Good afternoon all,

My wife and I have been married 16 years and together for 18. I found out in August that she had an affair with her best friends brother, started out as talking and lead to her feeling in love with him. As far as I know they have only been together one time but they were talking all the time. Like so many of the others on here I hadn't given her everything she needed to feel loved. I accept that and am working my but off to do a better job. I know you might need more details and will provide them as needed.
I am not sure where we are at. she says she hasn't contacted him, he does live in a city about 90 miles away, I called and told his wife about 30 days into it and she said she didn't know about it, trying to expose it and making it harder for him since he was telling my wife that his wife already knew about it. So since this time, my wife swears to me that she isn't talking to him, I am not stupid and know it probably is happening but not sure how. I do know that my wifes best friend is the guys sister and they text all the time..I again agree with everything you are probably thinking!
So..this is where i am at..she is on the fence, tells her friends she doesn't know what she wants..doesn't seem to be movement either way..I think she is trying to figure out what he is doing with his wife. The whole time this is going on we are very polite and nice to each other we continue to go out and enjoy things together with our kids 14 and 16 and act as though everything is as close to normal as possible. She doesn't like to talk about it, so I try my best to leave it a lone. I am trying to be very happy and acting as though I am fine, which looks like what plan a is..my question is do I bring up her leaving or what do I do when I go to plan B? We do not have a physical relationship, we have tried once and she said she just didn't feel the conection but I still think she loves me but her feelings for him have really confused her. When I ask her if she wants to do stuff she almost always says yes. I know where she is almost 90 percent of the time she doesn't try to hide where she is going. So do I just continue to sorta back off and continue to be happy or at some point do I tell her if she isn't commited to working on this she should move out and go to plan B? She says she is here and open. My friends think I just need to give her time to figure things out, I hurt her for a long time. Sorry I know this is very disorganized and hope you can make sense of it!
Any help is greatly appreciated!

Hi lovemywife! Welcome to Marriage Builders!

What I would do first is find out if she is still talking to him and then DEMAND she end contact. Put a keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her cell phone and slap a GPS and a voice activated recorder in her car. I strongly suspect she has just gone further underground.

The next critical thing you can do is expose the affair to your kids and close family members. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them ruins the fantasy. It is no fun to get high on an affair when everyone is looking on!

I would also suggest paying a visit to the OM. Ask him what his intentions are. Tell him there is no future with your wife because you will make his life a holy hell if he doesn't stay away. Tell him you will divorce your wife if it doesn't stop and you will have him subpeonaed into court to give testimony under oath about his affair. That will wake him up!

All of these things should help you kill the affair so that you have a chance to rebuild the love in your marriage. All of your efforts at meeting your wife's needs and working on your marriage are for naught unless this SCUMBUM OM is out of her life.

I would have a talk with her and tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Show her this program and let her know you are willing to give her a chance to EARN your forgiveness, but you have no interest in staying in a loveless marriage. What it will take to restore the love in the marriage is a change in ACTIONS that this program would dicate. Explain you are not a sideline guy and will not be sitting here waiting for feelings to come that will never come unless there are some actions to follow.

See, if you don't fight for this marriage and start setting some standards, you will lose, lovemywife. If you allow yourself to be at the mercy of a drunken wayward whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will have a destroyed marriage.

So, you have to raise the bar here and start fighting for your marriage. It is not going to happen by magic. Waiting around for your wife to "get off the fence" is a fools mission tht will only result in your WW's wayward mentality becoming more entrenched. She grows more and more entitled by the day.

Hand her this and tell her "this is what it will take to interest me in staying in this marriage:"

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Print up this excerpt and tell her this is how it done:

entire article

Total separation and the institution of extraordinary precautions is the only way. Not only is it going to help break her addiction, it is a sign of respect to YOU from her.

If her "best friend" is a line of contact, then that "friend" needs to go. I would investigate the involvement of the "best friend," as, for the most part, she may be an enabler for your WWs wayward thoughts and actions.

