Found out 2 months ago my wife had an affair with my best freind, went on for the past year. In councelling but not sure if she truely wants to be or if she is going thru the motions. We have 2 kids at home and I just don't know what to do. I want to hold the family together but feel like I am the only one willing to try at this point. Is it possible after all this for our relationship not to go down the drain it is circling?
Found out 2 months ago my wife had an affair with my best freind, went on for the past year. In councelling but not sure if she truely wants to be or if she is going thru the motions. We have 2 kids at home and I just don't know what to do. I want to hold the family together but feel like I am the only one willing to try at this point. Is it possible after all this for our relationship not to go down the drain it is circling?
n76, so sorry to hear about the affair. You are in the right place. Most marriages do not ever recover from an affair. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are worse off than before. You don't have to be like that if you follow this program. What this program does is affair proofs your marriage and creates a romantic marriage to replace the bad marriage. There is a very strict path to recovery.
The first step is to end all contact for LIFE with the other man. Next step is to give you the entire truth about the affair. The conditions that allowed the affair to take place should be eliminated. Typically, cheaters have very poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex. Your wife allowed another man to meet her needs which is what led to this affair. So, once the marriage is affair proofed, all contact ended with the OM and the truth is all out there, the next step is to create a romantic marriage.
Has all contact ended with the OM? Is he married, and if so, has his wife been informed of the affair? Has the affair been exposed to your families and your children?
I am sorry to hear you are counseling, because it is so destructive to marriage that it typically causes more problems that it ever solves. Marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and actually have a higher divorce rate than the general population.
Welcome to MB, Sorry you are here. This is the BEST place to give you the BEST chance at saving your marriage.
PLEASE listen to the vets here, especially Melody Lane. You have to expose the affair to anyone with influence over your spouse .. family, friends, co-workers... etc.
Do you have evidence of the affair? Maybe put a keylogger on your home PC .. a VAR in the car and some spyware on her phone.
I would also get some of the good books Dr.Harley has to offer. Starting with SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. ALso read all you can here and vent and ask questions as you go along. We will be glad to help however we can.
I would also FIRE your MC and use the coaching center here. MUCH more value for your money. MC's have an 84% failure rate and as ML said the highest rate of divorce of any occupation.
She says all contact has ended but after all the lies it's hard to believe anything she says right now. OM is in the middle of a nasty divorce because his wife found out the same time I did. Everyone knows, her family, my family, our kids are very young and do not know. I am trying to hold this thing together but I think she is more broken about giving up the OM than helping our family heal.
She says all contact has ended but after all the lies it's hard to believe anything she says right now.
You are wise to not believe her. A better approach is to spy on her to make sure she is not in contact. If she is this foggy 2 months after the affair, then she is probably in contact. I would slip some spyware on her phone that has a built in GPS along with a keylogger on her computer and a VAR in her car. You should not believe a word she says.
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OM is in the middle of a nasty divorce because his wife found out the same time I did.
Have you personally spoken to his wife about this affair?
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Everyone knows, her family, my family, our kids are very young and do not know. I am trying to hold this thing together but I think she is more broken about giving up the OM than helping our family heal.
In all this I do know that I did not meet her Emotional needs and that I did contribute to what happened. I don't want to come to this forum and make it sound like I did not play a part in what happened. I do have the book listed above and I am reading them and applying them to my life. I am trying to change into the husband she needs and wants in life. I just don't know how long it will take her to come out of the fog and see what she is truely on the verge of loosing.
p.s. I would run to the bookstore and get this book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. That is the best book I have ever found about affairs. It gives you a solid plan to turn your marriage around. It is short, sweet and very action oriented.
Here is Harley's plan for recovery in a nutshell:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
In all this I do know that I did not meet her Emotional needs and that I did contribute to what happened. I don't want to come to this forum and make it sound like I did not play a part in what happened. I do have the book listed above and I am reading them and applying them to my life. I am trying to change into the husband she needs and wants in life. I just don't know how long it will take her to come out of the fog and see what she is truely on the verge of loosing.
The fog will go away a few weeks after contact ends. This is why it is so important to find out if she is still in contact.
