ryanv,

Check out this thread Plan A- 101 (2nd ed)

Ask questions if you don't understand!!!

OK I reread carrot and stick. holy mother of God this is going to be hard. Its been 55 days and I just want to step in front of a bus. Trouble is my W thinks the affiar is comming to a natural end the 23rd when the guy moves anyway.... URG!

I wouldn't tolerate that for a minute. I would demand that she end her affair now.

I did, she said thats why they call it separation..... She said she has tried to tell him but he wont get the hint blah blah. I went over the next morning to drop off our Son and he was there, and the next day and the next day. Hence my frustration

What did you say to OM when you saw him there? I read that you exposed to some family. Have you exposed to anyone on OM's side? If not expose to OM parents and Facebook friends.

I too would demand that WW end her A. Why did you agree to HER plan to wait? The point of MB is to develop a plan of your own that is not dependent on your WS's wayward actions. From reading this thread it seems that she is calling all of the shots. Right now she's under the influence of the A and not in her right mind.

If you haven't read up on emotional needs (EN) then do so (link is on the right of the page) and identify what WW's ENs are then begin to meet them as best you can even though she is out of the house. To answer your question about making a home inviting, it's more about creating an environment that WW would want to come back to rather than whether you have a sofa or not. Part of that is to also have her stand on her own and stop financing her A. If she needs a cellphone you could get a prepaid phone that is given to her ONLY when she has the children.

Developing a plan based on MB principles, and following the plan to a T gives you a greater chance to recover your M.

Come back and let us know what you have been doing to work your plan. Good luck!

((ryan)) Sorry you are going through all this.

You are getting some good advice ~ I just had a couple of things to add.

First, it sounds like you are trying to "talk" to your WW a lot. Right now any attempt by you to convince her to do the right thing is a big lovebuster. I would keep R and M talk to a minimum.

Conversely, her words don't mean too much right now. She is a fogged out alien and will lie and say what she needs to to keep you from interfering in the A. Watch her actions...which at this point don't show me that she is serious about ending the A.

Second, I think you are hopeful that on the 23rd when OM moves that your WW will return to her sane self and stop this crazy behavior you have been seeing. I just wanted to give you heads up that that is probably not the case.

Affairs are very addictive and I would imagine that she will continue to be in touch with OM on the phone and online and that you will continue to see no progress in your M.

So...as you can see, NC is the goal. Most of the time that can't be achieved without exposure. Who has this been exposed to? Why do your children think that your WW has left the home? I hope your WW hasn't told them this "space" garbage. I hope they have been told the truth.

I completely missed this.

Plan A does not = Plan Doormat.

I would let your WW know that under no circumstances is OM allowed to be around your children. This is so morally confusing and damaging to them I don't even know where to begin...not to mention that you are putting your children's safety at risk.

It's clear your WW knows she can get her way with you. Stop enabling the affair, ryan. You need to stand up and be strong for your family. The BHs who let their WWs walk all over them never do well here...

Ryan, I wouldn't allow your children to be around him at all. They should not be dragged into this affair. That just teaches that wrong is right.

Have you explained to your kids that their mother is having an affair? Your wife is warping their minds by dragging them into her filthy affair and to them, it looks like you are endorsing it by leaving them there with the OM. That is a sure fire way to screw up little kids.

I agree with the suggestion to expose the affair to the OM's family and facebook friends. You need to make as much trouble as possible for this scumbag.

I would also use the word "adultery" when you speak to you wife about her affair. She seems to believe that being "separated" negates her adutlery and it does not. Adultery is adultery.

Ryan, this is part of the problem. You have gone along at every step and become an enabler instead of a husband. You shouldn't agree to anything that is destructive to your marriage or your children. Her behavior is very destructive and you have gone along with it at every step.

I think that your attorney gave you great advice. I would follow that advice and take steps to protect your son. He comes first and he needs to be protected from your very destructive wife.

Ryan, this is much more likely to turn out good if you do file the papers and get full custody of your son. Rather than file for separate maintenance, I would file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. This way you are protected no matter what it gives her a much needed splash of reality. She does not believe you will do anything to stop her and so far SHE IS RIGHT.

Your son needs to be protected at all costs, and unless you have a court order that says otherwise, I would not be leaving your son with her unless she ensures there will be no adultery partners around.

Guys, come on, Assault the Ambush


thought you might like to look at this.

Hope you are studying the MB info.

Update please, we want to help you!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I am studying the information and just got the His Needs Her Needs and Surviing an Affiar yesterday, not sure what to read first. This has all goton so wierd. I start avoiding contact and now she is acting all strange. Saturday telling me how much she just wants OM to move out of state and solve the problem (which is no longer the 23rd, he wants to stay as long as he can because he loves her blah blah). she feels the OM is pushing her with I love you and Your "the one" talk. We spoke agian on sunday after I picked my son up from church. Oh it was very strange to see OM there and not hiding. He was shaking like a scared [censored] and I did nothing to make him feel better just dident make any rude comments just got my son and left. Got back from church to drop off my son and OM was gone and WW and I spoke for quite a while. About where we were and how she was feeling and what went wrong and she cried and gave me a hug. then followed me to my house so she could take our son swiming in the pool while I went to work. While I was getting my boots she asked if she could "try something to see if it still works." I told her sure having no idea what she was talking about. And she kissed me and not a peck on the check. I asked her if it worked for her she said that was for her to know. Then she did it agian. Asked her if it worked and she said she wasent going to tell and I told her "well anit you **cking cocky you just assume it worked for me." she got all sad looking and said well does it I dont want to waste my time. told her it did and then told her oviously it did for her or she wouldent have done it a second time. Then she kissed me twice more before I left. When I was leaving she gave me a peck on the check and I asked her what hell that was for and she said well thats how friends kiss. I said oh were friends and she kissed me as she had done before. Left it at that. she came over on Monday so I could see my son. She joked about throwing OM in the trash with the trash bags she was taking then told me she was on a fence and confused and wasent sure what to do but the coulser on thursday she hoped would tell her what to do. She has a personal session then we ahve a joint session that follows immedatly afterward. So yeah we spent we a few hours saturday, sunday, 1 hour monday, she is comming over tonight to hang out and "communicate" we ahve counseling on thursday and then our sons birthday dinner for us 3 on Friday. But OM was at her house last night and she is still plans on going to OM's sisters wedding on saturday. I have a Plan A I think. From what I undersand from it

