I am 45, my ex is 53, his second marriage to me, my first to him, we were married 2 mths short of 12 yrs, and together 3 yrs before marriage, he left his first wife after the same amount of yrs married to me, and had a son with first wife, who was the very same age as our daughter was, at the time of D, (which was 10 yrs old.. now she is 12) His son is now 26 yrs old.. stbx left me nov 98, and the divorce is almost over..<P>We had re-befreinded an old high school (girl) freind of his, who is still married to this day, (so they are still sneaking around with each other) and during the time we were socializing with her and her H, she had told my ex, (my full fledged husband at the time) that she was miserable in her marriage.. (poor baby) but I had already picked up in this hussy, very pronto! I knew she was interested immediatly..!!! From the first time going out socially with her... I nick named her perdue!! because I swear!! she looks just like frank perdue, but with a little hair!! and I mean very little hair, very thin.. wears it very short, having no choice.. and it looks like feathers too! <P>I had this hussy over my house for a barbaque, summer (july) of 98, we went to her daughters engagement party, in oct 98, and that night!! I knew..!!! and my ex allowed her to make a fool of me the entire evening.. dancing with him to the first slow song of the night!! and so on.. I confronted him when we got home, and he said I was over reacting.. and denied anything was going on, of course until!! 3 mths after leaving!!! <P>I know this woman`s older daughter is getting married this june 2000, and I feel in my gut, that she is waiting for this wedding to be over, before making her move to leave her H... so not to ruin her daughters wedding.. (nice of her to help ruin my daughters life though, huh!) and in a way I can`t wait until the sh__! hits the fan.. as they say.. hopfully this (very slow, and very dumb) H of hers will make my stbx`s and Ow`s life miserable for them both.. then my divorce would go down with justice!!!<P>the end....AV<P>

Hi Sheba, <P>Good idea for the thread. I too feel kind of silly in comparison to some of the stories, but here's mine. Sounds like something out of a soap opera.<P>I am 27. MY ex is 27. We met when we were 16. He claimed it to be love at first site, I still claim it was lust on his part. We were together about 11 years. I had my first daughter at 18, second daughter at 20 and third daughter at 25.<P>We waited 7 years to be married. A lot of reasons. I believed marriage was forever. I believed, that it was wrong to marry just for the children's sake. <P>When we first were together, he cheated on me with my close friend. It was a nightmare. I took it very hard. I walked away and wasn't smart enough to keep walking. I was 17 what the heck did I know.<P>Well, a surprise baby and a hope for her to have a good life, I thought, I could make this work. Put lots of time and effort into the relationship, even though we weren't married, I treated him as we were. <P>Five years later, he leaves when he turns 21. I recently had baby number 2. He decides he would rather be out drinking. ALso having drug relapses, but at the time, I am in denial to this.<P>He starts a relationship with an older woman, well, ok when I was 21 she seemed old at 30 but I appologize for that now. She was a real jerk. He didn't pay me child support for the whole year we were broke up, but I survived and went on to buy a house on my own and had a very good career. <P>He attempted suicide a second time (first time was at age 17). I wound up in counseling with him at an attempt to get him stable in life, and for that alone. The counseling worked, too good, and I fell in love with him all over. Well, I perceived it to be that. <P>Once again, I didn't know that he was controlling me, and that it would all end. Went on to have baby girl number 3. That was all he needed to take the last of my freedom, self esteem and courage at that point.<P>I tried to adjust and make the best of things, and at some point, was at least surviving with it. He left on xmas day in December of 1999. He introduced OW to his mom on New Years. Discovery Day January 3. January 26, after 4 weeks of begging, complaining, and confusion, he asks to come back. I agree. He changes his mind. I am confused. February 14 BOOM, I get divorce papers. He wants to marry OW. (she is 24 with a 5 year old son) She knew he was married, and wanted him for herself. <P>She perceived him to be a good husband, dad and provider for the family. SHe did not know I was abused by him emotionally for years, that I made more money than he, and that a good dad doesn't leave his kids on xmas day. <P>He drags me through court and trys to wreck my life and credit. April 26 I have court. He cancels, we get postponed one week.<P>He now wants to stop the divorce cause we supposedly can't agree on a settlement. I suspect he is changing his mind.<P>I went on to see someone new, against the views of many on this board. I am very happy with my decision and feel great happiness in my life. <P>The grief I feel at the moment is that my ex can't leave me alone and let me be. HE wanted out. I tried to save the marriage, and failed, but now I am living for me.<P>By the way, I do like this new board (divorced) and seem to know almost everyone here too. Sorry to see us all in the same place. I do lurk a lot, not much energy to post though.<P>Prayers and hugs to you all, Dana<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lonelymom (edited May 14, 2000).]