The major contributor to the affair is her loose boundaries around men. Is that being addressed? If that is not addressed and corrected, she will have other affairs, no matter how well you meet her needs. Unmet needs do not cause affairs, loose boundaries DO.
The accountability for her time has definatly changed. I told her if she wants to stay in our home she needs to be accountable to our family for her time. I do know that is hard for her but she knows thats the only way.
The accountability for her time has definatly changed. I told her if she wants to stay in our home she needs to be accountable to our family for her time. I do know that is hard for her but she knows thats the only way.
She goes out without you? Do you have separate leisure lifestyles?
Our councelors plan as of now is for alot of prayer and scripture along with looking at the root problems that were present prior to the affair.
I agree that prayer and scripture is much needed, but more importantly, a plan to recover your marriage has to be in place. Having no plan is a plan to fail.
Looking at past problems is a distraction from creating a great marriage and tends to keep you both angry. Harley does not do this because it only further kills the love in a already crippled marriage to sit around and discuss grievances. Couples leave counseling more angry than when they arrived.
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client.."
A better plan is to practice new behaviors that will turn your marriage around and leave past grievances in the past. That means eliminating lovebusters, meeting each others emotional needs and spending 20+ hours of undivided attention each week. It is real important to create an interdependent, romantic relationship after an affair. It doesn't look like your counselor has a plan to do that.
The key to creating a great marriage is scheduling 20+ hours a week of UA time. You can't transform your marriage without that step.
The accountability for her time has definatly changed. I told her if she wants to stay in our home she needs to be accountable to our family for her time. I do know that is hard for her but she knows thats the only way.
This sets off my alarms. Is she gone so much that this is a big deal? And why would that ever be hard for her? My husband and I know where each other is all day long every day and it is not hard at all. We talk on the phone 4 to 5 times while we are at work and send each other text messages. We are apart while we are at work but together all the rest of the time. Are you apart more than that? Do you go out without each other?
She says all contact has ended but after all the lies it's hard to believe anything she says right now. OM is in the middle of a nasty divorce because his wife found out the same time I did.
This is concerning because OM may now feel that he can continue to pursue your WW because he is getting divorced. Has he moved out of the marital home?
We maybe can in the future, right now I am reluctant because I don't know a this point how long I wait for her to come around or I'd she even will. Right now her attitude is bad and she is acting like the victim in all this. She tells me I have no idea what she is going thru. I may not know what she is going thru but I don't think she knows the hell I am going thru right now. I don't know if anyone here has seen anything like this before? Why would she be the cold and acting like a spoiled little kid that just got her curfew moved up an hour. I know this didn't all take a day to happen and it's not going to be fixed in a day either. Just hard to have any hope when she is acting this way towards me.
We maybe can in the future, right now I am reluctant because I don't know a this point how long I wait for her to come around or I'd she even will. Right now her attitude is bad and she is acting like the victim in all this. She tells me I have no idea what she is going thru. I may not know what she is going thru but I don't think she knows the hell I am going thru right now. I don't know if anyone here has seen anything like this before? Why would she be the cold and acting like a spoiled little kid that just got her curfew moved up an hour. I know this didn't all take a day to happen and it's not going to be fixed in a day either. Just hard to have any hope when she is acting this way towards me.
Please listen to this radio clip of Dr. Harley advising them to move away from her WH's OW.
I did confront him when it first came to out. That was not easy, it took all I had to not punch him in his lying POS mouth. I have a tracker on the vehicle and so far it checks out (past 3 weeks). But it still will not let my guard down not after all this BS that those two selfish idiots have put our filies thru. The best part I forgot to mention is that my wife was "friends" with his wife. We hung out as couples normally do. I just still can't believe that they were capable of this for the past year. I also did not mention earlier that when this all did hit the fan I kicked her out of the house and took away the bank accounts. After she had been gone a month she tells me she wants to come home for our family and our marriage. Like an idiot I helped her move back from her rental (where I am sure the affair continued) once she's allowed in she tells me she's back for the kids. It seems like mixed messages every day of the week. Last night I thru a financial settlement in front of her and we agreed to be done because I was sick of all the games. Yet this morning before I canceled our marriage counceling she tells me she wants to go to counceling so we go. I don't know if she is trying make me go crazy or if she is confused. I think her only motivation right now is the kids, not me and our marriage. I don't know if she will snap out of it in time, but I can't live in limbo forever.
