Friendship Out of Control - Now What? - 09/28/08 01:28 AM
I have not posted here for a long time - just lurk occasionally.
A little about me - I am 53 years old, was married for 17 years, H left for OW, and married her 5 months after our divorce was final. I however, am still single - took a long time to get myself back. (My story is on this board somewhere, in the archives, I'm sure!) I have really enjoyed being single, but after almost 10 years since the divorce, I am wondering if I am avoiding getting involved again, and not facing my issues. I have not really dated, nor had any relationships. I admit I have trust issues!!!
It seems the only men interested and hit on me are married or not available! I absolutely do not want to be involved with a married man! After what I went through, I would never wish to be a part of inflicting that pain on anyone else.
I'm in the military - got recalled to Active Duty 5 years ago, and am really enjoying it. I work at a personnel processing site, and I meet lots of interesting people, which I enjoy. Meet lots of guys, but like I said, most are married or live far away. Most are only here processing for a few days.
Last year, after I had given a presentation to a large group of new arrivals, a guy I vaguely remembered as having been through here before (many people are recalled to Active Duty multiple times), came up to me, and said "Hi, I remember you from when I was last here in 2005, and was hoping you were still here." (It turns out I had processed his paperwork back in 2003, also.) He had to come to my office for final processing, and he proceeds to chat me up some more, and asked for my office number should he need additional information. He called me twice before he left, and told me that I should call him if I'd like, cause he would not be going overseas for 2 months or so. I said thank-you, and put his number in my desk drawer, not really thinking anything of it.
Fast-forward about six months - I had the duty cell phone, and was on call. He calls from the Mid-East, with a question that he needs help with. When he realized that it was me, and that I did, in fact remember him, he asked me for my official e-mail, so that he could ask me some questions about personnel and pay issues. My job entails customer service, and taking inquiries from many people, so I did not mind. Over the next few months, he would regularly e-mail me and ask about various things, since he was in the administrative dept of his unit, and had people asking him questions he was not sure about. His e-mails started to get a bit flirty, so I asked him - don't you have a girlfriend? He replied that yes, he was dating someone. I told him that even though things start out with so-called harmless flirting, that things can get out of hand. He said that he was not looking for anything to get out of hand, and just wanted to be friends, and that he enjoyed our e-mails. I said, OK, but keep it in check, and on the professional side of friendship, which he did for the most part, but every now and then, would say things that I felt were a little too flirty (like - I can't wait to see you again when I get back). Again, I asked him to tone it down, which he did. I admit I enjoyed his e-mails - he is very witty, with a fun sense of humor, and very intelligent.
Six months later, he came back from the Mid-East, and instead of processing through here, he had to go back to a base near his home for medical evaluation. He kept in touch a little less often, and continued to ask for advice concerning his situation.
Fast forward again to 3 weeks ago - (5 months since he returned to the states.) He e-mails me and tells me he will be here (at my facility) to outprocess the next week. He comes to my office an hour and a half before his appointed time - said he had some questions and concerns, and wanted to talk to me about them. So we did, and I processed his paperwork. He was very nice and somewhat reserved, not as flirty as he had been in some of his e-mails. Seemed a little nervous, even! I teased him about coming to my office so early - said he must be in a really big hurry to get back home. He loosened up and little and starting joking back with me. After we were done, I said good-bye, and shook his hand. Five minutes after he left, he calls me and says he would like to meet somewhere for a drink, since he is not leaving until the next morning, and would like to thank me for all the assistance and help I gave him over the last 17 months. I said OK, that I would meet him there. We had a nice conversation, mostly about military stuff, and just a little bit about personal stuff (basic things). After about an hour, he said he should be leaving, since he had to get up really early to leave the next morning. We walked back to our vehicles, still chatting a bit. Then he tells me that there is a possiblity he may get orders for a new assignment in my area, and that he really admires me, that I have really impressed him, and that he would like to spend time with me as friends, and more, if he ends up being assigned here. At this point, I am kind of freaked out, since I know he has a girlfriend. I told him that we could be friends, but beyond that, wasn't probably a good idea. We said goodbye, and left the restaurant separately.
Mind you - I like him, and he is attractive, but why do I keep attracting guys are are not free?
Anyway - I e-mailed him and asked him - "In light of what you said to me - don't you already have another committment? I would be very disappointed to think that you are someone who would pursue a another relationship while still committed to someone else." I also told him that I was concerned that his feelings for me had possibly become a distraction, that he needed to concentrate on his relationship, and if he is unhappy, he should talk to her about it, and fix it, or end it honestly if he is not happy, but to not go looking elsewhere, that I could not go there. I told him I wished to break personal contact, and that he should not contact me unless it is of a professional nature, and that I hoped he understood why. He answered back, saying that he appreciated my candor, and would respect my wishes.
I am feeling really badly about letting this get out of hand. Having been through having a cheating spouse, I know first-hand the pain that ensues when a partner is unfaithful. I had hoped we could be friends, but I am beginning to wonder - can men and women be just friends? I was OK with our friendship until he told me he wanted something more serious - it made me think he might possibly be a player. I hope to have a relationship again some day, but after this, I have to wonder - is anyone trustworthy anymore? Why are there so many out there looking for someone "better" rather than working on their relationships? And, if not happy, why continue the relationship, not doing anything to improve it, but keeping one eye open for another partner before leaving the current relationship? All of this is really sad to me. I'm beginning to think that no one leaves a relationship without first finding someone else. If that's the case - I will probably never get involved with a man again!!!
