I don't know where to begin. We've been married for 13 years and have 2 kids. My obsession with online porn started about 6-7 years into our marriage. It started off with just secretly masturbating to porn. Then moved on to dating sites that had live cams. Then went on to escort sites. I was nearly enticed into meeting one but I flaked out at the last minute. Couldn't go through with it.
I was a virgin before I got married and have only ever been with my wife.
I have not met anyone in person who I interacted with on chat nor did I form any relationship with any of them.
I would get my kicks from doing this. I enjoyed it. I'd look for people with crazy fantasies and fuel my obsession.
During this whole time I hardly had sexwith my own wife who was in front of me in the flesh.
My wife recently decided to check my browsing history on the computer and found the various sites I've been on including the escorting one.
Needless to say she is rightfully pissed at me and wants to end our marriage.

Over the last 6 months, I realized too little too late, that I've been neglecting her and started to make ammends. But unfortunately my surfing habits had reduced drastically but not completely died.

Now she's convinced that I've actually slept with escorts. I can't prove to her otherwise.
I've handed over all my emails and info to her.. And my phone and asked her to randomly check them whenever she wants to.
I truly want to save my marriage. From my description above it may sound like I don't love her, but I can't bare the thought of being away from her. I truly do love her but I don't know what to do. Please help.

Offer to take a polygraph.
Get tested for STD/I and give her the results.
Don't have any access to the internet without full knowledge and eyes from your wife.

Please read and listen to the clips.
What is Just Compensation?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Here SAA Revised Edition-Extraordinary Precautions

Also, will your BW come here and post?

I can go for an STD test. That is not a problem. I'll follow your advice and get tested and give her the results. That however doesn't prove to her that I did not see anyone.

I work remotely and my entire job and work is based online. I've promised her I won't delete anything on my browsing history nor will I hide anything or delete anything. I can even install a tamper free keyloggers for her so she can track my every keyboard stroke.

Thank you for the link. I'll go through that now.

No I don't have that book. I'll get it.

Thanks again for your help.

Yes I believe she will. I'll let her know to come to this thread?

Have her start her own thread.

That's why I recommend you offer to take a polygraph. I would recommend this to her, if she was here, to have you take a polygraph.

You may have to find another line of work. A job that compliments your marriage and a job she feels safe with.

Dr. Harley says you must change all conditions that allowed your affair. We've had posters who've had to give up the internet or be with their spouses 24 hours a day. Whatever conditions allowed the affair must be changed.

Thanks that's a great idea.

Has she said what she needs? Is she sill shell shocked?

I'll ask her to start her own. Thanks

I've given her access to everything. And yes she is still shell shocked. I can't blame her for it. As my nickname implies, I really screwed up.
And I'll suggest the polygraph to her.

Please be aware that, even if you did not have sex with any of these individuals, what you had was a long series of emotional affairs. You gave (or attempted to give) your emotional needs to other women to satisfy instead of your wife. That is an "emotional affair" (EA). Did you know that EA's hurt the BS as much as PA's? You still may not understand how hurt she is. Psychologists say that the pain that a BS feels is on a similar scale to the pain of losing a child. Just so you know.

I see that your BS has a thread. Please note not to post on each other's threads.

If you have a tablet or a kindle you can download SAA from Amazon and start reading tonight.

Clarification needed here. This could mean two things. Does this mean you work full time out of the house? I can't even go to the bathroom without my kids knocking on the door or wandering around the house saying "where's dad?"

Or do you mean you work remotely away from your home and spouse? How much of your time is not together then?

I read it. I won't post on it. Thanks.

I work from home. The kids are away at school most of the day. Weare currently living with her parents while we were looking to buy our one place. I pick up the kids from school and they are good kids. They know when I'm working and keep themselves entertained.

It gets more complicated. I'm currently living in Edinburgh, my job is in California and our dev/ops team is in Eastern Europe. I have to straddle multiple time zones so some days my work hours straddle between 8am and 11pm.

Its a job I love... Its more than a job.. I'm one of the founders of the company. Which is why I put in the extra effort. But I was willing to give that up too.
I started looking for other jobs. Something that was on local time so I didn't have insane hours.
I found a fantastic job in London. They made me an offer. I spoke to my wife about it and how shed feel about moving. She more or less refused after I said the first 2 sentences.
So I declined the offer. About 1.5 months later she says why don't you take it. It was too late by then.

