So my situation is extremely rough at the moment, but I know with the right tactic it is 100% savable.

Together 15 Years, Married 10, Children 2.

So the last couple of years (4) has been extremely tough on us financially. Before we were reasonably established. We lost our home and had to move into one of our rental properties, way smaller. We went from there's no money now just wait a couple of days till the next payment clears to barely being able to cover the bills. Before this wife was a housewife, now she has to work to help cover bills. I tried to shield my wife from all the financial difficulties by taking it upon myself, every time she did ask I just said don't worry I will work it out.

She started working 3 years ago, the company she went and worked for was not conducive to the situation, mostly 20 somethings, no responsibilities, young and outgoing lifestyle. Never thought this would have an impact.

On February 21 we went to a friend's birthday party, on the way home we got into an argument, didn't think much of it at the time, just thought we will resolve the difference in the morning.The following morning wife woke up stating she has a boyfriend and wants a divorce, wait what? Discussed this with her and we came to an agreement that we would give our marriage a go for 2 weeks. This was an extreme wake-up call, I knew that she was not playing. I proceeded to be the best version of me that I knew to be. It started off great and it really looked like I was going to win this, all of a sudden we were basically back to like it was the in the first couple of months of dating. She was being more open to me than she has been in a while. The Tuesday when she arrived home she said that she had spoken to one of her friends that is a marriage counselor. I asked okay, what did he say? She replied with a smile on her face that basically 'till death do us part, so we will have to make this work. Thursday she came home all happy, had a nice meal, nice chat with each other, got the kids off to bed, then took a bath together. In the bath she started crying and said, I'm done this is over. I said but wait we are giving this another go? To which she replied - I'm done. Over the course of the remainder of the 2 weeks, I tried to negotiate with her. But she just said I'm done. By the following weekend (end of our 2 weeks of trying to make it work) she had basically moved in with her sister.


By this time, I figured out that the boyfriend was one of her customers, 3 years her junior (33), divorced, no kids, multi millionaire, doesn't work as he doesn't need to.
I also learned that he promised her that if she divorced me he will cover all legal costs, settle all her debt and wants nothing in return. When I said I refuse a divorce and she has no grounds for one he told her to tell me if I agree to divorce her, he will settle all my debt - like literally buy himself another man's wife

My initial tactic was to expose the the relationship as friends and family would surely stand by my side and tell her she is making the mistake of her life. When exposed and confronted she told everybody including her own family: I'm doing this, if you oppose I will write you off. This has lead to friends and family stating we don't want to interfere as we love you both and don't want to loose either of you. Her personal friends, mainly consisting of colleagues seem to be in support of her decision. Our friends and family have yet to meet him but have all seen pictures she showed them on her phone.

Fast forward to today. She apparently stays with her sister and instated a rule of one week kids with me and one week with her. In-laws tell me that on my week with the kids she doesn't come home at all, only comes home the Sunday morning I'm supposed to bring the kids and leaves again on the Sunday afternoon after I picked kids up. She blocked me and mutual friends on all forms of social media. She blocks my WhattsApp's and only unblocks me when she needs something or want to make arrangements for kids. Whenever she does speak to me she is constantly baiting for an argument, when I tell her I'm not fighting with you she will throw the phone down in my ear. She hasn't filed for divorce but refers to herself as a divorced woman, when I correct her in stating you are not divorced she replies - divorce to follow shortly.

I can probably write a 20 Paige essay to give you all the info, but guess this will be sufficient to make a opening statement to my situation.

What do I do now? I'm 100% not ready to call it a day, although I must admit that it looks pretty bleak.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

What did you say to everyone when you exposed? Did you follow the template in the exposure thread?

Who on OM's side did you expose to?

Did you tell your children?

Do you know what Plan A and Plan B are?

Did you follow Exposure 101 when you exposed?

How old are your children?

Also please read Exposing to Children

During exposure I physically went to our closest friends and family, explained the situation to them in detail and asked for their help. They all initially agreed but after wife threatened to physically break all contact with them if they oppose they reverted to - We love you both and don't want to loose either of you.

Not so close friends and family received a phone call, but same outcome

Her personal friends / colleagues seem to side with the ongoing separation / affair - I guess I've been demonized to them.

I still can not find OM, he is def doing a heck of a job of hiding himself, no social media no nothing. Wife also protects him with her life. Most I know about him is that his name is Nic / Nick.

I did expose to kids, they were shocked and condescending, but during their stay with her every other week she softens them to the idea and shows them pictures of him and say: See he is not the devil as your father makes him out to be.

Daughter:12 Son: 10

Yesterday during a phone conversation with my wife trying to put more pressure on her surrounding kids, this at least keeps her at bay somewhat and out of his house. She said she doesn't know why I care so much to try and maintain the family structure because in 2 years from now she is in anyways sending our eldest off to boarding school - Wait what?

Just sent a message now asking if I would mind keeping the kids for 2 weeks in a row as she is trying to figure out her new life schedule.

Also worth a mention on something that I picked up on over the years is that whenever a friend or someone we knew where the wife divorced her husband, this woman became like a hero to her.

Also a statement made about 3 weeks ago is that she always thought she would be single and date a bunch of men, she never envisioned herself to be just with one man again.

She also made the statement that when she feels the time is right she would like to introduce me to OM, she will try to not be so clingy over him during this meet and she doesn't want me to feel inferior to him because he stole her from my arms......

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about these events.

I'm puzzled, however, at the concept of "refusing a divorce" and her having no grounds for divorce. Do you live in a part of the world where one spouse can refuse the other a divorce? Or do you live somewhere that, while a man can divorce easily, a woman has only limited, very specific grounds?

