. All negotiation must go through his lawyer, and she seems determined to end up in court (after all, that's how they make the $$$, isn't it?) I started dating someone, but I'm keeping it non-serious until after the divorce is final. The companionship is nice, but I'm not ready for anything more.

Thank you for posting this topic ShebaMarried 23 years. 4 children 13-19. H has been having affair since Oct 97 , but I had been communicating for 8 months prior to discovery (Jan 99) to try to find exactly "what was broken" plan A ing and getting lots of unrealistic reasons, uncaring and emotionally abusive behaviour. A lot contributed to our situation....H's resentment that I was financially independent,my working (I was a SAHM until youngest at school full day and H resenting that I was becoming a respected and valued member of my workplace and was not only H's wife and children's mother!) his low-self esteem, older sons preparing to go away to school, he had achieved success in the community and could not deal with this, his parents deaths in their late 50s,early 60s...he felt that he was going to die and had better fit everything in.(MAJOR MLC and FANTASY about many things)After d-day, roller coaster ride...lots more lies and unrealistic expectations and new very different values for family. (the respectability of marriage with everything else on the side..ow, travel all the time, dinner out every night!..sounds good...but 2 teens with educational issues still at home!)Separated in March 99 Saw 2 marriage counsellors all the while treating me in a very uncaring, inconsiderate manner, lying about OW being out of his life, but that there were plenty more where she came from etc etc., lying to the kids where he was (when he was with ow ..travelled every other weekend we knew not where to), telling kids I was insane all the while telling all he wanted reconcilation all the while setting higher and higher hurdles for me to jump to try to save the marriage.I Filed in July 99 as I could not take any more emotionally (all 4 kids a mess and younger 2 started therapy..still ongoing) I lost 35 pounds to weigh 105 (still there) and am 5'6".Plan B still in effect. No further contact except when I called him 3x re kids. Does call kids on their phone line,(but also accused me of erasing his messages to them!!! and I had to get the kids to change the password to one that was a secret from me. They refused to do this until I told them why and they though he was nuts as they know this was not true) Has not taken any responsibility for any of this mess and tells all that the kids are fine! H is fighting at every turn...had to be taken to court 2X for interim support and to pay a share of kids educational bill! Thinks he is entitled to what is his and what is mine! Divorce will take years as his fantasy is also gounded in financial issues and a VERY unrealistic sense of entitlement.Is uncle dad, calls a lot but takes kids one on one as he convinced the courts they fight! Has visitation once a week for dinner with each of the 2 younger kids and every other weekend when he is supposed to take them separately one of his weekends, and both on the other. Has never taken them together.Has not been involved in their lives realistically. No contact with schools, therapists, does not take kids to any appointments, they cannot see friends when they are with him as it is "his time."H has played the kids, justifying his behaviour in all aspects of this mess and this has made the kids crazier. OW now openly lives with him. Her child (unmarried mother at 16 whose father has custody of her 12 year old)visits her same weekend as my kids.Accusations still continue re what I need to do with threats if I do not. Latest is even more bizarre than some of the others: As of Jan 1, 2000 I get child support (interim until this mess is sorted out) and I am responsible for the household utility bills, but they are directly debited form his chequing account. My lawyer has written to his lawyer 3X to get him to change this and change the billing name to mine. He has not done this told me if I do not make the changes, he will take the money out of child support. I called all the companies in Jan and I cannot legally make the changes!!!! My lawyer explained this in detail to him in a letter today!!!Yes this is unfortunately WW3. His aim was to have it all and remain friends with me, but with friends like this, who needs enemies.Actually this is a pathetic situation ...a man who had everything and now has nothing but his self adoration and the adoration (sic) of a now 28 year old who is in the realtionship with her "sugar daddy" and they can "eat out every night and travel every other weekend".

I feel like an idiot posting this - my story is sort of simple in comparison...Married to H for almost 6 years. He has daughter from prev. marriage about to go to college.Marriage has had rocky points mostly due to his less than honest business dealings. The lack of trust led me to have less sexual feelings for him.He has never slept much but in Nov./Dec., he was staying up much longer and hiding the screen if I came up to see what he was typing. Seems he had an online relationship with someone for a few months. I read them and he was the initiator. She was also married. She lives across the country from us. They have similar interests/hobbies - I was also very supportive of them. I knew of the woman but he claimed they were just friends. I suspected more.I was unhappy in my job and he told me to leave it in Feb. I did so. The day I left, he left for a trip. I discovered the next day that he was not where he said he was. He called then to tell me he was going to move there to be with her and she was leaving her husband. He said he would continue to pay things so that I would not have to return to work immed. but I cannot trust that, now.He has since moved there but intends to return here 2x month for his visitation with his daughter. She is wholly against this relationship but feels she has no impact on his choices. She supports me in this but also doesn't want to cut off her father.I am a wreck. I never expected this and I begged him to give our marriage a chance - to go to therapy and work out whatever problems we had. He declared (in almost identical language that he used when we met) that she is the love of his life, etc. He *is* the love of my life - I waited till I was 30 before I married because I was only going to do it the one time. I believe wholly in my vows.I am still very distraught and in disbelief but trying hard to work the details out between us as amicably as possible. I want, more than anything, for him to come back and try to work things out. I believe he is running away from our problems and, perhaps, having a mid-life crisis and calling it love.See? My story is so simple compared to the horror stories I read...but I still cannot believe the pain....how to survive this pain?