Thanks Sheba for starting this post. It helps to see where others are coming from and going to... my "story" seems simple also. Married only 4 yrs., together 5 before that, met as temporary roommates (he had just left his ex GF and was waiting for apt to open up.) I fell in loe rather quickly and within 2 mos, we were intimate.<P>We were very happy although I admit to having problems with depression and anger so rather than ruin my relationship, I started counseling. It helped but I was still an angry woman frequently. Anyway, we married, moved to the country and I became more depressed and scared as I thought my H was starting to settle into a life of solitaire & TV and rarely wanted to do things with me. We had some great times but more often just so-so and as time went on, it got worse. He kept saying all was ok until he had closed up his heart to me and soon after, he became very attracted to a friend of mine. When he told me in Dec., that all hope was lost for the marriage, I moved upstairs. I came to this site in April, learned a lot, made some connections, realized I was still too self absorbed in a negative reactive way and started to pray for strength instead of just praying for my marriage to be saved. He continued to live as if I didn't matter and rather than ride it out, I opted this past week to tell his parents about our situation. He went to see them and must have also told them it was over. He returned home and started moving the rest of my stuff out of our old bedroom and now he just wants me to begin packing and get out asap. <P>We have no children so that will make it somewhat easier to end it but I am empty and sad except for the fact that I have my friends and family and myself to console me and inspire me to believe that things will improve. I just wish we could have communicated sooner. I really will always believe that had we talked more deeply and honestly, we could have avoided this awful place we are in.<P>That's it. I'll probably still come here even as the legal process begins as I gain comfort here. Please be patient with me and pray for us.

I am 36, have two daughters, 3 and 5 and was married 13 yrs. and dated x for 5 years before that. <P>I started dating him right after my breakup with my highschool sweetheart (on the rebound). I married him because he was such a nice, good looking guy and treated me so well, but I really did not have any "romantic" feelings for him, but thought I would eventually. I never did and the relationship quickly deteriorated. I'm not sure when his feelings for me went away. We fought all the time but we were both committed to marriage so we stuck it out, especially once we brought kids in the picture. After having kids, I became worried about all the fighting in front of the kids and the lack of affection between us so I asked that we go to counseling to figure out how to get along and see if there was any chance for us to feel passionate for one another. He went to counseling off and on with me for about 2 yrs. He always said everything was fine, nothing was wrong, that he loved me and never wanted to hear the word divorce, up untill 3 months ago.<P>On my way into work one morning (6:20 a.m. - 2/23/00) he said he no longer had any feelings for me and wanted to separate for a while. I didn't want a separation and although our marriage was in terrible shape I was still hoping we might figure something out with the counseling and a lot of prayer. However, I thought (and the counselor was convinced) that another women was involved because of his sudden change of heart. That was when I found out about the other women. She is under 25. He wouldn't tell me her exact age. So, everyone thinks she is probably 21. He is going to be 39 this year. He said he hadn't had an affair. He just enjoyed having long lunches with her at work and then one day realized he was starting to have feelings for her that he shouldn't and knew then that he should ask for a separation. He wanted to get out before something happened. Such a good guy! He, of course, denied all this at first, but my 5 yr. girl told me that she and my younger daughter had met her at his work one weekend and she sat in her lap and had a frosty and that she also had been to another place she worked and she had made her and her sister hot chocolate. She also told me that she was soooooo nice and wanted her to come to her birthday party. Of course, that tore me up. She had no idea what she was telling me. She is only 5. I just couldn't believe he had my children around her. I didn't even know he wanted a divorce. Obviously, we were in counseling but he was adamant that he didn't want out. I was totally blindsighted. I was humiliated and felt such rejection. I just cried and cried.<P>We are now divorced. It only took 2 1/2 months. I knew I could never trust him and we had a tough marriage to begin with, so I bailed out after trying for about a month to work things out. He went away on weekends with her before the divorce was final and was so blatant about it, that I knew it was over and was told by so many people to get out while I can and settle quickly to protect myself and the kids. So I did. And, I'm so glad it is now over.<P>I still feel very rejected and betrayed but I'm also relieved that I now have a chance to start over and possibly find some much needed happiness for myself and the kids. <P><BR>

