I wanted to start a new thread for this because it has become an increasingly difficult problem for my H and I and I imagine others who have small children may be dealing with the same thing. I'm looking for advice from anyone who has had issues with child care that have negatively impacted your ability to get 15+ hours of UA time a week.

My H and I pretty much never get 15 hours of UA time in any given week. We're doing good to get any at all really, and some weeks we don't get any. My H wakes up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work and is gone 12 hours a day, so he has to go to bed early. No matter how early I put the baby down, we just aren't going to get much UA time in the evenings. On weekends, we spend lots of time together, but the baby is always with us. We only have one teen at home (DS 16), and though he will very reluctantly babysit once in awhile, I can't really ask him to watch her for 15 hours a week. Money is nonexistent. We just can't afford to pay a sitter. We try to hire someone once a month for a date night, but even that is pushing it.

What made me start thinking about this is that our anniversary is next month and my H and I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone. We've only had one night alone since the baby was born 2 years ago, so even though we can't afford to do anything, just having some alone time would mean so much. So, we asked my H's sister to babysit, since she's about the only family nearby who is physically able to do it (our parents are older and have health problems). She turned us down, claiming she wouldn't have room since her 3 step-kids would be with her during that time (even though she has kept several of her H's nieces/nephews when they had his kids over as well and managed to have room for all of them). My SIL has never baby sat for any of our children. It's not like we ask her for baby sitting all the time. In fact, this is the first time we've ever asked. Her solution was that we should just take the baby with us if we want to go anywhere, which sort of defeats the goal of having time alone.

This has been a huge trend in both of our families. Everyone in our families thinks that if you have kids, you shouldn't leave them. They believe that married couples don't need date nights or time alone. There is no support whatsoever from either of our families in this and there never has been.

It's very frustrating for me, because I know my relationship with my H is suffering because we have little to no time alone, but I don't know what to do about it.

I know you know that you can't have a good marriage like this. But I wanted to reiterate it.


Why is your husband gone 12 hours a day? If this is a 5 day job (please tell me it's not 6 or 7!), this adds up to 60 hours a week.

Good old Dr. Harley strongly recommends that a job not take up more than 50 hours per week including commute time. Is there anything you guys can do to decrease the number of hours your husband's career is draining away?

Can you and the baby get up when your husband does so that the baby's wake/sleep cycles might adjust and the baby might go to bed earlier in the evening and give you guys some time? You can put blackout curtains in the child's room if you need the child to be going to bed in daylight hours.

Have you added up all of the time each of you are spending in the week to find out where it is going?


That's something, at least, but it's not undivided attention time.

I know how hard it is to try to do this without the support of family. If we didn't have our evening time, I don't think we could make it.

Could you work part time and bring in enough money to pay for childcare while you are working and childcare for UA time?

What hours are your husband home?
Where do your older children live?

What time does your 2 year old go to bed?

Anyone you can swap babysitting time with?

You watch their children one Saturday, they watch yours the next.

Marcos: My H only gets paid for 8 hours a day, but he has a total commute time of 3 hours (1.5 hours each way), plus an hour for lunch. He can't cut back on his hours or he would no longer be full time, and we can't afford to live closer to his work. He works in Orange County, and the rent out there is more than his take-home pay.

I am trying to adjust the baby's sleep schedule so that she goes down earlier, but I really can't imagine waking up at 4:30 every morning. I am not a morning person at all.

I have been looking for a job for awhile, but unemployment here is atrocious and I haven't found anything that would even cover the cost of daycare while I'm at work. I used to work retail in the evenings and on weekends, but I've been trying to avoid going back to that since it would make the UA time even less.

Prisca: My H gets home around 4:30 in the afternoon. We spend most of our time together in the evenings, but the 2-year old is there, so it doesn't technically count as UA time from what I've been told. He's also home on the weekends, but again, most of the time it's me, H, and the baby. We do have a little extra time in the evenings on weekends after baby goes to bed, since H doesn't have to get up the next morning. But I don't think it adds up to nearly 15 hours.

DS 21 just moved in with my in-laws an hour and a half away to work and go to school. DD19 is in college and has an apartment near campus. DS18 is still in juvenile hall until Nov. 22, but may be going to live with my in-laws as well when he gets out so that he can work. There just aren't many jobs or opportunities way out here where we live.

We've thought about trying this, but we're older, so most of the people we no don't have little ones anymore.

I may have missed where you said what time your toddler goes to bed. If I did, I'm sorry. My 1-3 year olds go to bed at 7, so I'm assuming yours is similar. I'm going to throw out a rough schedule here -- it might not exactly work for your situation, but it might help give a place to start brainstorming.

I'm not a morning person, either. But, if you were getting 8 hours sleep at night, you might be able to adjust. Especially if you're getting to spend time with your husband.

