<BR>Just so we can all start on the same page with knowing one another's situations and status right now, I thought it's a good idea to have a thread to reference for such info. It helps to know who is "where" in all this.<P>I have been at MB since May 99. M H has been having affairs since 97 (that I know of!) I was Plan A'ing - without knowing it - since this all started and have continued.<P>A lot contributed to our situation....H's family background and example, life turmoils, lack of communication, resentments, change of job (H became a cop), falling in with a certain crowd.....<P>H met a female police officer (from another town) at the gym and began a "friendship" with her.....spent time and lent an ear, consumed his recreational activity time, etc.....although she kept saying to him that she didn't date married men!!!<P>Since she held back the sex, but encouraged him to flee the marriage...my H filled his sex need with other laydies - he was quite the gigolo!! (ironic that he was also cheating on her, eh?)<P>Anyway, this OW eventually gave H the "ultimatum" last June and he moved out....telling me that it was just for space, time to think, etc....two weeks later he filed for divorce!!! She did a real good job on him!!!<P>That's where we stand....divorce in progress, he's with her and even though there was admittance on his part before - he now denies that he is involved with anyone!! Benefit of the lawyers in my opinion.<P>He goes through phases of contact and friendship like behavior with me....From the onset, he said that he wants to grow old with me in 10,20 or 30 years,but needs to do this now - to be happy!!! He says that our relationship is going to be "so much better" after the divorce!!! I refer to him as the Whack-a-doodle and believe that he wants me in his life in some capacity and just hasn't figured out what capacity that is.....<P>I think he is just running from looking at his feelings, actions and reasoning for/of what he has done. He is still in the affair, so that is a major fog factor and therefore his brain has not allowed anything I am doing/feel/etc....to take hold and effect him.<P>I love my husband....probably always will. I have not had self-esteem issues, anger problems, etc......I don't believe in divorce and certainly do not want one!! I have strong beliefs in the vows I took as well as keeping true to my not matching his behavior just because he is choosing the easy way to deal with his life.<P>My ultimate hope would be for the affair to die.....and some progress be made with us. At least to a level of understanding, closure and growth that allows us both to continue life as better equiped to handle any future relationships and to have at least learned and improved some things about ourselves....at least it wouldn't be all for nothing!!!<P>I try to be positive....sometimes I fail, but usually bounce back pretty good!!!<P>That's the overall story.....so far!!!!<P>BIG HUGS and let's hear yours,<P>Sheba<BR>

My profile disappeared a couple weeks ago & even with Tempest's help I cannot get one to appear...<P>H's affair with co-worker turned physical 4/98. He moved out the first time 8/98. Has moved in and out 7 times. Has broken off & resumed affair 3-4 times. His last attempt to contact her was 2/00. He's now out of the house since Jan 7. I served divorce papers 3/00. He now wants to make the marriage work. My lovebank & trust vaults are empty, echoing holes in the ground and I don't believe I can try again. We've known each other 20 years, half our lives. 2 daughters 12 & 14.

Sheba,<P>I think this will be the longest thread in MB history!<P>My story:<P>My H and I have been married for 10 1/2 years. His 1 and only affair (physical and emotional) began sometime last fall.I found out on Dec. 23rd and he moved in with her that day. <P>I was abused verbally and physically throughout our entire marriage and the verbal abuse continued after the separation. He gave me money until Feb.13 and then stopped. He also hasn't seen the kids since then.<P>He had been telling me that he filed for divorce in Feb. but I was never served. I filed to be able to get support and he was served Sunday. I, in return, was served Tuesday. Turns out, he filed at the same time I did. <P>And to top it all off, his grounds for filing were irreconsilable differences and cruel and inhuman treatment! I was cruel to him???!!! NOT!<P>So this is where we stand now. Our first hearing to decide temporary support is April 14th. <P>I have no contact at all with him. I will not call him and he does not call me or the kids. In his mind we have dropped off the face of the earth!<P>Mitzi

