Awesome, truly awesome. God bless you and work the MB program together. Get the DVD's and start working.

Yeah!!!!!!

Great job. Now the two of you can focus on you, your M, and your children. Go dark and complete no contact with OM. Work on your M. Best of Luck


Fled

Wow............fixing lies with other lies........Hmmmmmm? I guess. I dont understand, but Oh well. God Bless and good luck.

BaSSrS,

What you have done is great. Don't look to people who have not tread in your shoes, nor been unsuccessful in recovering their M for their sarcastic comments. There are many different opinions here and points of view. Those of us that have been discussing this with you are all living this nightmare. If science did not exist as it does, my FWH OC would have OW's H's name and be his child. Science has changed the way we deal with this. And most of it is because of money. Not what is best for the people involved. Your focus right now is the recovery of your M. Other decisions can be made down the road if you ever feel the need.

Best Wishes

Fled

SO~

Who said anything about lying? If you're talking about the child possibly being clueless about his/her origins, well then-- just as adoptive parents usually tell their child (s)he was adopted, BASS and his W may very well do the same with their child.

There's no lying going on here SO... try again.

StartinOver-I've recieved many opinions and advice about my stiuation. Everyone replying to my post has been caring and considerate about my problem. I do not understand what you mean by saying that we are, "fixing lies with lies". Your post and opinion is important to me. Please post an explanation of what your trying to get accross. Your post will be read by me. Thanks for your time.

I dont think hiding the biological child/father from each other is a good idea personally. Two adults made a huge mistake and I feel they should own up to it. This is JMHO and it probably differs completely from MB......but its my opinion and its the way I feel. I didnt mean to be insulting. I hope your situation works out, regardless of what direction you chose.

Your four year old child is to young to understand any of this. Now is not the time to have any discussions about this with her. If the day comes in the future to have a discussion fine. But until then heal your M and your family. The OC will grow up knowing it's father, the H of it's mother. This is the law in many states. Dam the DNA.

Fled

BaSSrS,,,,,,,,,, sorry to see you going thru this kaos. you have been given some excellent advice and visiting the attorney is was a smart choice. l just want to put something on the table for you and your w to discuss.

my w had an A about 6 yrs back and we are raising a beautiful little girl as a result of it. my w wanted us to move on and have nothing to do with om. i on the other hand was adament that it was biologically his child and he should have the right of visitation along with paying cs.

who was right or wrong..

well om is paying cs and taking his visitations regularly. i have forgiven my w and raising the little girl as one of our other 7 kids.. yeah you read that right 8 kids total.

anyway what has become the real hang up in our recovery is from my w's end. she has a very hard time sharing her child with om. every other weekend she is distraught and moody from mid week on leading up to his visits. i have come to feel like she is punishing me for this decision.

so you may want to discuss this seriously with your w. can she let go every other weekend of her baby? can she deal with him cutting her hair, causing her to miss soccer games, sitting in back to school nights with you, diciplining the child in ways that are different from your beliefs, having the child cry and hide when om comes to pick her/him upcause they don't want to go?

these are very real and heart tugging issues that a mother has to deal with in these cases. and the question of paternity is not the issue in this at all. everyone that needs to know is in on the secret already.

I think it is so wonderful that you shared some insite as to what may happen years down the road. Your post hit me because OC is about 4 months older than my youngest child. At that age they are very much aware of other people's emotions. I know it may be hard on you FWW but she needs to step back and look at what her reactions are doing to OC.

BaSSrS, are you sure you want to forgive? Now is the time to jump if you are going to. Once you know about it (that the child isn't yours) and don't act, the courts don't tend to entertain your changing your mind later. Bests interests of the child and all that.

Your wife has already trashed your forgiveness once behind your back. Why won't it happen again? And if she wasn't in such a jam do you think she would be so contrite now? And so once she is out of a jam because of your largesse, what is likely to happen?

I am not saying I know the answers to these questions, but your decision to forgive should not be knee-jerk, it should actually make sense to you. So ...do you really think she is a good bet from here on? Why do you think so? Do you think you can't do better if you turned her loose, her and her affair-produced offspring?

As I say, this is your chance, please be very certain in your decision to forgive. By getting pregnant she messed up while she was in the act of cruelly trashing you and your marriage for the second time, and now she is in a vulnerable state. So.. she dropped the gun she was playfully shooting you with, are you going to pick it up and give it back to her?

I guess the forgiving is ok, if you're being truly honest about it. And IF you are both doing some therapy to discover how you ended up with an affair in the first place and whether it will happen again. Especially with the added burden of another child, for whom you may hold resentment, whether you want to or not.

My father married my mom who had had a child out of wedlock (a big no no in the 50s), then they had me. He never treated my older brother the same as me; he just never loved him the same. Not blaming him, just saying that it takes a bigger man than most to be able to not see that child and occasionally think "why am I raising someone else's kid?" or "why did she do this to me?" - especially if your marriage doesn't go as well as you hope. So please don't go into this without extensive, long-term counseling so that you are both not holding resentments.

That said, once you have a child, you don't get to be selfish any more. All your decisions should be based on how to raise healthy, HAPPY children, until they are grown and out of your house. Allowing the other man into the circle would be devastating to his child, your child, and your marriage. There simply is no way it can't. So please stand firm, for the kids' sakes.

I assume the OM when telling you he had no intention of signing away his rights to the child and letting you raise it as yours, he also offered to pay his 50% of all child rearing costs including the TIME you spend caring for his child at a reasonable rate of pay for you?

What? He did not? I am shocked!

Since you are going to raise this child as your own, and rebuild your marriage, I would go so far as to suggest moving out of state or even out of the country to put as much distance between the OM and your family.

The sperm cell is microscopic and the baby will have no memory if its biodad. As to biodad's "rights" - if he was too stupid to get a vasectomy or to use a condom, or to have sex with his own legal wife and conceive a child, screw his "rights".

[color:"blue"] [/color] Hi,
I just joined the forum here due to my wife being pregnant from an affair that i found out about on christmas day of all days.
And like you we have almost identacle stories.
But i checked the state web page for my state and the OM has no rights to the OC unless i sign over my rights first
So i were you i would really check out the paternity laws where you live.
thank you

I have the very same issue. What state do you live in? I ma want to move there so we can have this child and prevent the bio-father from getting any custody. As I read this string, I see that someone else has gone through this. I need any advice you can give me. Thanks.

You guys may want to start your own threads to give yourself a better chance to recieve input. I do not feel at all capable of advising you guys in this topic, I cannot imagine going through what you all are going through. I wish you both the best!

Samson312000 and BaSSrS, What states allow the husband and wife keep the OM from having contact or taking any custody or preventing a paternity test? My wife and I pray and hope that we can make that happen and keep the OM from interferriung in our life and the life of our 3 kids for the rest of our lives. We are Christians and are going to marriage counseling and reconciling and trustinh God to show us a way. Thanks.

do a google search on your particular state's paternity laws.

In some states, there is a double edged sword in this situation - the husband of the marriage is considered the father of the child. InTexas, the father has 2 yrs to contest his paternity and likewise the bio-father has 2 yrs to claim paternity at his own expense. Here is the deal - if the OM is given father's rights - he is obligated to pay CS to support the child.