4:30pm-7:00pm: Family Commitment time (2 1/2 hours)
7:00pm: Toddler in bed
7:00pm-8:30pm: UA time (1 1/2 hours)
8:30pm-4:30am: 8 hours sleep
4:30am-5:00am: UA time (30 minutes)

With that schedule, 7 days a week, you will be getting 14 hours UA time, 17.5 hours Family Time, and 8 hours sleep every night.

Nothing like being told over and over and OVER that you ought to do something you have no way of doing, is there.....

I feel your frustration, writer1, and I have read enough of your story to know that you guys are barely making it, have almost no family support, have had problems with your other kids, and generally feel like you are on your last stretch of strength.

And I assume that you have grown accustomed to eating and having a roof lo these many years, so cavalierly cutting your H's work or some such isn't an option.

If I lived there, I'd babysit that sweetie for free, dangit! I miss babies.

You may be like me. A mantra wasn't enough. I had to go with a reality based combination approach, and now DH and I are more content and in love on on solid ground than we have been in years.

I hope that something gets easier for y'all soon.

The key to mine and Markos UA time is a tight schedule like that. Otherwise, we would never see each other enough. We do not have family that can babysit on a consistent basis, and we don't have too many friends that I feel comfortable asking for babysitting.

Actually, the baby goes to bed around 9. Late, I know, but nowhere near as late as she used to go to bed. Her sleep was really messed up in the first year of life. She would often be awake until 1 a.m. and then up again before 6. She sleeps through the night now, but I have a hard time getting her settled down, especially since our house is small and every little sound is audible from every room. We use a fan in her room for white noise and that helps some.

Luri (can I still call you Luri?): I may have to get unused to having a roof over my head. Our house recently entered into foreclosure. We still aren't sure when we have to be out, but we don't have anywhere to go as of yet. Of course, the nice bank just sent me a letter saying that if I send them $10,000, they will take the house out of foreclosure and we'll be good. I checked the money tree in the backyard and the prospects aren't looking great. Does anyone know anything about robbing banks?

This job market is bad but being faced with foreclosure priorties need to be changed. First job for you, second job for your H. 15 hours is nice. Keeping a home is nicer.

I need a second job myself. This economy it's hard finding the first job for many yet a second.

Why is it always easier to tell how then to do?

Road, I think it would be much easier for me to find a job somewhere else. Even my H can't find a job where we live. He has to commute 50 miles each way, which simply wouldn't work for both of us with a 2-year old and a 16-year old teen who has to be transported 6 miles each way to and from school (no bus). I can't imagine both of us doing that commute and being gone 12+ hours a day. Where I live is fairly rural and the unemployment rate is 16%. What few jobs there are pay minimum wage, so I would lose money if I had to pay for daycare.

My H is trying to find a job in a place where there will be more opportunities for me to find work and somewhere with a lower cost of living. I just hope we find something before we end up homeless. It's a race against time at this point. Saving the house is pretty well beyond our means.

Usually you can stall an eviction for a year. Laws vary by state.

Have you written the bank asking for a reduced mortgage? You can write the request as they would be better off and lose less on this loan if they can reduce your payment vs a foreclosure.

We got our monthly payments reduced $100. Lucky we have always just made our payments on time. Always close.

Just too many people looking for work. As many are I have been unemployed or under employed for 3 years. No health insurance, lucky not sick. No cash left set a side for an emergency.

I don't know how you got through the legal fees for your son. Not asking just reflecting.

I read where you had no hot water. If you had a cell phone and could do without a house phone then cutting of the house phone that should of freed up enough money for a new hot water heater.

Just keep looking for ways to cut your living expenses. We turn our heat down 55 at night and our thermostat never sees anything past 65. When I'm the only one home during the day I'll sit with a coat and hat. When my hands hurt from being cold I'll put on gloves. So I can keep the heat at 61-62 during the day.

You have a 2 yo at home and can't be this cheap with the heat. You just have to say going to a movie is too extravagant for you and don't spend. A meal out you tell yourself the same thing.

People confuse wanting with needing. My dad would say how bad it was growing up through the Great Depression. He had to do without a lot.

Road, sorry you're having a hard time too. I know we aren't the only ones. Things are tough all around right now.

I think I'm fairly frugal. I cut coupons and buy our groceries at a local discount store. We have a very basic cell phone plan with not a lot of minutes, so I don't think it would work to lose our landline, or we would probably go over on our minutes. I live in So-Cal, so we don't use the heater too much. The AC is another matter. During the summer, it's almost always over 100 degrees here and my house is old and not terribly energy efficient, so we have to run the AC a lot. Still, I keep the thermostat between 78 and 80. Even with that, our summer bill can easily be over $200 a month. We're still paying down our bill for August and getting disconnection notices, and it's been in the upper 90's here the past few days, so I've had to turn the AC back on.

As far as my son's legal bills, my H cashed out his extremely small 401K Plan to make the down payment, then for several months, we were using our house mortgage money to make the payments. We still owe him some money too.

Writer-
What about bartering for childcare services?