. I have a tracker on the vehicle and so far it checks out (past 3 weeks).
That GPS will not pick up phone and text and email contact. And it would be real easy to circumvent a GPS by having the OM pick her up. I am telling you, she is still in contact. You just need to dig it out. It is there.
Hi Ng, Welcome to MB you have received great advice so far and are in good hands. Both ML & BH have been a great source of advice and support for me.
Unfortunately as you read other threads you will discover all waywards behave the same and many stories are similar, only the characters change. There are 2 threads which may help you understand (if thats possible)the foggy wayward behaviour:
"Never take the word of a wayward" and "Anger and affairs"
WS all re write history, demonise and accuse the BS of all sorts of "crimes". A helpful piece of advice quoted from Scotty (the Plan B Queen):
"Now, you don't engage a wayward because you can't educate a wayward, everything they think is always right. And when you argue with them, you run the risk of LBing, sure, but they also LB you, and your LB$ takes a ding. Also, when you engage a wayward, you give them ammo for their entitlement. They already think that you are the enemy, and by engaging, you put yourself firmly in that position. Also, affairs thrive on DRAMA, and you feed the big bad hairy affair monster by giving it more drama. That's it in a nutshell."
Why don't you contact the MB coaching centre here at MB? They will do you much more good than your counsellor. Even if you just contact them to begin with...
Snooped around on her phone last night. She must have texted the OM. I don't know what she sent, she deleted it but his reponse kind of let me know what she said to him. alot of "why are you going back to him" and "I think you are using God as an excuse to go back" another comment was "you said you want to be with me before but your actions sure are not showing it now" sounds like he is a little angry to say the least. I hope he now knows what it feels like to be rejected by her. Don't worry I am not letting my guard down on my WW, trust is a very long ways off.
MelodyLane, you were right, they were still in contact thru texting, I am going to see if she tells me about this or do you think I should tell her I read it and see what she says?
OM was my former "freind" he is in the middle of a nasty divorce.
Everyone knows, and I mean everyone. His wife blew the top off it, called his whole family and told them what he told her. I think everyone in the tri-county area knows at this point.
OM was my former "freind" he is in the middle of a nasty divorce.
Everyone knows, and I mean everyone. His wife blew the top off it, called his whole family and told them what he told her. I think everyone in the tri-county area knows at this point.
Did she write a NC letter to him? What was your condition if she broke NC?
She has'nt written a NC letter, she just found out about 10 minutes ago that I checked her phone. She told me to be happy he is letting her go and is unhappy with her. I am sure I made her upset but like I just told her, "you would be checking my phone if you were in my shoes". I told her that I am sorry for checking the phone, I am sure your mad but the future of our family is riding on this and we can not go forward with secrets, lies or half truths. I am sick of all this BS and about ready to say here ya go, heres the divorce you want have a nice life. And by the way don't ask to come over and see the kids when it is my week with them, you already have taken enough away from me.
She has'nt written a NC letter, she just found out about 10 minutes ago that I checked her phone. She told me to be happy he is letting her go and is unhappy with her. I am sure I made her upset but like I just told her, "you would be checking my phone if you were in my shoes". I told her that I am sorry for checking the phone, I am sure your mad but the future of our family is riding on this and we can not go forward with secrets, lies or half truths. I am sick of all this BS and about ready to say here ya go, heres the divorce you want have a nice life. And by the way don't ask to come over and see the kids when it is my week with them, you already have taken enough away from me.
Do not tell her you're sorry for checking her phone. Tell her you will do whatever it takes to fight for your marriage but that you will not have 3 in your marriage.
Tell her you wouldn't have to check her phone if she wasn't cheating.
You don't Your feelings are all over right now so don't threaten D unless you're ready for a D.
OM was my former "freind" he is in the middle of a nasty divorce.
Everyone knows, and I mean everyone. His wife blew the top off it, called his whole family and told them what he told her. I think everyone in the tri-county area knows at this point.
