I realize that you get these threads here all of the time. Honestly though I do know each situation is differnt and was hoping and praying for some advice that could be of use.
On June 17th my wife told me she was talking to another man. She just "clicked" with him and dident know how she felt about him but was feeling guilty because of it and felt she had to tell me. I asked her if this other man knew how she was feeling and she told me no. I asked her to let it be and not bring it up and suggest she not talk to him anymore until it was figured out. Then we made love as usual most nights and then the next day she told me she was leaving the following day after we droped my step daughter off to her fathers for the summer. she needed a week to find her "clairity". I relucktantly agreed but dident feel I really had any other choice in the matter. She came back the following day in a good mood then proceeded to tell me she said at her friends across the street (her car was there all night) and that she was just having a "mid life crisis". I said ok then. Then she told me she was leaving agian for a bit I told her OK I'm making dinner tommorow will you be there and she said yes. She dident come home that night but was there after work for dinner. She was in a roten mood I asked her how her search for clairty was (she told me she would give me a percentage each day and sunday was 45%) got mad and yelled at me to quit pushing her...I was just asking and I did in a calm causual manner. She ate some of her dinner then left. Ignoring our son and dident come back until Friday. Wednesday I went to her work to get my script filled and she was not there her co-workers told me she had gone home sick and they asked me if we had a bad dinner last night becasue we both looked ill. Isent her test asked if she was home and OK and she just responded with "were done" I tried tog et an answer from her finaly she agreed to meet me down the street . When we met she admited to the cheating on me with tears in her eyes. She would not look at me. I immedatly told her I forgave her it does not need to end because of this. She said you cant forgive me for this I'm sorry. I couldent forgive you if it was it was you who had did this. I told her I swear on our kids lives I forgive her it doesent matter forgive and forget lets move on. She kicked me out of the carand I did not see her agian for 2 days. She came and took our son to his dctors appointment. I still think it was so she could get anti-axeity pills but she claims no. She was there for the weekend because my mother was in town for a festival that was going on and she almost preteneded to be happy. Her brother came as well and he knew what was going on and tried to talk to her but all he did was make her more angry about it and her attidude contiued. She got messed up on her pills from the doctor and a bit of beer and and spilled a little saying this guy was 2 years younger than me and that he was not even good in bed. Anyway after that point she would show up when she wanted to at betwen 1:30am and 2:30am and a few times closer to 3:00am and wake up at 8 or 8:30am and goto work never seeing our son. then at the end of July she she told me she was moving out and wanted her own place for some "space". So I helped her I lent her the money for the security despoist and first months rent. She moved out on July 24th. I actuly did the moving she just helped me move all the stuff, her and I did this alone while giving a story to our 2 kids (step daughter was back for the week) it is still note worthy that while our daughter was there she only left every other night including the first night she was back!. So I told her she would have to make her car payment and car insurance (all in my name) and pay me directly. I would give her 25 bucks a month toward her rent and I have contiued to pay her cell phone bill. I have also given her money this week for food seems as she is taking our son for the this week and she had no food in the house. But we agreed to and wrote down rules for our seperation a 30 day set and a 6 month set. Rule in both of them was no dating or sex outside of marriage and last night she admited to still sleeping with the guy. I asked her to stop that as part of our agrement was no talking to either one of us! But I asked her to stop sleeping with him and respect the covidant of marriage and she got mad but said that she would. I dotn believe her at all. So now that they are friends and not lovers s she feels it will be ok to havehim around my son! which I told her apsulutly not but she said she would do it anyway. Yet after telling me she wants a divocre early in the evening later in the evening she said she dident know what she wanted. I just told her I love and that she is worth waiting for to me. Also she told me last night early in the night that there were 2 main reasons why we cant work things out. She dont want to try because I wouldent listen to her before, well after 2/1/10 becaus e the company I got bought out from I was worried about losing my job and she said it dont matter if we are poor agian we can make. Well she says that now but she sure dident ssay anything when I was going through it. The other reason is he cant forgive herself for what she done. It is unforgiveable and she cant deal with it. I told her that was a copout. I had forgiven her she can stop the issues and we could try. She admitted if we did try that we could have a buitifull thing a great relationship but she dont want to try what if it went back the way it was? I told her you are in the drivers seat, you get your divorce with no contest from me and we move. she said yeah but then I would have to give up my freedom and happiness. Hmm no you have admited if we got back together you would be happy. then she said yes well there is still the whole I am not "in love" with you part. I told her that comes with time and if we are happy it will come. She loves me but is not "in love with me"
As a disclaimer she is bi-polar / depressed (depends on the doctor) and she quit taking her meds 3 days before all of this started and was trying to quit smoking. She is now in counseling and started last week at my behest. Sot hat is a start and with her abusive childhood she has a lot of issues to get over. But I love her and I want us to at least try.
Sorry for rambling and I did read the coping artilces but they dont seem to adress where I am now. Sorry for rambling. But I guess this is what I get for asking her to get a job when she dident need too. now she is with a co-worker.
info
wife 32
me 28
daughter 10
son 6 will be 7 on the 20th of this month
You need some strong coaching....
I am probably not the one to assist since I would of packed her bags for her but not given her a dime. You may browse over here too. I think it can help you.
**edit**
I simply can not relate to your actions. I guess I have a different look on things.
How is that MarriageBuilders advice, BobJan?
ryanv, could you try breaking your post up into paragraphs? It's a little easier to digest that way.
How much reading have you done on the MB site? Do you understand Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? Have you read his articles on infidelity?
You sound like you want to save things, but you'll need a clear head and concrete plans. The materials and members here can help you with that.
First, though, start w/ the paragraphs in your post and reading. Hopefully vets will come along who are more prepared than I for advising you on your next steps. Sorry you are here.
I wish you well ryanv. I was in your shoes for 19 years, so I understand where you are.
It took a few strong people to show me what was happening. I apologize if my words were short as I am a 'direct' kind of guy.
I did not continue my marriage after her affair. It took a few months of groveling, begging and crying then I stopped. I sought counsel from my Pastor and another Minister friend. My XW was vile and sent me tons of nasty emails. My response was to go completely black on her (Plan B).
I needed a backbone and from your post above, you do too.
Please help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts.
Thank you
I realize that you get these threads here all of the time. Honestly though I do know each situation is differnt and was hoping and praying for some advice that could be of use.
On June 17th my wife told me she was talking to another man. She just "clicked" with him and dident know how she felt about him but was feeling guilty because of it and felt she had to tell me. I asked her if this other man knew how she was feeling and she told me no. I asked her to let it be and not bring it up and suggest she not talk to him anymore until it was figured out. Then we made love as usual most nights and then the next day she told me she was leaving the following day after we droped my step daughter off to her fathers for the summer.
she needed a week to find her "clairity". I relucktantly agreed but dident feel I really had any other choice in the matter. She came back the following day in a good mood then proceeded to tell me she said at her friends across the street (her car was there all night) and that she was just having a "mid life crisis". I said ok then. Then she told me she was leaving agian for a bit I told her OK I'm making dinner tommorow will you be there and she said yes.
She dident come home that night but was there after work for dinner. She was in a roten mood I asked her how her search for clairty was (she told me she would give me a percentage each day and sunday was 45%) got mad and yelled at me to quit pushing her...I was just asking and I did in a calm causual manner. She ate some of her dinner then left. Ignoring our son and dident come back until Friday.