I have a day desk job, and I have a 2nd job that is rather specialized. I've bartered my 2nd job services for child care. I don't do it often, but it's a win-win for everyone. Can you barter writing services? Tutoring? What about house cleaning..I'm sure you could take your 2 yo with you to clean house.

What about bartering child care services with another mom? I would assume your city as a craigslist..How about you post an ad there? Or post something at the grocery store or news paper? I believe our "mommy" instinct is often very good, and as long as you trust yourself, it is possible to find a caring, responsible adult to watch your child.

What about jobs that you can take your child to? I know, for example, in my city there are a few businesses that run "stroller workouts" for SAHM moms. Also, I've seen where daycares allow the worker to bring in their kids for minimal costs. What about offering some pet care services? If you have a stroller, you could strap the 2 yo in it and walk a dog..In my town, I also see help where single parents are looking for a mother's helper, to do laundry, clean, etc. You could bring your child to those sorts of jobs.

Have you checked out local places of worship with schools attached? As part of my child's parochial school, volunteering is mandatory. Maybe you might find something like that?

Finally, do you have any resources such as this?http://www.archrespite.org/

My city's respite center takes kids even, even overnight, when parents are stressed and need a break.

Have you checked into places like Angel Food Ministries or Project Share? If that is less expensive than what you spend on food, you might be able to find a couple of dollars..

This august we had two hot weeks in NY. I had been cheap with the AC all summer. But with kids home and guests I keep the AC on 75 to keep out the humidity. Afternoons the house would hit 80. The electric bill was about $275 that month.

My wife couldn't believe it was that much. She never complained that I only used the AC maybe three more days this pass season since then.

It also renewed the importance to keep the heat extremely low. Save a semi splurge if someone gets sick. We have thought about getting rid of our land line.

$60 dollars a month doesn't sound like a lot though every bit saved helps. But I have a lot of resumes out there with that number on it. Odds are I'm not going to get called but I can't take the risk of not being reached for a job interview.

Outside of that you and I just have to reduce overhead just as all the big corporations. We never have enough money that some can be saved for a rainy day

Our income tax refund has been our emergency money for the last three years. And last years emoney is gone.

I was going to suggest waking up at 4:00 am so you have 30 minutes each day alone with him. It sounds aweful but you can do it. Others have. I presume you are a stay at home mom? If not, there are still ways around it but if so it's even easier. Get up early and have coffee together every day. He may appreciate having you to help him in the mornings. When he leaves for work, get the baby up and start the baby's day that much earlier.

You say he goes to bed early. This way, you will go to bed early as well. You can always get another 30 minutes quality time in bed before you both fall asleep.

Would it be horrible of me to call bullpuckey on this? Terrible at all?

BULLPUCKEY!

I spent the past 2 years on graveyard shift, and intermittent graveyard on and off for 11 years before that.

Now, I HAVE to get up to be to work at 6AM twice a week, and at clinicals 6:25 another two days a week.

Now it's no problem at all, because I have retrained my sleep cycle - it's a developed habit.

Funny thing is, it takes more time to develop a healthy habit than an unhealthy one, and it takes more time to break an unhealthy habit than a healthy one.

However, if developing this habit allows you to have coffee every morning, and chat with your H before he heads off to work, I'm sure the reward will make it easier to maintain.

I'm not sure getting up early in the morning would be okay with my H either. He basically gets up 10 minutes before he leaves, throws his clothes on, brushes his teeth, and is out the door. He already gets up in the middle of the night and has to start work long before the sun is up. I don't think he would be very enthusiastic about getting up even earlier.

Inrecovery: Thank you for the ideas. I'll have to look into them. My grocery bill is pretty low now with coupons and the discount store. I have looked at Angel Food Ministries, but they don't seem much cheaper than what I'm paying now.

writer, has your husband considered changing jobs to something closer? Have you guys considered moving?

YES! YES! YES!

We want to move away from CA so badly that it isn't even funny. My H has sent out literally 100's of resumes to just about every part of the country. But jobs are slim picking right now, and a lot of companies don't want to bother with you if you aren't already in the area and able to come in for an interview. He has had a few phone interviews and a job offer here and there, but nothing that would pay enough for us to live off of. Unfortunately, he works in customer service, which isn't very high paying, and he doesn't have any specialized skills that are in high demand. He would like to go back to school. He's been looking into IT and wants to take some courses in CISCO, but it's going to take awhile to get through a program, so not an immediate solution to the problem.

Writer, I feel for you because my baby was one of those who woke every morning at 4:30 and wouldn't go to sleep until 10ish. Now 5 he wakes up between 5:30-7 and that's IF I keep him up til 8:30-9. Even then he's not "sleepy" but he knows the rule is he has to stay in bed for at least a half an hour. Usually, not always, he is asleep in half an hour. Sometimes he still wakes at 4:30. And he's not a "put him in front of the TV� so unlike my coworkers, I can�t just set him up with a TV in the other room. It killed me because my friends and coworkers all seem to put their kids down at 6-7pm so when I used to ask how they managed to get alone time they looked at me with blank stares. �We spend time together after we put them down.� He was such a handful (not malicious, but quite mischievous) that none of my friends- whose children were graduating from high school and college and had no more patience for young�uns- wanted to keep him.

