A brief recap: I'm the WW and I have an infant OC from the OM. My BH knows all and wanted to stay together and raise our only child together. Our M is recovering in an amazing way and we're closer than we've ever been. He loves OC and after a huge court battle it looks like OM will be in the picture, but we're doing okay with that. I will maintain absolute NC and my BH is handling everything really well.

Initially BH did not want to expose my A--especially not until the court battle was over and mainly because he didn't want anyone to view OC differently. But now he knows we have to expose my A, but we don't know how. We want to tell our close friends and family in person, but they live all over the country. We have BH's family vacation coming up, which would be an ideal time to tell his side, but is that a bad idea to ruin the vacation with this news? Any advice on how to do the exposure would be helpful. I plan to be open, honest, and repentant--totally vulnerable. But the timing...I guess there's no such thing as "good" timing when exposing something like this...

So, is vacation time an okay time?

And if so, should we do it early or later on during that week?

Any other tips for how to say it?

I don't know that there is an opportune time to disclose this to family, wanthealing, but I would suggest you do it on this vacation and do it early in the week, for a few reasons:

1. Waiting too long will possibly tempt you to put it off entirely.

2. It's going to be weird/a shock/startling, etc., to process for his family. You can be there to answer questions after they've started processing it.

3. It'll give them a chance to look at OC in her 'new' family role. And that's not a negative. I don't mean OC is going to suddenly be alien to them, but now they'll have historical family knowledge that they'll need to alter.

4. It will give them a chance to watch you and H interact. They're more than likely going to follow his lead. When they see how comfortable he is, they will be comfortable.

Thanks, Marital. My in-laws are already so connected with the OC--they see her several times a week--that I really pray they don't turn their back on her. She adores them, and they adore her. I just hope that doesn't change.

And as for the rest of the long-distance family, while they don't see OC much, we still don't want a great divide in the family.

I appreciate the advice and will take it!

I have a feeling you're going to be happily surprised and relieved once you've gotten this behind you.

Casey Stengel, that brilliant manager of people, once said,

"The secret to being a successful manager is keeping the five guys who hate you away from the five who haven't made up their minds!"

Unless you're The Waltons (and they're off the air) you probably have a good idea of the sub-group that might be the ones who would have the most problems with this news. Accordingly, rather than make a all-inclusive broadcast to everyone, it might be easier and less disruptive to individually approach the more understanding members of your family, and get them on your side as the rest of the group is informed.

Most people would be flattered to know that they are trusted enough by you to help you, as in: "Sis, I have some news that might upset folks like Aunt Tillie, and it might be good if you helped me through this......"

Anyway, that's what I'd do, with my family.....

I don't think it is fair you tell your husbands parents on a vacation, you owe them the truth ahead of time. This will destroy them, probably break their hearts and cause a lot of sadness for your husband. You will be telling them, that no they aren't the grandparents of your child. Do you think really it is fair to do that on a vacation with them? I don't think a vacation is a good buffer. It will be for years pictures of it and remembrances of the vacation they found out.

If you must tell, then do it over the phone before, so that if they don't want to do a vacation with you after that, well, they actually have a say. Instead of springing it on them.

So, you should give your husbands parents privacy when telling them this, they may not want to see you for awhile, it will be a shock, a big one.

Simplylost, have you read this thread from the beginning?

Have you read the articles on this site?

Wanthealing,

Just a few questions before offering my opinion.

1. Do you love your OC?

2. Does your H love OC?

3. Do you love your H?

4. Does your H love you?

5. Although you both regret the affair, do either of you regret OC being in your life or loving OC?

OK, let me take a WILD GUESS and say the answer is YES to all of the above. Now when viewed in light to that answer, how do you think you and your H should approach this? Do you think it would be a downer for peoples vacation for them to know the answer to those 5 questions and that OC is really yours and your H's if not completely in biology?

I cannot say there won't be some gossip or even a negative reaction or two, but I would bet good money the only thing most would be bothered by is that you didn't trust them enough to tell them sooner. IF you and your H love that child my bet is that his family and your family will love that child.

Just my thoughts,

God Bless,

JL

PS: Tell the in-laws that see OC frequently now and then ask them them their advice. IF you can do it together and in person.

no I haven't but I think an article isn't necessary when telling grandparents that they aren't really the grandparents

I am sure they would still love her, but really they should be told, and I am sure their hearts will be broken. All this time they have been saying do you think they look like him or her, whos eyes do they have, all that.

I am sure they would not turn their backs on her, but the sooner you tell, and not while on vacation the better. Let them have some space after being told, they will be hurt.

If they see you are working on your marriage I am sure that will be a relief, but it is sad, they being told they aren't the grandparents, for them.

JustLearning, the answer is a definite resounding YES to all questions...except for #5 which the answer is no, we have no regrets about OC.

Vacation is next week, which is sooner than later, and it's only immediate family (in-laws and BH's brother and sister). We wanted to first tell BH's siblings (who live long-distance) and have them support us as we tell in-laws, since we're pretty sure they will be supportive. We think the in-laws may be more understanding if BH's siblings are there to help smooth things over. But I am concerned about them needing space afterwards...and I don't want to ruin their trip. But it's the only opportunity we'll all be together.