Joined on Nov.8 99I'm 31 W 31 LRB 17 ouch!!plan A'd until Feb13, stayed in plan-B for 3 weeks until W LB'd to the point I couldn't take it anymore and ALL respect for her vanished so I threw in the towel. Filed property settlement now we wait til Oct8 to divorce all that is left are details. I am looking forward to the future.Bill------------------ BB

I'm 44, x will be 42 next week. We have two children, 12yo d and 9 yo son. We were married 16 yr in Oct 99. OM is 47-48,married, at least as far as I know, with 3 older children. In May 99, I went on 2 day business trip. Two days before, x went out after work(she works straight afternoon shifts) with "the girls". The day I was leaving, x went shopping all day with a new "girl" from work. She came home late, and avoided me, I told her I was jealous she was doing all these things with friends. She said she was allowed to ahve friends.I got home on Fri. We went to bed early that night, when phone rang and x immediately answered it. I could hear a male voice. She said it was someone from work about a problem patient. I was suspicous as I did not know of any men she worked with.Om Sat. x went to bed early and I stayed up watching TV. Phone rang once and when I picked it up, x was talking to om and making a date.I confronted her that night, her parents were in the spare bedroom. She said that om was who she had gone out with after work and spent the day "shopping." The shopping trip was the day affair turned physical. I am not sure how long EA went on. Had to be 2-3 months.I said immediately I wanted the kids and she never said no. We decided to try counseling at the request of her parents. She said she and om had decided to give their marriages 3 months to improve.I arranged a counseling session thru my EAP and it turned out to be a Christian counselor. On the same day x went to see our assistant pastor, a woman, who told my x it might take 1-5 yrs to rebuild marriage. We went to counselor that same day.I decided that if i wanted to save the marriage I wou;d have to be able to share my emotions/feelings something I had not done in our marriage.After counseling session, x came out angry. She said she knew all this stuff and why didn't I, plus she didn't want to wait 5 yrs for things to get better.The following week, I was beside myself, I asked her why if she ws so unhappy hadn't she filed for divorce. She said she had an appointment the next week and that she had canceled the next counseling session.X then decide she wanted to be alone to think. I said ok but to not take om. She said ok. She returned early the next day and said she wanted to work on the marriage. She said om was supposed to met her and he didn't show and she took this as a sign from God to stay in the marriage.We started counseling with another Christian counselor. Each time x came out angry. I waas concerned because she worked with om. She said it was strictly professional. We started dating again. And the one night I had a great time and though x did too. She had a hangover the next two days and avoided me. She didn't go to church on Sun and stayed in bed. WHen we got back from church she was up and dressed. I checked her phone and found she had called om.The next day, I got a hang up phone call. Then right before she went to work, our son answered, and x startedd yelling she had it and for him to hang up. I overheard her talking to om. At counseling the next day x said she had terrible time and couldn't look me in the eye while we were shopping for things we could do to improve our home. When I asked her about the great sex, she said she could have sex with anyone after a few drinks.After work that night I asked her about relationship with om. She said it was strictly professional. I then asked why he was calling here again. She made up and lie. I then asked why she was still calling him. She said she loved him and wanted to know what if, that he was a soulmate.I told her she couldn't live here and date. She agreed that she would find a place of her own as soon as possible.I had found MB in June 99 and had been plan Aing to no avail. The only time we seemed to get anything out in the open was when we fought.I then decided to go to plan B when she was moving out.She told me on July 1st that om was also leaving his wife and thast they were getting together on the 2nd to discuss their future.We decided to tell our kids later that afternoon together. When I got home early that afternoon, x wasn't there and kids were alone. I went to motel where I ahd learned they had planned to meet another time and found her car there. I knocked on the door and asked why she wasn't home with the kids(she brought om lunch!)/ She said she she already told the kids. I went home and she had lied to the kids. I told them the truth and when she got home, she was angry and packed and left to stay at cheap motel with om.That night om's w reportedly attemped suicide, so he went back to her for 2 weeks. X moved into suite's hotel with om picking up the tab.X found apartment in mid july and om moved in within 2 weeks. On first day of school, x brought up us going to counseling again. I asked how we would do counseling when she ws living with someone else. She dropped the subject later blaming me for saying no.In Sept. x found that om ws cheating on her with his wife. She came to me and asked if I would take her back. I said yes. She went to work and of course saw om. Within 5 hrs she was backtracking on what she had said about coming home. She then started divorce papers in Sept. IN mid Oct, she and om where to go on cruise his mother had bought him and his wife, but the night before he dumped my x because he his w gave him an ultimatum. So om moved back home. X was devastated.I didn't have any trust in x and she never asked to come home so she stayed in apartment. We started dating again and went to counseling for the third time. X was pretty quiet but on the third and which turned out to be the last visit, she said she wsn't willing to work any longer trying to draw things out of me.She had been calling me everyday in the morning, but on my birthday in Nov. she didn't call so I called her. She started yelling at me, saying I was checking up on her, etc. I asked if she was involved with om again and she said yes. Less than a week later the om moved back in.AT that point I said I was through. I went to my lawyer two day later and restarted the divorce papers. The papers were filed on Dec 1, 1999. The divorce hearing was Feb 1, 2000.X and om are still living in town in the apartment, but have bought a house(om's mother lent my x the downpayment).x is paying me child support and there is no alimony paid.She only asked for minimal visitation and that is about all she is seeing them.She is still in LALA land and has no clue what to do with the children. She does almost nothing with children without om being there two.OM was diagnosed as being bipolar and I think my x is catching it from him.Thats my long and winding story that led me to this site! ------------------ "You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!" Mick Jagger