And I remember being without hot water (boil it on the stove) without a/c (we like it warm anyway, right) and without a variety of other creature comforts until there was just nothing else left to cut. And we still couldn�t make ends meet.

So I really feel for you.

Here are my tips:

More money: if a job isn�t something you can do from home, maybe you can do what I did to start getting out of debt. I sold stuff. I sold anything I could at yard sales/thrift store/ebay. I found that the base thrift store worked best for me but a friend who didn�t have access to the base did well on ebay. We found bargains and re-sold them. We found deals on ebay and on the two-dollar bag at the thrift store, then turned around and sold them. I made several hundred extra a month on a good month. Some months were only $40-80 if I couldn�t find any good deals to sell.

More time: I�d like to second inrecoverynow�s idea of working somewhere that lets the kids be watched for free. One of our churches does this- my friend works there and her child goes to daycare for free. That�s why she works there. Also like to second Tabby1�s idea of getting up a little earlier. Why not try it and see how you feel after a few weeks? Of course, if your baby is like mine was, and won�t go down for a nap, then you might be scared of being too exhausted. But maybe that time spent with hubby would be worth it and actually lessen your exhaustion in the long run?

Engaging your son: Last suggestion is to schedule regular babysitting time with the 16 yr old. Maybe not 15 hours, but how about 3-4 as a start? You say he does it reluctantly, and I know I personally wouldn�t want to force the issue since money is tight and he probably already feels deprived compared to his peers. And I would hate to take him away from a job making money to babysit and make no money. But on the other hand, my parents didn�t ask me if I wanted to watch my brother and sister. That was part of my job as oldest. I would never saddle one of my children with that on a daily basis, because I honestly did resent being stuck inside every day (even during summer break) to watch them�but once a month? Who is paying for his food, clothes, etc? Sure, other kids don�t have to give up one night a month to watch the baby, but happy parents are worth more than video games with friends (in the long run).

Hope that helps some�

DTC

Why don't both of y'all go back to school? Fill out the fasfa, get pell grants, and get a degree. there are plenty of online programs.

I want to go back to school, but I already have $70,000 in student loan debt. Taking on even more debt is extremely scary. It's hard to imagine a job that would enable me to pay back that kind of money.

oops, just saw the part about him getting up with barely enough time to get out the door! I am like that too. So maybe that won't work for you, LOL!

I originally typed this out and realized it didn�t really apply to the OP (Writer1). I changed my response to her, but decided to post this anyway to benefit someone else who might be reading this thread. I hope that�s ok:

One of the hardest things I did over the last year was interviewing babysitters. I now have 3 young ladies who can watch him for me. I was scared of this at first because of the horror stories I hear (and a few that I lived as a kid) and also because I�m broke. Not facing foreclosure broke like you are, but no real extra income. I had to get over that because as a single military mom with occasional weekend/late night duty in a new base with no friends/family around, I couldn�t afford to be squeamish for long. I was going to have to leave him with someone sometime. It took a few weeks for me to �warm up� to the girls- having them come meet us, me meet their parents, have them come play activities with him, etc before actually leaving him alone with them. During times when I have to have sitters too often, he misses mommy times. But most of the time it�s only once/twice a month and he loves having his �friends� come play. And now I have them come over for work but also just so I can have some alone time (which for you could be UA time).

I know times are tough if you are facing foreclosure, but sometimes I have paid these girls in food (you watch him, I feed you dinner) and in taking them somewhere their parents wouldn�t normally be able to (the one girl has a very sick mother and deployed father so she watches him for a few hours and then I take her to the free whatever downtown with us that her mom just can�t do).

Hope that helps some,
DTC

Daisy: I'm really weird about sleep. I guess not getting any for an entire year will do that to you. I've always had insomnia. What some people don't realize is that insomniacs need as much sleep as everyone else, they just don't get it. I can be very tired, but that doesn't mean I can fall asleep. It's quite frustrating. And our recent financial problems have made the issue worse. I lay in bed for hours every night obsessing over money problems.

My post was eaten or something....anyway...

Writer, have you asked DD19 if she'd watch DD2 for the evening or for an evening and partial day so you and H could go out? DS16 can watch DD2 an hour here and there so you can go out for a cup of coffee, an ice cream or a walk. You may not be able to get multiple days or hours all the time but the hours can add up. Take a shower/bath together after DD2 is down for the night...the dishes can wait.

DD19 lives about an hour away and doesn't have a car, so transportation is an issue. She used to babysit all the time before she went to college. Soon, she'll be leaving for Colorado for the winter to work. I'm going to miss her.

You or H can pick her up, no? She can stay a night and go home the next day.

1) Create a babysitting co-op where you trade babysitting with friends/neighbors

2) Ask a friend/neighbor to help out for the anniv.