You are correct in saying that your situation is bleak. Your wife has already moved out, and as you are clearly aware, is living with OM during the weeks that she does not have the children. To recover a marriage from adultery, a man must essentially win his wife over, after exposing the affair. That is Plan A. If exposure does not cause the affair to shrivel, the next course of action is to wait for it to die, in the hope that when it does, your wife will realise your strengths as her husband, and the man that stood by her. You should stay in Plan A for as long as you can bear it, meeting any needs that she will allow you to meet. When you can't bear it any longer, you move to Plan B, where you have no contact with her, to protect yourself. You can still wait out the affair, but at some point, if she does not go back to you, you'll have to accept that she never will.

The problem is that the affair is well out in the open, which means that exposure hasn't hurt them. They are living together, which means that OM is meeting all her intimate and financial needs. The only need you can meet is her need for family commitment, which you are doing by being a good father to her children. But since you'll do that anyway, even if she married him, it isn't an emotional need that you can withdraw in the hope that she'll miss it.

Are you prepared to wait out the affair, being as kind to her as possible while she lives with another man?

It is going to be difficult since this affair is entrenched. Did you expose to her workplace since this is a workplace affair?

Also, can you hire a PI to find out information on the OM? You need to expose to his side, especially his parents and any siblings or close friends of his.

Thanks SugarCane,

I am from South Africa, we have complex marital laws but same for both sexes.

Our law states mainly 3 reasons for divorce:
Infidelity - She can divorce me if she can prove that I committed infidelity.
Abuse - If i abused her and she has proof of this ie.criminal charges
If I leave the household for one year

These are the 3 main reasons a court will look at if she files for divorce and I contest it. There are others but seldom come into play. Obviously if I don't contest the divorce the courts will grant it.

Our courts are also at a point where they state that people divorce too easily. So in a contested divorce (I wish to remain married) and she can not prove one of those three points. The court will typically send you for marriage counseling usually once a week for a period of 6 months with a registered psychologist. If the psychologist provides the court with evidence that the marriage has broken down without any hope of reconciliation, the courts will grant the divorce. If the findings are inconclusive the courts may even extend the counseling.

That is a very rough take on our divorce laws, but gives you the idea.



Are you prepared to wait out the affair, being as kind to her as possible while she lives with another man?
This is more or less where I am at the moment, although I try to put as much pressure on the affair possible.I know the OM hates conflict and me constantly barking up the tree has him uncomfortable. He lives a party lifestyle with no responsibilities, now he has to contend with an older woman, she actually does have a husband who is constantly scratching at his door (I'm not that far from getting his phone number - changed billing on cellphone to include itemized billing), she has 2 kids she have to look after every 2nd week, etc.

What scares me more than the relationship is that she might be a WAW.

As I understand it, if you contest the divorce, you can slow things down for several months, but you cannot make her stay married against her will.

Well, but he chose the older woman with 2 kids that she has every 2nd week. It's not as if this is becoming news to him now. You might be correct, though, in that he will grow to realise just how tedious this is. If he is young, single and wealthy he can have his pick of a number of women who do not have her baggage, and even without your "scratching at his door" he might decide to have some fun for a while, and then drop her.

Could you explain, though, what you mean by "barking up his tree" and "scratching at his door"? How does your trying to find out more about him affect him day to day? How are you actually making his life more difficult?

Basically I can drag out divorce proceedings, in the hope that whilst I do this the affair dissolves. Also I can get her in front of a marriage counselor which I don't think might be such a bad idea, given I can get the right one with good Christian values. Remember she hasn't filed for divorce yet. Personally I get the idea she is dragging her feet with this on purpose, just to keep the backdoor open, might be wrong but just maybe.

Apparently the OM hates confrontation and is for some or other reason extremely scared of me. I have managed to make contact with one of his friends, politely asked for his number which I got refused. So I said well in that case please tell him that I'm not just going to roll over and let him have his way with my wife, I'm prepared to fight for my marriage. Also please tell him that he is not busy playing with a girl that he picked up on the street corner, he is busy stuffing with a whole family and I take my family extremely serious.

It took all but 20 minutes before my wife phoned and yelled "STOP INTERFERING IN MY RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE STUFFING UP MY HAPPINESS!".
I got word from one of our close mutual friends that this caused a huge ruckus and he actually said to her that maybe they should rethink the situation, so the advice from the mutual friend was continue down that path as he wants to avoid confrontation at all costs.

Well, this is all good. A betrayed husband does need to confront OM and tell him that message, especially the bit about fighting for you family. And making him scared is wonderful - keep it up. Find a way to speak to him directly and tell him to lay off your family, but do not threaten him or lay a hand on him. The very last thing you want is to find yourself the subject of a restraining order, or worse, a charge.

Hire a PI to find his parents and tell them what he is doing to your family. Find his siblings. You have to do more than confront him by finding out his phone number - you need to publicly shame him.

What did you say when your wife screamed at you about stuffing up her happiness? Make sure you never scream back. Tell her you are doing it because you love her and want to save your family, and get out of the conversation quickly. If you get caught up in a back-and-forth with her telling you what you did wrong in your marriage, and your telling her why she'll never be happy with him, you will withdraw love units, not save them. And you must never, ever show anger when you speak to her. You must be gentle and loving in the face of her worse verbal abuse, or illogic. End any conversation that is confrontational quickly, to avoid being drawn into a fight. (Do not end it by putting the phone down on her!)

On this forum, we're never very hopeful about marriage counselling. What exactly is the brief of the registered psychologist appointed by the court? Is it to try and rebuild the love in the marriage, in order to save it? If so, how do they go about doing this?

Most marriage counsellors that we have come across, from our posters in the north America and the UK, do not see it as their job to rebuild a marriage if one of the parties wants out. They see their job as helping the couple to come to terms with the fact that if one of them wants out, the marriage is over. They focus on communication - which means listening to the unfaithful partner tell the betrayed one why the affair is justified. They then try to help the couple move towards separation in a civilised manner.

