I replied to the Exposure thread, but it's from 2011 so I don't know if anyone will reply so I'm posting this here too.

Hello,I haven't told my story yet, but will soon. I'm new at marriage builders so I am just now reading about exposure. My husband left me over 7 months ago for a woman that he was having an affair with for over a year before he left. Is it ever too late to expose? Should I inform his affair partner's friends and family even though they know him, but may not know how the two of them got together? Will this just cause me more harm or will it help? I feel like at this point I really do not have much to lose since he has been gone so long.

I would like to send out private messages to her family and friends on Facebook, but I'm worried I will look like a crazy person who is desperate and just can't let go of her husband. Also what do you think about me putting a picture of them two together and running it through my Facebook feed for all of my friends and his mutual family and friends to see? I can post a message above it for all to see. Will I look desperate and will people feel sorry for me? Need some good advice. Thank you.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read these? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Barbie,

Do the cops not bust a bank robber when they crack the case one year later? You might forget a bank that that was robbed down the block a year ago, but no one forgets infidelity even if it was 25 years ago.

Yes expose suddenly, massively and without warning or threats.

God Bless
Gamma

HI Gamma,
How do I keep from looking pathetic and needy though?

Your fighting for your marriage... What's pathetic and needed about that? Stop worrying about how you will look. If you want to save the marriage, put it in front of how you might look to others, including WS.

When you follow the Plan you won't look pathetic. If you follow the templates in the exposure thread you will look like you have boundaries and that's not pathetic.

Also, Dr. Harley says it doesn't matter how long in the past an affair may occur, it should always be exposed.

Barbie,

You wrote, HI Gamma, How do I keep from looking pathetic and needy though?

By not being pathetic, but rather doing it because you have the moral conviction that Adultery is wrong, and it becomes even more wrong when good persons say nothing. By saying nothing you are supporting the affair. Not to mention that many, at least those with morals, will respect you for what you have done.

Expose the OW first, you already know who to expose to on WHs side and can do them as a second pass. But be sure to do your homework and research the OWs contact completely.

Is WH still married to you? Do you have children?

If so word the exposure letter to put emphasis on the fact that OW committed ADULTERY with childs names daddy. All you have to do is state the facts no calling names.

When people who are bullied, abused or have personal issues come forth and speak out they are more likely to be viewed as brave. At the very least it will be liberate you from having to keep silent.

God Bless
Gamma

Before I even read this reply I did it. I sent a letter to all of the OW contacts as a private message on FB. However, the messages are sent to the "other folder" instead of the inbox so I don't know when they will see it since it doesn't notify them with a red flag in the top left corner of FB when they have a message. Facebook wanted me to pay a $1.00 for each one that I wanted delivered to the actual inbox instead of the other folder. I discovered the other folder by accident a few weeks ago and it had tons of messages in it that were a year or more older. Is there another method to use to ensure they are notified?

Also, I forgot to say that before I sent the exposure letter I created another Facebook account in my name with no friends in it. I used that account to send the exposure letter. I put a picture of the two of them as my Facebook cover and also the two of them as my profile picture. LOL

Imagine the look on the people I notified when they read the letter and clicked on the profile picture to see my account.

Yes, pay the $1 so it goes to their inboz. They will never see things sent to their spam box.


My suggestion would be to change your profile pic to one of you and hubby and then post the pic of the two of them on your facebook page, leaving it open so they can see it.

Imagine the look on the people I notified when they read the letter and clicked on the profile picture to see my account. [/quote]

Melody Lane,
How long were you and your Husband separated before you got back together. Where can I read your story?

We were never separated. You can go back and read my old posts by clicking on my name and then "view posts."

You can go back and read my old posts...

Uhhhh, all 70,000? I think we need a "Cliff's Notes" abridgment!

Gamma,
I exposed the affair to many people in her contact list. I don't have any children, but I created a FB page and put my picture and his picture in the profile and also on the big Facebook cover. That way when the people in the contact list see it, they can click on my profile that will lead them to the page with our pictures.

Most of the people where people she new in another state and in the area. At this point I don't care who knows since many of them will talk about it. Her family seems kind of trashy so I don't there is anyone there who will try and convince her how wrong this is and break them up. I'm hoping some of her friends will.

