At this point in my personal recovery (after ex-WH had an A and then divorce) I personally would never think of having a professional picture taken with me, my children and my ex together.

I'm dealing with this situation: There's a guy I'm dating and I just found out that he and his ex wife had their picture taken with their daughter. I knew he and his daughter had one taken together (because he told me) but he never mentioned the three of them had one together. I just happened to see it on his daughter's FB.

What do you all think about having pics taken with your ex's? Isn't this a little like trying to pretend they're still a happy family?? This has rubbed me completely wrong but of course I'm second guessing myself.

I would feel the same way you do. It seems wrong.

I, personally, have almost no contact with my ex, and I certainly wouldn't pose for a formal "family" portrait with him. My immediate family is now me and my kids.

Have you asked him about it? Is this something that the daughter requested? He may feel weird about it and that's why he didn't mention it.

Not in this lifetime. I'd have a very hard time with anyone I was dating doing so either. Sounds just too much like a 'I'm not over this yet" kind of thing.

Just my opinion though.

I think the guy you are dating has every right to take whatever "family portrait" he desires.

And ..... I also think this portrait should serve as a wake up call to you that you are probably dating future heartache.

Once again Pep has hit the nail squarely on the head.

With a sledgehammer.

Hi everyone! I used to post years ago under TrulyHappyToBe, forgot my passwords, etc., so I re-registered today to chime in on this thread.

I'm divorced for 7 years, my BF has been divorced for 12 years, and has 3 children. Since we have been together (for 6 years now), we've experienced one child's wedding, and one child's college graduation. Both the ex-wife and her BF, and me and my BF attended both functions and "family" photos were taken - of the bride and groom, father and mother and siblings. I wasn't offended in the least. The bride I'm sure is happy that her Mom and Dad are civil enough to be able to sit for a photo that she will have in her album for the rest of her life. I was included in a photo with the bride and groom and my
BF for our own little "family" photo.

At the graduation, my BF and myself, along with the graduate took our own group photo, the ex wife and her BF took their own group photo, and then the entire "real" family took a photo. I'm sure she too is happy that she has a photo with her family to commerate her milestone achievement. I feel that it showed that both parents are supportive of their children and put their own needs aside for the welfare of their child. I would think it hurtful to the child if the divorced parents were too selfish to be able to put their own needs and feelings aside to take a simple photograph for the sake of the kids. None of us involved have any delusions or are offended by the exes sitting for a photo with their children, and there are no delusions of the possibility of the "family" being reunited. I feel that it's simply a matter of fact that these two adults had children, and that fact alone means that they will be in each other's lives for the remainder of their children's lives and milestones. Just my two cents.

I think a lot is how and why people are ex spouses.
If they were not meeting each other's emotional needs and agreed to call it quits its one thing. If one betrayed the other and cheated pre-divorce it is quite another.

I have to agree with this, and add in, the length of time since the D would probably play a part. It did with me.

I could see for example, my ExH and I in the same 'wedding' picture for one of our kids, but that's about it. We've been divorced for gosh, 24 years? Long time. I was surprised that we managed to share a hug after the birth of our first grandchild, and that was purely relief upon hearing momma and baby came out of the C-section just fine, after 3 days of trying to induce labor. We were both nervous wrecks waiting that night.

My stbxh? Heck no. I've been scanning in pictures lately, and there are only three times when we have been in the same picture as it is, last one was 14 yrs ago. Other two? Wedding pics and one when we were dating that's a polaroid. No, can't see that happening in this lifetime, not with the stbxh.

Good morning all!

I guess each situation is different - and the relationship between exes plays a big part in how these types of situations are handled. Speaking only for myself, I'm incredibly grateful that the relationship between he and his ex-wife is at the very minimum civil - to the point that we can all be in the same place at the same time without throwing knives at one another. And yes, adultery was at issue in both my BF's and my marriage.

I feel that it is hugely important for the kids to see that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, that they can act like adults when around one another - I think it sets a great example for the children, and it makes things a whole lot easier for all.

There is a world of difference between being civil and posing for a "family portrait" with the X-spouse.


No one but you is talking about "throwing knives".

Anyway, if this "family portrait" with the X spouse makes the original poster queasy, she has every right to feel queasy. And, she should not carry this relationship any further if she expects something different.

The old adage...

"It is what it is" applies here.

There is a world of difference between 'acting like adults' and posing for a family portrait at say your local Department store, which is what I'm guessing the OP was talking about.