Would anyone else like to add their story??<P>I found this interesting to read, and it's only people on this particular board...<P>So, just thought I'd bring it to the top to additions!

Here's my story--all that's fit to print!<P>Married 13 year, together 15 years, dated 2 years before that. I'm 39yo, H is 38yo, and kids are son 14 and daughter 11.<P>At the start of the year 2000, our marriage was rocky but I thought we could go to counseling and "fix it". It never even occurred to me to separate. My H left Feb. 3, 2000 and moved out. He was having an EA with OW and it turned physical when he moved out. He was pretty much in and out of our lives over the months, mostly stopping to spend time with the kids. In June 2000, he moved back home because (to quote him): "The kids deserve a father." During the summer of 2000 I found MB and lurked for a couple months, but I learned a LOT. I used MB principles and I thought we were working on getting back together--but he was carrying on with the OW behind my back. I think he was trying to alleviate guilt. Finally, in Oct. 2000 he said to me, "Did it ever even occur to you that I know what your emotional needs are, and I just have no intention of meeting them? I'm only staying here until (my daughter's) birthday and them I'm moving out!" <P>On Nov. 1, 2000 he moved out again and in with the OW. She is about 35yo with four kids, all under the age of 11yo! Her xH beat her up and was so violent that they threw him in jail. For Thanksgiving (also my H's birthday) we went to his mother's house as if everything was okay--I almost threw up. About the first week of December, 2000, he took the OW on a long, romantic vacation in the Utah mountains (her home state), and he totally missed all of the Holidays with us. He came back on New Years Day just long enough to yell at us. It wasn't a pretty time. <P> Basically, he had lived with the OW through the months of Nov., Dec. and Jan. 2001 with her and her four kids, and guess what? It turns out he had to babysit a lot--and he doesn't like little kids that much. Hmmm. It also turned out that she ALSO had monthly mood swings, bills to pay, and some stress in her life. Hmmm.<P>On the last weekend of January, I had arranged to go out on my first date since my H and I separated. To be honest, I really liked the guy a lot and I thought to myself, "Why not? Why not enjoy myself a little and give it a try?" So off I went and he had our kids for the weekend. As soon as I got home, he was acting fussy and unusual, and finally I nailed him down and said, "WHAT is the matter?" He said, "You are going to carry on your life WITHOUT ME. We won't be together anymore." WELL DUH!!! I think until that moment, he thought I would just sit around and wait for him--or maybe somehow I would just always be available as a second choice in case first choice didn't work out. You know. <P>That very next weekend, we discussed the possibility of reconciling. I told him I would be willing to consider it, and he was willing to consider it, so we decided to take one more weekend and write our "minimum requirements" of what we would need in order to reconcile--these things were non-negotiable. Guess what? It was the weekend of Feb. 3rd, 2001--the one year anniversary of when he left. So that weekend, I cried a little, I made up my "minimum requirements" list, and we agreed to try to reconcile.<P>Since then we have had Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday--all were days that had particularly bad separation memories, but I have tried to reclaim those days for myself. We have had a rough time and I have heard things that no woman or wife should ever have to hear, but we are still together and that's something.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Good idea NB!<P>But I put my profile up a few weeks ago and I'm not retyping it!! <P>So here's a link to me: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254-3.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254-3.html</A> <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I'm letting go of the anger.<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 04, 2001).]

