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You know, I am a pretty forgiving person, but if my son and DIL lied to me about something like this I don't know if I would deal with it well.
His parents need to be handled with kid gloves here. They have been TRICKED into thinking this is their biological grandchild and now they are finding out otherwise. I don't like being tricked. Maybe they do, but I would have a hard time forgiving that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is why I am thinking they need to tell them BEFORE the vacation. ITA - I thought that the vacation was their first opportunity to talk to them. My thought is 'sooner rather than later.'
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Last edited by MBLovebanker; 03/03/11 08:00 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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My thought is 'sooner rather than later.' I so agree. I would call them tonight and get this over. Give them time to digest it. And let THEM tell the other family members. Man alive, this is a tough situation. I imagine his parents will WANT to be forgiving, that is why I am hoping they do this as thoughtfully as possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WH,
Can't say my experience is an exact fit, but when I finally got 95% of my life story as an OC, and could tell other people something other than a fiction composed of the lies I was told, it was liberating.
The only person who ever said anything negative about my OC origins was my MIL.
I think your telling the truth now will lessen the stress in your lives and in the long run provide a more healthy environment for OC.
God Bless
Gamma
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We think the in-laws may be more understanding if BH's siblings are there to help smooth things over. That would feel like a SET UP to me and I would resent it. Having other people try to "smooth" me over would most definitely NOT go well. I would feel like you were playing me and trying to force me to feel a certain way. She may not choose to be "smoothed over." wh, I can easily place myself in that boy's mother's situation and I am warning you not to do it this way. My boy is 28, just got married last October, so I can very much envision how I would react. It will be his mother who has the greatest emotional reaction, I predict. Be careful here. Don't try to smooth her over or manipulate her in any way. She will not appreciate it one bit. She needs to be given time alone to digest this, and should be the first to find out that she has been tricked. She has the greatest emotional investment of all your in-laws, after all. Tell her FIRST. [or at the same time as your FIL]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
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WH,
Can't say my experience is an exact fit, but when I finally got 95% of my life story as an OC, and could tell other people something other than a fiction composed of the lies I was told, it was liberating.
The only person who ever said anything negative about my OC origins was my MIL.
I think your telling the truth now will lessen the stress in your lives and in the long run provide a more healthy environment for OC.
God Bless
Gamma ITA. Honesty is liberating. It was in my sitch - I was under the impression for 14 years that the man married to my mother was my father. I won't even get into the difficulty I had when I was told the truth at the terrible, in-between-age of 14.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I agree with you, Mel. I want to get this out now, but my BH is concerned about her health when we tell her. She has heart problems, severe anxiety, among other health issues that such news could put her in the hospital. BH keeps wanting to put it off until the "right time" but the right time to me is now. I'm tired of keeping this secret, but I don't want to put her in the hospital either. 
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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I agree with you, Mel. I want to get this out now, but my BH is concerned about her health when we tell her. She has heart problems, severe anxiety, among other health issues that such news could put her in the hospital. BH keeps wanting to put it off until the "right time" but the right time to me is now. I'm tired of keeping this secret, but I don't want to put her in the hospital either. If he is concerned, he needs to tell her NOW. Not later. That makes no sense to "put her in the hospital" during vacation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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wanthealing,
In my opinion, as a parent, I think Mel is dead on with this. Your inlaws need to know now. They need time to talk with you before the vacation. His siblings need to know as well, but NOT before your in-laws. Follow Mel's advice.
God Bless,
JL
PS: wanthealing, my list was meant for a purpose although I added #5 after the rest of it...sorry. This news can be presented in a positive way. Look at the questions. I know people will be hurt, or at least bothered, but if they realize that you and your H love one another and OC, they will come around. Give them the chance.
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