I need to change my name to Busted Hopes. I am new at posting, but have been reading since last summer. I am 44, H is 47 and suffers from depression. I first found out about husband's interest in Feb 99. I Plan A'd and thought things were solved and he could resist his temptations. June 99 I discovered he had in fact begun an affair with the co-worker he had feelings for. Now he said he loved me and her. I immediately resigned my teaching job, moved 7 hours away and he followed days later. Within two weeks he convinced me that he wanted to be with me more than anything and he wanted to be the man he used to be. (Which was a hard-working, honest, decent guy). We have had what I thought were 9 great months of recovery, rebuilding at new jobs and starting over in our empty nest state. I had a hysterectomy last week and am now recovering from this major surgery at home and was playing on the computer history files and discovered he had a secret e-mail account and was in fact continuing contact with OW. Not only that, but he has been having e-mails from 4-5 women he has met on the chat lines. This is so unlike my husband of 25 years. He used to be a high school principal, youth Sunday School teacher, deacon, leader of the community. When confronted, he finally admitted he loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together, but he still "loves" her and can't stop contact.

sorry, I forgot I already put my story here. It will take me time to get used to this.[This message has been edited by hopeful now (edited April 01, 2000).]

Everyone here has so much more history than me and my wife! Well, here it goes. We have been married for two and a half years. We were high school sweethearts. Shortly after we got married I went to basic training ( I had enlisted before we got married, so it was no surprise to my wife). When I came home on leave after infantry training my wife was very cold and unsupportive of me. I sought support from another woman. I did not sleep with her, but I could have. ( I hid this from my wife.) I went to Germany shortly after and I had a hard time getting her here. Eventually the system worked and after four more months of being apart we were together again. We were together for about a week when I had to go the field. The day I got back was when our son was conceived! Two weeks after that I got deployed to Bosnia. When I got home my wifes belly was huge! It was so cute! We were still fighting and she was cold towards me but happy times were there. She wanted me out of the army, but the army isn't just a job you walk away from. After she had our beautiful son we started to fight very often. She didn't appear to want to be with me. I became extremely withdrawn and depressed. She would always talk about this one friend of mine and how much more fun he was than me and how cool he was. I told her if she liked him that much to sleep with him. She did. I knew the next day and I asked her about it. She admitted to it and then started crying. I told her that I almost sleep with another woman once, I was trying to make her feel better but she blew up on me. Suddenly it didn't matter that she had just slept with another guy. I was the bad guy. She went home a couple weeks later and I told her not to come back. She did anyway. I asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. She said no. She made fun of me constantly and started a fight whenever she could. I would watch our son for her while she went to the bars. She always came home later than I asked her, way past two in the morning. She continues to talk to the guy even though I ask her not to. Finally, she told me she wanted to leave. I begged her not to go but she had her mind made up. I support her decision as best I can but a couple of weekend ago she finally pushed me over the edge. She went out and got drunk and woke up in another mans bed. She didn't do anything with him but my trust is gone completely. She still goes out even though I ask her not to. Depression is coming back again.