It's still worth doing your own targeted exposure with the goal of getting people to help you hold your W accountable for her actions. OMW sounds like she did her exposure as a knee jerk reaction in anger. While that is better than nothing, a calm, targeted exposure will definitely help.
Your W still sees the A as a positive. She won't come around while she has this attitude.
yes, I have the book. I think I need to read it again. I don't want a divorce I just feel that my whole future is out of my control and it sucks. I don't know if this is so fresh that I am seeking a quick resolution (which I do know is impossible) I just want to fast forward a few months and look at where we will be at. It is hard to endure when I feel like the only one in the fight for our marriage right now.
yes, I have the book. I think I need to read it again. I don't want a divorce I just feel that my whole future is out of my control and it sucks. I don't know if this is so fresh that I am seeking a quick resolution (which I do know is impossible) I just want to fast forward a few months and look at where we will be at. It is hard to endure when I feel like the only one in the fight for our marriage right now.
Do you remember John and Sue?
The things she did to John? She moved out and moved in with OM and didn't move back until OM dumped her and the affair died a natural death. In the mean time John had to go into Plan B.
She didn't apologize when she moved back in with John. John had to go into Plan B. They are recovered now in a very loving marriage.
I know it's hard. Have you been to the doctor to get some AD's? How are you sleeping? Eating? Exercising? How's your support system IRL?
I am on AD, sleep is getting better and appetite has come back. I need to exersize to improve my mental state, right now I am at the point my dr. is teling me DO NOT loose any more weight. I have alot of good christian freinds and family that are praying for us and being supportive. The support is not very good for her right now, she has lost almost all her freinds and family thru this. I am trying to do anything I can to help and support her and build the love bank balance but right now the teller window is closed for my deposits. I pray with time and seperation from the OM her eyes will be opened to what she truely has in front of her. I will definetly reread the John and sue story tonight
n76. In that case you are going to have to run that loser out of town. Expose the continued contact to anyone that has any influence on your WW AND the OM. Since he is your ex friend, you must know many people who would have influence on OM.
Ask for their support to save your family and keep OM away from your WW.
Also make sure to let OM BW know that OM is STILL trying to break up your family. It sounds like BW will have no problem letting people know what a scumbag he really is.
He seems very predatory and you need to start to fight for your family.
Are you sure that you can't move? Is a divorce easier than moving? Every time your WW runs into OM her feelings for him will be reignited. An affair is an addiction.
Originally Posted by Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
Don't be afraid of your WW's anger and never apologize for standing up for your marriage and family. Expect the anger and do not engage in it.
My requirements if I understand the question correct are she can not have contact with him anymore in any way. I have a timeline in my mind that I believe is realistic, if she can't start to come around or show effort by then I think it is divorce time. I need to look out for me in all this to. I know that sounds selfish, but I am still young, have a great job and have a very easy financial life. I am willing to fight for this but I need to be realalistic and know that this may not work out. If it does'nt I have confidence in myself that I am a good guy, I have always treated my wife right, I have never been unfaithful in my marriage or dating years. I know at this point I need to be the best husband I can and show her I love her but ultimatly it is up to her to let her guard down and let me into her life again.
The bad part is that looser owns a business and I am sure he wont move. I have already knocked some of his customer base away due to my career and influnce I have in the community and local industry. I know his BW is bad mouthing him all over town but I guess he has it coming, you reep what you sow right?
I don't want a divorce I just feel that my whole future is out of my control and it sucks. I don't know if this is so fresh that I am seeking a quick resolution (which I do know is impossible) I just want to fast forward a few months and look at where we will be at. It is hard to endure when I feel like the only one in the fight for our marriage right now
n76, we have all felt like that. i remember all too well being on that rollercoaster with someone else at the controls. it does suck. massively. you are normal feeling this way, so don't panic.