As for great examples for the children, yes, in a weird way, I can understand this. Sure beats throwing knives, but it also rather reeks to me of sweeping issues under the rug too and pretending it's all ok.

Again, this is my opinion.

The throwing knives at each other reference was just my way of describing the two spectrums of possible reactions when in a room with ones ex-spouse. Nothing more than that.

I will concede that if the OP means that her BF is going to a professional photographer with his kids and ex wife for a formal "family portrait" for no reason - then yes, it's odd and there are issues there. I will stand by my opinion that in the case of a photograph being taken of the "real" family at some sort of family event (graduation, wedding, etc.)that there is nothing wrong with that. The old addage as you mention above of "it is what it is" is true - the exes share children and will always be parents to the children no matter how many years go by, and no matter the circumstances of the divorce - and the needs of the children should always come first, and if the children want a photo at their wedding of Mom, Dad and the rest of the "real" family, then the exes should sit for a photo together - and it wouldn't make me queasy in the least.

But, that's just me, throwing my two cents in.

It bothers the OP.

The OP solicited opinions - I was merely giving mine. I will bow out gracefully.

On what basis is it "adult" for divorced spouses to remain in contact? Who says that is "adult?" More often than not, it is just the opposite. Folks don't get divorced because their spouse was singing too loud in church, but because the marriage was INTOLERABLE. A little critical thinking should bring one to the conclusion that if the marriage was intolerable, that a "friendship" would be no better.

Most divorces are not amicable, despite chick flicks to the contrary. If the couple were amicable, they likely wouldn't be getting divorced. So there is nothing "adult" about exposing yourself to a person with whom you have a traumatic past. Divorce is traumatic, and that cannot be denied. How is it helpful to trigger the trauma? That is not the behavior of an "adult."

Pretending it is NOT and volunteering to be re-traumatized and triggered is not "adult," it is foolish. It is not in the best interest of children to role model foolishness that has no more basis than a misguided and silly infatuation with cultural mythology.

We need to stop perpetuating that myth and deal with reality here.

In this situation, it is bizarre that this broken family pretends to be something they are not. Illusions do not make children secure or happy. And if I were the OP, I would not date a person who played such games.

So you think it better for the children to see their parents act like imbiciles when attending the same function? Or should one of the parents not attend the wedding, graduation, etc. because the marriage was intolerable and they can't put their own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

I respect your opinion, and yes, divorce is traumatic for all involved, but my opinion is such that attending a child's wedding with one's ex-spouse and making an effort to put your own feelings aside so that the child's wedding can proceed "drama free" IS acting like an adult. And if that means taking a photo because the kid wants one, then so be it.

Sorry, I prefer not to be the bitter type - I too suffered the trauma of an aldulterous marriage, but I chose to move on and enjoy the remainder of my life not focusing on the misery I endured.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend all!

I'm throwing one last comment in the pot - how do you think the kid might feel if he/she asked Mom and Dad at her wedding for a family photo, and Mom or Dad responded with a "h*ll no, I can't stand the sight of your other parent because of all the pain and heartache he/she inflicted on me - I'd rather have my nose cut off than take a photo with him/her"....now THAT would be traumatic for the kid.

I never mentioned how parents should treat weddings, graduations, etc.


No one "chooses" to be "bitter." But that is often the result of such trauma. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child. It is not something that any normal, rational person can just brush aside under some illusion that doing so makes them appear "adult." Most folks are not enamored with such pretense. Nor is it "adult."

How would a 30 year old "child" be "traumatized" because his divorced parents wouldn't take a picture together? That is just silly. Children don't expect divorced parents to take their pictures together because they know it would be inappropriate to ask.

You state: "I never mentioned how parents should treat weddings, graduations, etc."

Those are exactly the types of events that I WAS talking about. I conceded that it would be odd and would cause sprouting of red flags if the ex-spouses just woke up and decided one day to get together and drive off for a family photo "just because" - I was specifically addressing how to handle the photo issue when both ex-spouses attended a child's milestone event like a wedding, et al. I don't think that enduring a two second photo at a child's wedding makes one "irrational" or consitutes some sort of an illusion....

My BF did not enjoy for one split second standing in the same photo frame as his ex-wife at these events (he told me so) HOWEVER he did it because he loves his daughters and the photo was important to THEM. to do otherwise would have indicated to me that he was too selfish to put his own feelings aside for the sake of his kids.

I'm going to call him now and ask him if he feels that by agreeing to participate in these photos if he secretly and subconscienously harbors a fantasy of putting his family back together, or still has unresolved issues due to the trauma of his divorce 12 years ago. I'll report his answer later.