I have been married 28 years. I have been on MB since Dec. <BR>H was dealing with MLC , first he had an e-mail EA I discovered it last march and immediately we started consueling. I guess I was in plan A from discovery (didn't know it at the time either) until Nov of last year when I came home (the day after layoff for H)and he was gone. Left a note. <BR>didn't know his wherabouts for almost 3 weeks.<BR>Finally when he did start contacting me, discovered he had left to meet email ow, he had started the relationship again without my knowledge.<BR>That did It I was so furious I filed for the Divorce. <BR>Now they are no longer together (so he says) but he is living out of state has a new job and only calls to talk to son, (that just started on a reg. basis. (I too think it was suggested by his attorney). I know all that he has done can be undone and started again. H has not even tried. Or says he has hurt to many people to be forgiven.<BR>Working on coming to a settlement agreement.<BR>I feel I've done everything I can think of to salvage this marriage.<BR>H says he does miss us, but can't ask us to be with him. I don't understand this. So I'm just trying to move on with my life. <P>

Here are a couple of my background threads:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000604.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000604.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000619.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000619.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000631.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000631.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000634.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000634.html</A> <P>That should be enough to keep you all busy all day!! <P>

I started lurking on MB in Sept. 99. I registered and started posting in Dec. 99. <P>My H and I have been married twice to each other. Once when we we both too young (16 & 18) and we had the marriage annulled. We got remarried 6 years later and have been married for 5 years. We were pretty much still together between marriages. <P>My H was not faithful during our first marriage, but I told myself that was because we were both so young. Everything seemed to be going ok since about 1992. Except, of course, the everyday stresses of life. He worked usually 50 hours a week and I went to college full-time. Plus, raising two children, ages 8 & 3. <P>I went to FL to help my mom out after she got sick. I took the kids and was gone for 4 days. Upon my return, I could tell something was wrong. My H was very distant. Two days later he tells me he wants a divorce and is moving out. Then, a couple of days after he left he tells me he is "in love" with a married woman 900 miles away. Apparently, they knew each other a very short period of time. Even the phone bills prove that (I have the phone bills from my house and her house). With my estimation they knew each other about a week and met over the phone. They talked the WHOLE time I was in FL.<P>In Sept. of 99 he leased an apartment and moved this woman down here with him. He lied to me the whole time saying they were no longer even friends. I caught them in Dec. 99 and he had me arrested for harassment! He is still currently saying there is nothing between them, but I think that is because of the legal problems it could cause.<P>Both my H and his ow left their kids to be together. Both are so selfish it is unbeliveble. I filed for divorce in Oct. 99 due to financial protection for my children and myself. My H FINALLY paid child support this month (March 00). Before then he paid basically nothing. Said he didn't feel he should have to pay for a house and bills there if he wasn't living there.<P>My divorce is suppose to be final next month. Of course, I miss him, but I think I will feel that way for sometime to come. Every day gets easier and easier and I find it harder to believe I can ever trust him again.

My H started acting strange in October, 1998. He came home one night extremely late, which was totally unlike him, and was angry that I was worried. I found him calling the OW on his cellphone in December, but he insisted that she was the wife of someone he worked with, and he had called her H. In February, one day we were planning to offer on a house, and the next morning he announced he wanted a divorce. He called from work the next evening to say he wasn't coming home. He introduced the kids to the OW (said she was a friend from work) in April, and immediately afterwards filed for divorce. <P>He used to be a caring, devoted father. He has called the kids about 3 times since he left. He has continually cut back on visitation, usually without telling them in advance. Now he is only seeing them much less than "standard" visitation. He has told them that if they disturb the OW too much, they can not visit him. <P>

ok here it goes:<P>Husband having an ea with secretary at work. He invited her to our house for dinner and we went out 2 times w/her and friends. He told me he was in love in Jan 98. He moved out 2weeks later. We went to marriage counseling for 7 months trying to figure out what to do. He lied the whole time he was doing this and pursuing a very sexual relationship with OW. We took family trips together and spent holiday's as a family. He gave me a yeast infection courtesy of his girlfriend. I finally filed for divorce Mar of 99. <P>He is still seeing her. Although my children 18 and 9 have not seen much of her. He keeps her private. He is slowly bringing her into the picture. He has started bring her to the raves he goes to with my 18 year old son. He has not cut his hair since seperation and is basically constantly trying to buck the system. We settled everything in mediation, and divorce papers should have been filed in Jan. I still have not seen final propery settlement. He is stalling for some reason.<P>Thats my tale!!! Oop forgot, Im 37 h is 38 ow 24. We were married 19 years! yuk!<p>[This message has been edited by Limerick (edited April 01, 2000).]