Originally Posted by n76
I have a timeline in my mind that I believe is realistic, if she can't start to come around or show effort by then I think it is divorce time. I need to look out for me in all this to. I know that sounds selfish, but I am still young, have a great job and have a very easy financial life. I am willing to fight for this but I need to be realalistic and know that this may not work out.
ok, you're probably not going to like this part. for a marriage to recover, BOTH parties need to be giving it their all. yes, it is incredibly unfair that the BS is the one to do all the giving in the beginning. it DOES change, if your WW is willing. she is not willing right now - we get that. no WS is willing at the beginning because they are in the grips of the obsession/fog. but if you keep demonstrating that you are 100% committed, and she goes NC, you will have a fighting chance. i'm not going to ask if you want that right now, because no BS really knows what they want in the first few months. it's all pain, pain, pain. but you're willingness to stay and fight for the M helps get your WW out of the fog and into your M. if you approach her with the "i'll do it, but only until X day, when i'm divorcing your @ss," you will not get a repentant spouse or a recovered M. you may *feel* that way, but you shouldn't express it. your feelings are going to change a lot over the coming months. sometimes, it's best to just not talk about them w/the WW - that's what we're here for.
Thanks for the advice, I think you are 100% right. She does not know I have a date set in my mind at this point and I know I cant tell her that either.
I appreciate all the support I have found here, I don't have anyone to really pour it out to right now, especially to her. I appreciate the honest up front advice you are all giving. thank you all so much.
I know at this point I need to be the best husband I can and show her I love her but ultimatly it is up to her to let her guard down and let me into her life again.
Your WW is an addict. You need to take control of the steering wheel and pull her out of this. WW cannot do it on her own.
Tell WW that this is what it will take to keep YOU in this marriage:
1. NCL handwritten by WW and given to you to approve and mail. NCL Samples<<<<<click on link
2. Commit to NC for LIFE with OM and immediately informing you of any attempts at contact by OM. 3. Complete transparency of her life including phones, passwords, computers, etc. 4. No opposite sex friendships 5. No overnights apart 6. Follow the policy of joint agreement (POJA) 7. Commit to MB recovery program
If WW will not commit to your requirements, then you will need to ask WW to leave. You stay in the home and the kids stay with you.
How do you feel about OM becoming stepdad? It sounds like this is the direction OM is trying to take.
EXPOSE the continued contact!
You are going to have to get your WW away from OM. Figure out how you can move.
n76. Your story is the same as mine. I recovered my marriage with the MB principles. But I had to pick up the tools and use them. I had to fight for my family. The thought of exfriend OW possibly becoming my kids stepmother gave me the strength to fight. That was going to happen over my dead body.
That thought almost made me put my fist thru the monitor, I agree with you, over my dead body! I am going to tell everyone including his pastor and whole family that he is contacting her. I will find his pressure points and use them, I will fight for my wife and family.
You have to take control here n76. Remember WW is an addict. Don't let some POSOM steal your life.
Here is an excellent post from Pepperband on the carrot and stick of Plan A. Without the stick it is Plan doormat.
Originally Posted by Pepperband
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
MelodyLane, you were right, they were still in contact thru texting, I am going to see if she tells me about this or do you think I should tell her I read it and see what she says?
I would not wait a second for her to tell you. I would confront her and DEMAND that she end all contact and fix it so he can't contact her. Preferably by exchanging phones or cancelling that phone #. This is hopeless as long as she leaves that door open.
I would then pay a visit to that RAT and let him know it is over and he is to never contact her again. I would also contact his parents and family members and ask them to keep that RAT scum out of your family. Does the OM have a facebook page?
See, OM are weasel cowards who are easily run off. He won't like the conflict and will cry like a little gurl if you rattle his cage.
[ n76. In that case you are going to have to run that loser out of town. Expose the continued contact to anyone that has any influence on your WW AND the OM. Since he is your ex friend, you must know many people who would have influence on OM.
Pokerface is right, you need to run that POSOM off. Make his life a living hell. And in the meantime, tell your wife that phone # needs to be cancelled so that POS can't call her again. No contact is a BASIC extraordinary precaution that is NOT NEGOTIABLE. NOT NEGOTIABLE. There should be absolutely no way he can get through to her.
Do you know how I knew she was still in contact? It is not because I am psychic, but because your wife is TOO FOGGY for someone who supposedly ended contact. I COULD TELL. It is like watching a falling down drunk. A falling down drunk has obviously not been sober for 2 months. Same thing with adulterers. They aren't fogged out at 2 months if they have ended all contact. They are fogged out if they haven't.
Evry time she has contact with him, she is put back to day 1 of withdrawal and so are you.
