My wife and i have been married for 5yrs. We have a four year old daughter together. Two months ago I recieved a phone call from a stranger. He told me that my wife was having an affair. He told me that his wife was freinds with my wife. I asked him why he had called me. He stated that his wife admitted to him that she had also had an affair with this person. To make this story shorter, I confronted my wife about this call.

My wife came clean and stated that the story this stranger had told me was true. I could not believe it. I felt terrible for several days. She stated to me that she did not want to be with this person and that her marriage to me was very importan to her. She stated that she wanted to make it work.

A couple of Months passed and i was trying really hard to forgive her. Things were alright, but the hurt was still their. We both seemed to try and put it behind us. Then out of the blue she calls me on the phone from her parents crying. I asked what was wrong. I still can not believe the response. She told me that she was pregnant and the baby was not mine. She had went back to this person. Why?

She was one month pregnant. I know the child is not mine because we did have sex that month. What do i do? She has stated again that she does not want to be with this person. How the H am i supposed to believe that. Deep down I really want my marriage to work. She tells me that she does not want a Divorce. I don't want a Divorce either. And my Daughter, I don't want her to go through that. We have talked about Adoption and she seems opened minded about it. I asked her to talk with this man to see if he would sign the rights over. He told her that he would not. I see this has a plea to brake my marriage up so he can be with my wife. Is that Crazy? Doesn't this person understand that we have a family? How can I fix my marriage? I am desperate for any advice and I thank you for your time.

BaSSrS,
I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. But, you have come to the right place. What you are going through now is the worst you are going to feel so now there is nowhere to go but up. You'll find a lot of advice, support and comfort here.

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. And affair is bad enough, but to include an OC into the mix "squares" the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

The stages you will experience over the next year will be confusing because you will go from profound grief to outrage to denial and back again. The stages will shift around and until you get through the grieving part of it and settle into a kind of acceptance where you will be able to think more clearly and finally make some decisions.

The first thing you need to do is begin by reading everything you can on this site, starting with The General Welcome for New Builders Lots of VERY useful information and links there to help you understand this site and the advice you will receive on the forums. Learn the Harley very effective principles and methods for marital and personal recovery. If your spouse is sincere and determined to make this marriage work, then he/she should begin reading all the material available to rebuild the marriage. Whether or not your spouse embraces this program of recovery, it is important for you to do so just for your own personal recovery from such a devastating blow such as this.

If you decide the marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild, then learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire that you and your spouse should fill out and then discuss together. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work). Phone counseling is available on this site with the Harleys.

The Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection along with the Policy for Joint Agreement will help your marriage recovery.

While you are in so much turmoil, you should not make any drastic decisions about anything. Let everything settle down for a while and after you feel you have calmed down enough to think clearly, you can consider some decisions. There should be NO CONTACT with the OM (other man).

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the Betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be in agonizing over all this, but you will get through this even if you decide to stay in the marriage as long as your spouse works the recovery. This is a time for you and your spouse to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other and to find out where your hearts are truly telling you to go.


Check out the list of suggested books that are very helpful to read right after D-Day. Many are available on this site or at your local library.
It is heartbreaking to know that so many women and men share this problem, but at the same time, it gives you hope that recovery is possible. You will learn to laugh again, love with your whole heart again, and trust again. But, it will take time and effort . If your spouse is committed to making the marriage the safe place for you both that it once was, then you can move forward.

There are wonderful and caring people on this site. Keep posting and draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it, and those that are travelling that same road with you. Just know you are not alone and that recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. It will get better.

BaSSrS,

Welcome to MB. So sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. As nerly said, get acquainted with the site concepts. Click on the link in my sig line to get started. Also get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. I will come back and post a link for you to some more information on your situation.

BTW, we do have some men that occasionally post on this site that are raising their W's OC (other child). It is possible.

Hi BaSSrS~

First of all, please listen to Nerly and FF and read all of the articles & book they suggested. I know you feel overwhelmed right now, and taking the time to breath, let alone sit down to read might seem silly, but trust me the things you will read will help you to get your footing, gain some insight and help you decide where you want to go in terms of your M, and how to go about it.

Secondly, I wanted to touch on this a bit:

Get in touch w/ an attorney asap, or at the very least begin w/ googling paternity laws for your state. In almost every state, the OM/bio-father has no RIGHTS to the child, thus you don't have to seek his permission for anything. In the eyes of the law YOU are this child's father because you were M to the mother at the time of conception. If the OM wants to try and gain any rights to this child, he can do so on his own accord, (going through the courts), but you are under no obligation to give him even one little inch, unless you and W decide together that you want to. I believe if you check w/ an attorney, you'll find you and your W have sole responsibility as to the decision making regarding the child.