Now, as far as I am aware, marriage counsellors are not appointed by divorce courts in the UK or north America. Some US states seem to use use a system of mediation, but that is not the same as marriage counselling. On this forum, we have found mediation to be highly frustrating to a betrayed spouse. We have also found that when a couple facing infidelity uses marriage counsellors - of their own choice, and of their own free will - the counsellor suggests things like giving each party "space", which only makes the situation worse.

Since MCs are appointed by the courts in your country, they might have a goal of trying to save the marriage - but this is where you need to do your homework and find out their aims and methods. You do not want to end with participating in a system that only makes things worse.

This is where I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Pursuing the OM causes extreme anger with my wife, I'm scared it pushes her over the edge to the point of no return. When she does shout at me for pursuing him, I basically just say: OK, I'm not giving my family up without a fight, to which she replies: You've already lost.

I hear your point on marriage counselors and agree as when this whole ordeal started I phoned a few of them to get an idea of what they actually do, I got the feeling that they are specialists at facilitating the break-up, only one of those I spoke to an elderly gentleman said that he tries to push to keep the marriage intact for as long as possible. When it does get to that, should we be able to afford one we can choose our own as long as the counselor is a registered psychiatrist. I feel should we reach this point I can seek one out that preaches good Christian values and stands for the marriage. If you can not afford one of your own choosing you get a state appointed counselor. But remember she has not filed for divorce yet and refuses to see one free willingly.

Another sign to me that this OM is not the be all and end all is that for the last week she has started to slowly try and plant the idea in my head to give the tenants in one of our rental properties notice in order for her to move in there.

Most if not all our family / friends say that currently she is not the person they know. However they also say that she's made up her mind and if they even try to point out that maybe I'm not the worst choice in the world she gets extremely aggressive and threaten to cut them out of her life, so they rather just leave the subject of me alone.

Except my brother in law, remember she is supposed to stay there, well she only does every second week. He has a very open mind and can read people extremely well. He says that currently she is partying with the OM like there is no tomorrow and she is living in a world of fairies and butterflies. He says wait it out a bit longer, the bubble is going to burst - be there to catch her when it does. When he does speak with her he can sense that that there is something, just wait it out, don't make her hate you. And then the piece of advice from him I like the most: Remember, I got the other sister, you think yours' head is fried?

Please read what Dr. Harley says about confronting OM. Dr. Harley says “Betrayed husbands should confront OM”

OK, I have the OM's phone number. Trying to figure out my wording for when I phone him. Trying to get as much info from the forum before I do.

So I phoned him. He started out trying to deny everything. Then reverted to that she is busy getting divorced so he can't see the problem. Then reverted to if I want to go off on him to make myself feel better of my failures then go ahead. Then he said he is in the shower it is now 11:00 am here he will phone me right back 30 min and waiting.....

He did phone me back. Could hear he got his story straight first. Had a very amicable conversation with him. He stated that from the beginning he said to her he is not interested in a long term affair, he is not interested in raising another man's children. I made it very clear to him that whilst he is in the picture, my chances of reconciliation is drastically reduced. He agreed to phone her and end the relationship, I thanked him for his understanding.

I asked him how their relationship started. He replied that she was complaining to him what a bad husband I was and he was just consoling her.

Did you read this and listen to the radio clips?

Has your WW contacted you yet?

She did contact me, I was expecting her to come in screaming and shouting. Instead with a very fake voice she asked how I am doing and then asked if she could speak to the kids. I handed the phone to my daughter she then proceeded to ask my daughter where we were. We were at one of our friends house as it was their daughters 1st birthday. She then asked my daughter if there is a girl with me, to which my daughter replied: No, Why? My wife said: Thank you, that is all I wanted to know.

Charlie you are married to a very determined woman and you are doing a great job. Don't be deceived by her behaviour, women love a man who fights for them. Around here we generally describe women having affairs as appearing to have been possessed by an alien. Your children are also a huge asset; not only are they glue connecting the two of you but they are going to be fighting OM for her attention and he will not win.

Although you may not believe it right now, an affair can make a marriage better by being a massive wake up call. For example you have seen how important financial support is to your wife. Are you addressing that issue?

CharlieOliver

I am familiar with South Africa and its different groups of people. Important things: a few things you have not done right to effectively kill the affair that need to be done even if you have told people already. You need go all out on this like brave fighter. Do not be scared that she will get angry. Exposure is an exception as per guidelines of Dr. Harley. Experts here can tell you more.

1. Expose the affair again in a proper way through the Exposure 101 guidelines. You went and told friends and family physically just the way she would go and tell them her side of story. Your ask here gets cancelled out and your expose was not effective at all. One cannot underestimate the power of the exposure letters. The wording in them is just superb and effective, and cannot be underestimated. They are definitely better than how you told them.

Do this.


1. It should be easy find a PI who can find his parents, siblings, where he went to school, service his car, whom he talks to, where he goes, what he does,. Then the PI will find his friends, contacts and their physical addresses and phone numbers from internet, civic offices, city data. Even with the names you can try to find them on FB,Twitter, IG and Linkedin but let PI find the info on the above sentence and then act from there. You can send exposure letters to them. It is not difficult to find relatives and friends and colleagues in South Africa. PIs have great ways to go about this. They can give money to a doorman/guards of the housing complex to get information. They can even talk to the police or local neighborhood security and get info. They can even find his usual schedule.

2. Have your child connect with WW on all social media then post the exposure letter on her social media starting on WW’s Facebook page. Post it on her Facebook page through you daughter’s FB when you think your wife maybe away from the phone to check her FB. This might be when she in a meeting, dancing or busy. Then quickly copy the link of the post and send it all her friends, your friends, your family, her family, her coworkers and anyone who knows her. This makes many people see the post. She will see the number of views on the post. Try to get this view number to 300 or more. Remember she will delete the post the moment she sees it.