STEP ONE is no contact. You can't go onto the next steps until all contact ends. As you can see, you have been spinning your wheels here because contact never ended.
That thought almost made me put my fist thru the monitor, I agree with you, over my dead body! I am going to tell everyone including his pastor and whole family that he is contacting her. I will find his pressure points and use them, I will fight for my wife and family.
Or worse imagine your OM addicted WW allowing OM to watch your children while she is out. The statistics are not good for step-parent abuse of non-biological children.
You need to add workplace exposure of OM, this OM is at war with your children.
Took your advice just sent that POS OM a text message:
told him to leave my wife and family alone, just because you have a few too many and are feeling sorry for yourself you dont need to send stupid little text messages to MY wife. Told him I would take this to any level he wants, and that if he thinks he has it bad now go ahead and see where I will take it if he continues. Told him my family was not his concern.
After I sent it I got no response so I texted him another message to him saying "Still not man enough to respond, I am not suprised. Thought you have have something to say I know how much you like to text.
I will not back down on that POS OM and I am not afraid to let him know!
Pepper band, Thanks for the great links, The first one is great!
Also Thanks Melodylane, Took your advice and confronted my wife about the text. Not too impressed with her response, more of a I would have told you but had'nt yet BS response. She said he is mad at her and done with her and that I should be happy.
What a line of CRAP, What a line of self-centered self-pity. Unbelievable how a WW can be so self centered and coming from a person that claims to hate drama. Please, hate drama, you are the script writer for this little POS soap opera that you have written with the OM that our familys are now actors and actress in.
After the fog lifts can waywards truely see clearly, with how far she is gone I can't imagine at this point how much she would need to change to even be a decent person. I guess I am just jadded after finding out the past year has all been a lie.
I think in my opion and I may be wrong but, is some of their anger the fact that everyone knows the fact that they are a liar and should not be trusted?
The fact that everyone who once looked up to them is now looking down at them?
The fact that there lies have all been thrown out on the table for everyone to view and judge them on and be right in doing so?
I suppose they may feel like it's and autopsy of themselves with everyone watching, no privacy and completely exposed for the public viewing.
I don't know maybe just random thoughts but thats what I came up with if I were to put myself into my WW shoes so to speak. I don't know if I would even be able to look anyone in the eyes.
The anger plays several key roles for a wayward. It is a sign that they are still in contact, first off. It serves to keep you at arms length and serves another purpose of baiting you into fights. If she can bait oyu into a fight, she can effectively demonize you while distracting you from her shabby behavior. Anger is a BIG2F [buy one get two free] for a wayward.
My concern here is that there is no plan for recovery. Having no plan is a plan to fail. Can you sign up for the MB course? Many of us are in transformed marriages due to that course. They assign you a coach who oversees your weekly lessons. you have daily access to Dr Harley.
I fear you are going to continue to flounder without a plan and without your wife being serious. She is not serious and has been in touch with the OM.
What is she doing to ensure there is never contact again? That will continue to be a problem until it is resolved.
She went out with girls Friday night, got home at 3am woke me up just to try and start a fight. Told me she called him and broke it off, I think that is the 6th time now.
I finished the financial settlement, going to see if she will sign it. I am seeing no effort on her part and she wants to come and go as she pleases. I am going to tell her to look for her own place at this point. I have too much to offer to keep wasting my time with her.
That thought almost made me put my fist thru the monitor, I agree with you, over my dead body! I am going to tell everyone including his pastor and whole family that he is contacting her. I will find his pressure points and use them, I will fight for my wife and family.
She went out with girls Friday night, got home at 3am woke me up just to try and start a fight. Told me she called him and broke it off, I think that is the 6th time now.
I finished the financial settlement, going to see if she will sign it. I am seeing no effort on her part and she wants to come and go as she pleases. I am going to tell her to look for her own place at this point. I have too much to offer to keep wasting my time with her.
I agree you should ask her to move out. The affair is still going strong and she has no intention of recovering your marriage.
I sat down with her yesterday and told her that I am ok if we divorce. I told her to start looking for her own place because I am not going to do this anymore.
