My wife and i have been married for 5yrs. We have a four year old daughter together. Two months ago I recieved a phone call from a stranger. He told me that my wife was having an affair. He told me that his wife was freinds with my wife. I asked him why he had called me. He stated that his wife admitted to him that she had also had an affair with this person. To make this story shorter, I confronted my wife about this call.

My wife came clean and stated that the story this stranger had told me was true. I could not believe it. I felt terrible for several days. She stated to me that she did not want to be with this person and that her marriage to me was very importan to her. She stated that she wanted to make it work.

A couple of Months passed and i was trying really hard to forgive her. Things were alright, but the hurt was still their. We both seemed to try and put it behind us. Then out of the blue she calls me on the phone from her parents crying. I asked what was wrong. I still can not believe the response. She told me that she was pregnant and the baby was not mine. She had went back to this person. Why?

She was one month pregnant. I know the child is not mine because we did have sex that month. What do i do? She has stated again that she does not want to be with this person. How the H am i supposed to believe that. Deep down I really want my marriage to work. She tells me that she does not want a Divorce. I don't want a Divorce either. And my Daughter, I don't want her to go through that. We have talked about Adoption and she seems opened minded about it. I asked her to talk with this man to see if he would sign the rights over. He told her that he would not. I see this has a plea to brake my marriage up so he can be with my wife. Is that Crazy? Doesn't this person understand that we have a family? How can I fix my marriage? I am desperate for any advice and I thank you for your time.

BaSSrS,
I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. But, you have come to the right place. What you are going through now is the worst you are going to feel so now there is nowhere to go but up. You'll find a lot of advice, support and comfort here.

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. And affair is bad enough, but to include an OC into the mix "squares" the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

The stages you will experience over the next year will be confusing because you will go from profound grief to outrage to denial and back again. The stages will shift around and until you get through the grieving part of it and settle into a kind of acceptance where you will be able to think more clearly and finally make some decisions.

The first thing you need to do is begin by reading everything you can on this site, starting with The General Welcome for New Builders Lots of VERY useful information and links there to help you understand this site and the advice you will receive on the forums. Learn the Harley very effective principles and methods for marital and personal recovery. If your spouse is sincere and determined to make this marriage work, then he/she should begin reading all the material available to rebuild the marriage. Whether or not your spouse embraces this program of recovery, it is important for you to do so just for your own personal recovery from such a devastating blow such as this.

If you decide the marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild, then learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. There is an Emotional Needs Questionaire that you and your spouse should fill out and then discuss together. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work). Phone counseling is available on this site with the Harleys.

The Rules of Radical Honesty and Rules of Protection along with the Policy for Joint Agreement will help your marriage recovery.

While you are in so much turmoil, you should not make any drastic decisions about anything. Let everything settle down for a while and after you feel you have calmed down enough to think clearly, you can consider some decisions. There should be NO CONTACT with the OM (other man).

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the Betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be in agonizing over all this, but you will get through this even if you decide to stay in the marriage as long as your spouse works the recovery. This is a time for you and your spouse to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other and to find out where your hearts are truly telling you to go.


Check out the list of suggested books that are very helpful to read right after D-Day. Many are available on this site or at your local library.
It is heartbreaking to know that so many women and men share this problem, but at the same time, it gives you hope that recovery is possible. You will learn to laugh again, love with your whole heart again, and trust again. But, it will take time and effort . If your spouse is committed to making the marriage the safe place for you both that it once was, then you can move forward.

There are wonderful and caring people on this site. Keep posting and draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it, and those that are travelling that same road with you. Just know you are not alone and that recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. It will get better.

BaSSrS,

Welcome to MB. So sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. As nerly said, get acquainted with the site concepts. Click on the link in my sig line to get started. Also get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. I will come back and post a link for you to some more information on your situation.

BTW, we do have some men that occasionally post on this site that are raising their W's OC (other child). It is possible.

Hi BaSSrS~

First of all, please listen to Nerly and FF and read all of the articles & book they suggested. I know you feel overwhelmed right now, and taking the time to breath, let alone sit down to read might seem silly, but trust me the things you will read will help you to get your footing, gain some insight and help you decide where you want to go in terms of your M, and how to go about it.

Secondly, I wanted to touch on this a bit:

Get in touch w/ an attorney asap, or at the very least begin w/ googling paternity laws for your state. In almost every state, the OM/bio-father has no RIGHTS to the child, thus you don't have to seek his permission for anything. In the eyes of the law YOU are this child's father because you were M to the mother at the time of conception. If the OM wants to try and gain any rights to this child, he can do so on his own accord, (going through the courts), but you are under no obligation to give him even one little inch, unless you and W decide together that you want to. I believe if you check w/ an attorney, you'll find you and your W have sole responsibility as to the decision making regarding the child.

Do not have any further C with the OM, and insist your W has no further C as well. There are sample NC, (no contact) letters on this site that are very effective and the best way for your WW to end all C with the OM. This is a must, and the first step IF you want your M to have a chance at recovery.

IF you feel YOU want/need to have C with him due the child issues, I'd set up a separate email account for that, or better still... have C go through a 3rd party such as your attorney.

If you and your W want to remain M and recover you have a long road ahead of you. It won't be pretty and sure the heck won't be easy. Lots of work for both of you, but it can and has been done, EVEN in the situations where there's an OC involved.

I believe you'll be best served if you start with these steps:

***Have W end C w/ OM including ALL talk about the child via NC letter found on this site.

***Read up on all the aforementioned resources.

***Look into paternity laws for your state & talk to an attorney.

B, Autumn Day is a wonderful example of recovery. Please read her post carefully.