I wrote a very personal letter to each of them and planned to have them read it with me and BH there to answer questions afterward. While I hope they can forgive, ultimately my BH is my future, not everyone else. And my BH is more the OC's daddy than anyone else, so their role as grandparents is not changing unless they want it to. So my focus is not in telling them that they're not OC's grandparents; my focus is telling them that I failed my marital vows but I am dedicated to putting my hubby first now and forever. And that BH and I are finally treating each other with love for the first time since we've been married. I feel like we've watched a miracle as our marriage has healed.

They are absolutely this child's grandparents.

You said they weren't, I am confused. If you had this child with the OM then how can your husbands parents be the grandparents? What is an OC? If this wasn't written in code it would be easier to follow, sorry. If they are the grandparents then why would you be worried they wouldn't want to see the child? I am confused.

S/L - The reference to the in-laws being the OC's grandparents is an allusion that "family" is not dependent on DNA. If the Grandparents accept the child as their grandchild, that is the end of all discussion.

Simplylost, please read the articles on this site and let us know on your own thread if you have any questions about Marriage Builders concepts.

(simply, if you are that confused, I think it would be best to bow out of this thread now and look for some others. Hint: you are committing some ettiquette faux pas. There's a person here with some real hurts who needs delicate and experienced help.)

IMO, I would not tell them on the vacation. I would tell them NOW - via conference call - and give them the opportunity to digest this. This also gives them the option of not coming on the vacation if that is their choice.

I don't suggest telling them AFTER either, because they will resent that you allowed the charade to go on in their presence without telling them.

**Edited**

This is why I am thinking they need to tell them BEFORE the vacation. Give them time to get over the shock alone and let them get used to the idea. Hopefully by the time they DO get together, they will have recovered somewhat and can move forward.

OR, if they can't get over the shock, or don't want to, then they have the option of changing their vacation plans. If they are told while they are all on vacation, that puts them in the position of having to stay regardless of their feelings. That is why I say, tell them NOW and give them some time to digest the shock.

wanthealing, please do not make the mistake of telling the siblings BEFORE his mother and dad. Don't do that. They will see that as a double betrayal. They are his parents. They have a special relationship with you, your H, and their grandchild that is not shared by the siblings.

Tell them first. Tell them tonight. And let them tell the siblings if they want. But don't tell them while on vacation and most of all, don't tell them LAST. Tell them FIRST. Honor them by doing that. Do this with sensitivity by telling them NOW so they can deal with the shock ALONE and have a chance to digest it. I think doing this on vacation and telling the sibs FIRST will be adding unncessary insult to injury. You don't need that.

You know, I am a pretty forgiving person, but if my son and DIL lied to me about something like this I don't know if I would deal with it well.

His parents need to be handled with kid gloves here. They have been TRICKED into thinking this is their biological grandchild and now they are finding out otherwise. I don't like being tricked. Maybe they do, but I would have a hard time forgiving that.

ITA - I thought that the vacation was their first opportunity to talk to them. My thought is 'sooner rather than later.'

**edit**

I so agree. I would call them tonight and get this over. Give them time to digest it. And let THEM tell the other family members.

Man alive, this is a tough situation. I imagine his parents will WANT to be forgiving, that is why I am hoping they do this as thoughtfully as possible.

WH,

Can't say my experience is an exact fit, but when I finally got 95% of my life story as an OC, and could tell other people something other than a fiction composed of the lies I was told, it was liberating.

The only person who ever said anything negative about my OC origins was my MIL.

I think your telling the truth now will lessen the stress in your lives and in the long run provide a more healthy environment for OC.

God Bless
Gamma

That would feel like a SET UP to me and I would resent it. Having other people try to "smooth" me over would most definitely NOT go well. I would feel like you were playing me and trying to force me to feel a certain way. She may not choose to be "smoothed over."

wh, I can easily place myself in that boy's mother's situation and I am warning you not to do it this way. My boy is 28, just got married last October, so I can very much envision how I would react. It will be his mother who has the greatest emotional reaction, I predict. Be careful here. Don't try to smooth her over or manipulate her in any way. She will not appreciate it one bit.

She needs to be given time alone to digest this, and should be the first to find out that she has been tricked. She has the greatest emotional investment of all your in-laws, after all. Tell her FIRST. [or at the same time as your FIL]

ITA. Honesty is liberating. It was in my sitch - I was under the impression for 14 years that the man married to my mother was my father. I won't even get into the difficulty I had when I was told the truth at the terrible, in-between-age of 14.

I agree with you, Mel. I want to get this out now, but my BH is concerned about her health when we tell her. She has heart problems, severe anxiety, among other health issues that such news could put her in the hospital. BH keeps wanting to put it off until the "right time" but the right time to me is now. I'm tired of keeping this secret, but I don't want to put her in the hospital either.

If he is concerned, he needs to tell her NOW. Not later. That makes no sense to "put her in the hospital" during vacation.

wanthealing,

In my opinion, as a parent, I think Mel is dead on with this. Your inlaws need to know now. They need time to talk with you before the vacation. His siblings need to know as well, but NOT before your in-laws. Follow Mel's advice.

God Bless,

JL

PS: wanthealing, my list was meant for a purpose although I added #5 after the rest of it...sorry. This news can be presented in a positive way. Look at the questions. I know people will be hurt, or at least bothered, but if they realize that you and your H love one another and OC, they will come around. Give them the chance.