Yes, your WH is extremely cruel to you. He's been cruel in everything he has done to you. You're not alone in your suffering, Barbie, there are many walking wounded on this forum. Affairs are exceedingly painful: there are people here who have suffered horrifying events such as the loss of a child or rape yet they say that their spouse's affair was more agonising.

You cannot understand a wayward, no one can. Have a look at the nonsense they spout in this thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2696100&page=1

You must think of his affair as an addiction, like alcoholism or crack: he will sell his grandmother to get his fix of OW. Don't try to reason with WH or assume that he is any way thinking logically. Because he is not.


Yes, you are still meeting some of WHs ENs. He likes to see you occasionally, hear your voice. He might even still see you as an option in case Skanky doesn't work out.

However, is that how YOU think you should be treated? As an option?



No, plan B generally PRESERVES what is left in both your love banks. Only love-busting (AOs, DJ, SDs, etc) drains someone's LB account. It sounds to me like you are dealing with WH in a very dignified manner, ie no love-busting.



Dr. Harley generally says to wait 2 years and if the WS still has not returned, then to give it up. I don't want to give you false hope: the affair seems extremely entrenched and yes, there are (if my recollection is correct) about 5% of affairs that become affairages (ie the affair partners marry). While affairages are often riven with problems (they have a much higher divorce rate than normal marriages because they started off on the basis of cheating, lies, lack of honor etc), the question is how long do you want to/can you wait?



It won't.


You should hope that they DO live together - that's the fastest way affairland will fall apart. In fact, that they don't live together is probably a big reason for why the affair is still going at the 2 year mark.


You're addicted too, Barbie. Everytime you see him on FB or talk to him, hear his voice, see a photo, or a friend mentions his name - your addiction is triggered and you feel the pain of an unfulfilled addiction.

Dr. Harley would, at this point, tell you to write WH a loving plan B letter wherein you express that you love him and that you take ownership of the mistakes you made in the marriage. You tell him that you are willing, on certain conditions, to work again on the marriage and that you know about a plan that will give you both a much stronger and happier marriage than you've ever had before. You then tell him the conditions, the most important of which would be permanent no-contact with OW, total transparency and various other extraordinary precautions (EP). Then you say that that it is very painful for you to keep in contact with him and for that reason he can only, from now on, contact you via an intermediary.

There are various plan B letter templates in NotablePosts:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482#Post2558482

To go into a dark plan B, you would have to change your numbers and email addresses, prevent him and anyone who might mention him to you from contacting you on FB, do NOT look at his stuff of FB either (getting rid of FB is often the best way), warn people not to talk to you about him, and get a great intermediary who will pass on only the need-to-know.

You will also have to resist the urge to see him (even a photo, or FB) or talk to him. This is easier said than done, there are many cases on this forum where the BW herself kept breaking plan B to get her fix, only to become torn with pain and anger again. It puts your personal recovery back to ground zero when plan B is breached.

Ultimately, personal recovery is the aim of plan B. You have done all you can to save your marriage: your plan B letter shows WH the way home, now you must focus on yourself, your own recovery, your happiness.

I posted this to you awhile ago.

Did you ever read all of this?

I appreciate all the feedback, but like I was saying before, up until about 2 months ago before I went into minimal contact, he rejected me 3 times and kept talking divorce and still talks divorce (even though he cake eats). At this point none of those plan B letters will work because we do not live together and acts like he is moving on. I think I will just look like a crazy person and look like I am hanging on.

Why do you think he is keeping his FB public instead of private? What could possibly be his reason for being so cruel? Why not set it on Fridnds instead of hoping I will look at it. Is he trying to get rise out of me? Is he angry about my part in the break down of our marriage (such as rejecting him intimately)? I mean WTH? One minute he is nice to me byt doing things around the house, yet he keeps his FB public in hopes I will see his comments. Any suggestions?

Go into Plan B and block his Facebook.

Oh and about the FB thing. It's so tempting to look at it, especially if I haven't heard from him in awhile. I don't have him as a friend and I have blocked him, but he knows that I have another account and can look if I want.

I do have him blocked, but others can see his statuses since he has them public. That means they can tell me.

You need to block all avenues that would allow you to have access to him. If you're serious about personal recovery.

I would tell all friends "please don't tell me anything about WH because I'm trying to heal from his abuse/affair and I need to heal"

Yet, 2 years later, he still has not formalized his divorce.

.

Barbie, have you properly read Brain's link and my post above? Here's what I said about plan B:

.

Plan B has little to do with saving a marriage. Sometimes WSs do come home, while others do not. A SUCCESSFUL plan B is where the BS is spared from all the endless wondering and triggering and pain and can get on with her/his life.

Are you spending every day working towards your future and enjoying yourself in the present? NO: you are hung up in the past and troubled and anxious.

Plan B is the ONLY option left to YOU.

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NO you won't. Because the plan B letter is also a GOODBYE letter. You make it clear that you're getting on with your life and he will play no further part in it if he does not return and meet your conditions.

And frankly, who cares a hoot for what he thinks? He' a scumbag screwing trash who betrayed his wife in the most painful and dishonorable way. He can reach for redemption by returning but if he does return, you will be making it clear that he does so with hat in his hand and true remorse for the horrible CRIME he has committed against you.


I've answered this one too, Barbie:


You should read some threads in SAA. You will see that ALL WHs talk, do and think the same. They nearly ALL want cake and they LOVE it when they're getting cake from two women.

Now, are you going to stop wondering about WH and get on with your life? Don't you want peace and a future? Plan B is the only plan that (if followed properly) wll guarantee you this.

Thank you for telling me like it is. I know you are right. It's so difficult.

So when are you going into Plan B?

When I get rid of this business and let him take it completely over. Hopefully in a few months. Right now it's just minimal contact.