Lady M
A little about me - I am 53 years old, was married for 17 years, H left for OW, and married her 5 months after our divorce was final. I however, am still single - took a long time to get myself back. (My story is on this board somewhere, in the archives, I'm sure!) I have really enjoyed being single, but after almost 10 years since the divorce, I am wondering if I am avoiding getting involved again, and not facing my issues. I have not really dated, nor had any relationships. I admit I have trust issues!!!
It seems the only men interested and hit on me are married or not available! I absolutely do not want to be involved with a married man! After what I went through, I would never wish to be a part of inflicting that pain on anyone else.
I'm in the military - got recalled to Active Duty 5 years ago, and am really enjoying it. I work at a personnel processing site, and I meet lots of interesting people, which I enjoy. Meet lots of guys, but like I said, most are married or live far away. Most are only here processing for a few days.
Last year, after I had given a presentation to a large group of new arrivals, a guy I vaguely remembered as having been through here before (many people are recalled to Active Duty multiple times), came up to me, and said "Hi, I remember you from when I was last here in 2005, and was hoping you were still here." (It turns out I had processed his paperwork back in 2003, also.) He had to come to my office for final processing, and he proceeds to chat me up some more, and asked for my office number should he need additional information. He called me twice before he left, and told me that I should call him if I'd like, cause he would not be going overseas for 2 months or so. I said thank-you, and put his number in my desk drawer, not really thinking anything of it.
Fast-forward about six months - I had the duty cell phone, and was on call. He calls from the Mid-East, with a question that he needs help with. When he realized that it was me, and that I did, in fact remember him, he asked me for my official e-mail, so that he could ask me some questions about personnel and pay issues. My job entails customer service, and taking inquiries from many people, so I did not mind. Over the next few months, he would regularly e-mail me and ask about various things, since he was in the administrative dept of his unit, and had people asking him questions he was not sure about. His e-mails started to get a bit flirty, so I asked him - don't you have a girlfriend? He replied that yes, he was dating someone. I told him that even though things start out with so-called harmless flirting, that things can get out of hand. He said that he was not looking for anything to get out of hand, and just wanted to be friends, and that he enjoyed our e-mails. I said, OK, but keep it in check, and on the professional side of friendship, which he did for the most part, but every now and then, would say things that I felt were a little too flirty (like - I can't wait to see you again when I get back). Again, I asked him to tone it down, which he did. I admit I enjoyed his e-mails - he is very witty, with a fun sense of humor, and very intelligent.
Six months later, he came back from the Mid-East, and instead of processing through here, he had to go back to a base near his home for medical evaluation. He kept in touch a little less often, and continued to ask for advice concerning his situation.
Fast forward again to 3 weeks ago - (5 months since he returned to the states.) He e-mails me and tells me he will be here (at my facility) to outprocess the next week. He comes to my office an hour and a half before his appointed time - said he had some questions and concerns, and wanted to talk to me about them. So we did, and I processed his paperwork. He was very nice and somewhat reserved, not as flirty as he had been in some of his e-mails. Seemed a little nervous, even! I teased him about coming to my office so early - said he must be in a really big hurry to get back home. He loosened up and little and starting joking back with me. After we were done, I said good-bye, and shook his hand. Five minutes after he left, he calls me and says he would like to meet somewhere for a drink, since he is not leaving until the next morning, and would like to thank me for all the assistance and help I gave him over the last 17 months. I said OK, that I would meet him there. We had a nice conversation, mostly about military stuff, and just a little bit about personal stuff (basic things). After about an hour, he said he should be leaving, since he had to get up really early to leave the next morning. We walked back to our vehicles, still chatting a bit. Then he tells me that there is a possiblity he may get orders for a new assignment in my area, and that he really admires me, that I have really impressed him, and that he would like to spend time with me as friends, and more, if he ends up being assigned here. At this point, I am kind of freaked out, since I know he has a girlfriend. I told him that we could be friends, but beyond that, wasn't probably a good idea. We said goodbye, and left the restaurant separately.
Mind you - I like him, and he is attractive, but why do I keep attracting guys are are not free?
Anyway - I e-mailed him and asked him - "In light of what you said to me - don't you already have another committment? I would be very disappointed to think that you are someone who would pursue a another relationship while still committed to someone else." I also told him that I was concerned that his feelings for me had possibly become a distraction, that he needed to concentrate on his relationship, and if he is unhappy, he should talk to her about it, and fix it, or end it honestly if he is not happy, but to not go looking elsewhere, that I could not go there. I told him I wished to break personal contact, and that he should not contact me unless it is of a professional nature, and that I hoped he understood why. He answered back, saying that he appreciated my candor, and would respect my wishes.
I am feeling really badly about letting this get out of hand. Having been through having a cheating spouse, I know first-hand the pain that ensues when a partner is unfaithful. I had hoped we could be friends, but I am beginning to wonder - can men and women be just friends? I was OK with our friendship until he told me he wanted something more serious - it made me think he might possibly be a player. I hope to have a relationship again some day, but after this, I have to wonder - is anyone trustworthy anymore? Why are there so many out there looking for someone "better" rather than working on their relationships? And, if not happy, why continue the relationship, not doing anything to improve it, but keeping one eye open for another partner before leaving the current relationship? All of this is really sad to me. I'm beginning to think that no one leaves a relationship without first finding someone else. If that's the case - I will probably never get involved with a man again!!!
Lady M