Wednesday I went to her work to get my script filled and she was not there her co-workers told me she had gone home sick and they asked me if we had a bad dinner last night becasue we both looked ill. Isent her test asked if she was home and OK and she just responded with "were done" I tried tog et an answer from her finaly she agreed to meet me down the street .
When we met she admited to the cheating on me with tears in her eyes. She would not look at me. I immedatly told her I forgave her it does not need to end because of this. She said you cant forgive me for this I'm sorry. I couldent forgive you if it was it was you who had did this. I told her I swear on our kids lives I forgive her it doesent matter forgive and forget lets move on. She kicked me out of the carand I did not see her agian for 2 days.
She came and took our son to his dctors appointment. I still think it was so she could get anti-axeity pills but she claims no. She was there for the weekend because my mother was in town for a festival that was going on and she almost preteneded to be happy. Her brother came as well and he knew what was going on and tried to talk to her but all he did was make her more angry about it and her attidude contiued.
She got messed up on her pills from the doctor and a bit of beer and and spilled a little saying this guy was 2 years younger than me and that he was not even good in bed. Anyway after that point she would show up when she wanted to at betwen 1:30am and 2:30am and a few times closer to 3:00am and wake up at 8 or 8:30am and goto work never seeing our son. then at the end of July she she told me she was moving out and wanted her own place for some "space".
So I helped her I lent her the money for the security despoist and first months rent. She moved out on July 24th. I actuly did the moving she just helped me move all the stuff, her and I did this alone while giving a story to our 2 kids (step daughter was back for the week) it is still note worthy that while our daughter was there she only left every other night including the first night she was back!. So I told her she would have to make her car payment and car insurance (all in my name) and pay me directly. I would give her 25 bucks a month toward her rent and I have contiued to pay her cell phone bill. I have also given her money this week for food seems as she is taking our son for the this week and she had no food in the house.
But we agreed to and wrote down rules for our seperation a 30 day set and a 6 month set. Rule in both of them was no dating or sex outside of marriage and last night she admited to still sleeping with the guy. I asked her to stop that as part of our agrement was no talking to either one of us! But I asked her to stop sleeping with him and respect the covidant of marriage and she got mad but said that she would. I dotn believe her at all. So now that they are friends and not lovers s she feels it will be ok to havehim around my son! which I told her apsulutly not but she said she would do it anyway.
Yet after telling me she wants a divocre early in the evening later in the evening she said she dident know what she wanted. I just told her I love and that she is worth waiting for to me. Also she told me last night early in the night that there were 2 main reasons why we cant work things out. She dont want to try because I wouldent listen to her before, well after 2/1/10 becaus e the company I got bought out from I was worried about losing my job and she said it dont matter if we are poor agian we can make.
Well she says that now but she sure dident ssay anything when I was going through it. The other reason is he cant forgive herself for what she done. It is unforgiveable and she cant deal with it. I told her that was a copout. I had forgiven her she can stop the issues and we could try. She admitted if we did try that we could have a buitifull thing a great relationship but she dont want to try what if it went back the way it was?
I told her you are in the drivers seat, you get your divorce with no contest from me and we move. she said yeah but then I would have to give up my freedom and happiness. Hmm no you have admited if we got back together you would be happy. then she said yes well there is still the whole I am not "in love" with you part. I told her that comes with time and if we are happy it will come. She loves me but is not "in love with me"
As a disclaimer she is bi-polar / depressed (depends on the doctor) and she quit taking her meds 3 days before all of this started and was trying to quit smoking. She is now in counseling and started last week at my behest. Sot hat is a start and with her abusive childhood she has a lot of issues to get over. But I love her and I want us to at least try.
Sorry for rambling and I did read the coping artilces but they dont seem to adress where I am now. Sorry for rambling. But I guess this is what I get for asking her to get a job when she dident need too. now she is with a co-worker.
(Breaking up the paragraphs as best I could)
info
wife 32
me 28
daughter 10
son 6 will be 7 on the 20th of this month
thank you for breaking that up I am at work and this version of internet explorer keep jumping around in the text box causing me some trouble. Thank you for the responses so far. I did the read article on infidelity. But she has already moved out so I wish I would have found this place before I honestly do. But any advice would be apprecated.
Even though she already moved out there are still things that you can do at this point.
The first thing you are going to do is not continue to finance her time away from you. She wants to live on her own, then she will have to learn what it will be like to live on her own.
What is your custody arrangement lie right now? Have you consulted an attorney? Do you know your rights where you live?
Although every situation may seem different, waywards all tend to act as if they are reading from the same script. that is why the MB plans are so well defined. You need to follow it to the T and not pick and choose what you want. there is no reason to delve into your WWs past. The only thing that matters right now is killing this affair.
Have you read through this thread yet?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240Don't skip anything. It is a good starting point to this site and will help guide you in this crucial time. We ALL wish we would have found this place sooner. Just be thankful that you DID find this place. Welcome and get reading
I want to thank you for your reply Scotland.
Not finance her? That is going to be a topic of discussion on our first joint counseling session Monday the 9th. I'm done I will only pay for her cell phone as she cant afford one and she will have my kids every other week.
We have a agreement between us that is written but nothing through the courts.
I have consulted a attorney and i have "Order of Separate Maintenance" papers drawn up I just don't have it in me to sign them and turn them in. I just want things to work out so badly. Attorney just told me to take my son and pray for my step daughter. But I cant abandon her, she has lived with me since she has been 23 months old and I am her Father as far as I am concerned.
I just started reading it. I have read some of the articles in it but I will continue to read them as well as the book I'm reading called "Love Must Be Tough"
I am glad I found this place just wish I wouldn't have been crying and pacing miles everyday instead of coming up with a plan. But I was inconsolable for a while and still struggle. But yes I will read and read. thank you all again for your kind words and please help, I hate to have to say it because I am a strong self confidant person but I am shaken to the core and I feel like I have nothing left. I guess I'm just not used to asking for help.
well taking advice from in here, last nights divorce negotiations turned into marriage counseling. She admitted what emotion needs I had not met but with only 15 minutes left to the session after her time I did'ent have time to discuss mine. But we sat outside in the car for an hour and discussed baby steps to work on things until OM moves out of state on the 23rd. At first she said we would wait until he moves. I told her if that was the case dont bother so she has agreed to some steps. Grrr this is a long frustrating road. But at least it appears we are on the same path now. She was pissed to see I had looked him up on facebook though WTF really that was a invasion of privacy to view public information that he had posted? wow
She was pissed to see I had looked him up on facebook though WTF really that was a invasion of privacy to view public information that he had posted? wow
ryan - when a WS says, "You're invading my privacy!" what they really mean is, "You're interfering with my affair!"
Besides, you didn't invade her Privacy.
You invaded her Secrecy.
Big difference.
There is a place for some Privacy in a marriage, but none at all for Secrecy.
She is trying to bully you into getting off her back and leaving her alone so she can continue with her boyfriend in peace. Don't fall for it.
P.S. The "baby steps to work on things" is just stalling to keep her affair going. Even if/when OM moves, it'll be something else. There is NO hope for your marriage if she is in contact with him in any way, shape or form. NONE.
She is trying to negotiate with you to keep her boyfriend in the picture. Again - don't fall for it. NO CONTACT is the only hope your marriage has.
well anit I fool, she has taken no steps to come up with this plan for me to meet her emotional needs like the we all agreed to with the counselor. And this week OM was at her apartment every night. Someone please help me I have read everything but I just dont know where to start I'm just sop frustrated
ryanv,
Have you read up about plan a and b on this site? There is soooo much info here you really need to read up.
You have totally enabled your wife to have an affair.