Do not have any further C with the OM, and insist your W has no further C as well. There are sample NC, (no contact) letters on this site that are very effective and the best way for your WW to end all C with the OM. This is a must, and the first step IF you want your M to have a chance at recovery.

IF you feel YOU want/need to have C with him due the child issues, I'd set up a separate email account for that, or better still... have C go through a 3rd party such as your attorney.

If you and your W want to remain M and recover you have a long road ahead of you. It won't be pretty and sure the heck won't be easy. Lots of work for both of you, but it can and has been done, EVEN in the situations where there's an OC involved.

I believe you'll be best served if you start with these steps:

***Have W end C w/ OM including ALL talk about the child via NC letter found on this site.

***Read up on all the aforementioned resources.

***Look into paternity laws for your state & talk to an attorney.

B, Autumn Day is a wonderful example of recovery. Please read her post carefully.

I commend you on your willingness to raise this child as your own. There is indeed a long road ahead, and while it may sound a bit harsh, I cannot backup Autumn Days recommendations to have no contact with the other guy with greater emphasis. Do not let your wife talk to him alone, on the phone, email, etc. at all. Have all communication go thru a lawyer and documented.

OTP

i agree with the recommendations above, i think the best way to deal with this is through a lawyer.

and also

read, read, and read. There are lots of stories and articles here from people who are and in the same sitch. Feel free to post your thoughts and questions and we will be glad to help.

The OM sounds like a dangerous guy if he cannot understand that your offer to adopt the STBOC is your way of rebuilding your M together with your WW.

Have you considered moving your family far away from this fellow?

Please start looking at the post dates, passionpeach. This poster has not been back since March.

I know it has been a few months, sorry. Its taken this long just to get back on my feet. Things are starting to look up. My wife and I have been seperated through the entire pregnancy. She has been staying with her parents along with my daughter. I have read the book "surviving an affair", thanks for the advice faithful follower. We plan on getting back together after the baby is born, which is the end of next month. I made the decision to FORGIVE. I also made the decision to raise this child as my own. But, we are still having problems with OM. He is still trying his hardest to break my marriage up. I WISH there was some sort of law. He has made the comment to freinds of my wife that He will not let me have anything to do with this child. I don't understand-Did he think that he was going to raise my 5year old daughter if my wife left me. My wife and i have made the decision to let this man see his child. Anyways, we have an appointment to talk with an attorney and hopefully we can get some answers. I just wanted to say thank you for your encouragement and advice. I won't wait so long before posting again.

BaSSrS,

Ben there, done that, have the t-shirt, sweats, and baseball cap.

First of all, the OM has NO legal claims on your wife or the baby. If your name is on the papers, you are considered the father. Just ignore him. Better yet, if you can, move away.

I did the same. I love that daughter as much as our other two children. She is now 37 and a mother of 5 herself, and I am a proud grandpa.

Hang in there. The important thing is for your wife and you to build a solid marriage that noone else can break down.

BaSSrS,

are you SURE you want OM in your child's (yes YOUR child legally at this point) life? pops on here and another friend from another board both have done this much to the detriment of the full recovery of their marriages. Both kids do not like going off to visitation with OM. Both consider these men their daddy and do not understand why they have to leave their happy family unit to visit this stranger, this "other" daddy. I beg you to reconsider giving OM rights. Make him fight. Make him take on the legal system and only if he really sticks it out and proves he wants more than just your FWW would I consider visitation.

God bless you!

I vote for no contact. Stop all contact now with OM. Make him take you to court to require DNA testing on your wife's child. Your wife's child is legally yours when born during your M. Why are you not trying to get back together before the OC is born?

FTS

I don't understand the no contact? I'm really trying hard to forgive and put things in the past-I would like to move on and be happy. The question about the seperation-my wife and I have used the seperation has sort of a tool, to help rebuild. I believe that it has helped more then hurt us. Back to the no contact, Wouldn't it be better just to face the facts head on, instead of denying it. The OM has already made threats (COURT ORDER) to have the DNA test done. I know legally the OC is mine, but again, he can change that by going through the court. Court actions takes alot of money. Why Fight the inevidable? I would rather spend the money on my family then fighting over this matter. Maybe im wrong. Your making great points, i just don't know if I understand.

In most states the OM cannot force a court ordered DNA test if you were married at teh time of birth and conception. You need to see a lawyer NOW. It would be best for your marriage, your family, and even your other children to have OM out of your lives. He can threaten you, but his threats only have weight because you are ignorant of your rights and too lazy to go find out.