Thanks Jim, for putting this in the notable posts thread... I think it needs to come right on back to the forum for more input.My Story:I was married on April 26, 1980, to the most beautiful man I had ever seen. We had met on a blind date six weeks earlier, and we eloped. Nope, wasn't pregnant, just in love. Life was hard, as imagined since we didn't know each other, but got progressively better for about six years. Year seven (ah, the seven year itch) was the year my H decided to put his toes in the waters outside home. He met several woman through the school in which he worked, and began two simultaneous EA's with some Clintonesque sex. He never considered them affairs because he didn't have intercourse. I found out, he denied, and the story is like so many others really... bottom line was that I won him back, we moved 100 miles away from all the women (in the end there were those two plus several other daliances - cards, letters, gifts, no touching).Those were very hard years, but I'm strong, and we rebuilt our marriage. During the several months prior to my 40th birthday, I began to change, and not just a little. I was disatisfied and lonely. We'd always worked opposite shifts and we rarely saw eachother, plus we had three teenagers, one of whom is special needs, and he was never around to help. I offer this not as an excuse, please understand, but as a place where my mind was when I embarked on an EA with a co-worker. It lasted 3 months, with one hop in the sack, which I immediately regretted and fessed up to. He was devistated, of course. I still worked with the man throughout the months, and that made things much more difficult, of course. It was over, but of course there was contact, and I went through withdrawl like most others who betray... it was hell. Three months into withdrawl I found this place, and became as addicted to it as I had to the OM. I read everything, tried everything (though not very successfully) and tried to fight a good fight. However, my H could not go forward, and bless his heart, I think in his way he really tried. He was never a good communicator, and it turned out it was my top emotional need. Sex was his, and it was high on my list too, so we tried to have lots of sex to 'fix' things. Didn't work. He moved out seven weeks after D day, to punish me, and I begged him back. That happened two other times in the course of the following eight months. In November 1999 he began attending a 'feel good' church, and he met two women who he felt a connection with. One of them fell in love with him, and became his newest OW. They slept together four days before the last time he moved in, and he didn't tell me until after he had noplace else to go - or believe me, he never would have come home. Since he *was* home, we tried again to rebuild. My OM wasn't a concern anymore, now his OW was... what a mess.Today, she is still in the picture, and she is quite a pushy woman, and hey, I can hardly blame her - he's still gorgeous (although he's looking pretty bad since he's lost about 40 pounds, but David looking bad is better than most men who look good <sigh> ) and he makes beautiful love... she's hooked. I filed for divorce because I really don't see any other way for this to work. We are at a stalemate, and I know it's not a good reason to file, but there you have it.For the record, my affair was not revenge on his earlier affairs, but a cry for help, and a piss-poor one at that. He says his latest wasn't revenge either, and honestly I don't know if it was or wasn't, and it doesn't really matter at this point.If all goes smoothly, I will be divorced in November, 2000.

I am 45, my ex is 53, his second marriage to me, my first to him, we were married 2 mths short of 12 yrs, and together 3 yrs before marriage, he left his first wife after the same amount of yrs married to me, and had a son with first wife, who was the very same age as our daughter was, at the time of D, (which was 10 yrs old.. now she is 12) His son is now 26 yrs old.. stbx left me nov 98, and the divorce is almost over..We had re-befreinded an old high school (girl) freind of his, who is still married to this day, (so they are still sneaking around with each other) and during the time we were socializing with her and her H, she had told my ex, (my full fledged husband at the time) that she was miserable in her marriage.. (poor baby) but I had already picked up in this hussy, very pronto! I knew she was interested immediatly..!!! From the first time going out socially with her... I nick named her perdue!! because I swear!! she looks just like frank perdue, but with a little hair!! and I mean very little hair, very thin.. wears it very short, having no choice.. and it looks like feathers too! I had this hussy over my house for a barbaque, summer (july) of 98, we went to her daughters engagement party, in oct 98, and that night!! I knew..!!! and my ex allowed her to make a fool of me the entire evening.. dancing with him to the first slow song of the night!! and so on.. I confronted him when we got home, and he said I was over reacting.. and denied anything was going on, of course until!! 3 mths after leaving!!! I know this woman`s older daughter is getting married this june 2000, and I feel in my gut, that she is waiting for this wedding to be over, before making her move to leave her H... so not to ruin her daughters wedding.. (nice of her to help ruin my daughters life though, huh!) and in a way I can`t wait until the sh__! hits the fan.. as they say.. hopfully this (very slow, and very dumb) H of hers will make my stbx`s and Ow`s life miserable for them both.. then my divorce would go down with justice!!!the end....AV

Hi Sheba, Good idea for the thread. I too feel kind of silly in comparison to some of the stories, but here's mine. Sounds like something out of a soap opera.I am 27. MY ex is 27. We met when we were 16. He claimed it to be love at first site, I still claim it was lust on his part. We were together about 11 years. I had my first daughter at 18, second daughter at 20 and third daughter at 25.We waited 7 years to be married. A lot of reasons. I believed marriage was forever. I believed, that it was wrong to marry just for the children's sake. When we first were together, he cheated on me with my close friend. It was a nightmare. I took it very hard. I walked away and wasn't smart enough to keep walking. I was 17 what the heck did I know.Well, a surprise baby and a hope for her to have a good life, I thought, I could make this work. Put lots of time and effort into the relationship, even though we weren't married, I treated him as we were. Five years later, he leaves when he turns 21. I recently had baby number 2. He decides he would rather be out drinking. ALso having drug relapses, but at the time, I am in denial to this.He starts a relationship with an older woman, well, ok when I was 21 she seemed old at 30 but I appologize for that now. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