Ok, here goes.....<BR>Age 45, X is 47<BR>Married 18 yrs, have known each other since high school, two kids 16 and almost 14. Own a business together (me 51%, he 49%) still! We still are working together. It is hard.<P>Jan 98 I discovered he was having an internet affair with a 32 yr old with three very small children..Upon discovery, he moved out, we went to counseling, he "said " he wanted our marriage.. after 6 weeks, he moved back in. Still continued friendships online with other women, even after I told him it bothered me. But he said he had ended it with OW. I believed him. <P>April 99, his BD, I discovered it was going on again. Once again he said it was over, but her H called me and told me it had gone on all winter and was still going on. Asked him to go to counseling, but he refused. Lied to me the whole time about the affair. <BR> <BR>Moved out again in July....I filed in Nov.....we are now divorced, he is now physically involved with her, she has left her H and they are having a long distance relationship. <BR>I am dating now, met a great guy who I have known for a long time...taking it slow...don't know if I ever want to marry again, but love the companionship...!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

OK, my turn. By the way, I like this board. I know almost everyone here.<P>Married 14 1/2 years, including 1 1/2 year separation. Both age 40. Two children, son 7, daughter 1.<P>My husband started to act withdrawn, then hostile, one month after the birth of our second child (August '98). Started picking fights about everything possible. Would not talk to me about what was wrong (it was obvious) or look me in the eyes. Told me he didn't love me, that I was an awful and unloving person, that I was controlling, and he didn't want to be with me. Was staying out late and working every Saturday without letting me know in advance. Often came home with alcohol on his breath. During a brief vacation, told me he had scheduled time to meet with an attorney to start a divorce. I was shocked. Refused to go to counseling or talk to me about the nature of the problems.<P>After about a month of this treatment, I packed his bags and threw him out. I figured he'd be back in a few days after realizing what was at stake. Instead, he signed a six month lease for an apartment. I strongly suspected an OW but he denied it four separate times. I finally dug up enough evidence and he confessed, but not until we were separated three months. OW is a subordinate at work who is the polar opposite of both my husband and myself. 18 months later, no one in the family has met her.<P>Husband went from angry to depressed. Did nothing further on divorce. Stopped contact with children. Dropped friends and family. Went to Plan B in January '99. I found MB Forum in Dec. '98 and started to make a plan for myself.<P>During Plan B, husband gained 50 pounds and never saw our baby a single time. Contact with son was limited, at one point he went a month with no interaction. I went back to Plan A after five months because I couldn't deal with his lack of interaction with the kids. I felt responsible.<P>Husband was ecstatic when I left Plan B. We get along great, have fun together, and enjoy family time. He does not seemed depressed. We see each other several times a week, have dinner together about twice per week, and do a number of things on weekends as a family. But he will not, under any circumstances, talk about the future, his affair (it's still going on), what he does with his free time, what he wants to do next, what he feels towards me, what the problems he has with me are, or why he's doing this. If I bring up anything, he leaves. I have had recent success by writing letters to him. He reads them and I can see him making changes as a result, but he doesn't tell me anything.<P>I sent him a letter in February that told him directly that this situation was his responsibility and he was being irresponsible and cruel by not making a decision. I said that if he forced me to file for divorce, I would forever consider him "dishonorable and cowardly" for ending the marriage this way. Shortly after I sent the letter, he sent me a letter (the first time) saying he had filed for divorce.<P>Divorce papers arrived in the mail. I told him that I would not sign the waiver of service until we had a face-to-face discussion about the problems he has with me in the marriage, why he thinks divorce is the only way to solve them, and what other alternatives exist to this approach. I have twice scheduled this discussion and he ducked it both times. I told him that I was now waiting for HIM to schedule the talk and was not doing anything about the divorce until we talked live. He said "that's fine", and of course hasn't scheduled any time. I recently sent another letter that expressed my concerns about failing to address the problems of the marriage and then taking them into future relationships and forever locking in our pain about this one. It seems to have affected him and he left a message on my answering machine saying that I made good points and he would get back to me on it soon, with an "I promise" at the end. We'll see. Soon to him could mean six months or longer.<P>The really good news is that my husband is once again an active and involved parent. He coaches soccer and baseball and has found the time to attend games and school events, which he didn't do AT ALL a year ago. He is slowly building a relationship with our toddler, although it has a long way to go. He is also respectful, helpful and considerate with me (as long as I don't bring up the banned topics).<P>So, I'm really still in limbo. I don't know whether to say we're in the process of divorcing or not. There is a good chance my husband will never schedule a talk with me. He hasn't wanted to talk a single time during the entire separation. I am mentally committed to more aggressively building my single-life, but I'm having a hard time getting started on doing it. I don't really know why, but I just can't let go of this. I do feel like an idiot about it and no longer talk to my friends and family about what I'm doing, since none of them agree with me (including my husband's parents and brothers). Thank God for cyber-friends or I'd really be alone.<P>Hope this wasn't too long.