Note that you can find her contacts once your child connects by looking at her friends list and by clicking on people who have like her posts and photos.

Also since she blocked you on FB create a fake FB account and you may see her profile if it is public and then by click on the likes on her posts and photos and take the names and send messages.

3. Create a fake Linkedin profile as a woman who recruits for big and hard to pass positions. No need to put a photo. Just put a photo of Cape Town or some gif from the internet about work, recruiting or anything that makes profile attractive. Of course a fake/blurred photo of a woman would be good so people do not think the profile is fake. Now connect with all Linkedin contacts of your wife with a nice message like ‘Your profile, career and skills are amazing. I would appreciate connecting for great opportunities that come by me and future collaboration”. Connect with WW. You can then see her contacts. You can also see some of her contacts without connecting with her by looking at the people who have endorsed her on skills or have given her recommendations. A very good number will connect in 2 days. Some will connect later and you can always send the exposure letter latter but you can find them on FB too and then send then exposure letters. You can get 200 new connections. Now for each connection you can see their emails(for most of them) when you click contact info on their profile. Create a new Gmail account with your name. Grab those email addresses and put them in your new Gmail contacts. Then grab email addresses of all your contacts(friends, family, coworkers, etc.) and put them in this new Gmail’s contacts. You can export contacts from your old email contacts, download them as CSV and then import with your new email account’s contacts. Compose one email with the exposure letter. In one second you can send this email to all your contacts in this new email account. It is not a group email. It just sends to individuals. But before you send it, now then also compose another email as a group email with same contents because this makes people talk. Do the following step 4 before sending these two emails. Find out how to this by just performing 2 searches in Google - 1. how to send individual emails to a group in gmail 2. How to send a group email

4. Repeat the above 3 but for OM but by creating another new Gmail account. Remember to send the emails from 3 and 4 just by clicking send. You can send all 4 emails from step 3 and 4 in 4 seconds.
You create 2 email accounts because it is easy to send to all people related to you and your wife, and to OM at once because the emails send to different contacts.

5. Send messages to through FB messenger to everyone also because FB makes people talk.

Note: Do step 2 and follow it right with step 3 and 4 and sending to people collected from step 1 and step 5. You can send those who do have emails through FB and those who do not have facebook through IG.

Get that phone numbers, emails and physical addresses of his parents.

Make sure you do not leave anyone by assuming they cannot influence her. You will be amazed by what people are capable of.

Now to succeed expose to friends and colleagues of her sister, your brother-in-law and those close her. Leave every stone turned. Sister will not let her do this. Same with her brother. Remember that this will make it extremely hard for the sister or brother to introduce OM to their friends in the future.

Not sure what groups or “races” WW, OM and you belong in South Africa(South Africa’s history here). If she belongs to the Afrikaner make sure everyone who knows her in that group knows. Still make sure the other people from other groups know too. Do the same for OM and for yourself.

It took me 2 hours to write this. I hope you do it. More important it is to save your marriage.

From the beginning of this I even said to her you are acting like you are possessed. She says she loves her children more than the world and I believe that. At this current stage she has no problem in dumping the children with me or her family just as long as she can go out and have some fun, socializing, etc. At this moment she hasn't seen her children in 2 weeks. I was supposed to drop them off at the in-laws today to stay with their mother for the next week. She already cancelled this on Friday with the excuse of I'm trying to figure my new life schedule out, I will take them the week following.

I agree with the affair wake-up call.

Don't understand the financial support completely. We still have joint finances, and I still meet as much of her financial needs as which she will allow me to. I must admit that she seems to take it for granted tho. What she does do when she goes out instead of paying with her card she will draw some cash beforehand so that I can not see where she spends it. If I question her about this she says: You know I always like to keep some cash on me.

On the finance part I've structured our accounts a bit differently than the norm. We have a main account into which all deposits go because we have various sources of income salaries, rental, side hustle, side hustle to the side hustle, etc. From there I transfer money to an account that we live from. To transfer money from the main account to the account we live from takes 2 working days. At this stage for an example she will phone me on a Friday afternoon at say 18:00 and ask me how much money is in the account. I will then reply with say X amount, but tell her I still have to buy groceries and take care of the family with this so yeah there is about Z that you can use at the moment. She then without hesitation go the the ATM and draw cash just shy of X way more than Z. This then leaves me in a predicament, It's weekend I can't get the account funded before Tuesday evening, I can't buy groceries, daily necessities, etc in the meantime. Also I now have to take extra money out which was intended to go towards the monthly debt payments, which is causing huge financial difficulties for me.

If I take this up with her, she gets aggressive as says I don't need your money, OM is more than willing to take care of my financial needs and he can do a better job of it in anyways than what you can (which he can btw). So she is just using me as a bank teller at the moment, do I start cutting her off or try and manage as best I can?

Thanks for the valuable info.

I am a Systems Administrator, so to get email info, phone numbers of contacts and setup mail accounts is not a big issue for me. I will get on it this afternoon.

Yep, we are part of the Afrikaner group as you would know most of people in this group have a very conservative view with an extremely strong Christian belief system.

And just as a side note on SA, little bit of a joke about us. All tho I'm not a big drinker myself anymore, getting too old, too much responsibilities, etc. We are renowned for the amount of alcohol we can consume when we party. We have this running joke where one person will say for instance: I went over to the UK for 2 weeks - Yeah and what was it like? - On the second evening I decided to check the local pub out - Yeah and what was it like? - They ran out of alcohol at 21:00.
Also a famous saying amongst ourselves when we tell a story of something stupid / fun we did in our younger years: Brandy doesn't have brakes, because Coke (Coca-Cola) isn't brake fluid.

Thank you for the jokes. I love the Afrikaners. their work ethic is great. They have achieved a lot.