Sound harsh?? It is harsh and blunt. If you want to protect your family find out your rights, and get a lawyer. You can decide to do things differently later, but for now, YOU need to protect your family. It is in fragil condition and probably will NOT withstand the presence of OM in it.

SEE A LAWYER.

JL

NC is to protect your M and COM. This can include the child currently due. This OM will disrupt your lives for the rest of your lives. Think really bad ex with interest only in himself, child pulled back and forth between separate homes with different values, fights over the holidays, what scholl, who gets to cut hair or allow body piercing, when do kids get to drink with parents, etc......

If OM is allowed/or able to prove paternity and get into child's life, you have no control over the envirnoment the child is exposed to or values they bring home from OM's house. Blood is not more important than environment. There is no benefit to this child for knowing the blood truth or about the adultry if you are willing to raise this child born in your M as your child. Keep the OM out of your lives if you can and preserve the sanity of your lives.

Best wishes

FTS

Do you really want your wife and child to have contact with that predator for life? Honestly for the sake of your marriage and your children, please do as we recommend. We have members with experience with this. It is best for all to go NC. IF, that is a big IF OM decides to try to legally gain visitation then perhaps he has more than a roll in the hay with your WW in mind. Please do consult with an attorney post haste.

Talked with the attorney. Answered alot of questions. My wife and i have made the decision to not let the OM have contact. We learned that the only two people who contest paternity test in our state are Husband and Wife. He did say however, that the OM has a slight window to file a paternity test if he hires an attorney, and the attorney finds some sort of loop in the system. Another thing, The attorney said that the OM would have a extremely hard time finding an attorney who would take this case on based on our marriage, and him trying to brake our marriage up.

WOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOO!

I'm so happy you spoke to a lawyer and that you and your dw have decided to be a united front!!

Congrats!

I think this is a decision you will never regret!!!

The attorney is absolutely correct too-- works the same in my state.

I wouldn't even talk to om. No reason to tell him your decision or anything. He can figure it out himself if he's so inclined.

Wishing you, your wife, and family every happiness........

Awesome, truly awesome. God bless you and work the MB program together. Get the DVD's and start working.

Yeah!!!!!!

Great job. Now the two of you can focus on you, your M, and your children. Go dark and complete no contact with OM. Work on your M. Best of Luck


Fled

Wow............fixing lies with other lies........Hmmmmmm? I guess. I dont understand, but Oh well. God Bless and good luck.

BaSSrS,

What you have done is great. Don't look to people who have not tread in your shoes, nor been unsuccessful in recovering their M for their sarcastic comments. There are many different opinions here and points of view. Those of us that have been discussing this with you are all living this nightmare. If science did not exist as it does, my FWH OC would have OW's H's name and be his child. Science has changed the way we deal with this. And most of it is because of money. Not what is best for the people involved. Your focus right now is the recovery of your M. Other decisions can be made down the road if you ever feel the need.

Best Wishes

Fled

SO~

Who said anything about lying? If you're talking about the child possibly being clueless about his/her origins, well then-- just as adoptive parents usually tell their child (s)he was adopted, BASS and his W may very well do the same with their child.

There's no lying going on here SO... try again.

StartinOver-I've recieved many opinions and advice about my stiuation. Everyone replying to my post has been caring and considerate about my problem. I do not understand what you mean by saying that we are, "fixing lies with lies". Your post and opinion is important to me. Please post an explanation of what your trying to get accross. Your post will be read by me. Thanks for your time.

I dont think hiding the biological child/father from each other is a good idea personally. Two adults made a huge mistake and I feel they should own up to it. This is JMHO and it probably differs completely from MB......but its my opinion and its the way I feel. I didnt mean to be insulting. I hope your situation works out, regardless of what direction you chose.

Your four year old child is to young to understand any of this. Now is not the time to have any discussions about this with her. If the day comes in the future to have a discussion fine. But until then heal your M and your family. The OC will grow up knowing it's father, the H of it's mother. This is the law in many states. Dam the DNA.

Fled

BaSSrS,,,,,,,,,, sorry to see you going thru this kaos. you have been given some excellent advice and visiting the attorney is was a smart choice. l just want to put something on the table for you and your w to discuss.

my w had an A about 6 yrs back and we are raising a beautiful little girl as a result of it. my w wanted us to move on and have nothing to do with om. i on the other hand was adament that it was biologically his child and he should have the right of visitation along with paying cs.

who was right or wrong..

well om is paying cs and taking his visitations regularly. i have forgiven my w and raising the little girl as one of our other 7 kids.. yeah you read that right 8 kids total.

anyway what has become the real hang up in our recovery is from my w's end. she has a very hard time sharing her child with om. every other weekend she is distraught and moody from mid week on leading up to his visits. i have come to feel like she is punishing me for this decision.

so you may want to discuss this seriously with your w. can she let go every other weekend of her baby? can she deal with him cutting her hair, causing her to miss soccer games, sitting in back to school nights with you, diciplining the child in ways that are different from your beliefs, having the child cry and hide when om comes to pick her/him upcause they don't want to go?

these are very real and heart tugging issues that a mother has to deal with in these cases. and the question of paternity is not the issue in this at all. everyone that needs to know is in on the secret already.