I'm a lurker that doesn't have time to post much but this new forum is definitely where I belong!<P>I am divorced, final Feb. 27th. I had been with my husband 14 years, married for almost 9. We have two small children ages 6 and 5. <P>One year ago my XH started acting strangely and when I confronted him I found out he was miserable in our marriage. He pretended to "try", said there was no one else involved. Basically he was trying not to be the bad guy. Soon he moved out, needed space, and suddenly OW (a friend/coworker) is in the picture. At one point he came back and said he wanted to work on the marriage, but a week later he ran off to OW. They now live together, work together and except for the children I have no contact with him.<P>I still don't understand how someone can throw away 14 years. I have sole custody of the children, so he only sees them once a week and every other weekend. So far that seems to be enough for him, he never even asks me about them.<P>I am the one that filed for divorce. My XH basically said he needed 1 to 2 years to "date" and have his freedom. I certainly didn't trust him, so I decided to protect myself and the children. Fortunately we are financially okay and can stay in our home.<P>I just went on my first date last weekend! It was so hard! I don't think I'm ready for anything serious, but I thought it would be nice to get out and socialize. I really do miss my old life, but I am trying my best to adjust to this new lifestyle.<P>Gwen<p>[This message has been edited by gwen (edited March 30, 2000).]

Married 8 years, together 13 years. Affair with coworker started in Dec 98. I discovered almost immediately (he acted really strange). He said all the usual things, and moved out in Jan 1999. I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child. Children are now 5 1/2 and 1 year. <P>I hung on for a year. Did marriagebuilders plan A, divorcebusting, etc. He waffled back and forth. He lied throughout the whole year about the extent of his involvement with the OW. We were in counseling for awhile, but he never was willing to try to work things out. <P>The final straw for me was this last Christmas. I took the kids back east where both our families live. I wanted him to come with us. He instead went on a ski trip with the OW. This was after he had been insisting for 6 months that he wasn't seeing her. I came back from Christmas ready to pursue the divorce and move on with my life.<P>Things at the moment are very, very tense. We are in mediation regarding the parenting time issues. Our court date is for the week of 4/24. I hope we will settle things before going to court, but he refuses to discuss anything with me. All negotiation must go through his lawyer, and she seems determined to end up in court (after all, that's how they make the $$$, isn't it?) <P>I started dating someone, but I'm keeping it non-serious until after the divorce is final. The companionship is nice, but I'm not ready for anything more.