While you are BOTH responsible for the poor state of your M, it is HER lack of O&H and boundaries that exclusively makes HER responsible for A. This responsibility is borne by her against each and every person her actions hurt; you, your children, her other family and friendships.

Gather intel and expose.

Wow great information..I just wished I knew how to do all this!!!

We will be glad to teach you. Just ask us specific questions and we will help you figure it out.

What do I do if she keeps threating to leave? She say she doesn't love me anymore. I think she is sending email from her iphone at work because it looks like her phone goes into 2G mode and I can see where it looks like something is sending and recieving about 5 emails a day. She knows this and swears she isn't doing it. I have caught her with a Gmail account but she saw how I found it so no go there. She rarely uses the computer so I suspect she thinks I am monitoring it which I am. Instead she uses her phone for everything. I suspect gmail again but no way to track it. If I press her for what she is going to do I get nothing she says she hasnt talked to him and she is there and open and if I press she says is that not good enough. So Do I keep pressing, I thougth plan A was to be very nice and restore love units?

Ok, she hasn't threatened to leave lately...only when I caught her in a huge lie and told her she is risking losing her kids if she keeps this up. Not a reliable source but she told me after I caught her with the gmail accouunt that his wife was going to try and work things out but I really think they are still talking..otherwise I would have thought all the things I have been doing would have started to syaw her more and she really doesn't seem to be going thru withdraw or anything..I know she can lie and I never thought she was caplable of doing that.

Melody are you still with your husband?

You tell her you will sure miss her, but you won't stop her. And don't let her take any children, money or furnture. The affair would die much faster if she did leave so don't be afraid of this. However, I serioulsy doubt she would leave or she would have done this already.


We know. Because of the affair. That is why it is important to kill the affair.


Can you get ahold of her phone when she is asleep and install flexispy? I am pretty sure it works on iphones. You can download it from the website and install it right on her phone. Go to flexispy.com


Plan A to demonstrate your willingness to meet her needs in the FUTURE if she ends the affair and commits to the marriage. It is usually impossible to meet the needs of a wayward.

Please have the discussion I outlined above and explain to her that this won't work unless she commmits to recovery. She needs to see you fight for the marriage or she will rightly conclude you don't care.

Also, have you been in touch with the OMW to compare notes and let her know you think they are communicating during the day? Maybe she can unearth the communications.

I would also plan on paying the OM a visit.

Yep!

She is threatening to leave in order for you to back off and let her continue her affair in peace. She told you that tripe about OMW wanting to work it out in order to lull you into a false belief that the A is over. The A is not over. What you are seeing your WW pushing the A underground.

Waywards say this all the time. It's right out of the script. And the truth is, she DOES know what she wants - she wants both you *and* her boyfriend. That's what she's got and believe us - she will keep this arrangement going for just as long as she possibly can. She will NEVER stop it on her own.

The only one who can put a stop to it is you.

Her threatening to leave you is just bullying to get you to back off. She wants to enjoy her affair in peace, knowing all the while that she can come back to you when she feels like it.

Do not fall for this. She knows exactly what she wants - and she's got it, for as long as you will tolerate it.

Ok, quick question..I think my wife is on the fence cause she doesn't know about her feelings for other guy. I exposed the affair to his wife and today I talked to them and he is trying to work it out and tells her he wants them to work it out and when he was with my wife it wasn't emotional just talking. Said they are not in contact and all that other garbage...Not saying I believe any of it..my question is should I show my wife the email and let her see what he is telling his wife, will this help my wife see that he is doing nothing more than lying to her and if she isn't talking to him will her seeing him tell his wife it meant nothing help her put that out of her head and maybe decide to want to work on our marriage?

Who has saved their marriage from an affair? Who has helped countless people save their marriages? You? Nope. LISTEN TO WHAT THESE VETS ARE TELLING YOU.

Don't come up with your own plans of waking your WW up. That isn't going to happen by you educating her. You need to kill this affair dead. You need to stop financing this affair and get that stick part of Plan A working.