Anyway, she had the nerve to retaliate and put some quote as her profile about relationships to justify their affair. My husband even clicked on "Like." That's so unbelievable to me. I don't even recognize him anymore.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you.

This is typical Wayward fogbabble. They are trying to justify their affair. Don't listen.

Did you expose to her parents?

No, I didn't expose it to her Mom. I don't know where her Dad is or who he is. Her Mom looks like the type that wouldn't be phased by it all. She looks like white trash so I didn't even bother. I regret it, but it's too late now.

Hello,
I have made a few comments here and there in this forum, but I haven't posted my story yet. My husband left me for another woman 8 months ago and I am just as depressed as I was when it first happened. I am very unhappy. I take meds, but they don't work. I have tried to move on, but I'm so unhappy and miserable, especially on the weekends. The weekends are the abosolute worst.

Anyway, my husband and I were married 18 years and were together 21 years. 8 months ago he told me he lost his connection to me and didn't know if he would ever get it back. He said I began neglecting him because I was stressed out over the business. Basically, he said it was a combination of everything. We are in debt and our businss started failing about 4 years ago (after the banking crisis). I basically let stress take over my life. We did lose our intimacy so most of what he said is true. However, a month after he left I finally got him to admit that he was seeing someone. He said he had been seeing another a woman he used to know in highschool for a little over a year and she was showing signs of ending it with him because he was still with me. I guess that's why he decided to leave because he didn't want to lose her. He said she makes him happy and they click. They have things in common. When he told me who she was I went to her Facebook page and she had something on it about him being her "soulmate." Ugh.

The shocker is that this woman used to be the highschool s*ut and also lived in his old neighborhood when he was a kid. He and his buddies used to make fun of her because she slept with so many guys. Imagine my shock when I found out he left me for her? His friends think he has lost his ever loving mind. I have no self esteem left. When I go out in this small community I feel like everyone is looking at me and I worry I will run into to the two of them.

I have never felt so low about myself. At one point back in late December I got so upset that I sent her a private message telling her how her and my husband should be ashamed of themselves and that she is taking part in destroying a marriage and another person. She had no guilt whatsover. She then wrote back and told me she wasn't the first woman he slept with in our marraige. I did know about a fling he had 12 years ago, but he said he never slept with her and that it was a brief EA affair (which I really don't believe). However, when I confronted him about what she said, he said yes, he had slept with someone a few times about 5 years ago. He blamed it on me because he said I wasn't given him enough sex. I will admit that our sex life wasn't that good for the last 6 years or so, but I still don't think he should have left me this way. He should have talked to me when we both were calm and not arguing. But instead he has an affair and then leaves me. I have never, ever felt anguish like this before. I sometimes feel like I want to die.

My problem now is that about 2 months ago I found out from MB that you are supposed to expose the affair immediately after discovery. However, I didn't know that until I stumbled onto this site a few months ago. Once I learned of this through this site, I did send an exposure letter to about 30 of her Facebook friends and family, but of course this was about 6 months after discovery so it's wasn't immediate. Is it too late and are they too entrenched into the affair now since this summer will be 2 years they have been together? Remember, I said he told me they had been seeing each other a little over a year before he left me and he left me 8 months ago. By my calculations that means they will have been having the affair for almost two years this summer.

He said he wanted a divorce and hasn't changed his mind since he left. However, he contacts me all the time during the week and before the last 2 months (before I went into Plan B) was coming by the house once a week to see me. Anywyay, before I discoverd plan A and B stuff, I broke down and cried and tried to get him back. Right now I am in Plan B and have been for 2 months. An incident happened (too long to tell about it), that made me go into plan B. He tries to have friendly chit chat with me through e-mails, but I only stick to business through e-mails only. We have to have contact right now because we have a business together. I guess you could say we are in minimal contact. I really need some good advice from people on this site. Thank you so much.

P.S. We have no children.

Also, is there a thread on this MB forum just for spouses who have been left for the OP? I see a lot dicussion on this site about affairs, but the spouse hasn't left the other spouse for the other person.

Barbie

Welcome Barbie.

So sorry for your pain.

A couple of things. Good job on exposing the OW, but besides her friends did you expose to her parents?

Also who did you expose to on your WH's side? Did you expose to your children? How about his parents and siblings? Who on your side?