Note the most powerful of all these tactics is posting the exposure letter on her FB page and many people see it. Even if it is an hour before she sees it. if you want also post the exposure letter of OM. That will do double damage.

In addition you can post on your LinkedIn profile. Then using the other two fake LinkedIn profiles you created share the post on them. When you share just write something very short and powerful like "Family is important or Children's mother is stolen". "Watch out for Adulterers, You maybe sitting, working, eww eating, drinking or living with one right now"(this one is good when you share exposure post for OM - Take a big dig at adulterers) or anything you find better to draw attention. When you write something when sharing it gets more views than not writing something. Yes, let the world know.

You want this to spread like fire. In your linkedin post tag South Africa, city you are in, Pretoria, Cape Town, Johannesburg, neighborhood you live, neighborhood of OM and whatever is connected to OM like the sports club if he visits a sports club, his business if he had a business, where they/he/she frequent like the dance place or drinks place, local cafe, gymn. you get the point. Most important tag the company she works for. This is the beat.

You may not want to tag WW and OM because they will be notified by LinkedIn right away. You want them to hear from others that there is a post. This is when it hits them very hard. Surprise. Surprise. They will spin in their sleep for days. Their heads will be fried. And you know your work on exposure is accomplished and has been effective.

Hit the core without remorse. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid of anyone on LinkedIn seeing your post. Remember you are doing this to save your marriage and that is important more than anything else. You are the only one who can save your marriage and there will not be there when your family and children hang out with OM, and you suffer.

A bonus here: you will see all those people who were afraid to be cut out of her life start to change. Your bravery and act will take you far. Remember that you are not doing this maliciously.

You are asking for help by stating facts and not opinions. When people call you or write to you they will be stating opinions mostly. This is what gives you comfort because they are opinions and not facts, and the people are not experts in dealing with affairs and saving marriages even your brother in law you mentioned. He seems like a nice person though but remember he is a not an expert in this and blood is thicker than water.

Now once you finish your exposure let the experts help you with the way forward. Keep this in mind: without proper and widespread exposure anything you do to try to save your marriage will not even work. That is bottom line. So, do not waste time and effort on other things before exposure.

Oh, make sure the Afrikaners in Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Botswana, Namibia, Congo,New Zealand, Australia, Canada, US and Europe get your exposure letter. I am referring to the ones in her circle, OM circle and your circle from all the past and present lives of you three especially those who have immigrated. She will be surprised getting messages from them. same with OM.

in addition make sure everyone she went to high school with knows. Add the university ones too. High school one is a killer. It will be so effective that you will never believe it because strong friendship and memories are formed in high school.

Dr Harley mentions about to high school friends in one piece of his radio show. He also mentions when WW hears from people she has not talked to for a while it is powerful.

You will have done what experts say should be done - full exposure. Now after that, do not do anything without asking the experts here first. You will mess up even if you think you are a genius. You will end up doing something stupid. The experts here will tell you tactics for lawyers, custody, finances, houses, custody schedule and how to deal with everything be it friends, police, etc. Just tell them what you want to do next and they will enrich to be strategic and effective.

Be bold and always read the saying by Theodore Roosevelt on MelodyLane signature. MelodyLane is one of the experts in this forum. That saying will keep you going and will give you the braveness to do what is right.

Here it is:
MelodyLane's Forum Signature

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101

On another note it is my understanding that in South Africa the women still have so much power given to them by the country or courts when it comes to custody. is this true? If so then experts here can. Just start with full exposure and you will see everything unfolding.

Exposure Effectiveness Is the key phrase here and summary.

Oh, by the way, post the exposure letters of WW and OM on your FB timeline at the same time you post and send to everyone.

And just a minute before you post/send exposure letters put a family picture as the header on your FB, LinkedIn and IG, WhatsApp and all your social media. You know the big header at the top of your profile page on FB, Twitter and LinkedIn. This picture should have you, her and your children only, and maybe your pet if you have any. Put this picture in all your social media and gmail as a profile picture also.

Why a minute before?
1. Because people will start reacting to the pictures right away with liked and comments especially on Facebook and IG, and bingo they will see your posts.
2. The most important reason is that people will be filled with great emotions when they see a family picture and this leads them to support you.

If you active on IG or have followers post the exposure letters there too. If not create an IG account and start following people and ask then to follow back. You want these people to be the ones in the circles of you, your wife and OM, your friends and relatives. IG has become a powerful social media with serious engagement. Post the family picture as a post and then the two exposure letters twxts as posts just like picture posts.

One reason for exposure as Dr Harley has advised me is that it avoids you from being isolated by friends especially if you do not end up with her (even if you end up with her.) People will think you are the who did something extraordinarily wrong if you do not expose properly. People avoid you like a plague. Your children will also be a avoided. Isolation from friends and others is the worst thing that you would want to you.

Even if you do not end up with her without exposure your future girlfriend, wife and new friends will have some doubts on why your relationship ended and your reputation.

These are some of the reasons to expose but the primary reason is to kill the affair in order to save your marriage.

Do not forget to expose to school parents especilly the ones from the grades your children attend and the parent teacher association members. You do not want your children to be isolated by the parents and their children. Think no playdate, no inclusion, etc. Exposing to their teachers also help because your teachers take care of your children most of the time and they should not be lied to by their mother. They need to know the children are through trauma caused by an affair and they need to pay close attention to them to make sure they are well.

I saw her this afternoon. She asked if we could discuss her moving into one of our properties, I obliged to meet. We met and had a 2 hour conversation. She started with I either want to move into this property or that one. I opened by saying just so that you know I'm still fighting for our marriage and I'm never going to give up. She asked me what I did yesterday and I replied you know what I did, I had a phone conversation with OM. She asked if I feel good about myself to which I replied well yes actually. She then confirmed that he did well phone her and end the relationship his reason to her was that this is too much admin, she tried to act if she is not too phased about this.