I would go into plan a first because you have been a begging, emotional mess, which is highly unattractive to the wayward. I know because that is what I did at first. How do you expect your WW to respect you when you let her roll all over you?
Anyway, you need to man up and not put up with this. Hope some wise ones come on soon to help you out.
How many people have you exposed to? I would expose to all of OM's facebook friends. Does her family know? The kids?
Exposure really helps to bring the affair to an end in a lot of cases.
You can survive your WW's anger for exposing her A, but you will not save your marriage if you do not have a plan.
This is probably about the best place you can come for support and direction to save your marriage.
Mel and Pep where are you?
Please read the help on this site, order His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair from this website.
Better yet, save all the money that you have been giving your WW to support her affair and use it to make an appointment with Harley's. Definitely the best money you will ever spend to save your marriage.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
Mel and Pep where are you?
MissM, where are you? You have been here as long as me! Great advice, btw!
Thank you for your response. Truly thank you as I feel rather alone.
I have read the basic concepts but I am still unsure on what Plan A and Plan B are in implementation.
You have totally enabled your wife to have an affair.
Ouch but true
I would go into plan a first because you have been a begging, emotional mess, which is highly unattractive to the wayward. I know because that is what I did at first. How do you expect your WW to respect you when you let her roll all over you?
true true, I will start Plan A then. Now I did ignore her for a week except when it came to questions about the kids and then she wanted to talk reconciliation...well until the next day. So was that more a plan b approach?
How many people have you exposed to? I would expose to all of OM's facebook friends. Does her family know? The kids?
Everyone knows I have told everyone and even her friends tell her she is making a mistake and she better not to long to fix it or I may not be there. The kids do not know. I just told my 6 year old that mommy needs space basically. When my daughter comes home the 28th that will be the tough one.
Exposure really helps to bring the affair to an end in a lot of cases.
This guy moves out of state and starts a new job the 23rd, so WW tells me thats the natural ending but wants to work on us before he leaves......Yup I'm bitter about that
You can survive your WW's anger for exposing her A, but you will not save your marriage if you do not have a plan.
A plan is what I am here for. I'm just so mentally drained right now I cant seem to figure out how to apply all this information to MY situation.
This is probably about the best place you can come for support and direction to save your marriage.
I pray you are right. It seems there is so much information here.
Please read the help on this site, order His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair from this website.
well given the financial state I am in until the end of the month I will be at the library tomorrow to pick these up. Then I will order them off the site to contribute to the author.
*edit* Ordered Surviving an Affair as library did'ent have a copy of it in the catalog.
Better yet, save all the money that you have been giving your WW to support her affair and use it to make an appointment with Harley's. Definitely the best money you will ever spend to save your marriage.
Ouch again. But well put and I will take your advice on that.
Peace Be With You
RyanV
Also if you have a link for a good solid definition of Plan A and Plan B please link it
Thanks Sapphire, I am not so good at linking stuff!
RyanV,
I am sorry if I sounded harsh, it is just we have seen this so many times on these boards.
Glad you have exposed, this is good.
Study up on Plan A, and best of luck. So glad you are here to get help!
Love in Christ,
Miss M
All good I need to hear what I need to hear no sugar coating. Now About Plan A and Plan B. I still haven't scene even from your link a break down a real description of what Plan A is. I wont get the surviving an affair book until late next week and the other book the library will not have in until Tuesday (His Needs Her Needs)
So can someone please break down say exactly what Plan A is? My best guess is that it is just being really nice. I have been doing that. But she wants "space". I just dont get it urg!
I gave you another link about plan A and exactly what you need to do, I will post it.
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
OK I can reread the carrot and stick of plan A. But she has already moved out? So do I make home a inviting place? "Our" home is empty, she took most everything.
ryanv,
Check out this thread
Plan A- 101 (2nd ed) Ask questions if you don't understand!!!
OK I reread carrot and stick. holy mother of God this is going to be hard. Its been 55 days and I just want to step in front of a bus. Trouble is my W thinks the affiar is comming to a natural end the 23rd when the guy moves anyway.... URG!
OK I reread carrot and stick. holy mother of God this is going to be hard. Its been 55 days and I just want to step in front of a bus. Trouble is my W thinks the affiar is comming to a natural end the 23rd when the guy moves anyway.... URG!
I wouldn't tolerate that for a minute. I would demand that she end her affair now.
I did, she said thats why they call it separation..... She said she has tried to tell him but he wont get the hint blah blah. I went over the next morning to drop off our Son and he was there, and the next day and the next day. Hence my frustration
What did you say to OM when you saw him there? I read that you exposed to some family. Have you exposed to anyone on OM's side? If not expose to OM parents and Facebook friends.
I too would demand that WW end her A. Why did you agree to HER plan to wait? The point of MB is to develop a plan of your own that is not dependent on your WS's wayward actions. From reading this thread it seems that she is calling all of the shots. Right now she's under the influence of the A and not in her right mind.
If you haven't read up on emotional needs (EN) then do so (link is on the right of the page) and identify what WW's ENs are then begin to meet them as best you can even though she is out of the house. To answer your question about making a home inviting, it's more about creating an environment that WW would want to come back to rather than whether you have a sofa or not. Part of that is to also have her stand on her own and stop financing her A. If she needs a cellphone you could get a prepaid phone that is given to her ONLY when she has the children.
Developing a plan based on MB principles, and following the plan to a T gives you a greater chance to recover your M.
Come back and let us know what you have been doing to work your plan. Good luck!
((ryan)) Sorry you are going through all this.
You are getting some good advice ~ I just had a couple of things to add.
First, it sounds like you are trying to "talk" to your WW a lot. Right now any attempt by you to convince her to do the right thing is a big lovebuster. I would keep R and M talk to a minimum.
Conversely, her words don't mean too much right now. She is a fogged out alien and will lie and say what she needs to to keep you from interfering in the A. Watch her actions...which at this point don't show me that she is serious about ending the A.
Second, I think you are hopeful that on the 23rd when OM moves that your WW will return to her sane self and stop this crazy behavior you have been seeing. I just wanted to give you heads up that that is probably not the case.
Affairs are very addictive and I would imagine that she will continue to be in touch with OM on the phone and online and that you will continue to see no progress in your M.
So...as you can see, NC is the goal. Most of the time that can't be achieved without exposure. Who has this been exposed to? Why do your children think that your WW has left the home? I hope your WW hasn't told them this "space" garbage. I hope they have been told the truth.
I did, she said thats why they call it separation..... She said she has tried to tell him but he wont get the hint blah blah. I went over the next morning to drop off our Son and he was there, and the next day and the next day. Hence my frustration
I completely missed this.
Plan A does not = Plan Doormat.
I would let your WW know that under no circumstances is OM allowed to be around your children. This is so morally confusing and damaging to them I don't even know where to begin...not to mention that you are putting your children's safety at risk.
It's clear your WW knows she can get her way with you. Stop enabling the affair, ryan. You need to stand up and be strong for your family. The BHs who let their WWs walk all over them never do well here...
I did, she said thats why they call it separation..... She said she has tried to tell him but he wont get the hint blah blah. I went over the next morning to drop off our Son and he was there, and the next day and the next day. Hence my frustration
Ryan, I wouldn't allow your children to be around him at all. They should not be dragged into this affair. That just teaches that wrong is right.
Have you explained to your kids that their mother is having an affair? Your wife is warping their minds by dragging them into her filthy affair and to them, it looks like you are endorsing it by leaving them there with the OM. That is a sure fire way to screw up little kids.