That is silly and inappropriate. It doesn't help GROWN CHILDREN or anyone else for divorced parents to pose together in wedding pictures. That is very inappropriate and has nothing to do with being "selfish" but with accepting reality. It would also be extremely disrespectful to the partners/spouses of the parents.

Nor do I care about the answer of your BF, because it doesn't make it appropriate for divorced parents to pose together in some crazy attempt at pretense. My 28 year old son just got married last October. His brides parents were also divorced.

They wouldn't have DREAMED of asking their divorced parents to pose together and they didn't. We all posed with our CURRENT SPOUSES and the children. That is what is appropriate.

Laura, there is nothing "adult" about pretending like a couple is not divorced. Adults accept reality and deal with it accordingly. And they don't put themselves in traumatic situations for no better reason than to satisfy some silly cultural mythology.

You know something Melody??? I am 50 years old, my mom and dad have been divorced for nearly 25 years now - and when we had a huge family reunion at Christmastime two years ago, I asked all in my immediately family (6 of us total) to pose for a photo - and yes, I wanted both my Mom and Dad in the photo. And guess what? They BOTH did it - and they HATE each other. They stood on opposite ends of the room - but they DID it because I ASKED them to, and I didn't think it inappropriate for one split second - and I'm all grown up...Me thinks maybe people can wayyyyy overthink things...

And I didn't "pretend" that my Mom and Dad weren't divorced and HATE each other for a minute.

BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND .........



Dear Sydney,

Not liking something, and saying you do not like something is VERY "adult" behavior.

Good for you!

Pep

PS:
If you are to have any long term future with this man, you should begin using the policy of RADICAL HONESTY early on in the relationship.

How selfish and thoughtless of YOU to put them in that position. I see nothing "adult" about putting your own parents in awkward positions because you are not adult enough to accept they are divorced. Adults accept reality, they don't ask others to serve their pretenses.

Wow - thanks for saving me the therapy bill - as you seem to have summed it all up for me - I am living in my fantasy-land, hoping that my Mom and Dad get back together and just cannot accept the fact that they are divorced after 25 years, and my BF is "pretending" that he's still a part of an intact family.

And Pepperband stated, back to the matter at hand - this exchange is really not of any benefit to me.

I do apologize to the OP for giving my opinion in the first place and the thread going off in an very unproductive direction.

That will be $5. Please pay on your way out.

My WH's affair is worse than physical abuse. I would have rather been beat up by his fists then get the crap kicked out of my by the POSOW.

He is not my friend. I am teaching my four children I have boundaries and I care for myself more than to have someone that abusive in my life.

Giving kids the reality that life is great after divorce doesn't help to prevent divorce. It gives a false sense of reality. If children fully grasped there is no civility after divorce maybe they will see it for what it truly is - the most destructive and devastating thing on the planet.

Yes life goes on after divorce, but teaching children all is happy afterwards does nobody any good. Let's start getting honest and really demonstrate what infidelity and divorce really is to those children we are raising.

Just pondering here, but why is it that people call BS's "bitter" when they won't play nice with their WS? Seriously? BITTER? How about NORMAL? How about RATIONAL? How about RIGHT?

Sydney, if this situation bothers you, and you feel that it is wrong, then you don't need anyone else to tell you if it is or isn't. My dad always taught me to trust my gut, and your gut is telling you that you weren't comfortable with this. Do you perhaps need help in how you broach this subject with your BF?

FWIW, I don't think I would have a pic taken with my WH now, or should we get D. Come on, we live in a world where photographs cost 19cents, I think I would fork that over to save my piece of mind.

A family picture should be about just that, family. As long as my WH isn't living with me, and working on a relationship WITH me, he isn't my family. I am CERTAIN that my children will understand, and agree with me.

Since my children are young, I won't have to deal with grads, and such for a few years, but even then, there won't be any "family" pics that include BOTH my WH and I.

SidneyT, I'm curious, and just that...curious...so am asking.

How old is this guy and how old is his daughter? How long since his divorce?

I'm curious as to the perspective this might have on his daughter as to fantasies of her parents getting back together.

I would have never in a million years said my 15 yr old daughter had visions of her dad and I getting back together until she told me when she decided to go live with him. That has been a unbelievable dose of reality for me, because I did not tell her the truth of what was happening, she harbored that fantasy, and it all combined to giving him the chance to talk trash about me to the point nothing I say is the truth these days. I'd hate to see his daughter have her fantasy shattered while the parents are actually building it up by their actions.