Also, sorry but you aren't in Plan B. Plan B is never to have communication with your WH except through an IM. Who is your IM?

Last, what self-care are you doing? Eating, sleeping, working out?

Please read all links in here. How to Plan B Correctly

I have to have minimal contact while we work on getting my name off the business. There isn't a way around it. I don't know who her parents are. Her Mom looks like a low life and I have been told that woman doesn't have any moral either. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess. It would be a waste of time to tell her.

You don't know how people will respond.

Does she have her mom as a contact on Facebook? What about her dad?

Who have you exposed to on WH's side? Your kids? Your family?

You can have all business information sent through an IM. You keep that door open then he will continue to have 2 women meeting his needs.

This is why you're still depressed because you're still having contact with him.

What family did you expose to on your side and your WH's side?

Yes, I have told his Mom, Dad and family.

I don't have friendly conversations with him or anything. I only talk business (through e-mail only) and I'm not friendly, but not mean. I guess I'm wondering why that would make me still depressed. Can you explain? We don't talk on the phone or see each other.

What did his parents and family say? What did you say to them?

Yes.

Any contact at all with a wayward will cause pain, even if it's subconscious.

Every time you see his name you may think "maybe he's through the fog" just to be let down. If you close that door you will heal. Dr. Harley states that especially BWs can experience damage even PTSD when their WHs are still in an active affair and communicating with their BWs. It's called cake eating.

Did you read the Plan B link I posted?

Every interaction you have with him lights up all those subconscious activities that in most cases have no real effect on our lives.

One part of your brain will recall the experiences running your business before his departure. One will jump to anticipating how he will react to what you're telling him, and another will anticipate his next transmission and how you will respond.

Each time the concept of "BH" gets referenced, the scab gets pulled off a little bit from the wound that you are still trying to have heal, and you emotionally "bleed" again.

You need to pursue the extraction from your joint business, and implement a strong, impenetrable, Plan B.

You are suicidal because you are still in touch with him. You are continually reminded of the worst experience of your life. It would be like the rape victim having continual "business" talks with her rapist. Do you think she would ever get better? No, she would not.

I would expose the affair to everyone, especially the skanks mother and go into a dark, dark Plan B.

Can you move away?

Can you sell your share of the business and move away?

Well said. You are so right. I didn't even think about it that way. That's why I stay upset.

You are right.

Did you see this?

No I can't sell my share. We are in the middle of bankrupting it.

No because we are in the middle of bankrupting it.

Who can you get for an IM?

She isn't on FB and I don't have a way to contact her. :-( Our business is too complicated to have an IM. But, I will look into it. The only thing is I don't have anyone that can IM for me. Is there an organization I can contact maybe? I don't want to use a lawyer.

Your IM would just need to be a filter.

Have you seen this?
IM Training School

Is there anyone you can think of?

The only problem is this...In the last 6 months before I found Marriage Builders, I have tried to get my husband back from the other woman 3 different times and all 3 times he has rejected me. He never talks reconciliation in his e-mails to me. If he talks about us it's about the separation and divorce and dividing property and stuff. But he will not come get his things from the house even though I have asked him repeatedly. Anyway, he just tries to be friendly and thinks we can actually be friends. Infact, he was actually so friendly at one point that I thought he was missing me and may have a change of heart. But, then went into talking divorce. How confusing. This was killing me. Before I went minimal contact, he was e-mailing me every single day (except weekends) and calling 2 times a week and coming by on Sundays for about an hour to visit. At one point during one of his visits, he was invading my personal space as if he was going to brush up against me. It's like he was leading me on. Once I went minimal contact (because of his refusal to tell his lover to take FB profile pics of them two together down), he started only e-mailing me at work (Mon-Friday). And since then he has made all of his Facebook statuses public so I can see them if I want. He even mentioned her in one of them.

I don't understand how this man who used to once love me can be so cruel on Facebook and doesn't bother to make his statuses private. It's like he is trying to hurt me over and over again. It's not enough that he left me someone. If he doesn't want me anymore, he doesn't need to rub it in my face. Maybe he just doesn't care anymore or maybe he is mad about the exposure letter and that I won't chit chat with him and be more friendly instead of just business. I know he hates that I haven't been friendly with him and went minimal contact with him 2 months ago. I don't know, but it's a mess.