Thank you for posting this topic Sheba<P>Married 23 years. 4 children 13-19. H has been having affair since Oct 97 , but I had been communicating for 8 months prior to discovery (Jan 99) to try to find exactly "what was broken" plan A ing and getting lots of unrealistic reasons, uncaring and emotionally abusive behaviour. <BR> <BR>A lot contributed to our situation....H's resentment that I was financially independent,my working (I was a SAHM until youngest at school full day and H resenting that I was becoming a respected and valued member of my workplace and was not only H's wife and children's mother!) his low-self esteem, older sons preparing to go away to school, he had achieved success in the community and could not deal with this, his parents deaths in their late 50s,early 60s...he felt that he was going to die and had better fit everything in.(MAJOR MLC and FANTASY about many things)<P>After d-day, roller coaster ride...lots more lies and unrealistic expectations and new very different values for family. (the respectability of marriage with everything else on the side..ow, travel all the time, dinner out every night!..sounds good...but 2 teens with educational issues still at home!)<P>Separated in March 99 Saw 2 marriage counsellors all the while treating me in a very uncaring, inconsiderate manner, lying about OW being out of his life, but that there were plenty more where she came from etc etc., lying to the kids where he was (when he was with ow ..travelled every other weekend we knew not where to), telling kids I was insane all the while telling all he wanted reconcilation all the while setting higher and higher hurdles for me to jump to try to save the marriage.<P>I Filed in July 99 as I could not take any more emotionally (all 4 kids a mess and younger 2 started therapy..still ongoing) I lost 35 pounds to weigh 105 (still there) and am 5'6".<P>Plan B still in effect. No further contact except when I called him 3x re kids. <BR>Does call kids on their phone line,(but also accused me of erasing his messages to them!!!<BR> and I had to get the kids to change the password to one that was a secret from me. They refused to do this until I told them why and they though he was nuts as they know this was not true) Has not taken any responsibility for any of this mess and tells all that the kids are fine! <P>H is fighting at every turn...had to be taken to court 2X for interim support and to pay a share of kids educational bill! Thinks he is entitled to what is his and what is mine! Divorce will take years as his fantasy is also gounded in financial issues and a VERY unrealistic sense of entitlement.<P>Is uncle dad, calls a lot but takes kids one on one as he convinced the courts they fight! Has visitation once a week for dinner with each of the 2 younger kids and every other weekend when he is supposed to take them separately one of his weekends, and both on the other. Has never taken them together.Has not been involved in their lives realistically. No contact with schools, therapists, does not take kids to any appointments, they cannot see friends when they are with him as it is "his time."<P>H has played the kids, justifying his behaviour in all aspects of this mess and this has made the kids crazier. OW now openly lives with him. Her child (unmarried mother at 16 whose father has custody of her 12 year old)visits her same weekend as my kids.<P>Accusations still continue re what I need to do with threats if I do not. Latest is even more bizarre than some of the others:<BR>As of Jan 1, 2000 I get child support (interim until this mess is sorted out) and I am responsible for the household utility bills, but they are directly debited form his chequing account. My lawyer has written to his lawyer 3X to get him to change this and change the billing name to mine. He has not done this told me if I do not make the changes, he will take the money out of child support. I called all the companies in Jan and I cannot legally make the changes!!!! My lawyer explained this in detail to him in a letter today!!!<P>Yes this is unfortunately WW3. His aim was to have it all and remain friends with me, but with friends like this, who needs enemies.<P>Actually this is a pathetic situation ...a man who had everything and now has nothing but his self adoration and the adoration (sic) of a now 28 year old who is in the realtionship with her "sugar daddy" and they can "eat out every night and travel every other weekend".<P>

I feel like an idiot posting this - my story is sort of simple in comparison...<P>Married to H for almost 6 years. He has daughter from prev. marriage about to go to college.<P>Marriage has had rocky points mostly due to his less than honest business dealings. The lack of trust led me to have less sexual feelings for him.<P>He has never slept much but in Nov./Dec., he was staying up much longer and hiding the screen if I came up to see what he was typing. Seems he had an online relationship with someone for a few months. I read them and he was the initiator. She was also married. She lives across the country from us. They have similar interests/hobbies - I was also very supportive of them. I knew of the woman but he claimed they were just friends. I suspected more.<P>I was unhappy in my job and he told me to leave it in Feb. I did so. The day I left, he left for a trip. I discovered the next day that he was not where he said he was. He called then to tell me he was going to move there to be with her and she was leaving her husband. He said he would continue to pay things so that I would not have to return to work immed. but I cannot trust that, now.<P>He has since moved there but intends to return here 2x month for his visitation with his daughter. She is wholly against this relationship but feels she has no impact on his choices. She supports me in this but also doesn't want to cut off her father.<P>I am a wreck. I never expected this and I begged him to give our marriage a chance - to go to therapy and work out whatever problems we had. He declared (in almost identical language that he used when we met) that she is the love of his life, etc. He *is* the love of my life - I waited till I was 30 before I married because I was only going to do it the one time. I believe wholly in my vows.<P>I am still very distraught and in disbelief but trying hard to work the details out between us as amicably as possible. I want, more than anything, for him to come back and try to work things out. I believe he is running away from our problems and, perhaps, having a mid-life crisis and calling it love.<P>See? My story is so simple compared to the horror stories I read...but I still cannot believe the pain....how to survive this pain?