I can understand her actions. She said on her thread that you guys weren't even having sex. I'm sure she didn't want to move her family to go to a new town with a roommate type of situation. She probably changed her mind in hopes of doing whatever it takes to fix the problems. You really put her in a precarious situation now, didn't you?

I am not beating up on you here. I was a wayward spouse once many moons ago. But it took me a while to really "get it."

Right now, she doesn't believe you that you didn't take it physical. Which she shouldn't. Time and again, the WS will only give enough details to keep their marriage in tact. Do you understand exactly why it is important to disclose everything? If she decides to stay in this marriage, it will take a lot of work not only for you but for her. Heaven forbid if there is anything that is uncovered that was previously undisclosed, you go back to square one. Five years of hard work can go up in a flash. So if you did make it physical, disclose now. Even if she says it's a deal breaker, you need to deal with it now. If you have any personal relationships, disclose now.

I just posted on your BW's thread, I don't want to sound like a broken record, so I'll keep it brief!
I to, am a FWW, except it was my BH that found this site and aske that I start to post.
The fact that your here is a good sign, please keep posting, listen to our vets and do whatever they suggest! Your road will not be easy, no WW's is - we lie, we hide, we cover up, we are our own enemy. We have betrayed the ones we love the most in the world. If your serious about your marriage and it's recovery you must do whatever it takes.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
I understand her situation of finding it hard to believe that I never took it to the physical level. I was honest with her and explained to her that I got my "thrills" masturbating knowing I COULD be with them if I wanted to. Yeah I know I'm messed up in the head.
I was actually already on the road to making ammends. I had already closed the account down. We started having sex from maybe once in 2 months to once a month to now it was 2-3 time a week?
We have/had our fair share of problems. Its not just porn.
I'm going to fight for us.. For her..for our relationship. I won't give up.

Many people who have lived a SSL (secret second life) as long as you have....end up trickle truthing their BS, and it just makes a BAD situation WORSE. Each time you trickle more truth, it will be a HUGE lovebuster and hurts your chances for recovering this marriage.

If there is anything at all that you are thinking, well, it will be "easier" or "better" for her to not know that little detail...that is your signal that you need to tell your BW immediately.

You may be thinking, I can't tell her anything else, this M is already hanging by a thread.

Your BW is already hurting. Get it all out in to the open now, rather than letting her recover a little bit only to be beat down again by more d-days. That will BACKFIRE on you big time.

There is NO RECOVERY if you haven't made a full commitment to being 100% O&H. None.

How many of those hours are spent on porn? And what hours do you work?

I have already told her everything. There is nothing more to tell. Short of giving her exact calendar dates of when I masturbated, which I myself don't remember there's nothing more.
And yes I'm aware she doesn't believe me when I say I haven't physically met anyone for sex, nor have I maintained an online relationship with anyone. You would consider them virtual one night stands.

And I spent maybe 10 mins a week watching porn. The rest is work.

Sorry correction . I also spend about 20 mins a day reading news on Google news...

That is great! Then you should pass a polygraph with flying colors. Does she have the names of the people you had the affairs with?

What are your working hours and what are her working hours?

She can't possibly have them because I don't have them. These were random online nicknames in a chat listing. You see them online at that time. I randomly picked one..after browsing through..and after chatting etc.. That was it. No friends list or anything available and even if there were I wasn't using them.

Hope that makes sense?

You aren't going to be able to rebuild trust if you have a crazy work schedule. If your working hours are unpredictable, then you as a husband are an unpredictable person. It makes it easy to have a Secret Second Life but on a basic level she can't trust you to be there when she needs you.

She needs to know when you are available, what your routine is and she needs to be able to see all of it.

You need 15 hours of undivided attention time to 'maintain' love and 20 hours to rebuild it after something as devastating as an affair. So I would plan not to be doing any work during your wife's free time!

Do you notice how checked out she is? That she is not only angry about your infidelity but also the lack of attention she's received for years?

That's one of the reasons she is so ready to pull the plug. I would also be amazed if she had been feeling passionately towards you even before this. Women tend not to feel passion for absentee husbands.

It's the top reason women file for divorce. Abused women don't leave but neglected women sure do.

It's also clear she isn't all that keen to put in the 20 hours. Like an unfuelled car she isn't willing to go the gas station herself.

So I would make it a priority to be 'available' to her 20 hours a week and get a babysitter's/relative's number and budget for that. If she happens to be around, offer to do stuff with her/for her and just fill whatever needs you can when you can.