Go Plan B and show him the unfriendliest (in his eyes) you that you possibly can. Show him that you will NOT be friends after divorce!

It's called cake-eatrng --> he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You still have an account in his lovebank and he gets some of his ENs fed every time he contacts you. He NEEDS to have contact with you, even if it seems peripheral. For the same reason (he still has an open account in YOUR lovebank), you feel full of pain when you have contact with him.

You should write him a loving plan B letter and then go into a dark plan B --> NO contact, everything goes through an intermediary who filters out everything personal, everything except the need-to-know. I know you are going through bankrupcy proceedings but I don't see why that would not be possible.

You will find peace and dignity in a dark plan B, Barbie. WH - well, he is clearly well in wayward-land, but Dr. Harley says that most affairs die in 2 years.

Thank you Mirabelle and I hope you keep talking to me. I see what you are saying Mirabelle, but he now seems mad that I am not chatting with him in a friendly manner. He has even went as far as making his Facebook statuses public in hopes I will see them or someone I know will see them and repeat what he is saying. In the last week he has mentioned her in his statuses 3 times and before he never, ever did that. I don't understand. This seems awfully cruel. How can he do this? He knows there is a chance I could be seeing it since it's public. I must be draining his love bank because of the exposure letter or by me not talking to him like he wants.Very, very confusing.

So are you telling me if he even says something as simple as informing me that "He went to the house to play with the dogs" that this is enough to satisfy him a little even though I am business like and not friendly?

I know totally dark is really supposed to be for me, but it seems that if I go totally dark, that will drain his love bank for me even more.

Also, this summer will be two years since they started their affair and if you read how they interact on Facebook it seems that their affair is stronger than ever (act more like teenagers in love). Timeline-He was seeing her a little over a year before he left me 8 months ago. That means this summer is 2 years. Of course it was in secret for a little over year before 8 months ago, but it will still be 2 years this summer. And they seem to still be getting along so I don't hold out much hope. Sigh

Do some affairs last longer than 2 years? I know you said most end by the 2 year mark, but I guess I am grasping for straws. I just worry the longer it goes on the less chance I have. Going dark will probably just make him forget me completely.

I also forgot to mention before that about 2 months ago before I went minimal contact, I asked him if they were going to live together and he said they have talked about it. I really don't know why I keep hanging on. We were together 21 years and I can't seem to let go.

Thank for your input. I appreciate all advice.

He is not the least bit concerned about your love bank and has no qualms about draining it. He is cake-eating majorly, and you need to go cold turkey no contact if you are having such trouble. You will save yourself a LOT of heartache if you do!

Yes, your WH is extremely cruel to you. He's been cruel in everything he has done to you. You're not alone in your suffering, Barbie, there are many walking wounded on this forum. Affairs are exceedingly painful: there are people here who have suffered horrifying events such as the loss of a child or rape yet they say that their spouse's affair was more agonising.

You cannot understand a wayward, no one can. Have a look at the nonsense they spout in this thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696100&page=1

You must think of his affair as an addiction, like alcoholism or crack: he will sell his grandmother to get his fix of OW. Don't try to reason with WH or assume that he is any way thinking logically. Because he is not.


Yes, you are still meeting some of WHs ENs. He likes to see you occasionally, hear your voice. He might even still see you as an option in case Skanky doesn't work out.

However, is that how YOU think you should be treated? As an option?



No, plan B generally PRESERVES what is left in both your love banks. Only love-busting (AOs, DJ, SDs, etc) drains someone's LB account. It sounds to me like you are dealing with WH in a very dignified manner, ie no love-busting.



Dr. Harley generally says to wait 2 years and if the WS still has not returned, then to give it up. I don't want to give you false hope: the affair seems extremely entrenched and yes, there are (if my recollection is correct) about 5% of affairs that become affairages (ie the affair partners marry). While affairages are often riven with problems (they have a much higher divorce rate than normal marriages because they started off on the basis of cheating, lies, lack of honor etc), the question is how long do you want to/can you wait?



It won't.


You should hope that they DO live together - that's the fastest way affairland will fall apart. In fact, that they don't live together is probably a big reason for why the affair is still going at the 2 year mark.