I agree with the suggestion to expose the affair to the OM's family and facebook friends. You need to make as much trouble as possible for this scumbag.
I would also use the word "adultery" when you speak to you wife about her affair. She seems to believe that being "separated" negates her adutlery and it does not. Adultery is adultery.
IThen we made love as usual most nights and then the next day she told me she was leaving the following day after we droped my step daughter off to her fathers for the summer. she needed a week to find her "clairity". I relucktantly agreed but dident feel I really had any other choice in the matter. She came back the following day in a good mood then proceeded to tell me she said at her friends across the street (her car was there all night) and that she was just having a "mid life crisis". I said ok then. Then she told me she was leaving agian for a bit I told her OK I'm making dinner tommorow will you be there and she said yes. She dident come home that night but was there after work for dinner.
Ryan, this is part of the problem. You have gone along at every step and become an enabler instead of a husband. You shouldn't agree to anything that is destructive to your marriage or your children. Her behavior is very destructive and you have gone along with it at every step.
I think that your attorney gave you great advice. I would follow that advice and take steps to protect your son. He comes first and he needs to be protected from your very destructive wife.
I have consulted a attorney and i have "Order of Separate Maintenance" papers drawn up I just don't have it in me to sign them and turn them in. I just want things to work out so badly.
Ryan, this is much more likely to turn out good if you do file the papers and get full custody of your son. Rather than file for separate maintenance, I would file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. This way you are protected no matter what it gives her a much needed splash of reality. She does not believe you will do anything to stop her and so far SHE IS RIGHT.
Your son needs to be protected at all costs, and unless you have a court order that says otherwise, I would not be leaving your son with her unless she ensures there will be no adultery partners around.
Guys, come on, Assault the Ambush
thought you might like to look at this.
Hope you are studying the MB info.
Update please, we want to help you!
Love in Christ,
Miss M
I am studying the information and just got the His Needs Her Needs and Surviing an Affiar yesterday, not sure what to read first. This has all goton so wierd. I start avoiding contact and now she is acting all strange. Saturday telling me how much she just wants OM to move out of state and solve the problem (which is no longer the 23rd, he wants to stay as long as he can because he loves her blah blah). she feels the OM is pushing her with I love you and Your "the one" talk. We spoke agian on sunday after I picked my son up from church. Oh it was very strange to see OM there and not hiding. He was shaking like a scared [censored] and I did nothing to make him feel better just dident make any rude comments just got my son and left. Got back from church to drop off my son and OM was gone and WW and I spoke for quite a while. About where we were and how she was feeling and what went wrong and she cried and gave me a hug. then followed me to my house so she could take our son swiming in the pool while I went to work. While I was getting my boots she asked if she could "try something to see if it still works." I told her sure having no idea what she was talking about. And she kissed me and not a peck on the check. I asked her if it worked for her she said that was for her to know. Then she did it agian. Asked her if it worked and she said she wasent going to tell and I told her "well anit you **cking cocky you just assume it worked for me." she got all sad looking and said well does it I dont want to waste my time. told her it did and then told her oviously it did for her or she wouldent have done it a second time. Then she kissed me twice more before I left. When I was leaving she gave me a peck on the check and I asked her what hell that was for and she said well thats how friends kiss. I said oh were friends and she kissed me as she had done before. Left it at that. she came over on Monday so I could see my son. She joked about throwing OM in the trash with the trash bags she was taking then told me she was on a fence and confused and wasent sure what to do but the coulser on thursday she hoped would tell her what to do. She has a personal session then we ahve a joint session that follows immedatly afterward. So yeah we spent we a few hours saturday, sunday, 1 hour monday, she is comming over tonight to hang out and "communicate" we ahve counseling on thursday and then our sons birthday dinner for us 3 on Friday. But OM was at her house last night and she is still plans on going to OM's sisters wedding on saturday. I have a Plan A I think. From what I undersand from it
1. Be nice and solical but no not contact her and only speak about the kids.
2. Tell her affiar must end and no contact with OM agian ever
3. I am still willing to try once A is over
4. Keep everything simple and to the point.
Trouble is is that now she is schdueling time, she is the one engaguing and actualy using the words plan. She is on a new medication now. but is it that or is she mad because OM did my work for me and exposed the A at work? Or is it because she knows the money train is over and she knows she has a car payment at the end of the month and rent to pay and I dont think she will be able to make either? Or is it that all her friends ahve told her that I wont be waiting around much longer? Or is it that she realizes what is about to happen to her children? She already knows that once our step daughter comes home if I have to tell her the truth I dont see us comming back. Maybe the A has run its natural course and she is starting to wake up?
Oh I exposed her to everyone that will listen and OM's family knows about the affiar a and on the surface at least seem supportive. But then agian OM is 26 and this is his second GF. wow 26 and second GF? wow, I mean wow lol Well Ineed to find my ativan have a great day all and for the love of god point out where I'm screwing up agian. I am scared to death. I know I need to just tell her how it is. Which is what thursday is for? I think, maybe, dont know what its for besides she will make a decion then. I just want to positivly influance it between now and then.and I only have today and tommorow morning
Ryan, i don't think you are going to make it unless you man up here. Where in this post is any mention of protecting your children? Where in all this is any mention of doing anything to defend your marriage from adultery?
Rather, I see you enabling her affair by allowing your kids to be dragged into the affair. The OM is so bold that he will even openly rub your nose in his affair with your wife. I am speechless that you tolerate this.
The first order of business has to be protecting your children. Do you not understand that this is how little children end up sexually molested and abused? And here you are handing your own kids over to this scumbag and your wife!! What in the world are you doing??
[u][i]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]-
[b]Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.
-
Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.
- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .
- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.
IOh I exposed her to everyone that will listen and OM's family knows about the affiar a and on the surface at least seem supportive.
Did you expose the affair to the OM's family yourself?? Have you spoken to them?
Then she did it agian. Asked her if it worked and she said she wasent going to tell and I told her "well anit you **cking cocky you just assume it worked for me."
bzzzt!!! Learn that you can not DJ at any time in your marriage. I'd only call you a friend after that one too.
I have a Plan A I think. From what I undersand from it
1. Be nice and solical but no not contact her and only speak about the kids.
2. Tell her affiar must end and no contact with OM agian ever
3. I am still willing to try once A is over
4. Keep everything simple and to the point.
Its more like do your best to meet her needs even if she is not responsive.
Have no expectations of what you want her to do. Just because you are super awesome H, don't expect anything in return.
No more Love busts. No DJ's, AO's, demands, ultimatums, whatever. This is true at any time of your marriage.
Be open and honest. Let her know that she needs to end contact with the OM when you find that she is contacting him. don't need to run around with a big sign letting her know all day every day. Just enough that she understands your stance.
Show her you are willing to try NOW. Do not wait until the affair is over. You may need to let her know, "You are doing these things for the sake of your marriage." Like I said no expectations if she registers this or not.
I would get her back in the house if she is not there.
? I think, maybe, dont know what its for besides she will make a decion then. I just want to positivly influance it between now and then.and I only have today and tommorow morning
You are placing your life and that of your children in the hands of a falling down drunk! Placing yourself at her mercy is a huge mistake. It is YOU that should be the one deciding the direction of your life and that of your children. \
Your wife is so destuctive that nothing will work other than a firm response. And that means filing divorce and getting primary custody of your child with no exposure to the OM. In fact, I would go for supervised visits only.