My W and I have been married for 6y. We have 3 kids. First couple of years the marriage went pretty well all things considered but the remaining years have been tumultuous. I was dishonest about money and several low level addictions. Looking back, my W's #1 EN was honesty. Like a fool, I lied out of fear and punishment rather than take my lumps. My W also brought some significant baggage with her. She had at least 1 EA that served as a short term wake up call for me.<P>Things came to a head in Jan 2001 when I was wrongly accused of a major offense (even though it's false, I'm way too embarassed to post). My W could not believe me based on my dishonest past. Filed for legal separation to sort things out on 1/01. It is truly what I needed...have grown a ton since then. The bad part is my W moved out of state with kids (I agreed to it). I'm attempting to relocate in the near future. <P>DD<P>

Hello ALL!!

I'm really new to this board. Not new to the problems though, I've had my share. I'd like to post my history (if I'm in the wrong place sorry) Point me in the right direction.

My husband and I got married VERY young I was 16yo and he was 15yo we've been together 19 years, married 15 years then divorced, due to his affair. Then backed together 2 months. His reasoning was that he couldn't live without his "family" When he came back things were pretty good between us, he said he wanted to marry me again, but I told him and I still am strong on that fact that he was the one that divorced me for the OW I would NEVER remarry him again. Things were OK between us I enjoyed doing things with him again, we took trips as a couple and as a family it was nice. but then his mood swings started up again He started up with the physically/emotionally abusive towards me again (of the 19 years we've been together I was physically/emotionally abused about 16 of them.) My H has always been unfaithful there were at least 4 OW beside this one, this one just insisted that he divorce me and give her 110% He has gotten better and hasn't abused me for the past 3 years though which I am very grateful for. But he still likes his women! I left him back in March 99' just couldn't take it anymore, moved 3 hours away with my sister. He said I had the whole thing planned all along, because of how fast we were able to get a new home and such. While I was away I called up an old friend (wanting to talk) but I guess I was pretty vulnerable for Physical and emotional contact so after a few "dates" it turned physical. I felt like I was having an affair but I kept telling myself that I was already divorced. (I know how lame) He was a friend of ours had been for 16 years. He knew what I had been going through, he knew about the abuse, and how unhappy I had been. So he was there for me. But don't hate me...he was also married at the time. I couldn't stand being a home wrecker and the OW, and especially I couldn't stand the fact that when I needed him emotionally he couldn't be there for me at that instant. So I broke things off and we remained friends only talking on the phone. In the meantime we were going through a custody battle, and my H tried to say that my home environment wasn't very good and called social services, so they came unexpectedly to do a welfare check on my son who was 7yo at the time and found nothing wrong with our living conditions, only that he needed to be in school I explained to her that because of his visual impairment that I couldn't just throw him into a school that I had to get together with a counselor and make up a plan which I had and showed her all the paperwork. So she closed out the case, which upset him. But anyway we still had to go to court for custody, and this court was held on an Indian Reservation so of course since I was Non-Indian my H won. I always remember leaving that courtroom, crying and he follows me out to the car, and says "I have everything now, the kids, the house, just come home now" and his family were standing around laughing like it was so funny. After that I began going out to the bars, drinking and talking to people. I'm not really a drinker, but it eased the pain a bit! Made me forget for awhile at least. Than I met someone, he treated me great! He did and gave me anything I wanted. He wasn't as financially stable as my H was he worked in the Restaurant business and his family were all involved with the wrong side of the law, whereas my H "was the LAW" it didn't matter to me though, he made me happy, so happy that I married him, but a part of me, was still unhappy, I missed my kids, and court appearance after court appearance got really frustrating, our next step would have been to try and get it taking out of the tribal court system and to supreme court but I just gave up. I started talking to my OH again, and was able to come and visit the kids, He talked about how things would change if I only came