You're addicted too, Barbie. Everytime you see him on FB or talk to him, hear his voice, see a photo, or a friend mentions his name - your addiction is triggered and you feel the pain of an unfulfilled addiction.

Dr. Harley would, at this point, tell you to write WH a loving plan B letter wherein you express that you love him and that you take ownership of the mistakes you made in the marriage. You tell him that you are willing, on certain conditions, to work again on the marriage and that you know about a plan that will give you both a much stronger and happier marriage than you've ever had before. You then tell him the conditions, the most important of which would be permanent no-contact with OW, total transparency and various other extraordinary precautions (EP). Then you say that that it is very painful for you to keep in contact with him and for that reason he can only, from now on, contact you via an intermediary.

There are various plan B letter templates in NotablePosts:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482#Post2558482

To go into a dark plan B, you would have to change your numbers and email addresses, prevent him and anyone who might mention him to you from contacting you on FB, do NOT look at his stuff of FB either (getting rid of FB is often the best way), warn people not to talk to you about him, and get a great intermediary who will pass on only the need-to-know.

You will also have to resist the urge to see him (even a photo, or FB) or talk to him. This is easier said than done, there are many cases on this forum where the BW herself kept breaking plan B to get her fix, only to become torn with pain and anger again. It puts your personal recovery back to ground zero when plan B is breached.

Ultimately, personal recovery is the aim of plan B. You have done all you can to save your marriage: your plan B letter shows WH the way home, now you must focus on yourself, your own recovery, your happiness.

I posted this to you awhile ago.

Did you ever read all of this?

I appreciate all the feedback, but like I was saying before, up until about 2 months ago before I went into minimal contact, he rejected me 3 times and kept talking divorce and still talks divorce (even though he cake eats). At this point none of those plan B letters will work because we do not live together and acts like he is moving on. I think I will just look like a crazy person and look like I am hanging on.

Why do you think he is keeping his FB public instead of private? What could possibly be his reason for being so cruel? Why not set it on Fridnds instead of hoping I will look at it. Is he trying to get rise out of me? Is he angry about my part in the break down of our marriage (such as rejecting him intimately)? I mean WTH? One minute he is nice to me byt doing things around the house, yet he keeps his FB public in hopes I will see his comments. Any suggestions?

Go into Plan B and block his Facebook.

Oh and about the FB thing. It's so tempting to look at it, especially if I haven't heard from him in awhile. I don't have him as a friend and I have blocked him, but he knows that I have another account and can look if I want.

I do have him blocked, but others can see his statuses since he has them public. That means they can tell me.

You need to block all avenues that would allow you to have access to him. If you're serious about personal recovery.

I would tell all friends "please don't tell me anything about WH because I'm trying to heal from his abuse/affair and I need to heal"

Yet, 2 years later, he still has not formalized his divorce.

.

Barbie, have you properly read Brain's link and my post above? Here's what I said about plan B:

.

Plan B has little to do with saving a marriage. Sometimes WSs do come home, while others do not. A SUCCESSFUL plan B is where the BS is spared from all the endless wondering and triggering and pain and can get on with her/his life.

Are you spending every day working towards your future and enjoying yourself in the present? NO: you are hung up in the past and troubled and anxious.

Plan B is the ONLY option left to YOU.

.

NO you won't. Because the plan B letter is also a GOODBYE letter. You make it clear that you're getting on with your life and he will play no further part in it if he does not return and meet your conditions.

And frankly, who cares a hoot for what he thinks? He' a scumbag screwing trash who betrayed his wife in the most painful and dishonorable way. He can reach for redemption by returning but if he does return, you will be making it clear that he does so with hat in his hand and true remorse for the horrible CRIME he has committed against you.


I've answered this one too, Barbie:


You should read some threads in SAA. You will see that ALL WHs talk, do and think the same. They nearly ALL want cake and they LOVE it when they're getting cake from two women.

Now, are you going to stop wondering about WH and get on with your life? Don't you want peace and a future? Plan B is the only plan that (if followed properly) wll guarantee you this.

Thank you for telling me like it is. I know you are right. It's so difficult.

So when are you going into Plan B?

When I get rid of this business and let him take it completely over. Hopefully in a few months. Right now it's just minimal contact.