I think it is so wonderful that you shared some insite as to what may happen years down the road. Your post hit me because OC is about 4 months older than my youngest child. At that age they are very much aware of other people's emotions. I know it may be hard on you FWW but she needs to step back and look at what her reactions are doing to OC.

BaSSrS, are you sure you want to forgive? Now is the time to jump if you are going to. Once you know about it (that the child isn't yours) and don't act, the courts don't tend to entertain your changing your mind later. Bests interests of the child and all that.

Your wife has already trashed your forgiveness once behind your back. Why won't it happen again? And if she wasn't in such a jam do you think she would be so contrite now? And so once she is out of a jam because of your largesse, what is likely to happen?

I am not saying I know the answers to these questions, but your decision to forgive should not be knee-jerk, it should actually make sense to you. So ...do you really think she is a good bet from here on? Why do you think so? Do you think you can't do better if you turned her loose, her and her affair-produced offspring?

As I say, this is your chance, please be very certain in your decision to forgive. By getting pregnant she messed up while she was in the act of cruelly trashing you and your marriage for the second time, and now she is in a vulnerable state. So.. she dropped the gun she was playfully shooting you with, are you going to pick it up and give it back to her?

I guess the forgiving is ok, if you're being truly honest about it. And IF you are both doing some therapy to discover how you ended up with an affair in the first place and whether it will happen again. Especially with the added burden of another child, for whom you may hold resentment, whether you want to or not.

My father married my mom who had had a child out of wedlock (a big no no in the 50s), then they had me. He never treated my older brother the same as me; he just never loved him the same. Not blaming him, just saying that it takes a bigger man than most to be able to not see that child and occasionally think "why am I raising someone else's kid?" or "why did she do this to me?" - especially if your marriage doesn't go as well as you hope. So please don't go into this without extensive, long-term counseling so that you are both not holding resentments.

That said, once you have a child, you don't get to be selfish any more. All your decisions should be based on how to raise healthy, HAPPY children, until they are grown and out of your house. Allowing the other man into the circle would be devastating to his child, your child, and your marriage. There simply is no way it can't. So please stand firm, for the kids' sakes.

I assume the OM when telling you he had no intention of signing away his rights to the child and letting you raise it as yours, he also offered to pay his 50% of all child rearing costs including the TIME you spend caring for his child at a reasonable rate of pay for you?

What? He did not? I am shocked!

Since you are going to raise this child as your own, and rebuild your marriage, I would go so far as to suggest moving out of state or even out of the country to put as much distance between the OM and your family.

The sperm cell is microscopic and the baby will have no memory if its biodad. As to biodad's "rights" - if he was too stupid to get a vasectomy or to use a condom, or to have sex with his own legal wife and conceive a child, screw his "rights".

[color:"blue"] [/color] Hi,
I just joined the forum here due to my wife being pregnant from an affair that i found out about on christmas day of all days.
And like you we have almost identacle stories.
But i checked the state web page for my state and the OM has no rights to the OC unless i sign over my rights first
So i were you i would really check out the paternity laws where you live.
thank you

I have the very same issue. What state do you live in? I ma want to move there so we can have this child and prevent the bio-father from getting any custody. As I read this string, I see that someone else has gone through this. I need any advice you can give me. Thanks.

You guys may want to start your own threads to give yourself a better chance to recieve input. I do not feel at all capable of advising you guys in this topic, I cannot imagine going through what you all are going through. I wish you both the best!

Samson312000 and BaSSrS, What states allow the husband and wife keep the OM from having contact or taking any custody or preventing a paternity test? My wife and I pray and hope that we can make that happen and keep the OM from interferriung in our life and the life of our 3 kids for the rest of our lives. We are Christians and are going to marriage counseling and reconciling and trustinh God to show us a way. Thanks.

do a google search on your particular state's paternity laws.

In some states, there is a double edged sword in this situation - the husband of the marriage is considered the father of the child. InTexas, the father has 2 yrs to contest his paternity and likewise the bio-father has 2 yrs to claim paternity at his own expense. Here is the deal - if the OM is given father's rights - he is obligated to pay CS to support the child.