She then basically proceeded to carry on that she in any way never wants a fixed relationship in her life again. She said that I should see the guy she is going to this coming weekend, she will send me his contact details to spare me the effort of trying to figure out who he is.. She then proceeded to carry on that she wants to live alone and quite enjoys the men that are now queuing op to date her. She made it clear that she has this 'Eat, pray, love" idea in her head. Also stated that she doesn't care how hard I fight for our marriage she is never coming back and rather adamant on that one, said she will rather go sleep next to the road than come back.

I'm starting to worry more about the "Eat, pray, Love" mentality than the actual relationship. I have a feeling that I should also start to fight this "Eat, pray, love" thing but how do I open this can of worms?

So in essence I see 3 things here that are a problem.

The relationship/s which I think I'm winning via exposure.
The "Eat, Pray Love Mentality"
And actually getting her to just remotely think about reconciliation. She said today numerous times: I love you but will never come back to you. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy the attention I'm getting from other men. I'm not sexually attracted to you any longer. And a bunch of other excuses. Some of them I feel are just her trying to hurt me but some of them are truly her current feelings.

Oh, and I started with anti depressant tablets today, don't know if it is working but think I feel a bit less negative. Will prob see over the next couple of days if it does make a difference.

And yes the courts do favor woman with custody. but she doesn't seem to be too excited about having too much custody. I tried pushing the kids off on her a bit more in an effort to curb her social life. Her reply was that she is not interested because it is interfering with her social life. Whenever she does mention custody she is fixated on joint custody where I carry all the responsibility.

Right now she is carrying on like a 20 year old student.

We all have emotional needs. Read this: Dr Harley on Emotional needs. Her emotional need for financial support is unusually strong. Clearly she is attracted to OM because he earns lots of money. You need to be working on your career prospects so that you are a good earner too. Just quietly focus on that knowing that she will see it and like it even if she says nothing.

That is quite separate from protecting your finances which you should do urgently. A wayward spouse can bankrupt you. Shut down her access to the joint accounts immediately. Tell her she can come home at any time but that you are not going to finance her affair. Be calm and respectful but very firm. She is earning money so there is no need for you to bankroll her. Stop doing that!

Please read DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Make sure you’re documenting every time she doesn’t want to have the kids.

Financial part: a perspective on Soutth Africa. South Africa has some super extremely wealthy people that one cannot even imagine. The wealthy is ridiculous compared to what I see here in the US. Folks I know make more money than us in the US. Extremely wealthy. There people who own mines of all sorts, vineland, all sorts of great things, etc. They have wealthy of all sorts illgained or not. The way of doing business in some quarters is something else. There are people who inherited massive wealthy from colonization.

The country is privileged in the sense that it "controls" most of Africa. Goods are sold to these countries. Money from wealthy people across Africa flows here. That said, CharlieOliver you have to find your to strike it super wealthy big time whether that fumes finding business opportunities In Mozambique or somewhere. Starting a company is the way to go. Meanwhile you could try to get a job with Amazon(AWS) in South Africa. Improve on your tech skills. Not sure if career route Will make you rich in South Africa though.

I am aware that South African white women are known for their love of money. Ask any Australian guy who has dated South African woman who immigrated there. The Aussie guys run away from them very quickly. And the Afrikaner women are very beautiful.

You posted about her thing about men. Now with your exposure letters post them here before you send them. Why? 1. Experts here will help you edit it or add something that relates to your situation and that hits the nerve or makes the exposure effective. For example one betrayed poster here wrote in his exposure letter something like "my wife cannot stop seeing lots of men." It was just one short sentence that was added.

OMG she freaked out and got really mad after exposure because she got scared that now everyone sees her differently - reputation at stake.


For you it is something along the lines " She has told me ..... and she us doing it. She has seen 4 men in 1 month" . Whatever is the fact. Experts will word it for you better.

You posted about her thing about men. Now with your exposure letters post them here before you send them. Why? 1. Experts here will help you edit it or add something that relates to your situation and that hits the nerve or makes the exposure effective. For example one betrayed poster here wrote in his exposure letter something like "my wife cannot stop seeing lots of men." It was just one short sentence that was added.

OMG she freaked out and got really mad after exposure because she got scared that now everyone sees her differently - reputation at stake.


For you it is something along the lines " She has told me ..... and she us doing it. She has seen 4 men in 1 month" . Whatever is the fact. Experts will word it for you better.

Dr Harley has advised me to expose every affair my WW has had in the marriage and in separation period that is till the time the divorce is finalized. Therefore you need to do the same.

Take the names of all the men and their contact info she going to see. Even get more info about them, where they live, work, they like to do or go to be able to compile a good list of their contacts. It is actually good she is offering this info. Just take it innocently, compile the contacts of these for exposure.

Full and widespread exposure for each men(affair) to all the contact if of you, your wife, etc.

BTW when you create those fake LinkedIn profiles invite WW and OM as connections. This way you can see all their LinkedIn contacts once they connect with you.

I'm busy collecting contacts on social media. Will formulate new exposure letters and post them here before I post them.

My concern surrounding these are growing and not sure how to address this:
The "Eat, Pray Love Mentality"
And actually getting her to just remotely think about reconciliation.

The "Eat. Pray, Love" mentality is really strong, this concerns me.

We are concerned at the advice to expose to hundreds of people using social media announcements and to create fake profiles. Also by the advice to expose to school parents, and acquaintances who live abroad.

Dr Harley's advice is to expose the affair to close family and friends of the betrayed and wayward spouse, the other person's spouse and close family, and line managers and HR if it is a workplace affair. He recommends exposing to one person at a time, in a very personal way by phone or in person, requesting their support in helping you save the marriage. He specifically warns against mass emails or social media announcements.