back, I did a couple of times throughout this but I just wasn't happy, I was happy with the kids but not him. My NH understood what I was going through and saw how unhappy I was without my kids. So he decided to let me go. I came back for good Jan 00, But I was pregnant, according to my DR. I conceived somewhere between the 13-16 of Jan. The only man I was with was my OH and not my NH but since my OH had a vasectomy (sp?) several years ago the DR. may be wrong <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> (Are you still with me?) I kept my pregnancy a secret until May or so. It was so hard, I was so scared. MY OH went and got some tests to check his sperm count in the meantime, things were great between us. I was still unhappy. So I got my own place on the Rez, wasn't the best place but at least I was able to be near the kids. He told me I didn't need to move but I couldn't be here anymore. I went back and forth for a couple of months between my OH's home, my sisters home, and mine. But mostly stayed At OH's home with the kids, I only had my other place for a month or so then moved back with the kids we both agreed that they needed me here with them so My OH moved out. and get this he moved in with his "friend" and her daughter, but said nothing was going on between them (yeah right) It really hurt I kept asking myself why did he beg and plead for me to come home talking about how much he loved me and missed me only to put me though it all over again, with him putting another notch on his belt! My pregnancy was a really rough one I couldn't do much of anything, because even vacuuming would bring on contractions. we stayed civil though, and he was back and forth between here and wherever! My daughter was pregnant at the same time as I so we wanted to be there for her. She finally gave birth to my beautiful granddaughter on September 10, 00. Meanwhile my OH was just back and forth. We still just remained friends. My due date was on Oct 17. So I was in really deep thoughts on whether to keep my baby or put him up for adoption, why would I bring an innocent child into this mess of a life of mine. I didn’t really talk to anyone anymore, not my family or friends I just stayed to myself, I spoke with my DR. and made a few calls. I thought my mind was made up. The day that my labor started the kids and I went with my OH to his grandmothers house for dinner, I didn’t seem to have much of an appetite though, then while I was clearing the table and doing the dishes I felt the contractions start again this time much stronger and harder so I knew this was the real thing. I told my OH that I thought my labor had started, and his response was just “OH” so the kids and I came home but I couldn’t sleep I told my daughter that my labor had started and she sat with me in the living room for awhile but I told her to go to bed and I would wake her when it was time to go to the hospital, so I sat in the living room by myself until it was time, then I woke her up about 4:00a.m. and she took me to the hospital I was 7 CM dilated and because I would be going through a C-section they had to transport me to another hospital 50 miles away, I was prepped at the hospital they wanted me to try and deliver my baby naturally since I was already completely dilated by then but, I refused since I was by myself they asked me if I wanted to see the baby before they carried him off but I didn’t want to so he was gone. I felt so bad, I felt as if they had ripped a part of my heart out along with my son, when they took him away., when I finally woke up a couple of hours in the recovery room, they told me that my family had been calling all morning to check on my, I thought they were talking about my daughter and my son I really didn’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to die! They finally moved me to my room And they told me that My husband and called to see how I was doing, and to check on the baby. I told them I didn’t want to talk to anyone and for them to say nothing. A little while later my OH and daughter showed up. They had gone downstairs so see my son in ICU where he was because they had to put him on a respirator because he had wet lungs He asked if I had seen him yet and I told him no bceause it would be too hard for me to see him only to have to let him go, we spoke for awhile , about things not us but how I shouldn’t put the baby up for adoption. After he left I finally got myself pulled together and went downstairs to se my son J, I couldn’t give him up not for all the gold in the world. So I told the hospital that I had changed my mind and soon the both of us came home together! ..My OH moved back home yet again. For awhile, but then said later that it was the wrong thing for him to do! BY NOW HO HUM!!! Anyway he soon found another this time it was his “friends” cousin so now his Unit would be parked outside at her