That is about the only thing that will wake your wife up. But first, Ryan, YOU have to wake up. Your enabling is only fueling your wife's entitlement mentality and earning her disrespect. Women do not love men they can't respect and I assure you she does not respect you becasue of your doormat behavior. That is disgusting to women.
Wake up, my friend!!
IOh I exposed her to everyone that will listen and OM's family knows about the affiar a and on the surface at least seem supportive.
Did you expose the affair to the OM's family yourself?? Have you spoken to them?
no she did that herself. I dont know OM's family. I read about it in her journal. They were warm and welcoming blah blah. Hell she is going to OM's sisters wedding Saturday last I knew.
Here The above link is the Carrot and Stick of Plan A. This might help you to understand what Plan A is about.
You are not in plan A, you are in plan enable. Why on earth would your WW have any desire to recover your marriage when you are literally paying her way commit adultery?
STOP helping your WW with rent. STOP paying for the cell phone. Get a pay as you go trac phone for your son to contact you and for emergency when visiting your WW.
STOP allowing your son to be around OM. TELL your son that mommy has a bf and you aren't supposed to have a BF when married and that OM is trying to break up your family.
You need to get your ducks lined up legally, PROTECT your son.
Oh, and what ML said. You are getting great advice here from the very best people, who are taking time to help you because we care, we want to see you recover your marriage.
Most of all, please get an appointment with Harley's and get PROFESSIONAL help. All that money you save when you stop enabling your WW's adultery could be used to get professional help from MB.
ryanv, best of luck, I hope you listen up to what people here are telling you. Many of us have seen this kind of situation that you are in before.
MB works. Call and get an appointment.
IMHO you should do a short plan A and then go to plan B. Somehow I think if your WW is not getting any EN's met by you it will wake her up.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
Then she did it agian. Asked her if it worked and she said she wasent going to tell and I told her "well anit you **cking cocky you just assume it worked for me."
bzzzt!!! Learn that you can not DJ at any time in your marriage. I'd only call you a friend after that one too.
I have a Plan A I think. From what I undersand from it
1. Be nice and solical but no not contact her and only speak about the kids.
2. Tell her affiar must end and no contact with OM agian ever
3. I am still willing to try once A is over
4. Keep everything simple and to the point.
Its more like do your best to meet her needs even if she is not responsive.
Have no expectations of what you want her to do. Just because you are super awesome H, don't expect anything in return.
No more Love busts. No DJ's, AO's, demands, ultimatums, whatever. This is true at any time of your marriage.
Be open and honest. Let her know that she needs to end contact with the OM when you find that she is contacting him. don't need to run around with a big sign letting her know all day every day. Just enough that she understands your stance.
Show her you are willing to try NOW. Do not wait until the affair is over. You may need to let her know, "You are doing these things for the sake of your marriage." Like I said no expectations if she registers this or not.
I would get her back in the house if she is not there.
I do want her back in the house, I do want her to not be angry with me but I was taking back by her actions is was the last thing I was thinking about! Aside from the sexual iuendo so tossed out I left the whole kissing thing as it was. She knows how I feel I guess I just have to be able to find the balance between telling her how I feel and knowing I love her and want to make things work and being to pushy. I dont want to give ultimatiums but I thought that was a that is pushed here, end the A and then we can work on the marriage? Or did I get that wrong? I just ahve never been lost like this before. I'm a traight forward even cocky person normaly.
no she did that herself. I dont know OM's family. I read about it in her journal. They were warm and welcoming blah blah. Hell she is going to OM's sisters wedding Saturday last I knew.
In other words, the affair HAS NOT BEEN EXPOSED!! All that happened is that your wife lied to his family.
So how about we start there and EXPOSE THE AFFAIR?
And the next step should be to protect your kids. You will not save your marriage by sacrificing your kids in order to appease a wayward wife.
Your son will remember what you did to him, Ryan. He will remember that you did nothing to protect him or save his family.
I cannot even fathom how morally confused he is by this situation. This is how you screw little kids up for life.
ryanv,
I was posting when you were.
Please read my post before your last post.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
ryan, it is time to put the carrot aside and bring out the stick! You are not going to make it unless you do.
I will reread it agian. she knows the money is gone from me. The only thing I will add is that I need to seperate our phones so I wont pay for hers. I have been on plan enable for 60 days. I guess it is Plan A if I can get it right then to plan b. Plan b will kill me emotionaly. I've been there for her ever need the best I have been able to for 8 years. To disconnect that for me....just.. I dont know how I can do it. But I will take your advice. This check goes to paying off my back rent, making the car payment for the car I am taking back and a legal settlement my wife is no longer helping me with. so in 2 weeks I guess I can get a appoinment schdueled. Wow yet 2 more weeks. Damn life sucks. why does she have to do all of this? Oh yeah I'm letting her do it.
ryanv,
Yes, you have been in plan enable for the last 2 months, I understand that, I did it. This was before MB. You were ignorant about what you could do to stop this affair and you did whatever you thought was best. Now you are learning and will have some tools you can use to implement your plan and hopefully recover your marriage.
So now you can move forward and you will be surprised how much better you will feel.
Yes, Plan B is hard, but if you continue on the way you have you will lose all love for your wife eventually. Plan A is to improve yourself and meet your WW's needs as much as you can and to elimanate DJ's and AO's. You can be the best you can be.
Plan B protects the love that you have left for your spouse and makes her depend on the OM to meet ALL of her needs, which he cannot do. Your WW is cake eating and getting her needs met by both you and OM. You meet more of her needs than you know. When you go to plan B, she will miss getting her needs met by you.
So, what about your son? How is he doing? You really haven't said much about him. What can you do to protect him from this?
By the way, welcome to Marriage Builders. It isn't easy to get through this, but I see hope for your marriage if you follow the plans here.
And PLEASE listen to Melodylane, she is the very best. Also Wheel's Crazy and Sapphire. All the people posting to you are wonderful.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
DOCUMENT You might want to look at this thread too!
Love in Christ,
Miss M
Plan b will kill me emotionaly. I've been there for her ever need the best I have been able to for 8 years
There is a big difference between enabling and loving. And there is a big difference between being used and being loved. I think you have catered to and appeased your wife for years and in effect, have given her a false sense of entitlement.
you are right, last night when she came over as planned to pick up our son we did not speak of us at all except one passing inside joke. I was just nice and had plesant conversation and she stayed around for 2.5 hours. I had already made some commitments for her which I still filled from before I figured out what plan A was. I went to her place and hooked up her internet for her, I did buy her a pack of ciggerettes and a monster java drink. The house was clean and vacumed and look rather nice for not having any furinture lol. And she recieved the copy of Beuty and the beast I ordered for her (her favorite move that got lost) But that was ordered before Plan A. So all of my commitments are done, Plan Enable is over and Plan A now begins full strength. Which should be intresting at our join counseling session tonight. Its not mariage counseling because that I think scares her its just a joint counseling session where we get to discuss our marriage...... I swear I will be taking you alls advice and I will be asking for help on what may seem stupid but with my emotions and ovious closeness to the situation I hae my own fog to contend with its just quite the same as hers. Also I now have "Surviving An Affiar" and "His Needs Her Needs" which of these should I read first?
As far as my son he is having a difficult time and misses his time with his father desperately and has told his mother for the first time last night he wants to stay with Daddy. WW and I spoke last night about putting him into counseling. Our daughter will be in counseling as soon as she gets back home as she knows nothing now. Even if we move back in together before that their are issues at her fathers (aka sperm donors) that MUST be addressed.
You are apsolutly correct in everyway shape and form. For all intents and purposes I have been a single father for 8 years. WW just cooked and cleaned the bathrooms and folded the laundry I washed and sometimes she even put it away.