Dr Harley would be happy to explain his exposure method directly to you. He will also give you general advice about fighting the affair. Email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

An update.

As far as I can tell through the exposure the relationship has been killed.

She sent me an extremely long text message this morning like a three page essay but the short of it:
She says she has not been as happy as what she is now in years.
She should have walked out 5 years ago.
She's tired of asking for a divorce.
Says I suffer from serious mental illness
Her and the kids are scared of me - Like OK the kids have been with me for almost 3 weeks now and we have had lots of laughter, they def not scared of me.
Accused me of invading her privacy.
Wants me to move out of our house permanently in order for her to move in and provide a stable place for our kids to grow up in.

Charlie, this is just wayward babble. Try to ignore it (we know it is hard). You have inflicted some damage on the affair but do not assume that this is anything other than a temporary setback. Exposure makes a wayward uncomfortable because it removes the thrill of secrecy. However, you need to pay attention to the posting from Irish Green. You do not want to cross the line into doing anything illegal. The suggestion to contact Dr Harley is an excellent one.

How are you doing on protecting your finances?

Did you do a full exposure through the MB guidelines? Without this do not think the relationship is over. They can get back together. They can just hide the relationship for a while and resume. Stick to your strategy. Do your part well first.

1. Do not be fooled by WW by the way what they say and do. Just stick to your strategy you are being given her. Do not wave away from the strategy. Do not let her wa ve you away from from it no matter what she say ir do. Waywards fool you. Without a strategy you will fail. The strategy is your best weapon.

2. Do a widespread exposure as soon as possible

3. Never ever move out of the house. Your chances of saving the marriage will dwindle.

Know that she is the one who moved out and moving in and having you out will save her face and reputation. The fact that you are at house with kids is an image disaster for her, I think.

In South Africa, if you move out, hmmm, with custody laws supporting women you will most likely if not definitely lose custody.

In fact you may have to change the locks - I will let others here give you advice about this. I just hope she does not get you kicked out of the house through the courts - others here can advice you on how to protect you from getting kicked out of the house.

Also do not move out for the sake if the children. It is the home of growing up and memories to cherish. You did nothing wrong. She did the wrong.

Finally, for most people in the world focus is not part of their skill neither is it part of their vocabulary or dinner conversations when growing up. For you just focus on saving your marriage and getting custody( and document, document, document),not what OM or WW says unless WW is saying something worth it. Whatever she or OM says post there to get advice from the experts. But stay focused!

Document every day interaction and her actions. Document every thing you do with and for the children, acholl, doctors, dentists, etc. and house. You will not be the one who has the expert to turn the slightest thing in the documentation into a win. It is the lawyer. It is amazing what lawyers can do with the slightest thing.

I did send a mail to Dr. Harley and asked for advice also included in mail a link back to this thread.

With finances today will have to be the split of our joint finances. She logged into the bank account during the early morning hours and made an EFT to her personal account, left me with the equivalent of about $25. I have changed the login credentials and stopped her cards (to the joint account) obviously I have no right over her personal account. I have a friend that said he will bail me out financially to get though the month. also expecting a lump sum to come in, in the near future from the sale of a vehicle.

She has been bombarding me with texts the whole day telling me 'what a monster' I am and she will never come back to the anchor in her life. I just replied by saying: Stop fighting with me and making me out to be this monster, rather come talk to me when you realize that you are busy making the biggest mistake of our lives. All decisions I make is with the well being of my family put first and that includes you.

I did very little work today and spent most of the day reading articles and threads posted here. I must admit that even with her affair, I do not feel the affair ongoing or not is my biggest threat.

Yes she has / had an affair but I feel she has felt emotionally neglected for some time, this OM obviously filled the emotional gap. She reached a point where in her mind it was the point of no return. Hence she moved out to stay with her sister, started the affair (prior to moving out / separation or not), and now looking to move into a place of her own.

My concern stays with how do I get her from: 'I AM DONE', to be willing to reconsider this situation?

I lived with her for 15 years and know her inside out. She will carry on with this path OM or not. I need to get her to a point where she is willing to reconsider.

Previous attempts at asking her to reconsider have been met with a very stern "I AM DONE".

Obviously I need to change for the better with or without her. But how do I get her from "I AM DONE" to reconsidering?

Any update on finding OM parents and his circle?

How much is left in compiling the list of exposure and exposing?

How much did she wipe you out from the bank account? You may need to report to authorities or file something legal for the money to be returned. Not sure how it works there. In the US the courts may look into it during divorce proceedings and it takes forever but depends on the state. Mine more than 5 years and still going. No money back yet. Not sure if I will ever get anything back. Will fight for it though very hard but in the. Ack pdf my mind I will be counting the funds as something I have lost and will not include it in my future budget. She took everything from the accounts.

I can't find the OM anywhere on social media FB, IG, etc, nowhere. He is either using an alias or perhaps he is just really not into social media.

From bank account almost the equivalent of about ~$1 000. This is from joint account so legally it is her money as much as it is mine.

From my post above where I state that the other man is less and less of a threat to me. There has been a lead up to this, I've been so busy trying to see to the physical well being of my family that I've neglected the emotional support. Which lead up to this and her now saying: "I'm done". I need to somehow make her see that I can once again fulfill the emotional needs and get her to open her heart to me then she will turn back towards me.

Use a PI and pay him later if you cannot pay him now.

Just act fast when the experts tell you do something:
You could hired a PI by now using funds from a joint account.
You could have protected your joint account if you acted when you told to do so.

Take these as a learning lessons and act fast. Once the experts tell you to do something be on top of it. No need to think. Just action because the thinking has been done for you. I know it is hard with the emotions all over.

Is OM not even on LinkedIn? From the mutual friend who refused to give you his number if I have this right. can you get any leads for friends. the schools he went to/classmates, etc?