One other question..I did have an affair 4 years into our marriage and she has always wondered about what I was doing but never asked..she just kept it inside.
Let it build up and then like out of know where this happens..I am listening to what the Vets have to say and I believe in them completly...I just am trying to be careful about the timing. I know for a fact she can't see him and vise versa, I know it's probably doesnt matter as long as they can contact each other..We have plans to go to Texas and ofcourse we have Christmas together with the kids and I do not want to hurt the kids right before this and keep them from going to texas and having christams with us both. Do I owe her anything since I have hurt her and made her suffer...I can only imagine all the hurt she has went thru wondering if I was still doing stuff. I wasn't but having had it done to me I can see whay she would wonder but she never brought it up.

Melody, That is Awesome!

Yes! It is a great idea for you to show her what he saying. Show her the email and say "I'm so sorry." Have a downcast look on your face to show you FEEL SORRY FOR HER THAT SHE WAS JUST USED.

Your wife is not on the fence at all. She knows what she wants: TWO MEN MEETING HER NEEDS. That is exactly what she wants and she will fight to maintain that position. She will get it if you let her!

Did you confess the affair?


You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think "it doesn't matter." An affair does matter very much. And let me ask you this: Do you and the OM live in states that have cars, boats and planes? Because if you do, they can be together TONIGHT. So yes, she CAN see him. ANYTIME. All he has to do is fly to your town tonight. Or she can go on a "business trip" and see him. \

The longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched it becomes. And an emotional affair is much more serious to a woman that a romp in the hay.

1) Did you confess your affair?

2) Put flexispy or some other software on her phone if you think she's communicating via the phone. Any contact at all will continue to kill your marriage. There needs to be absolutely ZERO contact for life.

3) If she still is communicating w/ OM via the phone, shut it down, turn it off. Give her a phone that only has calling. She'll be pissed as he11, but who cares, better her be pissed than carrying on her affair. If she wants to communicate w/ OM, she can do it on her own dime outside the marital home.

4) Do your children know about the affair? If so, they need to be told (and told about yours as well).

I did have an affair 4 years into our marriage and she has always wondered about what I was doing but never asked..she just kept it inside. I confessed the affair and I felt horrible. I told her everything she wanted to know and tried to do everything so she wouldn't think it was continuing. I actually took a job on the west coast to get away from it. I had no intentions of conitnuing in the affair, last 2 weeks and it wasn't anything at all for me. I knew I wanted my wife and I didn't initiate the affair but doesn't excuse my role in it. What I didn't realize is thru out the years the things that made her think I could be having others. She never voiced her concerns she just let it build up. I told her the other day maybe you should have told me but easy to say now.

I showed her the email last night and we had a good conversation I guess. Anyways, she called me today and told me thank you for showing her the email. She said I was right and she probably was on the fence because of her feelings for him and that the email help her see what he was doing. Again, I don't think the work is done by any means...She said she doesn't want to go back to the way things were and we have a lot to work on and she isn't a 100% yet but she working on it. I guess actions will speak volumes over the next few days. I told her about this site and all the things she was saying was just like everyone else on here. I told her what we had to do, that I was fighting for her and me sitting back doing nothing wasn't. Ok, I am not on a perfect plan and really didn't expect this to go the way it has. But Is it possible she saw what he was telling his wife and realized he did nothing but use her and could this have gotten thru to her?

Perhaps, but don't bet the farm on it. Continue to snoop and follow all the advice you've been given so far. Affairs are like addictions and quitting an affair partner is much like quitting smoking...extremely difficult.

If your WW appears to be somewhat remorseful after reading the e-mail, you may be in the perfect place to call the Harleys for professional guidance, especially since you also had an affair earlier in the marriage. You have a bit more to fix in the marriage that may be possible without the Harley's help.