"Surviving An Affair" is a real kick in ole' scrotum. I gathered the first few chapters of "His Needs Her Needs" off this fourm. But the "Surviving An Affair" I cant just put down, I mean wow. Just hope its not to late.
What should I do tonight if she tells me at our "joint counseling" she does not want us to work and she wants our marragie to be over? Do I goto Plan B or still contiue on Plan A (well really start Plan A)? Also is it worth telling her what Emotional Needs of mine have been ignored? Or would that just fuel the clouded justfication for D?
How long do you think you have been in plan A?
If she wants to separate, then SHE can leave the house, YOU MAKE SURE THAT YOU DO NOT LEAVE THAT HOUSE! Make sure that YOU keep the kids as well.
If you think you have done a good plan A then I suggest going to plan B, but if you think you haven't done a really good job at it then give it a couple more weeks before heading to plan B.
I have done a very bad job of Plan A. also she already moved out on July 24th. But I think she will be soon evicted
She wont have the money for her rent, I just checked her bank account. Which means I will be stuck with a car paymen and a new car
No matter I just want her back. I was going to move from a 3 bedroom townhouse to a 2 bedroom apartment to save on money in aticipation of having to make this car payment. Should I wait for Plan B before I do that?
If I were you, I wouldn't even GO to counseling! Dr. H says it's pretty much pointless to be in counseling with an active WW. Even if you do coaching with the coaching center here at MB, they will coach you separately.
Your #1 goal right now is to do a stellar Plan A for a couple of weeks (since you say you haven't really done a good one up to this point), do a massive nuclear exposure (all at once!), and then start preparing for Plan B. There is a lot to prepare to get ready for that.
If moving will put you in a better financial position, then you should do it. Whether your WW comes back or not, you'll be better off. If she DOES end up coming back (on down the road) and the Plans have worked, THEN you can think about moving again, after she proves she is really wanting to recover.
Good job on getting the books, Surviving an Affair is the BIBLE to recovering from this mess. You can TRY and meet her ENs now but usually a WW won't let you. Have you read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A? You really need to find it. It's a very short list of do's and don'ts.
We're rooting for you!
Here's a link to a thread that will get you to the Carrot and Stick Thread...
Click here
ok ryanv,
You have 2 links to the carrot and stick link, I totally agree with Melodylane that you need to use the stick part at this time.
And since your son is devastated and wants to be with you, you need to let WW know that it is not acceptable for her to have OM around your son.
Time to focus on improving yourself, and focusing on your SON.
No more money, no more cell phone, and if you cannot afford the rent if you are paying for a new car then scale down if you need to. Is this WW's car? Is the car in your name? I would not pay for WW car. She needs to understand what 'separation' is. This means not supporting her in any way.
Her idea of separation is to bang OM and have you pay for it and expose your darling son to who knows what.
Separation means she is on her own, paying her own bills, and paying for her car. And keeping her adultery partner away from your son. This is the stick part. Tell her and then ask her if she wants a potato chip. LOL.
Daughter needs to know now. Expose. I would not trust anything she says about who she exposed to. You need to call everyone, her family, your family, daughter, son, and OM's BW if you can get the info. Exposure needs to come from you.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
If I were you, I wouldn't even GO to counseling! Dr. H says it's pretty much pointless to be in counseling with an active WW. Even if you do coaching with the coaching center here at MB, they will coach you separately.
After each counseling session she moves further and further in the right direction. She now has set a cut of date for her relaionship on her ending it all including all communication. She is working on the strength to do so. And she has commited to rebuilding our marriage as long as I am willing to put the A and all assoicated with it behind us (which I have already offered to do)
Your #1 goal right now is to do a stellar Plan A for a couple of weeks (since you say you haven't really done a good one up to this point), do a massive nuclear exposure (all at once!), and then start preparing for Plan B. There is a lot to prepare to get ready for that.
With Plan A in effect for 1 day I hear "Why are you being so nice to me I do not deserve this" So I think i like where plan A is going so far. Bu tI do need to come up with Plan B as a back up plan. Exposure has alreadly happened to everyone but our daughter.
If moving will put you in a better financial position, then you should do it. Whether your WW comes back or not, you'll be better off. If she DOES end up coming back (on down the road) and the Plans have worked, THEN you can think about moving again, after she proves she is really wanting to recover.
Good point, I need to plan to take care of myself and my kids not her right now.
Good job on getting the books, Surviving an Affair is the BIBLE to recovering from this mess. You can TRY and meet her ENs now but usually a WW won't let you. Have you read the Carrot and Stick of Plan A? You really need to find it. It's a very short list of do's and don'ts.
The books are great! And yes I have read that thread printed it and it sits next to my "Daily Bread" bible study. I read surviving an affiar, then my daily bread study the passage discussed reread plan A Carrot and Stick then goto bed. Also is allowing me meet certian emotional needs that was also what we discussed last night with the counselor was how we can do that even more effictly than we have been doing and having my WW allow me to fill more of those needs with out her feeling guilt associated with it
Thanks, I'm going to need all the support that i can get right now!
After each counseling session she moves further and further in the right direction. She now has set a cut of date for her relaionship on her ending it all including all communication. She is working on the strength to do so. And she has commited to rebuilding our marriage as long as I am willing to put the A and all assoicated with it behind us (which I have already offered to do)
She is gaslighting you! She has a cutoff date? Really? That date should have been yesterday. See how much help a counselor is?
If she were truly committed to rebuilding your marriage, she would she would break off any contact NOW by writing a no contact letter, approved and mailed by you, and come home immediately.
Please re-read the STICK part of Plan A. She and the counselor both are disrespecting you by remaining in her ADULTERY (please don't disrespect yourself by calling it a relationship).
We like to say around here that there is nothing worse than making a bad promise, except keeping that promise. You cannot just sweep her ADULTERY under the rug once she comes home. You BOTH must deal with it. Dr. H has a very narrow path for recovery (are you sure you're reading Surviving an Affair??? :)) including the no-contact letter, putting EPs in place, her being completely transparent, open and honest and answering ANY questions you might have about her ADULTERY. There is a way to do this without LBing.
I hope you're not sharing MB with your WW right now. There may be a time when you can, but this should be your secret weapon for destroying the ADULTERY.
She is working on the strength to do so. And she has commited to rebuilding our marriage as long as I am willing to put the A and all assoicated with it behind us (which I have already offered to do)
You don't need STRENGTH to go NC. You need CONVICTION. She doesn't need to be 'strong enough' to go NC, she has to completely believe that there is no other option.
You don't 'build up' conviction. You just have it.
She knows what the right thing is.
She doesn't want to do it.
She wants to find another way out.
BSing you with tales of 'building strength' are a stall tactic.
She has no conviction. She doesn't believe she should go NC.
And as for you promising to 'put all of this behind' you. Yeah, another bad call. She has almost broken this marriage. You don't just sweep off the shards and say "oops". You don't put it behind you - you recover.
Big difference.
its my sons birthday and I still cant seem to smile since she left an hour ago. Guess I will go back to reading and building my Plan A. Or maybe tonight I need to take a night off for me, take my zanax and watch some tv and drink a beer. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done
OK I think after much reading and thought I have a Plan A, please give me your opinions....and 2x4's....
Plan A:
Stop annoying behaviors (WS told me what they were in last counseling session)
No more DJ or AO, the DJ has been an issue on occasion for me as I am a natural smart [censored]. But so is my Wife that is one thing we have always enjoyed about each other.