3) Go to your house of worship and explain your situation and see if they have anyone who would help out.

My son had a serious bout of insomnia in college - didn't sleep for about 2 weeks. He finally went to the doctor, who suggested supplementing vitamins and minerals that get depleted the fastest when you're under stress: B complex, C, magnesium, not sure what else. My son picked up some StressTabs on his way home. About 15 minutes after he took it, he fell into bed and slept like a rock.

That's not always the answer to insomnia, but it's probably the easiest one to test.

Writer, what do you think about doing daycare in your home? That'd be a fast way to get your mortgage caught up and even paid off early.

Okay, I dug up this old thread of mine because I was reading Opt's UA thread and I didn't want to interrupt that.

But this is still something I struggle with, even after all this time.

OC is 3 1/2 now. She will soon be our only child at home (youngest DS is turning 18 in a few days and will be moving out after lots of issues over the past several years). He has been baby sitting once a week for date night, but even getting him to do that has been a struggle and we still have to pay him.

So, our situation now is this:

1) No family to babysit. Nearest family is over an hour away and the only one remotely able/willing to babysit is my mom, and she will only do so occasionally as she is now on disability and cannot handle a 3-year-old for long periods of time.

2) Still very little money to hire a baby sitter. Our rent recently went up and we now spend almost half our take-home pay on rent for a 2-bedroom apartment (cheapest we could find in the area).

3) No friends/acquaintances in the area with small children we could swap baby sitting with. In fact, I really don't know anyone here at all.

This thread veered off to how I could earn more money. But what I would really like to focus on is how people with young children (under 5) who are not in school yet manage to get the required 15-20 hours of UA time in every week. I can see how it would be possible with lots of family support, or enough money to hire a full time nanny, but what about those who do not have those luxuries?

To me, it just seems impossible to even imagine finding someone to watch our 3-year-old 4 times a week for 4 hours at a time. One of the reasons I stopped posting here almost a year ago was because I was really getting the impression that MB just isn't for people with young children who don't have tons of money or family support for the program. I don't know if that's the impression Dr. Harley wants to give, but it's definitely the impression I got here on the forum.

I would love to hear from people with young children who have successfully worked the MB program while their children were young.

Do you go out on the recommended 4 dates a week? If so, how do you accomplish this? Who provides the daycare for your children while you are on dates? How have you managed to pay for this? If family members provide care for your children while you are on dates, how did you get them onboard with MB?

Most of the people I have told about the program and attempted to get support from in this matter simply think I'm crazy and that I have entirely unrealistic expectations, which has been very frustrating.

For now, I have basically put MB on hold and accepted the fact that it might not be something I am capable of doing until our DD is older. But I'd love to be wrong about that.

We go to the gym 2-3 days a week. Childcare there costs us about $42 a month, and that's for 6 kids. One child would cost less.

We are currently using Care.com to locate a babysitter in our area. You can set the price you're able to pay, and see if anyone responds. There's also a childcare exchange option that I haven't looked into.

I think it was HerPapaBear who said they joined a homeschool coop and would hire homeschool girls to babysit. I'm sure you can find a homeschool group or two in your area that may willing to help you out. Teenage girls wouldn't require as big a payment as a Nanny. You could also advertise at local churches.

You might check into Mom's Day Out programs some local churches may offer.

Lastly, here is a good radio show for you to listen to:
Dr. Harley talks about UA time at home It helped Markos and I immensely.

Another suggestion: Send your post directly to Dr. Harley and see if he will answer on the air.

Another thing to possibly consider: Move. If rent is taking up half your take home pay, you can't afford to live and work where you are.

Thanks for the link Prisca. I just listened to the clip and found it very helpful.

It's good to know that Dr. Harley's stance on the issue of UA time at home isn't as hardline as the opinions I have seen presented on the forum make it out to be. It seems like Dr. Harley makes concessions for those with young children who simply cannot get out of the home 4 times a week for a date, and that's good to know.

We usually get out once or twice a week (at least once). The rest of our UA time really does have to happen at home after our DD is asleep. I really do enjoy this time. My H and I love to play board games. Sometimes we read together. I have always counted this toward our UA time, even though some posters have told me in no uncertain terms that it doesn't count. It seems that Dr. Harley agrees that it counts as well.

I would love to join a gym, but we don't have the money for a membership right now.

I have been on Care.com for awhile, but I haven't gotten many responses thus far. I would love to do an exchange type thing if I could meet other couples with young children. I'm much older than most people with young kids, so that has been an obstacle. We really can't pay much. We paid our son $10 to watch DD for 4-5 hours once a week, but I doubt I would find anyone else who would do it for so little. One problem I have is that we live in a very wealthy area. Most people have so much more money than we do and the teens here aren't likely to understand why someone wouldn't be able to pay them well. Baby sitting jobs here typically pay anywhere from $5-$15 an hour, which would certainly add up quickly.