Joined on Nov.8 99<P>I'm 31 W 31 LRB 17 ouch!!<P>plan A'd until Feb13, stayed in plan-B for 3 weeks until W LB'd to the point I couldn't take it anymore and <B>ALL</B> respect for her vanished so I threw in the towel. Filed property settlement now we wait til Oct8 to divorce all that is left are details. I am looking forward to the future.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I'm 44, x will be 42 next week. We have two children, 12yo d and 9 yo son. We were married 16 yr in Oct 99. <P>OM is 47-48,married, at least as far as I know, with 3 older children. <P>In May 99, I went on 2 day business trip. Two days before, x went out after work(she works straight afternoon shifts) with "the girls". The day I was leaving, x went shopping all day with a new "girl" from work. She came home late, and avoided me, I told her I was jealous she was doing all these things with friends. She said she was allowed to ahve friends.<P>I got home on Fri. We went to bed early that night, when phone rang and x immediately answered it. I could hear a male voice. She said it was someone from work about a problem patient. I was suspicous as I did not know of any men she worked with.<P>Om Sat. x went to bed early and I stayed up watching TV. Phone rang once and when I picked it up, x was talking to om and making a date.<P>I confronted her that night, her parents were in the spare bedroom. She said that om was who she had gone out with after work and spent the day "shopping." The shopping trip was the day affair turned physical. I am not sure how long EA went on. Had to be 2-3 months.<P>I said immediately I wanted the kids and she never said no. We decided to try counseling at the request of her parents. She said she and om had decided to give their marriages 3 months to improve.<P>I arranged a counseling session thru my EAP and it turned out to be a Christian counselor. On the same day x went to see our assistant pastor, a woman, who told my x it might take 1-5 yrs to rebuild marriage. We went to counselor that same day.<P>I decided that if i wanted to save the marriage I wou;d have to be able to share my emotions/feelings something I had not done in our marriage.<P>After counseling session, x came out angry. She said she knew all this stuff and why didn't I, plus she didn't want to wait 5 yrs for things to get better.<P>The following week, I was beside myself, I asked her why if she ws so unhappy hadn't she filed for divorce. She said she had an appointment the next week and that she had canceled the next counseling session.<P>X then decide she wanted to be alone to think. I said ok but to not take om. She said ok. She returned early the next day and said she wanted to work on the marriage. She said om was supposed to met her and he didn't show and she took this as a sign from God to stay in the marriage.<P>We started counseling with another Christian counselor. Each time x came out angry. I waas concerned because she worked with om. She said it was strictly professional. We started dating again. And the one night I had a great time and though x did too.<BR>She had a hangover the next two days and avoided me. She didn't go to church on Sun and stayed in bed. WHen we got back from church she was up and dressed. I checked her phone and found she had called om.<P>The next day, I got a hang up phone call. Then right before she went to work, our son answered, and x startedd yelling she had it and for him to hang up. I overheard her talking to om.<BR>At counseling the next day x said she had terrible time and couldn't look me in the eye while we were shopping for things we could do to improve our home. When I asked her about the great sex, she said she could have sex with anyone after a few drinks.<P>After work that night I asked her about relationship with om. She said it was strictly professional. I then asked why he was calling here again. She made up and lie. I then asked why she was still calling him. She said she loved him and wanted to know what if, that he was a soulmate.<P>I told her she couldn't live here and date. She agreed that she would find a place of her own as soon as possible.<P>I had found MB in June 99 and had been plan Aing to no avail. The only time we seemed to get anything out in the open was when we fought.<P>I then decided to go to plan B when she was moving out.<P>She told me on July 1st that om was also leaving his wife and thast they were getting together on the 2nd to discuss their future.<P>We decided to tell our kids later that afternoon together. When I got home early that afternoon, x wasn't there and kids were alone. I went to motel where I ahd learned they had planned to meet another time and found her car there. I knocked on the door and asked why she wasn't home with the kids(she brought om lunch!)/ She said she she already told the kids. I went home and she had lied to the kids. I told them the truth and when she got home, she was angry and packed and left to stay at cheap motel with om.<P>That night om's w reportedly attemped suicide, so he went back to her for 2 weeks. X moved into suite's hotel with om picking up the tab.<P>X found apartment in mid july and om moved in within 2 weeks.<BR>On first day of school, x brought up us going to counseling again. I asked how we would do counseling when she ws living with someone else. She dropped the subject later blaming me for saying no.<P>In Sept. x found that om ws cheating on her with his wife. She came to me and asked if I would take her back. I said yes. She went to work and of course saw om. Within 5 hrs she was backtracking on what she had said about coming home. <P>She then started divorce papers in Sept. IN mid Oct, she and om where to go on cruise his mother had bought him and his wife, but the night before he dumped my x because he his w gave him an ultimatum. So om moved back home. X was devastated.<P>I didn't have any trust in x and she never asked to come home so she stayed in apartment.<P> We started dating again and went to counseling for the third time. X was pretty quiet but on the third and which turned out to be the last visit, she said she wsn't willing to work any longer trying to draw things out of me.<P>She had been calling me everyday in the morning, but on my birthday in Nov. she didn't call so I called her. She started yelling at me, saying I was checking up on her, etc. I asked if she was involved with om again and she said yes. Less than a week later the om moved back in.<P>AT that point I said I was through. I went to my lawyer two day later and restarted the divorce papers. The papers were filed on Dec 1, 1999. The divorce hearing was Feb 1, 2000.<P>X and om are still living in town in the apartment, but have bought a house(om's mother lent my x the downpayment).<P>x is paying me child support and there is no alimony paid.<P>She only asked for minimal visitation and that is about all she is seeing them.<P>She is still in LALA land and has no clue what to do with the children. She does almost nothing with children without om being there two.<P>OM was diagnosed as being bipolar and I think my x is catching it from him.<P>Thats my long and winding story that led me to this site!<BR><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