She was a real jerk. He didn't pay me child support for the whole year we were broke up, but I survived and went on to buy a house on my own and had a very good career. He attempted suicide a second time (first time was at age 17). I wound up in counseling with him at an attempt to get him stable in life, and for that alone. The counseling worked, too good, and I fell in love with him all over. Well, I perceived it to be that. Once again, I didn't know that he was controlling me, and that it would all end. Went on to have baby girl number 3. That was all he needed to take the last of my freedom, self esteem and courage at that point.I tried to adjust and make the best of things, and at some point, was at least surviving with it. He left on xmas day in December of 1999. He introduced OW to his mom on New Years. Discovery Day January 3. January 26, after 4 weeks of begging, complaining, and confusion, he asks to come back. I agree. He changes his mind. I am confused. February 14 BOOM, I get divorce papers. He wants to marry OW. (she is 24 with a 5 year old son) She knew he was married, and wanted him for herself. She perceived him to be a good husband, dad and provider for the family. SHe did not know I was abused by him emotionally for years, that I made more money than he, and that a good dad doesn't leave his kids on xmas day. He drags me through court and trys to wreck my life and credit. April 26 I have court. He cancels, we get postponed one week.He now wants to stop the divorce cause we supposedly can't agree on a settlement. I suspect he is changing his mind.I went on to see someone new, against the views of many on this board. I am very happy with my decision and feel great happiness in my life. The grief I feel at the moment is that my ex can't leave me alone and let me be. HE wanted out. I tried to save the marriage, and failed, but now I am living for me.By the way, I do like this new board (divorced) and seem to know almost everyone here too. Sorry to see us all in the same place. I do lurk a lot, not much energy to post though.Prayers and hugs to you all, Dana [This message has been edited by lonelymom (edited May 14, 2000).]

Thanks Sheba for starting this post. It helps to see where others are coming from and going to... my "story" seems simple also. Married only 4 yrs., together 5 before that, met as temporary roommates (he had just left his ex GF and was waiting for apt to open up.) I fell in loe rather quickly and within 2 mos, we were intimate.We were very happy although I admit to having problems with depression and anger so rather than ruin my relationship, I started counseling. It helped but I was still an angry woman frequently. Anyway, we married, moved to the country and I became more depressed and scared as I thought my H was starting to settle into a life of solitaire & TV and rarely wanted to do things with me. We had some great times but more often just so-so and as time went on, it got worse. He kept saying all was ok until he had closed up his heart to me and soon after, he became very attracted to a friend of mine. When he told me in Dec., that all hope was lost for the marriage, I moved upstairs. I came to this site in April, learned a lot, made some connections, realized I was still too self absorbed in a negative reactive way and started to pray for strength instead of just praying for my marriage to be saved. He continued to live as if I didn't matter and rather than ride it out, I opted this past week to tell his parents about our situation. He went to see them and must have also told them it was over. He returned home and started moving the rest of my stuff out of our old bedroom and now he just wants me to begin packing and get out asap. We have no children so that will make it somewhat easier to end it but I am empty and sad except for the fact that I have my friends and family and myself to console me and inspire me to believe that things will improve. I just wish we could have communicated sooner. I really will always believe that had we talked more deeply and honestly, we could have avoided this awful place we are in.That's it. I'll probably still come here even as the legal process begins as I gain comfort here. Please be patient with me and pray for us.

I am 36, have two daughters, 3 and 5 and was married 13 yrs. and dated x for 5 years before that. I started dating him right after my breakup with my highschool sweetheart (on the rebound). I married him because he was such a nice, good looking guy and treated me so well, but I really did not have any "romantic" feelings for him, but thought I would eventually. I never did and the relationship quickly deteriorated. I'm not sure when his feelings for me went away. We fought all the time but we were both committed to marriage so we stuck it out, especially once we brought kids in the picture. After having kids, I became worried about all the fighting in front of the kids and the lack of affection between us so I asked that we go to counseling to figure out how to get along and see if there was any chance for us to feel passionate for one another. He went to counseling off and on with me for about 2 yrs. He always said everything was fine, nothing was wrong, that he loved me and never wanted to hear the word divorce, up untill 3 months ago.On my way into work one morning (6:20 a.m. - 2/23/00) he said he no longer had any feelings for me and wanted to separate for a while. I didn't want a separation and although our marriage was in terrible shape I was still hoping we might figure something out with the counseling and a lot of prayer. However, I thought (and the counselor was convinced) that another women was involved because of his sudden change of heart. That was when I found out about the other women. She is under 25. He wouldn't tell me her exact age. So, everyone thinks she is probably 21. He is going to be 39 this year. He said he hadn't had an affair. He just enjoyed having long lunches with her at work and then one day realized he was starting to have feelings for her that he shouldn't and knew then that he should ask for a separation. He wanted to get out before something happened. Such a good guy! He, of course, denied all this at first, but my 5 yr. girl told me that she and my younger daughter had met her at his work one weekend and she sat in her lap and had a frosty and that she also had been to another place she worked and she had made her and her sister hot chocolate. She also told me that she was soooooo nice and wanted her to come to her birthday party. Of course, that tore me up. She had no idea what she was telling me. She is only 5. I just couldn't believe he had my children around her. I didn't even know he wanted a divorce. Obviously, we were in counseling but he was adamant that he didn't want out. I was totally blindsighted. I was humiliated and felt such rejection. I just cried and cried.We are now divorced. It only took 2 1/2 months. I knew I could never trust him and we had a tough marriage to begin with, so I bailed out after trying for about a month to work things out. He went away on weekends with her before the divorce was final and was so blatant about it, that I knew it was over and was told by so many people to get out while I can and settle quickly to protect myself and the kids. So I did. And, I'm so glad it is now over.I still feel very rejected and betrayed but I'm also relieved that I now have a chance to start over and possibly find some much needed happiness for myself and the kids.