Yes, we definitely realize this. But my H hasn't been able to find work anywhere else. He is constantly applying for jobs, but the job market is still really tough. There haven't been any offers yet. He is going back to school, earning his MBA online, so I'm hopeful that will change eventually. We are stuck in our current lease until next March, so not much we can do about it until then. There is a $2000 fee to break the lease. That also makes job searching more difficult. We basically have to hope H finds a job somewhere else near the end of our lease, or we will be forced to keep renewing it for a year at a time. Rent for our apartment would be $350 a month more than we're currently paying without a lease and there's just no way we can handle that.

I don't know if you saw this in the archived section but it has some excellent low cost date ideas. I hope it helps.

Free/Low Cost Date Ideas

Thanks BrainHurts. I actually haven't seen that section before.

I noticed one of the suggestions on there is pack a lunch and have a picnic. This is one of my favorite things to do. My absolute favorite dates are when me and DH go to the canyon near our home, visit the bird sanctuary, have a picnic, and go for a hike. I really am a cheap date. I don't like all the fancy, expensive stuff.

Since both finances and childcare are an issue I am guessing you are looking for new ideas for UA time at home after your little one is in bed.

Maybe you could try a moonlight picnic in your backyard? If you live in an apartment maybe a nice candlelight dinner inside...or a candlelight bath together? You could spice up a card game with some strip poker! Another idea could be just to sit outside together at night enjoying the night, and stars, maybe with a glass of wine, just relaxing and chatting.

After your little on starts school this should offer more opportunities to swap babysitting with some of the other moms. Will your child be starting preschool in the fall? You may be able to get out more often very soon. Until then just be creative, it could be fun and very romantic!

Good. There were also ideas about games and such after the kids are in bed. It will just be DD3.5 at home with you two, correct?

So you can do fun stuff after she's in bed. Does she have a good set bedtime?

Soon it will just be the 3 of us. One problem we've had is that right now, older DS is still living with us. We only have 2 bedrooms and he didn't want to sleep with his little sister, so he sleeps on a sofa bed in the living room. That has kind of limited our ability to have UA time after DD goes to bed, since we only have our small bedroom to ourselves. I suppose that's fine for SF, but not much else, and SF is a problem for reasons I've gone into elsewhere (as in, it really hasn't happened in over a year, and not much before that). DH has issues with ED. I'm hoping we can figure that out at some point.

DD 3 goes to bed kind of late now (between 9 and 10) but mostly that's because DS is generally coming home around that time and making noise, so it wakes her up if we put her to bed too early. I am planning on moving up her bedtime once it's just the 3 of us and we know we will have the evenings to ourselves without interruption. Often, right now, DS will call around 10 and my DH will have to go pick him up somewhere so he won't get another curfew violation (he's already gotten 3 and they are expensive). That will all be ending soon when he turns 18 on Sunday. It's going to be a huge relief not to have to be legally responsible for this kid anymore. He has been a nightmare, to say the least.

Ok so how long until DS moves out?

I would put DD to bed by 8 and so that gives you at least 2 hrs for UA time.

Has your DH got his T level checked? I know you asked before but did he ever get it checked?

About a week until DS moves out (we'll see if he stays gone since he's just going to stay with a friend and doesn't have a job yet).

DH has had his T level checked. It was normal, but on the low end of normal. Doctor wants him to see an endocrinologist. I need to get on him to make that appointment. He was supposed to go months ago.

Yes get him to see the doctor to rule out anything else.

So can you get DD to bed by 8? If DS doesn't stay gone you can still have the time for UA?

Yeah, I'm going to bring up the issue about the appointment again. He said he will go, but he just doesn't make the appointment. I'm not sure why he's still putting it off.

Yes, we can definitely get DD into bed earlier. I've already told DS that the only way he will be allowed to come back is if he is a) going to school full time (he didn't finish high school. He's years behind and simply refused to go anymore several months ago) or b) working full time and paying rent. He says he doesn't want to stay here, but since he has no job and no education, I have no idea what he plans to do once he gets tired of floating from one friend's couch to another.

Let us know what DH says about not making the appointment. Will it fill an EN for him if you made the appointment and go with him?


I think living on DS's own will make him "live his own consequences" for choosing the path he has.

Friends will soon grow tired of someone mooching off of them.

Writer, do you see any of your adult children?

I would be more than happy to go with him to the appointment. In fact, we even talked about him seeing my doctor. I already see an endo for thyroid issues. I'm going to talk to him again and see if we can call and make him an appointment next week.

Since you two posted at the same time I didn't know if you saw CWMI's question.

Yes, my two oldest sons share an apartment about an hour and a half north of us. They work a lot, but I see them a couple times a month and talk/text in between. My DD lives and goes to school in Colorado, but she was here visiting in April. I talk/text with her often too and we're hoping to go see her this winter sometime, since she works at a ski resort. We visited her last summer too.

Writer, my first take when I saw your post, was that I wish you would write almost the exact same thing and send it to Dr. Harley on the radio show and hear his answer.