1. Be nice and solical but no not contact her and only speak about the kids.

2. Tell her affiar must end and no contact with OM agian ever

3. I am still willing to try once A is over

4. Keep everything simple and to the point.

Trouble is is that now she is schdueling time, she is the one engaguing and actualy using the words plan. She is on a new medication now. but is it that or is she mad because OM did my work for me and exposed the A at work? Or is it because she knows the money train is over and she knows she has a car payment at the end of the month and rent to pay and I dont think she will be able to make either? Or is it that all her friends ahve told her that I wont be waiting around much longer? Or is it that she realizes what is about to happen to her children? She already knows that once our step daughter comes home if I have to tell her the truth I dont see us comming back. Maybe the A has run its natural course and she is starting to wake up?

Oh I exposed her to everyone that will listen and OM's family knows about the affiar a and on the surface at least seem supportive. But then agian OM is 26 and this is his second GF. wow 26 and second GF? wow, I mean wow lol Well Ineed to find my ativan have a great day all and for the love of god point out where I'm screwing up agian. I am scared to death. I know I need to just tell her how it is. Which is what thursday is for? I think, maybe, dont know what its for besides she will make a decion then. I just want to positivly influance it between now and then.and I only have today and tommorow morning

Ryan, i don't think you are going to make it unless you man up here. Where in this post is any mention of protecting your children? Where in all this is any mention of doing anything to defend your marriage from adultery?

Rather, I see you enabling her affair by allowing your kids to be dragged into the affair. The OM is so bold that he will even openly rub your nose in his affair with your wife. I am speechless that you tolerate this.

The first order of business has to be protecting your children. Do you not understand that this is how little children end up sexually molested and abused? And here you are handing your own kids over to this scumbag and your wife!! What in the world are you doing??

[u][i]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- [b]Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

Did you expose the affair to the OM's family yourself?? Have you spoken to them?

bzzzt!!! Learn that you can not DJ at any time in your marriage. I'd only call you a friend after that one too.


Its more like do your best to meet her needs even if she is not responsive.

Have no expectations of what you want her to do. Just because you are super awesome H, don't expect anything in return.

No more Love busts. No DJ's, AO's, demands, ultimatums, whatever. This is true at any time of your marriage.

Be open and honest. Let her know that she needs to end contact with the OM when you find that she is contacting him. don't need to run around with a big sign letting her know all day every day. Just enough that she understands your stance.

Show her you are willing to try NOW. Do not wait until the affair is over. You may need to let her know, "You are doing these things for the sake of your marriage." Like I said no expectations if she registers this or not.

I would get her back in the house if she is not there.

You are placing your life and that of your children in the hands of a falling down drunk! Placing yourself at her mercy is a huge mistake. It is YOU that should be the one deciding the direction of your life and that of your children. \

Your wife is so destuctive that nothing will work other than a firm response. And that means filing divorce and getting primary custody of your child with no exposure to the OM. In fact, I would go for supervised visits only.

That is about the only thing that will wake your wife up. But first, Ryan, YOU have to wake up. Your enabling is only fueling your wife's entitlement mentality and earning her disrespect. Women do not love men they can't respect and I assure you she does not respect you becasue of your doormat behavior. That is disgusting to women.

Wake up, my friend!!

no she did that herself. I dont know OM's family. I read about it in her journal. They were warm and welcoming blah blah. Hell she is going to OM's sisters wedding Saturday last I knew.

Here

The above link is the Carrot and Stick of Plan A. This might help you to understand what Plan A is about.

You are not in plan A, you are in plan enable. Why on earth would your WW have any desire to recover your marriage when you are literally paying her way commit adultery?

STOP helping your WW with rent. STOP paying for the cell phone. Get a pay as you go trac phone for your son to contact you and for emergency when visiting your WW.

STOP allowing your son to be around OM. TELL your son that mommy has a bf and you aren't supposed to have a BF when married and that OM is trying to break up your family.

You need to get your ducks lined up legally, PROTECT your son.

Oh, and what ML said. You are getting great advice here from the very best people, who are taking time to help you because we care, we want to see you recover your marriage.

Most of all, please get an appointment with Harley's and get PROFESSIONAL help. All that money you save when you stop enabling your WW's adultery could be used to get professional help from MB.

ryanv, best of luck, I hope you listen up to what people here are telling you. Many of us have seen this kind of situation that you are in before. MB works. Call and get an appointment.

IMHO you should do a short plan A and then go to plan B. Somehow I think if your WW is not getting any EN's met by you it will wake her up.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I do want her back in the house, I do want her to not be angry with me but I was taking back by her actions is was the last thing I was thinking about! Aside from the sexual iuendo so tossed out I left the whole kissing thing as it was. She knows how I feel I guess I just have to be able to find the balance between telling her how I feel and knowing I love her and want to make things work and being to pushy. I dont want to give ultimatiums but I thought that was a that is pushed here, end the A and then we can work on the marriage? Or did I get that wrong? I just ahve never been lost like this before. I'm a traight forward even cocky person normaly.