Would anyone else like to add their story??I found this interesting to read, and it's only people on this particular board...So, just thought I'd bring it to the top to additions!

Here's my story--all that's fit to print!Married 13 year, together 15 years, dated 2 years before that. I'm 39yo, H is 38yo, and kids are son 14 and daughter 11.At the start of the year 2000, our marriage was rocky but I thought we could go to counseling and "fix it". It never even occurred to me to separate. My H left Feb. 3, 2000 and moved out. He was having an EA with OW and it turned physical when he moved out. He was pretty much in and out of our lives over the months, mostly stopping to spend time with the kids. In June 2000, he moved back home because (to quote him): "The kids deserve a father." During the summer of 2000 I found MB and lurked for a couple months, but I learned a LOT. I used MB principles and I thought we were working on getting back together--but he was carrying on with the OW behind my back. I think he was trying to alleviate guilt. Finally, in Oct. 2000 he said to me, "Did it ever even occur to you that I know what your emotional needs are, and I just have no intention of meeting them? I'm only staying here until (my daughter's) birthday and them I'm moving out!" On Nov. 1, 2000 he moved out again and in with the OW. She is about 35yo with four kids, all under the age of 11yo! Her xH beat her up and was so violent that they threw him in jail. For Thanksgiving (also my H's birthday) we went to his mother's house as if everything was okay--I almost threw up. About the first week of December, 2000, he took the OW on a long, romantic vacation in the Utah mountains (her home state), and he totally missed all of the Holidays with us. He came back on New Years Day just long enough to yell at us. It wasn't a pretty time. Basically, he had lived with the OW through the months of Nov., Dec. and Jan. 2001 with her and her four kids, and guess what? It turns out he had to babysit a lot--and he doesn't like little kids that much. Hmmm. It also turned out that she ALSO had monthly mood swings, bills to pay, and some stress in her life. Hmmm.On the last weekend of January, I had arranged to go out on my first date since my H and I separated. To be honest, I really liked the guy a lot and I thought to myself, "Why not? Why not enjoy myself a little and give it a try?" So off I went and he had our kids for the weekend. As soon as I got home, he was acting fussy and unusual, and finally I nailed him down and said, "WHAT is the matter?" He said, "You are going to carry on your life WITHOUT ME. We won't be together anymore." WELL DUH!!! I think until that moment, he thought I would just sit around and wait for him--or maybe somehow I would just always be available as a second choice in case first choice didn't work out. You know. That very next weekend, we discussed the possibility of reconciling. I told him I would be willing to consider it, and he was willing to consider it, so we decided to take one more weekend and write our "minimum requirements" of what we would need in order to reconcile--these things were non-negotiable. Guess what? It was the weekend of Feb. 3rd, 2001--the one year anniversary of when he left. So that weekend, I cried a little, I made up my "minimum requirements" list, and we agreed to try to reconcile.Since then we have had Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday--all were days that had particularly bad separation memories, but I have tried to reclaim those days for myself. We have had a rough time and I have heard things that no woman or wife should ever have to hear, but we are still together and that's something.CJ------------------ Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Good idea NB!But I put my profile up a few weeks ago and I'm not retyping it!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

So here's a link to me: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254-3.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254-3.html</A> ------------------ Pain is a given, misery is optional.

I'm letting go of the anger.[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 04, 2001).]

My W and I have been married for 6y. We have 3 kids. First couple of years the marriage went pretty well all things considered but the remaining years have been tumultuous. I was dishonest about money and several low level addictions. Looking back, my W's #1 EN was honesty. Like a fool, I lied out of fear and punishment rather than take my lumps. My W also brought some significant baggage with her. She had at least 1 EA that served as a short term wake up call for me.Things came to a head in Jan 2001 when I was wrongly accused of a major offense (even though it's false, I'm way too embarassed to post). My W could not believe me based on my dishonest past. Filed for legal separation to sort things out on 1/01. It is truly what I needed...have grown a ton since then. The bad part is my W moved out of state with kids (I agreed to it). I'm attempting to relocate in the near future. DD

Hello ALL!!

I'm really new to this board. Not new to the problems though, I've had my share. I'd like to post my history (if I'm in the wrong place sorry) Point me in the right direction.