I need to change my name to Busted Hopes. I am new at posting, but have been reading since last summer. I am 44, H is 47 and suffers from depression. I first found out about husband's interest in Feb 99. I Plan A'd and thought things were solved and he could resist his temptations. June 99 I discovered he had in fact begun an affair with the co-worker he had feelings for. Now he said he loved me and her. I immediately resigned my teaching job, moved 7 hours away and he followed days later. Within two weeks he convinced me that he wanted to be with me more than anything and he wanted to be the man he used to be. (Which was a hard-working, honest, decent guy). We have had what I thought were 9 great months of recovery, rebuilding at new jobs and starting over in our empty nest state. I had a hysterectomy last week and am now recovering from this major surgery at home and was playing on the computer history files and discovered he had a secret e-mail account and was in fact continuing contact with OW. Not only that, but he has been having e-mails from 4-5 women he has met on the chat lines. This is so unlike my husband of 25 years. He used to be a high school principal, youth Sunday School teacher, deacon, leader of the community. When confronted, he finally admitted he loves me and wants to spend the rest of our lives together, but he still "loves" her and can't stop contact.

sorry, I forgot I already put my story here. It will take me time to get used to this.<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful now (edited April 01, 2000).]

Everyone here has so much more history than me and my wife! Well, here it goes.<BR>We have been married for two and a half years. We were high school sweethearts.<BR>Shortly after we got married I went to basic training ( I had enlisted before we got married, so it was no surprise to my wife).<BR>When I came home on leave after infantry training my wife was very cold and unsupportive of me. I sought support from another woman. I did not sleep with her, but I could have. ( I hid this from my wife.)<BR>I went to Germany shortly after and I had a hard time getting her here. Eventually the system worked and after four more months of being apart we were together again. We were together for about a week when I had to go the field. The day I got back was when our son was conceived! Two weeks after that I got deployed to Bosnia. When I got home my wifes belly was huge! <BR>It was so cute! We were still fighting and she was cold towards me but happy times were there. She wanted me out of the army, but the army isn't just a job you walk away from. After she had our beautiful son we started to fight very often. She didn't appear to want to be with me. I became extremely withdrawn and depressed. She would always talk about this one friend of mine and how much more fun he was than me and how cool he was. I told her if she liked him that much to sleep with him. She did. I knew the next day and I asked her about it. She admitted to it and then started crying. I told her that I almost sleep with another woman once, I was trying to make her feel better but she blew up on me. Suddenly it didn't matter that she had just slept with another guy. I was the bad guy. She went home a couple weeks later and I told her not to come back. She did anyway. I asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. She said no. She made fun of me constantly and started a fight whenever she could. I would watch our son for her while she went to the bars. She always came home later than I asked her, way past two in the morning.<BR>She continues to talk to the guy even though I ask her not to. Finally, she told me she wanted to leave. I begged her not to go but she had her mind made up. I support her decision as best I can but a couple of weekend ago she finally pushed me over the edge. She went out and got drunk and woke up in another mans bed. She didn't do anything with him but my trust is gone completely. She still goes out even though I ask her not to. Depression is coming back again.