No more fiscal support, If she wants tog et on food stamps and soak me for what she can for CS then let her. When she cant make the car payment this month take the car and give her the car I'm driving which is a PoS but paid for. Also when she cant pay her rent this month I will not assist her or lend her any sort of money any more.
I will keep my house clean and neat feed my son (and daughter when she comes home) only home cooked meals no eating out (except -perhaps once a week).
Remind her what has worked in our marriage
Continue to let her know no reconciliation can occur until she breaks it off completely with OM. Including changing her phone number and getting a new job (as she works with him). I also already found her a new job paying the same closer to home with less responsibility.
Continue to let her know there is a future with forgiveness and care.
Only place I am stuck on is, do I continue to meet the EN's she will allow me to meet? Do I continue to allow her to come up with excuses to see me? Should I not buy her a Starbucks for when she stops by? Also should I not bake her favorite cookies for her when I know she is coming over? Me not cooking and cleaning enough for her was one of chief complaints (which I found odd as I had done all the cleaning except dishes and bathroom exception was the 2.5 years she dident work)
Thank you all for your help thus far. Trying to get my ducks in a row and have my battle plan ready to rock. Then come up with my Plan B so that is ready to roll when I need to go that route. Figured I will do Plan A for 30 days, I mean she has already been gone 63 days and I have been doing a lot of this for the past 30. I have been doing the carrot but really no stick. Last night was the first time I have had the CONVICTION to tell her ZERO contact as a condition. But I guess dropping my son back to me a day early on his birthday so she could goto a party for OM's sisters wedding and adding that to the fact she is going to that wedding today gave that to me. Yet she text me during the wedding.... WTF!?
Sorry rambling, back to the point, what do you guys think or what should I add. The way I have been fighting this hasn't achieved the results I wanted. Just lip service, so guys I'm ready to fight. I dont believe her or what she says to her friends any more. Oh yeah the exposure got she promised she would be done with him after the wedding..... I'm still calling it lip service.
Only place I am stuck on is, do I continue to meet the EN's she will allow me to meet?
As long as you are in Plan A you meet any needs you can. Plan A is a demonstration that you are WILLING to meet her needs. Plan A is showing her that you CAN and WANT to be a good husband to her.
As long as Plan A lasts you do the absolute BEST job you can meeting her needs.
Don't talk about your relationship. Don't have conversations. Just say "Our marriage cannot survive with a 3rd party involved." Then change the subject.
As long as you are in Plan A you meet any needs you can. Plan A is a demonstration that you are WILLING to meet her needs. Plan A is showing her that you CAN and WANT to be a good husband to her.
It hurts doing so because I just feel like I am being used. Like now she thinks its ok and we can be friends. But I think your advise from your last line will help in that thank you.
Don't talk about your relationship. Don't have conversations. Just say "Our marriage cannot survive with a 3rd party involved." Then change the subject.
It hurts doing so because I just feel like I am being used. Like now she thinks its ok and we can be friends. But I think your advise from your last line will help in that thank you.
It hurts because it is abuse. You ARE being used. That is why Plan A is temporary. You do it for as long as you possibly can - then you go Plan B to self-protect.
Plan A is NOT, nor should it EVER be a way of life.
Estimated time for Plan A is 3wks - 6 months. That is the max you should do for your own mental health. Only you can determine how long you can do this.
Not talking about the relationship will help. Healthy application of 'the stick' of Plan A helps - as BOTH parts are needed in Plan A: the carrot AND the stick.
The stick is refusing to finance the affair. The stick is calling the adultery what it is when it is mentioned. The stick is exposure.
This will be HARD. Do the best you can. We're here to help.
I feel like I am getting more and more angry. It's been over 60 days and I just look at her and its like she is no longer the same person. Thank you for the help, your kind words and strong advice is certianly encouraging
It hurts doing so because I just feel like I am being used. Like now she thinks its ok and we can be friends. But I think your advise from your last line will help in that thank you.
It hurts because it is abuse. You ARE being used. That is why Plan A is temporary. You do it for as long as you possibly can - then you go Plan B to self-protect.
Plan A is NOT, nor should it EVER be a way of life.
Estimated time for Plan A is 3wks - 6 months. That is the max you should do for your own mental health. Only you can determine how long you can do this.
Not talking about the relationship will help. Healthy application of 'the stick' of Plan A helps - as BOTH parts are needed in Plan A: the carrot AND the stick.
The stick is refusing to finance the affair. The stick is calling the adultery what it is when it is mentioned. The stick is exposure.
This will be HARD. Do the best you can. We're here to help.
well had a horriable weekend with her. Saturday morning we were getting back together and making plans. All fell apart after my sons birthday party. But I was honest with her as to what she has done (she asked) I was not angry or disrespectful. Then told her I was no longer going to finace her life. She offered just to have her check direct deposited into my account because her bills are more than her check. I told her no. I'm not responsible for her eviction notice when it arrives or her not making her car payment or car insurance. But if she needs someone to talk to I am her but as far as "we" go Marriage can not survive long with a 3rd party.
This is a little saddistic, but Im going to argue that your weekend went rather well, as long as you did not LB. You stood up for your marriage, and you showed that you can not finance another person in your marriage. I assume you are still in plan A, she moved out, and she is still in an affair?
If it has been 60 days, and you have done a stellar plan A then start writing a plan B letter. I doubt you are being able hold yourself up any longer.
Yes how long have you been in plan A?
This is a little saddistic, but Im going to argue that your weekend went rather well, as long as you did not LB. You stood up for your marriage, and you showed that you can not finance another person in your marriage. I assume you are still in plan A, she moved out, and she is still in an affair?
If it has been 60 days, and you have done a stellar plan A then start writing a plan B letter. I doubt you are being able hold yourself up any longer.
I agree.
Get Plan B ducks in a row.
I stayed away from LB, It was very very very hard. It took a look to not have any DJ or AO's. I have been in plan beg for the first month and plan A for another month. It was a combination of plan doormat and Plan A. Plan A has only truely been in effect without plan door mat for about a week. But she did cry and told me thank you for all I have done for her. Oh I forgot tto mention Saturday evening we went to dinner with some friends (as we were back home for the night) her friend pulled her aside twice and asked her to "remove her head from her [censored]". So durring dinner I felt some LB's comming on so I excused myself and steped outside for a smoke. My wife asked if she could come along I told her sure. She then started going on about her other friend who had ditched her for the dinner we were at and how she is lieing to her husband about having a gambling problem and my wife wasent sure if lieing or being brutaly honest was worse. I told her "well I have now had it both ways and I think the lieing is far worse." She got mad and demanaded to know when had she ever lied to me. So I told very calmly told her the list, I and I said well with all respect. She then started screaming about how she wanted a divorce right then and there and if I dident file she would yadayada. I said dont be upset you asked me a direct question she contiued on and I told her I thought it was time for us to get back to our friends. Next day our friends made us breakfast, she prepared my plate with the kids made sure I had plenty to eat (I told her I could get my own food). After we got home she told me she had a great weekend with me except Saturday night. I just said, well you asked me a direct question and I cant lie to you. I told you that I had forgiven you for everything so if I said you had not lied to me then how could I really say that I have forgiven you? And I will say it agian marraige can not survive long with a 3rd party. Also I will not be filing for a divorce anytime soon, I will be waiting. She said with a very confused look "So I can show up at your door begging for forgivness?" I told her she already had that and the best I could hope for is her showing up and saying and saying hi its today can we not talk about yesterday? She looked at her feet and said true I guess. Then reminded me if I slept with anyone else we would be through. Then she left with the kids. So it was a bad weekend but I got to get a lot of my chest and she withdrew far to many points from the love bank this weekend. LEast from reading this book I already knew she would change her mind that day so I wasent even really that hurt when she did.