My husband and I got married VERY young I was 16yo and he was 15yo we've been together 19 years, married 15 years then divorced, due to his affair. Then backed together 2 months. His reasoning was that he couldn't live without his "family" When he came back things were pretty good between us, he said he wanted to marry me again, but I told him and I still am strong on that fact that he was the one that divorced me for the OW I would NEVER remarry him again. Things were OK between us I enjoyed doing things with him again, we took trips as a couple and as a family it was nice. but then his mood swings started up again He started up with the physically/emotionally abusive towards me again (of the 19 years we've been together I was physically/emotionally abused about 16 of them.) My H has always been unfaithful there were at least 4 OW beside this one, this one just insisted that he divorce me and give her 110% He has gotten better and hasn't abused me for the past 3 years though which I am very grateful for. But he still likes his women! I left him back in March 99' just couldn't take it anymore, moved 3 hours away with my sister. He said I had the whole thing planned all along, because of how fast we were able to get a new home and such. While I was away I called up an old friend (wanting to talk) but I guess I was pretty vulnerable for Physical and emotional contact so after a few "dates" it turned physical. I felt like I was having an affair but I kept telling myself that I was already divorced. (I know how lame) He was a friend of ours had been for 16 years. He knew what I had been going through, he knew about the abuse, and how unhappy I had been. So he was there for me. But don't hate me...he was also married at the time. I couldn't stand being a home wrecker and the OW, and especially I couldn't stand the fact that when I needed him emotionally he couldn't be there for me at that instant. So I broke things off and we remained friends only talking on the phone. In the meantime we were going through a custody battle, and my H tried to say that my home environment wasn't very good and called social services, so they came unexpectedly to do a welfare check on my son who was 7yo at the time and found nothing wrong with our living conditions, only that he needed to be in school I explained to her that because of his visual impairment that I couldn't just throw him into a school that I had to get together with a counselor and make up a plan which I had and showed her all the paperwork. So she closed out the case, which upset him. But anyway we still had to go to court for custody, and this court was held on an Indian Reservation so of course since I was Non-Indian my H won. I always remember leaving that courtroom, crying and he follows me out to the car, and says "I have everything now, the kids, the house, just come home now" and his family were standing around laughing like it was so funny. After that I began going out to the bars, drinking and talking to people. I'm not really a drinker, but it eased the pain a bit! Made me forget for awhile at least. Than I met someone, he treated me great! He did and gave me anything I wanted. He wasn't as financially stable as my H was he worked in the Restaurant business and his family were all involved with the wrong side of the law, whereas my H "was the LAW" it didn't matter to me though, he made me happy, so happy that I married him, but a part of me, was still unhappy, I missed my kids, and court appearance after court appearance got really frustrating, our next step would have been to try and get it taking out of the tribal court system and to supreme court but I just gave up. I started talking to my OH again, and was able to come and visit the kids, He talked about how things would change if I only came back, I did a couple of times throughout this but I just wasn't happy, I was happy with the kids but not him. My NH understood what I was going through and saw how unhappy I was without my kids. So he decided to let me go. I came back for good Jan 00, But I was pregnant, according to my DR. I conceived somewhere between the 13-16 of Jan. The only man I was with was my OH and not my NH but since my OH had a vasectomy (sp?) several years ago the DR. may be wrong <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> (Are you still with me?) I kept my pregnancy a secret until May or so. It was so hard, I was so scared. MY OH went and got some tests to check his sperm count in the meantime, things were great between us. I was still unhappy. So I got my own place on the Rez, wasn't the best place but at least I was able to be near the kids. He told me I didn't need to move but I couldn't be here anymore. I went back and forth for a couple of months between my OH's home, my sisters home, and mine. But mostly stayed At OH's home with the kids, I only had my other place for a month or so then moved back with the kids we both agreed that they needed me here with them so My OH moved out. and get this he moved in with his "friend" and her daughter, but said nothing was going on between them (yeah right) It really hurt I kept asking myself why did he beg and plead for me to come home talking about how much he loved me and missed me only to put me though it all over again, with him putting another notch on his belt! My pregnancy was a really rough one I couldn't do much of anything, because even vacuuming would bring on contractions. we stayed civil though, and he was back and forth between here and wherever! My daughter was pregnant at the same time as I so we wanted to be there for her. She finally gave birth to my beautiful granddaughter on September 10, 00. Meanwhile my OH was just back and forth. We still just remained friends. My due date was on Oct 17. So I was in really deep thoughts on whether to keep my baby or put him up for adoption, why would I bring an innocent child into this mess of a life of mine. I didn’t really talk to anyone anymore, not my family or friends I just stayed to myself, I spoke with my DR. and made a few calls. I thought my mind was made up. The day that my labor started the kids and I went with my OH to his grandmothers house for dinner, I didn’t seem to have much of an appetite though, then while I was clearing the table and doing the dishes I felt the contractions start again this time much stronger and harder so I knew this was the real thing. I told my OH that I thought my labor had started, and his response was just “OH” so the kids and I came home but I couldn’t sleep I told my daughter that my labor had started and she sat with me in the living room for awhile but I told her to go to bed and I would wake her when it was time to go to the hospital, so I sat in the living room by myself until it was time, then I