Well, $1000 can mean a lot in SA depending on the socio-economic class. It maybe a good idea not dwell on it so much but still fight for it maybe in court. It is for the needs of the children therefore with fighting for. By now you should have taken a pdf of that transaction and statements, and store them Use drop box or any cloud system.

You definitely need to find his parents, friends as and family no matter what though. He needs to feel the heat from them to stop the affair.

Use a PI and pay him later if you cannot pay him now.

Just act fast when the experts tell you do something:
You could hired a PI by now using funds from a joint account.
You could have protected your joint account if you acted when you told to do so.

Take these as a learning lessons and act fast. Once the experts tell you to do something be on top of it. No need to think. Just action because the thinking has been done for you. I know it is hard with the emotions all over.

Is OM not even on LinkedIn? From the mutual friend who refused to give you his number if I have this right. can you get any leads for friends. the schools he went to/classmates, etc?

Well, $1000 can mean a lot in SA depending on the socio-economic class. It maybe a good idea not dwell on it so much but still fight for it maybe in court. It is for the needs of the children therefore with fighting for. By now you should have taken a pdf of that transaction and statements, and store them Use drop box or any cloud system.

As long as there is an ongoing affair, there is no hope for reconciliation. This is why first doing your best to break up the affair is suggested, i.e. exposure to close family/friends and the affair partner's close family/friends, and to workplace HR if a workplace affair. Basically, you expose to people that can support you and also those that can influence your wife to reconsider her actions, or to people that can influence her affair partner to reconsider his actions. Otherwise you have to wait for the affair to die naturally, which can take months or even years, or your wife has multiple affairs.

Exposure is done for 2 reasons, first to bring the affair out to the light of day which takes away the thrill of secrecy that is part of all affairs. Exposure brings it all out in the open and the secret thrill is gone. It creates a ruckus and disrupts the affair fantasy between the 2 affair partners, hopefully also splashing cold water on your partner so she realizes what she is sacrificing for this illogical affair (family, kids, assets, etc.). Second and just as important, exposure provides avenues of support for the betrayed spouse from family and friends. If done the right way, exposure can provide an important safety net for the betrayed spouse. At the same time the people that support your marriage may have an impact on your wife's thinking as they interact with her, e.g. her parents if still living or her brother.

At the same time, you try to be a Plan A husband, meeting her needs to the best of your ability and also being kind to her in every interaction every time, so that when the affair dies she remembers your kindness and then becomes more open to reconciliation. This is very, very hard since you will be tempted to love bust her in your interactions given how she has wronged you. Probably you will be tempted to be judgmental in your comments, but that is not going to help you achieve your goal, but in fact the opposite.

If after time the affair dies, and you have also done a good Plan A - which means presenting yourself as the husband she always wanted, showing you are willing to change for her to address your own shortcomings in the marriage, and not judging her in your comments or interactions (cannot emphasize this enough!) - then she more likely than not will be willing to try again, especially if you have children together. This process can take many months or even up to 1-2 years for men. It is difficult to maintain Plan A for a long period - 3 weeks for women is the suggested limit, but up to 1 or even 2 years for men as men are less impacted emotionally and physically by the situation than women according to Dr. Harley's experience. For men Dr. Harley recommends to keep up Plan A as long as the man is emotionally able to do so. But this gets harder over time as it is emotionally draining.

On your question, your actions in Plan A are what will open her eyes and open her heart. You have to do this yourself through your actions. But she cannot open her eyes or heart if she is in an ongoing affair with anyone. There is something called on this forum 'the fog' which is the mindset that occurs in people involved in affairs. It is like a drug they cannot give up and they rationalize everything to keep the drug coming. First break up the affair, then reconciliation eventually becomes possible.

If you have not done so already, you should take advantage of all the articles and Q&A columns on this website. I also recommend reading Dr. Harley's books "Surviving an Affair" and "Lovebusters" if you can. Also, listen to the daily radio show. This will help you become good at your Plan A if you decide you want to save your marriage. You could also write the radio show or Dr. Harley for advice.

I received a phone call from her best friend. She stated to me that my wife told her the affair is ended and she is furious that I stuffed-up her happiness. She is going to try and get together with my wife over the weekend and try to reason with her. She says that she feels it's better to do it face to face as opposed a telephone conversation. As with a telephone conversation wife can just abruptly end the call if she hears anything she doesn't like., but in a physical meeting it's not that easy to just exit the conversation.

Wife has been sending lots of texts of hatred, I don't engage in argument and ignore the texts. She is looking for reason to argue with me to justify her actions.

Your wife is spinning the story to convince you (and maybe friends) the affair is over. She will take it underground.

You need to take control of the narrative. That is what exposure also is. You tell crucial family members and friends what is going on, don't let her spin the story.

When are you exposing? How far are you from completing the task? Do it fast. ...and expose before she meets her friend!

You are not mentioning anything about hiring a PI. Can you tell us what is going on?

What are you doing to find her parents, friends and family? Can you stick/focus on this as a action item here in the forum and in your life till it is done?

All the stuff you are saying she is texting and so so happens all the time but you are not focusing on your tasks. Do you realize that most of the stuff you posting is not targeted on completing your tasks? You are more of reacting than proactive. This is not fruitful. Be strategic and proactive, and let her react.

I think it is great your wife's friend is trying to influence her to return to the marriage. That being said, just because your wife says the affair is over now - if it really is - does not mean it can't rekindle later in 1, 2, or 6 months. A strategic exposure still should be done because you cannot be sure it is over. Exposure creates accountability for her actions for your spouse. Your kids, family, friends, etc. need to know what is causing this turmoil in your marriage.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to complete this step, both for now and for any future potential reconciliation. And also for control of the narrative mentioned by goody2shoes.

I think you are doing well in ignoring your wife's spewing hatred texts. Don't argue with her ever. Change the subject or exit the conversation.