Marriage Builders is not a program that can't work when you have small children. But you have to get creative, and you have to be careful not to get into a mental state where you don't see or won't try solutions to your problems. You have to put the problem on the front burner and insist that it be solved, and until then insist that it be investigated and negotiated every day.

And also, it has to be you and your husband working together for a solution. Not just you. Where is he in all of this? What ideas does he have?

Please, consider sending your question in to Dr. Harley personally. He is the best person capable of explaining how his program works, and I can tell you from experience he does not think that it should wait until small children get older.

Thanks Markos, I have been considering doing that. I guess I'm just not sure how much of a history I should include if I do so. I've been here for awhile and my story is rather long and confused. A letter with all of the background info might get a little long.

I would love to do the online program, but unfortunately, it's never been possible for us financially.

I just realized I didn't answer this, and then I realized I really don't know how to answer it, because I really don't know. We talk about MB a lot. He's familiar with most of the concepts. He's done a little reading here, but I imagine most of what he is familiar with has come through me. I don't really know how he feels about it. It's difficult for me to get a sense of how he really feels about anything.

Personally I don't think all of history (betrayal; OC) is relevant to the current issue you are facing.

The current issue is about finances and relationship apathy that, it seems, really do operate independently of your pasts.

I think something like your opening post, pared down and giving very specific info about your logistical challenges is sufficient.

Writer, I agree with kerala; just take your original post and edit it a bit and send it in. Boil it down to your question: "For now, I have basically put MB on hold and accepted the fact that it might not be something I am capable of doing until our DD is older. But I'd love to be wrong about that."

I would present this to him:

"Husband, I have a problem, and I'm hoping to get your help. In order to feel good about our marriage, I need more time alone with you. Can we spend some time together every day coming up with ideas for how we can get some more time alone? I really need us to solve this problem, and eventually I'm sure we can come up with the right solution."

Bring him on board. You need his cooperation, and he needs to know that. Don't put this problem on hold for another two years, and quit solving other problems first. This is the important problem, not that other stuff that's going on in life.

Sigh. Feeling discouraged. My H's idea of UA time is apparently messing around on the computer after DD goes to bed and occasionally making a comment to me about whatever it is he's reading, or playing his turn on "Words With Friends." That about sums up our alone time, other than the weekly date night.

Does he understand the policy of UA? Will he read this? The Policy of Undivided Attention

What about getting cards out or a board game and have it all set up? And say very excited " you ready for me to beat you in a game of scrabble"?

Yes, he understands it. He knows playing on the computer doesn't count for UA time. I'm just not sure if he cares.

I know I could do something like that. I should do it. I should try harder to engage him. But it always feels like I'm the only one trying. I think he's pretty much okay with the way things are. And I'm tired of being the only one who even wants to try. And maybe the problem is I just don't want to anymore. I feel very apathetic about it at this point. I don't feel much of a connection to him anymore, and I think that's largely due to long-term lack of intimacy and lack of quality UA time.

****edit*****

DS18 is her husband's child.

This from 2009.

Hi writer, I put a couple of UA ideas of Z's thread, no stress. Maybe playing words with friends together would fit somewhere too?

I think this is the real problem here.

What happens when you say "I need more time with you, and I need it to be more affectionate, and conversational, and interactive. Can we do something together tonight? Can we cook? Can we ... ?" Take out all criticism and judgment about how he prefers to spend his time, and propose another alternative that you might both like.

How does he react when you approach it like this? Without any judgment for the fact that he "should" be doing different, according to Marriage Builders?

Any chance you ever sent a message into Marriage Builders Radio?

Well, I missed the personal attack by CWMI, though whatever it was, I'm sure I wouldn't have been surprised by it.

I think our problem is mostly follow-through. When I talk to him about it, my H seems all for doing things together, but when it comes time to actually do it, it just doesn't happen. Right now, I'm trying to slowly move DD's bedtime up so she will be in bed earlier, but when I suggest we get start getting her ready for bed, H doesn't seem that motivated to do it. Then, once we do get her into bed, he hops right back on the computer in a matter of minutes. Yes, I should say something at this point. But we've already talked about it earlier and agreed that we are going to do something together other than play on the computer, and when he doesn't follow through with it, I start feeling like he doesn't really want to do anything with me and he doesn't really care.

It's a vicious cycle and I do need to step up and be the one to break it. It's just difficult for me, because I feel so disconnected from him right now. It's hard to imagine wanting things like affection or SF from him when I feel this way. I'm not a naturally affectionate person, so I don't feel comfortable being affectionate unless I feel emotionally connected, and I don't feel that way at all. In fact, right now, even the thought of affection or SF makes my skin crawl.

I am working on the letter to the radio show. It's been a busy week, but I'm hoping to get something sent in this weekend.

Sorry, writer; apparently I am on a roll and sharing brain farts with my H. I have been a little frustrated with people who come up with excuses why they can't do anything to help themself, and I should just not post to them.