Me thinks some people don't think enough....

I definitely agree with ML here, what you asked of your parents was very selfish. You state they HATE each other and stood on opposite ends of the room. Did they do this for you? Or because they were the better adults in not raising one heck of a stink and scene by refusing?

Had that been my parents? My dad would have tried hard to not raise that scene, but my mother? IF she even found herself in the same mile zone of my father, the knives, blood and gore would have been all over. She was just that kind of bitter about everything in life.

Here is my two cents on divorced couples "acting like adults" and doing so "for the sake of the children":

Many, many XWS try to have in divorce what they couldn't have in marriage: The freedom to move back and forth betweeen girlfriends/boyfriends and family with no repercussions. They wants to drop in on the family when they feel like enjoying the good parts of Family Time (as at a wedding), and then drop out again until they feels like coming around the next time.

Sorry - this is a terrible example for your children. Families deserve FULL-TIME parents and FULL-TIME spouses. A part-time family is not good enough and the kids should never be shown that it is.

Surely your children deserve more than crumbs and leftovers and part-time parents pretending that a part-time family is enough. Don't they?

Family Time is a privilege that has to be earned - and it is earned by being there FULL-TIME as both a parent AND a spouse.

Since an XWS has decided that they no longer want to be a full-time spouse, they no longer have the privilege of Family Time and your childen should NEVER get the idea that they do. The family no longer exists and it is a terrible disservice to the kids to pretend it does. At least give the kids the respect of not pretending.

By all means let the children spend all the time they want with the XWS, but NOT with the other spouse being there too and pretending to still be a family when there isn�t one.

This is massively confusing to the kids and only teaches them that hey, you can destroy your family and nuke it to bits but still enjoy the fun parts of Family Time when you feel like it! They'll grow up expecting to do exactly this.

And they�ll grow up with the full realization that a part-time family � one with a parent who drops in for birthday parties and other fun times - is supposed to be good enough for them and they should not expect families to be full-time.

No Way. Never. Please don't do this to your kids. Families are not pets that you keep for your amusement and go and visit when you feel like it. As I said, surely your kids deserve better.

Here is an MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" which might be helpful:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Normally I wouldn't have my picture taken with an ex but the only exception I can think of is at one of our children's weddings, if they wanted it (often photographers do some pictures with the original family and some with stepparents, some with B&G & dad's side, some with B&G & mom's side). At my daughter's wedding, her photographer canceled the night before so my son took the pictures, and he did not take ones of his dad and I together. It's their day, though, so I'd do what the bride and groom want.

OH my goodness - I just returned from vacation and am feeling the whacks from the old timer's 2X4's. I suppose some would feel it better to hurt their children if ever, ever asked to sit with their ex for a photo at their once in a lifetime wedding, or once in a lifetime graduation. I, for the life of me, cannot figure out how that would be misleading the children (adults by this time) into believing that Mommy and Daddy are going to get back together, or that the ex spouses are giving their adult children "crumbs" of hope that the family will be together forever. It's a picture for God's sake...

Laura, with all due respect, you seem to be reality averse. Illusions and pretense don't make normal people happy. Not to mention how obnoxious and thoughtless it would be to ask a divorced couple to sit for a picture? Why? To assuage some silly fantasy you have? I can't think of a worse reason.

A "adult" accepts reality, they don't force their childish illusions on others.

OH my Goodness Melody - I'm talking about making someone ELSE happy - and if all it takes is a 30 second photo with my Ex husband to make the child happy at her freaking wedding, then I'm going to sit for the photo to make the ADULT child happy.......My reality is this - divorce stinks - I've gone through it. It's awful and I don't ever want to go through that again. However, life goes on there are times when it is not all about me. I have an excellent grasp on reality Melody, and my reality is that I refuse to let the pain of divorce dictate the rest of my days. I'd ready to get moderated right off this site, but quite frankly, with all due respect, you sound like a very unhappy soul.

Laura, what you are suggesting is making one person unhappy at the expense of another, which is very thoughtless and insensitive. And for what? So that someone who cannot accept reality continues that illusion?

That reflects the outlook of someone who does believe "it's all about me." a child who could not get past her parents divorce.

Sorry, but there is nothing "adult" about illusions. Adults accept reality and they don't try to force others to endorse their illusions.