Ok, I feel like I should be very happy but... I don't! Wife and I have been working together and going to MC and we have had some good times together. We talked the other night and she finally said she wants me and wants us. I can't catch her doing anything can't find another phone, I know where she is at at all times, she doesn't go out of town, but I feel in my gut she is still contacting him via gmail chat and I can't catch her on her iPhone 4. Only thing that I have is she gets Internet/media on phone bill but I can't figure out why or how. I have tried everything to duplicate it on my phone but can't. She works in a place that her phone constantly searches for signal so not sure if this causes this or not. I have found stuff on the computer after telling her something about being able to find information on her self by just searching her name she got up the next morning and searched it but the odd thing she was searching email and her name which leads me to believe she is trying to make sure a hidden email isn't showing up even though she denies it. I will give her this she either isn't doing anything or she is smart enough to only do it on her phone because she suspects I am watching the computer. Anytime something looks like it's bothering me she really makes an effort to get close and see what's bother me. I didn't give up any information and don't know how or if I should confront her with so little info. My question here now is she is saying she is trying to work it out although she still seems distant at times and doesnt seem to initiate anything unless I look distant and still doesn't want to have sex because she feels I have hurt her in something I did and she just wants to feel loved for right now. (keeping my mouth shut) it's been almost 70 since I found out and tried once but she said she felt the same when we did. Do I keep loving her and if I don't see change do I suggest if she is not 100% in and that she move out? I still have not told our kids 15 and 17 only told OM wife and talked with her some but she doesn't seem to want to exchange email to much not sure what he has told her but it wouldn't surprise me to find out anything at this point. I want to believe but I know better. My wife doesn't understand I went thru what she is going thru and I know what she feels. Ok sorry running long.

Several folks have posted about installing flexispy on her phone. Have you done that?

Is she willing to work on recovering the marriage?

Install the flexispy on her phone and KNOW if there is contact. If there is, you need to fully expose the A to your kids, family and close friends who can help coax her back to the marriage.

Regarding intimacy, it is state in Harley's materials that Withdrawal take around 6 weeks. In A's that start out as EA's my personal opinion, and experience, is that W takes longer with women. During the W time frame, snoop, spend 20 hours of undivided time with her, and strongly consider calling the Harley's for coaching. You marriage appears to have a pretty good chance at healing.

I can't install it on her phone, its not jail broken and its a iphone 4. She will know if i mess with it. Thanks for your replies and I am hoping we have a good chance.
We do not fight and we have spent every day together since this has happened. I am trying to talk her into it and have showed her about what we need to do to recover.

Ok, sorry haven't been here much. Things seem to be progressing but not really very fast. I have a IPHONE 4 and with the update it allows you to track your phone. Well my wife has throw a fit about this and acts like I am treating her as criminal, she talked to her friend and must have told her I installed this program to track her which isn't the truth at all, the fact that it tracks where she is at is nice but I didn't do it the update allowed it. My thought as is most of yours is why focus on the your treating me like a criminal, and she is trying to make me feel guilty by doing this. My thought is that if she wants to show me she is trust worthy and has nothing to hide why wouldn't you want to have this installed and incase you lose your phone you can find it. Anyways, I had removed the app on her phone but I forgot about the email that you have to activate and it's been about a week since i removed the app. Today I checked on it and her phone was gone, so i am assuming she deleted the email in settings. The first thing that sticks out is what was she doing in there putting in a secret email so she could email him? Or just out of the blue she went in there?? I noticed she looked at something on the computer about it yesterday...REALLY bothers me but I don't know how to bring it up...I thought about telling her I am not going to make her do anything she doesn't want but I refuse to be in a marriage that my wife refuses to be transparent on something as simple as her location. I could care less if she knows where i am at, but I have nothing to hide and don't feel like i am a prisoner at all. I feel like I am a loving husband who wants my wife to feel secure in knowing I am where I say I am.