This morning she came to me and told me that she does not want a divorce. She said she will write the no contact letter and be accountable to her family for her time.
I don't know what to think at this point, I don't know if reality just kicked her in the head, or if she had to see that I was'nt going to put up with it anymore.
I sat down with her yesterday and told her that I am ok if we divorce. I told her to start looking for her own place because I am not going to do this anymore.
Great job n76.
Originally Posted by n76
This morning she came to me and told me that she does not want a divorce. She said she will write the no contact letter and be accountable to her family for her time.
Did you see this post from the 23 May?
Originally Posted by pokerface
Your WW is an addict. You need to take control of the steering wheel and pull her out of this. WW cannot do it on her own.
Tell WW that this is what it will take to keep YOU in this marriage:
1. NCL handwritten by WW and given to you to approve and mail. NCL Samples<<<<<click on link
2. Commit to NC for LIFE with OM and immediately informing you of any attempts at contact by OM. 3. Complete transparency of her life including phones, passwords, computers, etc. 4. No opposite sex friendships 5. No overnights apart 6. Follow the policy of joint agreement (POJA) 7. Commit to MB recovery program
If WW will not commit to your requirements, then you will need to ask WW to leave. You stay in the home and the kids stay with you.
Originally Posted by n76
I don't know what to think at this point, I don't know if reality just kicked her in the head, or if she had to see that I was'nt going to put up with it anymore.
I told her of the analogy that came to me the other, I don't know why I thought of this but it made sense to me.
I have been standing at a Y in the road for 2 months now, it is hailing out very hard, and I am cold and wet. I know that at the end of both the roads ahead of me there are shelters. The shelters are warm, maybe a nice roaring fire in the fireplace.
I dont know which shelter is farther away. The shelter that my wife is in waiting for me or the shelter that I may occupy alone. I know that I will need to walk in the hail storm and endure cold and wet until I get to a shelter.
But I do need to start walking to a shelter and stop standing and enduring the storm with my hands in my pockets.
I told her of the analogy that came to me the other, I don't know why I thought of this but it made sense to me.
I have been standing at a Y in the road for 2 months now, it is hailing out very hard, and I am cold and wet. I know that at the end of both the roads ahead of me there are shelters. The shelters are warm, maybe a nice roaring fire in the fireplace.
I dont know which shelter is farther away. The shelter that my wife is in waiting for me or the shelter that I may occupy alone. I know that I will need to walk in the hail storm and endure cold and wet until I get to a shelter.
But I do need to start walking to a shelter and stop standing and enduring the storm with my hands in my pockets.
That is an awesome analogy N76. But it doesn't mention the huge boulder (OM proximity) in the road to the shelter where your WW is. Waywards are notorious for laying low until the dust settles and let's face it OM has nothing to lose at this point since his BW is divorcing him. OM has already shown you that he has no problem continuing to pursue your WW. How are you going to ensure NC when OM lives 8 miles away.
You also need a map aka a PLAN to get to one of the shelters...either a marriage recovery Plan or a D Plan. Have you read SAA yet?
As you can see I have not posted here in a few months, heres the update.
She has finally pulled her head out of her "behind" and come to the realization that the OM was, and is a POS. She is seeing him for what he truely is, a coward and selfish individual only ever intreasted in on thing. I exposed the heck out of this, his wife divorced his looser A$$.
My wife stopped responding to his texts shortly after my last posting and then showed them all to me after that if he would text her.
He was patetically grabbing at straws and trying to guilt her to be with him since he was now divorced. She now sees what she meant to him, he moved right along with another woman within 1 week of my wife cutting all contact with him. He has put his kids last and his "mommy" yes his mother watches his kids so he can run around and act like a little 18 year old dating. His mom even cleans his house because he is that big of a POS and apparently she is an enabler.
I am happy to say that we are going to councelling once a week and meeting each others needs more than ever now. The advice I have been given here was always right on the money. It was VERY evident when her fog finally lifted and she saw what she was about to lose.
You are in the right place. Most marriages do not ever recover from an affair. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are worse off than before. You don't have to be like that if you follow this program. What this program does is affair proofs your marriage and creates a romantic marriage to replace the bad marriage. There is a very strict path to recovery. 
LOVE IT!!!