I commend you on your willingness to raise this child as your own. There is indeed a long road ahead, and while it may sound a bit harsh, I cannot backup Autumn Days recommendations to have no contact with the other guy with greater emphasis. Do not let your wife talk to him alone, on the phone, email, etc. at all. Have all communication go thru a lawyer and documented.

OTP

i agree with the recommendations above, i think the best way to deal with this is through a lawyer.

and also

read, read, and read. There are lots of stories and articles here from people who are and in the same sitch. Feel free to post your thoughts and questions and we will be glad to help.

The OM sounds like a dangerous guy if he cannot understand that your offer to adopt the STBOC is your way of rebuilding your M together with your WW.

Have you considered moving your family far away from this fellow?

Please start looking at the post dates, passionpeach. This poster has not been back since March.

I know it has been a few months, sorry. Its taken this long just to get back on my feet. Things are starting to look up. My wife and I have been seperated through the entire pregnancy. She has been staying with her parents along with my daughter. I have read the book "surviving an affair", thanks for the advice faithful follower. We plan on getting back together after the baby is born, which is the end of next month. I made the decision to FORGIVE. I also made the decision to raise this child as my own. But, we are still having problems with OM. He is still trying his hardest to break my marriage up. I WISH there was some sort of law. He has made the comment to freinds of my wife that He will not let me have anything to do with this child. I don't understand-Did he think that he was going to raise my 5year old daughter if my wife left me. My wife and i have made the decision to let this man see his child. Anyways, we have an appointment to talk with an attorney and hopefully we can get some answers. I just wanted to say thank you for your encouragement and advice. I won't wait so long before posting again.

BaSSrS,

Ben there, done that, have the t-shirt, sweats, and baseball cap.

First of all, the OM has NO legal claims on your wife or the baby. If your name is on the papers, you are considered the father. Just ignore him. Better yet, if you can, move away.

I did the same. I love that daughter as much as our other two children. She is now 37 and a mother of 5 herself, and I am a proud grandpa.

Hang in there. The important thing is for your wife and you to build a solid marriage that noone else can break down.

BaSSrS,

are you SURE you want OM in your child's (yes YOUR child legally at this point) life? pops on here and another friend from another board both have done this much to the detriment of the full recovery of their marriages. Both kids do not like going off to visitation with OM. Both consider these men their daddy and do not understand why they have to leave their happy family unit to visit this stranger, this "other" daddy. I beg you to reconsider giving OM rights. Make him fight. Make him take on the legal system and only if he really sticks it out and proves he wants more than just your FWW would I consider visitation.

God bless you!

I vote for no contact. Stop all contact now with OM. Make him take you to court to require DNA testing on your wife's child. Your wife's child is legally yours when born during your M. Why are you not trying to get back together before the OC is born?

FTS

I don't understand the no contact? I'm really trying hard to forgive and put things in the past-I would like to move on and be happy. The question about the seperation-my wife and I have used the seperation has sort of a tool, to help rebuild. I believe that it has helped more then hurt us. Back to the no contact, Wouldn't it be better just to face the facts head on, instead of denying it. The OM has already made threats (COURT ORDER) to have the DNA test done. I know legally the OC is mine, but again, he can change that by going through the court. Court actions takes alot of money. Why Fight the inevidable? I would rather spend the money on my family then fighting over this matter. Maybe im wrong. Your making great points, i just don't know if I understand.

In most states the OM cannot force a court ordered DNA test if you were married at teh time of birth and conception. You need to see a lawyer NOW. It would be best for your marriage, your family, and even your other children to have OM out of your lives. He can threaten you, but his threats only have weight because you are ignorant of your rights and too lazy to go find out.

Sound harsh?? It is harsh and blunt. If you want to protect your family find out your rights, and get a lawyer. You can decide to do things differently later, but for now, YOU need to protect your family. It is in fragil condition and probably will NOT withstand the presence of OM in it.

SEE A LAWYER.

JL

NC is to protect your M and COM. This can include the child currently due. This OM will disrupt your lives for the rest of your lives. Think really bad ex with interest only in himself, child pulled back and forth between separate homes with different values, fights over the holidays, what scholl, who gets to cut hair or allow body piercing, when do kids get to drink with parents, etc......

If OM is allowed/or able to prove paternity and get into child's life, you have no control over the envirnoment the child is exposed to or values they bring home from OM's house. Blood is not more important than environment. There is no benefit to this child for knowing the blood truth or about the adultry if you are willing to raise this child born in your M as your child. Keep the OM out of your lives if you can and preserve the sanity of your lives.

Best wishes

FTS

Do you really want your wife and child to have contact with that predator for life? Honestly for the sake of your marriage and your children, please do as we recommend. We have members with experience with this. It is best for all to go NC. IF, that is a big IF OM decides to try to legally gain visitation then perhaps he has more than a roll in the hay with your WW in mind. Please do consult with an attorney post haste.

Talked with the attorney. Answered alot of questions. My wife and i have made the decision to not let the OM have contact. We learned that the only two people who contest paternity test in our state are Husband and Wife. He did say however, that the OM has a slight window to file a paternity test if he hires an attorney, and the attorney finds some sort of loop in the system. Another thing, The attorney said that the OM would have a extremely hard time finding an attorney who would take this case on based on our marriage, and him trying to brake our marriage up.

WOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOO!

I'm so happy you spoke to a lawyer and that you and your dw have decided to be a united front!!

Congrats!

I think this is a decision you will never regret!!!

The attorney is absolutely correct too-- works the same in my state.

I wouldn't even talk to om. No reason to tell him your decision or anything. He can figure it out himself if he's so inclined.

Wishing you, your wife, and family every happiness........