I stayed away from LB, It was very very very hard. It took a look to not have any DJ or AO's. I have been in plan beg for the first month and plan A for another month. It was a combination of plan doormat and Plan A. Plan A has only truely been in effect without plan door mat for about a week. But she did cry and told me thank you for all I have done for her. Oh I forgot tto mention Saturday evening we went to dinner with some friends (as we were back home for the night) her friend pulled her aside twice and asked her to "remove her head from her [censored]". So durring dinner I felt some LB's comming on so I excused myself and steped outside for a smoke. My wife asked if she could come along I told her sure. She then started going on about her other friend who had ditched her for the dinner we were at and how she is lieing to her husband about having a gambling problem and my wife wasent sure if lieing or being brutaly honest was worse. I told her "well I have now had it both ways and I think the lieing is far worse." She got mad and demanaded to know when had she ever lied to me. So I told very calmly told her the list, I and I said well with all respect. She then started screaming about how she wanted a divorce right then and there and if I dident file she would yadayada. I said dont be upset you asked me a direct question she contiued on and I told her I thought it was time for us to get back to our friends. Next day our friends made us breakfast, she prepared my plate with the kids made sure I had plenty to eat (I told her I could get my own food). After we got home she told me she had a great weekend with me except Saturday night. I just said, well you asked me a direct question and I cant lie to you. I told you that I had forgiven you for everything so if I said you had not lied to me then how could I really say that I have forgiven you? And I will say it agian marraige can not survive long with a 3rd party. Also I will not be filing for a divorce anytime soon, I will be waiting. She said with a very confused look "So I can show up at your door begging for forgivness?" I told her she already had that and the best I could hope for is her showing up and saying and saying hi its today can we not talk about yesterday? She looked at her feet and said true I guess. Then reminded me if I slept with anyone else we would be through. Then she left with the kids. So it was a bad weekend but I got to get a lot of my chest and she withdrew far to many points from the love bank this weekend. LEast from reading this book I already knew she would change her mind that day so I wasent even really that hurt when she did.
I'll get back to you on this.
Gotta go for now.
well, she told me over text today after a ridiculous request (IMO) and she told me to file for divorce again. I gave in and told her fine but there were some things that I had to say first. So she came over I sent the kids to the neighbor and we had at it so to speak. Or really I did and let it all out without DJ and AO as much as I could. I wont say I never raised my voice but she sat there and took it and cried through some of it. In the end she agreed to end the A and come home and asked me submit her notice to the apartment complex. She also offered to quit her job to get away from OM and she says she is severing the A with the guy. She also went as far as to tell our daughter she is coming home after talking to both kids and they explained to her in no uncertain terms they wanted her at home with Daddy. Now I guess I need to give her my copy of the book. I would just assume its a False Recovery but she told our daughter which is a huge deal to her. Keep praying for us everyone!
Things for your wife to do...
1.) Write a NC letter and you proof read it and mail it to him.
2.) Counsel with the harleys
3.) Transparency all phone, emails, text, FB, etc you will have all access to. No ands, buts about it.
4.) spend 20 hours of UA time together, this does not include watching TV or being together with kids.
5.) You guys need to sit down and discuss some EP's to ensure this does not happen again.
Good luck!!
One more thing, if she has ONE little tiny contact with this man after the NC letter, then go to plan B.
I agree 100% with you. She decided on most of this plan by herself...except Ihanded her all the print outs from the site in a packet and told her I know where you are at and have no desire for us but here is what its going to take. We discussed it further. I also alreadly have access to everything of hers except her phone. But I'm getting her a new phone and number witha new carrier that is in my name so I will have full call records. Cant find a company that will give me text records as well without a court order....makes no sense to me. They will give you the phone call information that you want but no text info, just the number of sent and recieved text messages. But I keep praying and just finshed her notice to vacate letter for her apartment place.
Yes assume this is a false recovery for now, not at least until she really does change her jobs, and you have full confidence, through snooping, that she has ended all contact with the OM. I love her getting a new phone. I would also suggest that she get a new email address and delete the old one. Remove all traces of the OM from her presence. This means all gifts, love letters, pictures, mix CDs, whatever.
Set a timeline for yourself, determine how long you can last on this plan A while she is at home. If she does not end contact in a certain amount of time, she does not meet the conditions set for your recovery, or your LB$ is still being withdrawn from and negative in the next couple week or months (you decide), then you need to go to plan B to save yourself.
Continue plan A (snooping, carrot and stick), start a recovery process (encourage her involvement in the marraige), but any sign of continued contact should throw you into a plan B (have letter ready to write out and an IM in mind). You have to be on your toes and working 3 plans at a time. Plan A, plan recovery, and prep-plan B. Hopefull you can transition to recovery.
well, she told me over text today after a ridiculous request (IMO) and she told me to file for divorce again. I gave in and told her fine but there were some things that I had to say first. So she came over I sent the kids to the neighbor and we had at it so to speak. Or really I did and let it all out without DJ and AO as much as I could. I wont say I never raised my voice but she sat there and took it and cried through some of it. In the end she agreed to end the A and come home and asked me submit her notice to the apartment complex. She also offered to quit her job to get away from OM and she says she is severing the A with the guy. She also went as far as to tell our daughter she is coming home after talking to both kids and they explained to her in no uncertain terms they wanted her at home with Daddy. Now I guess I need to give her my copy of the book. I would just assume its a False Recovery but she told our daughter which is a huge deal to her. Keep praying for us everyone!
This is very likely a FR. She sounds like she's waffling and buying time. She is still addicted.
She needs to quit that job immediately. Today. BTW - sorry if I missed it - did you expose this affair?
Plan B need advice on what to say. Will explain later must go
She's commits to coming back then changes her mind. Last night she decided again to end the A. She booted OM out of her apartment this AM than came over. I held her and she cried. As the day went on she kept getting more and more distant from me and then left to get cigarettes 2 hours ago. She cant call OM as she deleted his number and otherwise does not know it but told me how she wanted him to hold her not me. And she dident want to talk to me. Well that was 2 hours ago she left for smokes. She promised to be here tonight to get the kids on the bus for first day of school. Taking meds and going to bed. So what do you suggest for Plan B? Or should I hold off on that in case she really did just goto her apartment and doesn't have contact with OM?
She booted OM out of her apartment this AM than came over.....told me how she wanted him to hold her not me. And she dident want to talk to me.
And you are tolerating her telling you this for what reason? you are her husband, not her Best Friend. This is when you reverse the babble, apply the stick of plan A. If you can't handle this stuff anymore go to plan B.
I went with plan B for 2 weeks decided to file after that, she was so happy....then she picked up the papers (wouldn't give her the satisfaction of serving her at her place or work as OM would be there. She came over that night after telling me how happy she was to have the papers and hasn't left since. Oh as for OM....He was cheating on her for the last 1-2 months of their A. no contact and we are working our plan. So far so good.
thanks everyone !!!!!!
I stopped in today to read my old posts and I see the flood of new posts continue each day. This disheartens me, but I see their are still committed members here to help as best they can.
I just wanted to say thank you for all the great help you all gave me, my family is whole again and the kids are happy and so is my wife and I. I just cant say thank you enough.
Good to see you, Ryan!!! And thanks for the update!