I will allow you the last word on this - but I want to ask this - how truly unhappy would it make someone to sit still for a 30 second photo at a child's wedding? If sitting for a photo is going to cause that much grief to the spurned spouse, then maybe it best that the spurned spouse stay home in the first place. Call it "la la land" or not having a grasp on "reality' but I'm just incredibly grateful that the grief I felt as a result of my divoce hasn't lingered on and on for decades and I CAN manage to sit in the same room with my ex without turning into a heaping ball of misery - even though he put me through hell. I've moved on. Go ahead Melody - the floor is all yours.

How unhappy would it make an adult child to accept reality and grow up? I question the maturity and stability of any adult who would be "unhappy" because her parents wouldnt participate in such a pretense. Illusions and pretense don't make people happy, it ill equips them to deal with life. I certainly would have never dreamed of trying to force my divorced parents to pose together in some charade at my wedding. And it did not make me "unhappy." How silly.

I decided to call my 28 year old son, who got married last October, and get his perspective. This is not verbatim, but close:

Mel: son, are you unhappy that you didn't get pictures of me and your father together at your wedding?

[after much hesitation and "huhs" he responded]

Son: huh? It never crossed my mind, why?

Mel: so you are not disappointed that your mother and father did not pose together for your wedding pictures?

Son: [still thinking I am nuts for asking] No, because that is not our family dynamic now. We have a new family dynamic and I accept that. Besides, R [my current husband] would feel left out. How would that make K [dad's OW] feel?

Mel: so you are sure this didn't bother you?

Son: Mom, I live in REAL-VILLE, I accepted a long time ago there was a new family dynamic. If I were 4 years old and still loved Teddy Ruxpin, I might have a problem but it never crossed my mind

Laura, it isn't about sitting there for those 30 seconds that is the problem. That picture then goes where? It doesn't get lost in outerspace. It gets printed, and goes in an album or frame, grandchildren, and possibly great grandchildren look at the picture, and they see what? I have one family pic of the four of us together(pre-A). I took it down, and gave it to my children to keep in their room, because their father and mother are both part of their family, but ALL pics taken NOW, are of just the three of us here. I dunno what WH does with them there, and I don't care.

My sis is D'd from her XWH. She has a BF now who lives with her and the four of THEM take pic together, but not any with her XWH.

My BIL and WSIL have been separated for years, and any of their pics are also taken separately(and they have a STRANGE "relationship" now, where they ALL hang out, but the pics are still separate).

A picture is meant to last a lifetime, not 30 seconds. It is meant to capture a special moment, not a pretend moment. I don't see how taking a separate pic with each parent is going to harm someone, but I CAN see how taking pics together will. the original poster of this thread wasn't talking about adult children, so I can see the argument even more on that one. And, it makes the other people in the lives of the ex spouses uncomfortable, so its effects are far reaching.

JMHO

To me, my xw will always be the mother of my daughter.
I don't spend any time with my ex, she has lived in another city since we split up and my daughter has lived with me until she bought her own house with her partner.

What I don't do is spend time bad mouthing her mother. I even encourage my daughter to visit her mother and let her use my airpoints to do so.

A photo of us would simply be a foto of biological parents.
It would seem very strange to me if I had a gf/wife that was uncomfortable with me having a photo taken with my daughters mother. I need someone that is more secure than that.
Certainly if my new wife had a foto of her son and ex, it wouldnt bother me in the slightess.

JMO

JackBlack -

You summed it up better than I have done - I was getting so frustrated that I was not getting my point across. I could not seem to articulate that a photo of the exes with their children is just that - a photo of biological parents - and not an effort to "pretend" that it is anything more than that, nor do I feel that agreeing to take a photo with one's ex and their children and doing so is a cruel attempt to allow the children to foster unrealistic expectations of a "fantasy family". Doesn't bother me in the least when at these events (weddings, graduations) my BF of 6 years takes a photo with the mother of his children, along with the children - I'm secure enough to understand that they will be parents to these children forever. It doesn't bother me in the least that we attend these functions together along with his ex-wife, and as a matter of fact, I'm grateful that the my BF and his ex can manage to sit through the function together and behave like adults. Do they sit at the same table? No. Do they chit-chat? No. But they are able to enjoy the child's special day. What a shame it would be if one parent would have to miss the child's celebration because they couldn't put the child's interests first.