Things have seemed to be getting better we are always together but I really don't see much of a change in attitude by her. Our talks led to unhealthy conversations, and basically her telling me nothing she ever does is good enough for me. She tells me she loves me and wants our marriage but her actions seem shallow to me anyways. Does she make some efforts, YES..but it's the lack of talking and opening up and trying to come up with a game plan to make us better that bothers me.. Why try if your going to do nothing, if you want it to work wouldn't you do everything and anything to do it? OMG this is SOOO frustrating..by the way she is a ER nurse and I have noticed so many things that are different in her, I am happy she likes her job but it has Changed her SOO much...I hate it!
Sorry just venting..

I see that you have told her about this site. How do you know that she is not watching this thread?

Never expose your resources!

Imagine-Thanks for the reply..I did look at her phone she did not remove the email that allows it to work. I think she might just have turned off the location services to save her battery. Her actions are slowly changing and I can't find anything she is doing wrong. I would love for her to really open up but maybe in time she will. I am trying to be as loving as I can with no LB's and changing myself as the way I should have been all along.

I think she is really noticing and we spend every night together..would love to do more talking but don't want to force relationship issues now.

Your right, I shouldn't have told her about this site. She has finally started reading LB's and hopefully she will continue and read His needs..Her needs also.

I want to thank you all..talking to friends really helped but didn't. They all advised not to do stuff that I felt I should and this site basically backed what I had thought up.

I am sure I am not out of the woods and I am not closing my eyes and thinking this is over. Just incase the plan is to let the storms pass and resume the affair. I will BLOW it out of the water if I ever find out it's continuing.

ML- you are my hero..I wish I could think of replys and word them the way you can. I trust this site and the people on here more than I trust any MC or IC. What this site does is amazing! Thanks all!

Don't forget the reason for the season!

Ok, I have been having trouble getting my thought and words aligned when trying to have a conversation with my wife. I seem to talk bout the same thing over and over and wanted to really be prepared and talk about stuff that will allow us to move forward.

My wife has told me she is commited to me and our marriage but it seems as thought it's just stuck, not moving back and not moving forward. I attribute this to several things but mostly for not having any plan. I am copying and pasting my "agenda" so that I can talk to my wife tonight and hopefully figure out where we go from here.

If you guys don't mind can you look this over and let me know what changes you might make? I am just trying to keep it safe for us both and come up with a plan for recovery or a plan for whatever it is that we are going to do.

1. Do you want to be with me? Do you want to continue with our marriage?

2. If yes, how committed are you?

a. Renter-I will see how it goes.
b. Buyer-Where in this together and will work together to save it.

3. Do you think we can recover without having a game plan?

4. Do you have any suggestions or plans to restore our marriage?

5. If not are you open to MB as a plan to restore love and save our marriage?

a. What are your top 4 needs?

i. Affection
ii. Conversation
iii. Open and Honesty
iv. Sexual fulfillment
v. Recreation companionship
vi. Admiration
vii. Family Commitment
viii. Physical Attractiveness
ix. Domestic support
x. Financial support

b. Do you feel I am meeting these needs?
c. Is there anything I can do better?
d. Is there something I am doing that is annoying you?

6. Are you willing to meet my top 4 needs?

a. Affection
b. Sexual fulfillment
c. Recreational Companionship
d. Conversation

7. Is there something I can do to help you heal?
8. Would you like me to write a no-contact letter?
9. Are you willing to write a no-contact letter?
10. Are there any questions that you need answered?
11. Are you willing to do this even thought it may seem awkward and difficult?
12. Can I do anything to make you feel safer with me?




13. Are you willing to fix things that make me feel unsafe in our marriage?

a. Removing single face book friends or those who you have feelings for or did in high school?
b. Possibly deleting or combining FB�s?

14. I am committed to you, this marriage and my family. I am willing to do anything to get us back are you?

15. Is there any unanswered questions you have that I can answer now?

16. Do you feel as though I am giving a 100% to recover our marriage?

17. Do you feel your giving a 100%?

18. Last, I do not wish to be stuck in a loveless marriage where either of us meet each others needs and live as roommates but I am committed to you, our marriage and our family and restoring the love, and passion we once had if you choose.