woke her up about 4:00a.m. and she took me to the hospital I was 7 CM dilated and because I would be going through a C-section they had to transport me to another hospital 50 miles away, I was prepped at the hospital they wanted me to try and deliver my baby naturally since I was already completely dilated by then but, I refused since I was by myself they asked me if I wanted to see the baby before they carried him off but I didn’t want to so he was gone. I felt so bad, I felt as if they had ripped a part of my heart out along with my son, when they took him away., when I finally woke up a couple of hours in the recovery room, they told me that my family had been calling all morning to check on my, I thought they were talking about my daughter and my son I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to die! They finally moved me to my room And they told me that My husband and called to see how I was doing, and to check on the baby. I told them I didn’t want to talk to anyone and for them to say nothing. A little while later my OH and daughter showed up. They had gone downstairs so see my son in ICU where he was because they had to put him on a respirator because he had wet lungs He asked if I had seen him yet and I told him no bceause it would be too hard for me to see him only to have to let him go, we spoke for awhile , about things not us but how I shouldn’t put the baby up for adoption. After he left I finally got myself pulled together and went downstairs to se my son J, I couldn’t give him up not for all the gold in the world. So I told the hospital that I had changed my mind and soon the both of us came home together! ..My OH moved back home yet again. For awhile, but then said later that it was the wrong thing for him to do! BY NOW HO HUM!!! Anyway he soon found another this time it was his “friends” cousin so now his Unit would be parked outside at her house, on “Main street” where everyone saw it. So I just stayed home. Stayed away from even mil because she was always over there too. I was ready to go on this time I thought for real. But my daughter and I went to the State Fair and he met us over there with my son. It was nice pretending to be a family at the fair, when my daughter and I got home though all of his belongings were everywhere! He had moved back in while we were gone. Yet again with promises I thought this time he would keep, which he didn’t. this was September 01, after being seperated off and on for several months, it lasted only a few weeks, then he was gone again. I began dating another guy (T) we knew as a mutual friend (even longer story) we started to get very serious but not physically yet! My OH found out about him when my son told him that he came to visit us at my sisters house and brought me flowers..boy did OH flip out…when I talked to him he said that he felt as though he was going to be ill, cuz his chest hurt so bad. So back again he comes into our lives, I still wasn’t happy but as long as the kids were that’s all that mattered to me. I just went through the motions. In the meantime my mil and gil tried taking me to court to get me kicked off the rez, when I got served those papers I just left them on top of the computer desk in plain view of him, but he just ignored them. (by the way we were getting along at the time) when the week came for my hearing he wanted to go out of town and my daughter and I both told him that I had court. And all he said was oh yeah, so the day came, and I went and sat in the court room with my mil and gil, and before anything started, the judge asked me if I had anything to say and I told them that I would be voluntarily leaving in a couple of weeks. The judge looked over the papers and told them that he could not kick me off the Reservation because I had not done anything that would give him such cause to do so. And they began crying and saying how much they loved me, but that they felt (R) and I could no longer get along and live in peace and that we were just causing pain towards the family and our children, and I told them that the kids and I are doing just fine without him (R) then he comes back into our lives and disrupts us all over again. And gets us all used to being a family and having him back into our lives just to be gone again when another women pays extra attention to him. The judge told me that I needed to be stronger and not allow him to do this to me that I allow it that’s why he does it each and every time. After that I asked the judge if we were done and he said yes that I could leave. So I thank him for his time and left. Boy did that feel good, at least I had won one case in the tribal courts! So when I got home I began packing, My son decided to go with me, and R didn’t say he couldn’t so I began packing for him too. My mil called R and my son over (they live next door) and was crying away saying she loved me and didn’t want me to leave and was sorry for everything. (yeah right) she never came over and told me though because she knew that I would let her know exactly how I felt. So my sister and her h were coming for us I was moving with T, just until I found my own place. But the night before we were ready to leave, R found out who we were moving with and he started up with the crying and begging. So guess what? Right I stayed yet again. At least for awhile, Spent Thanksgiving here. Then found a place in town Dec. 2 01 At first my sons and I were going to be the only ones to move but my daughter decided to move with us, which was great my new place was a lot smaller, but we made it our home for awhile. The whole ttime R was still talking to the OW, my daughters bf saw them at the store together. So he lied again. So I started talking to T again on a regular basis. Spent New Years with him. My sons b-day is on the 19th of January so he wanted to invite his father over for his party. (keep in mind they had no contact with him since we moved Dec 2) so guess who came back into our lives? Yeah R! We didn’t move back though, we were happy where we were at. We just started talking again. He said again that last contact with OW was then but I don’t know. Anyway We lived there he lived here up until after my daughters graduation. We all moved back in July 02 and we’ve been here, things were great up until a month or so (honey moon phase) then all of a sudden the fighting and silent treatment started up again. I told him that I shouldn’t have moved back I should have just let the kids move back if they wanted to. So we take everyday just one step at a time. The past week and a half have been good. So we’ll see what happens next. Boy I’m so sorry for all the typos and the long story. If I’m posting wrong let me know. It just felt good to get that off my chest. I’ve never told anyone before.

Thanks