You can't wait for her to be ready, you have to do the heavy lifting.

A polygraph is also the answer to your prayers. As your word cannot be trusted, thank goodness there is a way for you to verify what happened.

What happened re the dating websites? Were any dates set up? Are you able to give your BW passwords and message history?

Any residual messages should tell the truth for you.

Not really. I would want the names. You have the chat names of the people you had sex with. Who were your favorites?

What are your working hours and what are her working hours?

Actually no. I don't have the names. As I said earlier, its a chatroom filled with CURRENTLY online users. I would chat cam and it was done. The frequency at which I did, once in 6 months roughly, made it almost impossible for me to to see the same person again. Hence why I have no "favorites".

One of the reasons why they're asking you this is because it is important to make sure you protect your wife and marriage from these previous influences. I am a little naive as to this type of infidelity, so I apologize if I sound naive. So there is no personal information exchanged? In other words, none of these trysts have your cell phone number, email address, etc.? No one has your real name and could pop up days/weeks/months/years later?

Wait a minute. I just re-read your spouse's introduction. She said there was a "link to check available times for an escort." You describe it as online "chat listing."

I described the camming sites with chat listings.for the escort site, I had one contact which I gave to her already. I had shut down that account about 4 weeks prior to her having even discovered it. If you read this thread earlier on, you can see I described this situation. I would get my " enjoyment" out of knowing that I could hire their service if I so chose. It was like porn for me and I'd surf the site for that purpose. I was temtped ONCE. I made contact ONCE but got cold feet and bailed on that meeting. Never happened .
I have arranged for a polygraph test to prove to her that I never did meet nor did I have future intentions of meeting anyone hence why I closed the account 4 weeks BEFORE being caught. My whole enjoyment was knowing I COULD if I wanted to. Its really hard to describe.
As far as looking at availability, it was again part of the excitement. Keep in mind without having account you can't actually contact anyone on that site.

That doesn't ring true at all. I would encourage your wife to have the polygraph tester test for ongoing affairs. If it doesn't ring true to me, it won't ring true to her. It is very common for waywards to lie about the identity of their affair partner<s> to provide those people protection.

But that can all be cleared up via a polygraph.

AND, you can always sign onto that sight with your wife looking on so she can see and understand the lay of the land. That might be helpful.

One of the things she needs to have the polygraph tester ask is:

have you met anyone in person to have sexual relations during our marriage?

does your wife know about every person you had an affair with?

\

She needs those names. You can make a list of every chat name for her and show her their profiles.

Get back in here imessedup. This is YOUR job to fix things and make your wife feel safe being with you. You didn't follow through learning much last time so why is this time going to be different??? If you want to save your marriage this time YOU need to fix it. Your wife shouldn't have to lift a finger ....yet.

Why are you traveling alone for work?

As a computer guy:

1. You can't really be trusted on a computer - you should find ways besides software to make your wife feel safe with you having any internet access at all because you can figure out how to bypass software, keyloggers and other safety measures. I'm serious but you should probably install video cameras on yourself that your wife can access 24/7 to see what you are doing and another camera focused on your secured monitor (that can't be moved). These cameras should be running 24/7 and provide secured remote backup that your wife independently has sole password access to. Maybe they also have apps that allow your wife to "log in" and turn on your phone camera and/or microphone and listen in to what you are doing whenever she wants.

2. You should voluntarily either give up your phone or, at the least, switch to a flip phone. Too easy for a computer guy to work around any filters or controls on a full internet access phone. Once trust is somewhat reestablished perhaps a phone with the tiniest screen available on the market (that would be miserable to watch porn or cam chat upon) would be a good enough work around (with a keylogger program on it and you charging the thing out in the open in front of your wife and kids without any password protection on it).

I think you will find, regardless of whether you save your marriage or not that living a transparent life is a lot less stressful and anxiety laden.

I also want to emphasize that what I am recommending is NOT for your wife to become your policeman and have this access so she can spend her days and nights watching what you are doing. Rather....YOU have an issue with porn and with inappropriate behavior around women. You have to recognize this is YOUR problem and allowing yourself to be monitored, presuming you have any conscience at all, will hopefully result in you behaving better yourself. People tend to behave better when they think someone is OR could be watching them and/or if they're behavior is being recorded such that anyone could go back in time and double check facts whenever they choose.