If it makes others and the original poster uncomfortable, by all means say so and open the dialog with your BF or new spouse. When I posted my response at the beginning of this thread, I was trying (and apparently I did not do a good job of it) to show another side to the issue, and that in my case, I didn't find the situation to be a big deal. In subsequent responses, I've been told that I'm selfish, living in a fantasy-land, and a bad girl for understanding that in the dynamic of exes and children, that I didn't find a photo to be a deal-breaker at all. I find it to be a simple photo - that's it. In my case, the photo will be a lasting memory for the bride of a photo of her entire biological family celebrating HER special day - not some ill-fated fantasy or attempt by her on her wedding day to reunite her mom and dad after 12 years of divorce, or the bride "pretending" that they are still the happy family. I also don't feel that the bride was selfish or being unusually cruel to me by asking for that one single photo - and it did not make me uncomfortable. But that's just me - apparently others feel that this situation would be simply unbearable - and I get it. If you find the situation untolerable, remove yourself from the situation.

I guess it's all in the way one interprets the situation. I choose to accept it for what it is - a simple, non-relationship threatening photo for the sake of the bride on her special day, and the graduate at the celebration of her accomplishment.

It has nothing to with insecurity, though. None of the people in my scenario are "insecure." It has more to do with acceptance of reality and maturity levels. As my 28 year old son noted, there is a new family dynamic now. Part of maturity is accepting that. It would be inappropriate for adult children to ask divorced parents to engage in such a pretense. And it sure doesn't help the adult child grow up.

Our culture tends to be enamored with pretense in situations like this and this viewpoint looks like more of the same.

p.s. do you mind if we get back to the subject at hand or did you just sign up to disrupt threads?

*************EDIT************

Huh. Jack's post looks like a direct answer to the OP. She asked for opinions. She's getting them.

If it is something that bothers her, fine. She uses POJA to resolve it like everything else. Or she walks away. Trying to convince her boyfriend of the error of his way by, for example, stating that he is not living in "reality" would surely be perceived as a SD and DJ. This is not an affair situation in which there is a bottom line. This is a subject that must be negotiated.

Let's get back on track and stop this disruption!

**edit**

As to the original poster's question, why not ask HIM? Ask him what the circumstances of the photo were and if you're unhappy with his explanation tell him so. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Your feelings are yours and you shouldn't feel like you have to justify them to him or us. Good luck to you.

moderators note: back on topic, please!

One word to solve this: PhotoShop!

***********EDIT**********

Stop disrupting this thread with side arguments and get back on topic!

The topic at hand is do we take pictures with exes? The answers here (outside of the deleted ones that I don't know what they said) seem to be on subject in my estimation. We don't all have to agree, maybe sometimes people have to arrive at their own answers...after all, we all have different situations with our exes. Yes at an adult child's wedding, I have always been taught that etiquette dictates it's about the bride and groom, not the parents, etc. I don't think they'd enter any illusion it'd mean their parents would get back together. At any rate, my kids didn't elect to do this, so it's a moot point for me. If they had I probably would have done so but it would have been nothing more than a biological picture...I can't imagine them requesting that though because even though their dad and I get along with each other fine (now that we aren't married), his current wife is very insecure (not to infer that anyone who objects to this is insecure, there's all kinds of reasons for objections) and would NEVER stand for it, and I have always tried to respect her wishes and position as his wife.

I hope my 2 cents doesn't upset anyone, I don't want to be argumentative, I'm just voicing my opinion. For any other occasion, I can't even imagine having photos taken together. Why would you?

Actually, I think the difference would be if the parents divorced because of adultery. If someone has never been the victim of adultery, they cannot possibly understand the dynamic involved in a betrayed just seeing the person that betrayed them, much less having a photograph made with them. IMO, an adult child who does not understand this, is a child who wasn't taught that adultery is wrong and probably hasn't been told the true circumstance of their parents divorce.

One of my relatives walked out on his wife of 25 years (and four almost grown children) and moved in with another woman (who he met on a business trip out of town by the way). We were all shocked! It was so far out of character and with absolutely no warning. He was the last person on earth that we ever thought would do this.

He and the OW broke up and he and his wife eventually got back together. Unfortunately they didn't have the tools to really recover so they ended up divorced. (I wish I'd known about MB back then, I would have sent them to MB in a heartbeat.)

Both parents have since remarried and although a lot of time has passed, his children have never completely recovered their relationship with their dad. He is invited to weddings and special events and sometimes their mother is there. However, these adult children would never dream of asking their parents to pose in a photo together. They get it. They saw and paid the ultimate price of adultery and their family will NEVER be the same no matter how much time passes, or how many photos are made.

Haven't been on the board in a while and I haven't read this entire thread, but the only "family picture" I've been in with the ex was at my son's wedding. WXH stood on one side of the couple and I stood on the other. One photo and that was it.