house, on “Main street” where everyone saw it. So I just stayed home. Stayed away from even mil because she was always over there too. I was ready to go on this time I thought for real. But my daughter and I went to the State Fair and he met us over there with my son. It was nice pretending to be a family at the fair, when my daughter and I got home though all of his belongings were everywhere! He had moved back in while we were gone. Yet again with promises I thought this time he would keep, which he didn’t. this was September 01, after being seperated off and on for several months, it lasted only a few weeks, then he was gone again. I began dating another guy (T) we knew as a mutual friend (even longer story) we started to get very serious but not physically yet! My OH found out about him when my son told him that he came to visit us at my sisters house and brought me flowers..boy did OH flip out…when I talked to him he said that he felt as though he was going to be ill, cuz his chest hurt so bad. So back again he comes into our lives, I still wasn’t happy but as long as the kids were that’s all that mattered to me. I just went through the motions. In the meantime my mil and gil tried taking me to court to get me kicked off the rez, when I got served those papers I just left them on top of the computer desk in plain view of him, but he just ignored them. (by the way we were getting along at the time) when the week came for my hearing he wanted to go out of town and my daughter and I both told him that I had court. And all he said was oh yeah, so the day came, and I went and sat in the court room with my mil and gil, and before anything started, the judge asked me if I had anything to say and I told them that I would be voluntarily leaving in a couple of weeks. The judge looked over the papers and told them that he could not kick me off the Reservation because I had not done anything that would give him such cause to do so. And they began crying and saying how much they loved me, but that they felt (R) and I could no longer get along and live in peace and that we were just causing pain towards the family and our children, and I told them that the kids and I are doing just fine without him (R) then he comes back into our lives and disrupts us all over again. And gets us all used to being a family and having him back into our lives just to be gone again when another women pays extra attention to him. The judge told me that I needed to be stronger and not allow him to do this to me that I allow it that’s why he does it each and every time. After that I asked the judge if we were done and he said yes that I could leave. So I thank him for his time and left. Boy did that feel good, at least I had won one case in the tribal courts! So when I got home I began packing, My son decided to go with me, and R didn’t say he couldn’t so I began packing for him too. My mil called R and my son over (they live next door) and was crying away saying she loved me and didn’t want me to leave and was sorry for everything. (yeah right) she never came over and told me though because she knew that I would let her know exactly how I felt. So my sister and her h were coming for us I was moving with T, just until I found my own place. But the night before we were ready to leave, R found out who we were moving with and he started up with the crying and begging. So guess what? Right I stayed yet again. At least for awhile, Spent Thanksgiving here. Then found a place in town Dec. 2 01 At first my sons and I were going to be the only ones to move but my daughter decided to move with us, which was great my new place was a lot smaller, but we made it our home for awhile. The whole ttime R was still talking to the OW, my daughters bf saw them at the store together. So he lied again. So I started talking to T again on a regular basis. Spent New Years with him. My sons b-day is on the 19th of January so he wanted to invite his father over for his party. (keep in mind they had no contact with him since we moved Dec 2) so guess who came back into our lives? Yeah R! We didn’t move back though, we were happy where we were at. We just started talking again. He said again that last contact with OW was then but I don’t know. Anyway We lived there he lived here up until after my daughters graduation. We all moved back in July 02 and we’ve been here, things were great up until a month or so (honey moon phase) then all of a sudden the fighting and silent treatment started up again. I told him that I shouldn’t have moved back I should have just let the kids move back if they wanted to. So we take everyday just one step at a time. The past week and a half have been good. So we’ll see what happens next. Boy I’m so sorry for all the typos and the long story. If I’m posting wrong let me know. It just felt good to get that off my chest. I’ve never told anyone before.

Thanks