Thanks Jim, for putting this in the notable posts thread... I think it needs to come right on back to the forum for more input.<P>My Story:<P>I was married on April 26, 1980, to the most beautiful man I had ever seen. We had met on a blind date six weeks earlier, and we eloped. Nope, wasn't pregnant, just in love. <P>Life was hard, as imagined since we didn't know each other, but got progressively better for about six years. Year seven (ah, the seven year itch) was the year my H decided to put his toes in the waters outside home. He met several woman through the school in which he worked, and began two simultaneous EA's with some Clintonesque sex. He never considered them affairs because he didn't have intercourse. I found out, he denied, and the story is like so many others really... bottom line was that I won him back, we moved 100 miles away from all the women (in the end there were those two plus several other daliances - cards, letters, gifts, no touching).<P>Those were very hard years, but I'm strong, and we rebuilt our marriage. <P>During the several months prior to my 40th birthday, I began to change, and not just a little. I was disatisfied and lonely. We'd always worked opposite shifts and we rarely saw eachother, plus we had three teenagers, one of whom is special needs, and he was never around to help. I offer this not as an excuse, please understand, but as a place where my mind was when I embarked on an EA with a co-worker. It lasted 3 months, with one hop in the sack, which I immediately regretted and fessed up to. He was devistated, of course. I still worked with the man throughout the months, and that made things much more difficult, of course. It was over, but of course there was contact, and I went through withdrawl like most others who betray... it was hell. <P>Three months into withdrawl I found this place, and became as addicted to it as I had to the OM. I read everything, tried everything (though not very successfully) and tried to fight a good fight. However, my H could not go forward, and bless his heart, I think in his way he really tried. He was never a good communicator, and it turned out it was my top emotional need. Sex was his, and it was high on my list too, so we tried to have lots of sex to 'fix' things. Didn't work. He moved out seven weeks after D day, to punish me, and I begged him back. That happened two other times in the course of the following eight months. <P>In November 1999 he began attending a 'feel good' church, and he met two women who he felt a connection with. One of them fell in love with him, and became his newest OW. They slept together four days before the last time he moved in, and he didn't tell me until after he had noplace else to go - or believe me, he never would have come home. Since he *was* home, we tried again to rebuild. My OM wasn't a concern anymore, now his OW was... what a mess.<P>Today, she is still in the picture, and she is quite a pushy woman, and hey, I can hardly blame her - he's still gorgeous (although he's looking pretty bad since he's lost about 40 pounds, but David looking bad is better than most men who look good <sigh> ) and he makes beautiful love... she's hooked. <P>I filed for divorce because I really don't see any other way for this to work. We are at a stalemate, and I know it's not a good reason to file, but there you have it.<P>For the record, my affair was not revenge on his earlier affairs, but a cry for help, and a piss-poor one at that. He says his latest wasn't revenge either, and honestly I don't know if it was or wasn't, and it doesn't really matter at this point.<P>If all goes smoothly, I will be divorced in November, 2000.