Oh, I know there is plenty I can do to help myself. Just working on finding the motivation to do it.

I think I know some of the problem. I'm pretty sure I have been suffering from clinical depression for a few years now, maybe longer. It runs in the family. I've watched my mother deal with it (or not) most of her life. I keep thinking I can work my way out of it, since I'm aware of what is happening, but it doesn't seem to be working for me at the moment. I'm very reluctant to go to a doctor because I don't want to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. I know all about the side effects and it seems like a case of the cure being worse than the disease.

writer, have you ever heard what Dr. Harley says about depression? You might get a lot out of going through the radio archives on that subject.

Some ADs are better than others for any certain individual. I ended up on them for a very brief period a couple of years ago, and they really helped me pull my head out of my rear--I didn't want to take them, either, so I get that. i was prescribed one that did not agree with me, so I went back to DR and spun my head around and threatened to swallow his soul and got something different that I only took for two months before I came off them. Maybe you only need an override like I did. Either way, you have a month or two to try addressing the problem, right? You can always stop, but ask your doctor for the mildest stuff possible with the least side effects and build up from there--I got knockout crap that was way too much at first, given to me because it was fast-acting. Don't do that.

Please listen to these from Dr. Harley on ADs.
Radio clip on depression and ADs
Segment #2
Segment #3

Radio clip on ADs and depression

Thanks for the clips. I will listen to them when DD takes her nap.

I know this is going to sound vain, but my biggest concern with taking AD's is weight gain. I've always been "the skinny girl." That's generally gotten more difficult to maintain since I turned 40. I'm not overweight, but I'm not underweight anymore either. My mother, on the other hand, has always been obese my entire life. As soon as I got pregnant with my first child, she started telling me I was going to get fat now just like she did when she was pregnant with me. I've spent the last 23 years proving her wrong. I simply can't stand the thought of being overweight. I don't even like my body the way it is right now, at what is considered a "normal" weight for my size. I know I have some body image issues, but I fear taking AD's would make this worse and end up making me feel even more depressed.

Do you have an exercise routine? Or go for walks with your DH?

Yes. We have a gym in our apartment complex, so I try to work out a couple times a week. It's hard to find the time though since I'm home alone all day with DD. We also live right across the street from a manmade lake with a lovely walking path that's just over a mile long. We walk there all the time. I love to hike too, but that also requires a baby sitter, since it's pretty difficult to do much real hiking with a 3-year-old.

So what are you doing for yourself about your body images?

I'm not sure what else to do. I exercise as much as I can. I actually enjoy exercising for the most part. I especially love to hike. I eat healthy. I'm not much into fashion, so I don't do much in that respect. I'm more a jeans and T-shirt kind of girl. There are things I like about my body and things I don't, but after 41 years and 5 kids, there's only so much a person can do, short of plastic surgery, which I'm not inclined towards and cannot afford anyway.

My H says he's very happy with my appearance. He's never complained and frequently tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, so there don't seem to be any issues there.

I still harbor the fear that I will get fat, because all of the women on my mom's side of the family (the only side I know) are overweight.

Writer-

just one piece of info from my MD knowledge base, not that I'm saying this is right for you though. There is one AD, bupropion, which does not have weight gain as a side effect. Other side effects, of course, all meds do, but you could ask your doctor if it would be an option for you.

Maybe think about getting an exercise DVD to do at home (3 year olds generally love to do it in their own fashion along with mom)?

And t/j for CWMI--- man would I be afraid to be your doctor and have you threaten to swallow my soul! (read above sentence in joking tone)

That's what I ended up taking, emilyann, and ended up with no weight gain plus a roaring libido. WOW. Now I forget why I stopped...lol.

I started with zoloft, which was brutal for me.

It sounds like you're doing everything for your physical health. I was thinking more on your mental health with your self image? ADs will help you.

Whennis your appointment to get into your doctor? Did you listen to the clips?

Not yet. Having issues with the speakers on my very old computer, but I'm going to try again today.

Roaring libido would be an issue since DH has ED issues and we have essentially had no sex life for a couple of years now.

I would love to, but we live in a 2nd-floor apartment that isn't very well-built. Our first downstairs neighbors already moved to another unit because they complained to the management about our DD making too much noise when she walks and plays (she's 3 1/2 and only weighs 28 lbs. and isn't particularly active). Our new neighbors are much nicer about it, but even they have asked if we have a trampoline up here because apparently that's what is sounds like to them when DD runs around and plays. So I'm guessing they wouldn't appreciate me jumping around to an exercise DVD on their heads, lol.

Apartment living sucks.

In my opinion, this thread has veered off into trying to help writer deal with depression on her own. I see that as a problem, because according to Dr. Harley, the number one cause of depression in women is their relationship with their husband or boyfriend.

We don't want writer to be on ADs the rest of her life, although they certainly might help in the short term. We want to give her real help: fix the cause of her depression.

writer, in my opinion the number one problem here is that your husband just is not on board with Marriage Builders. It takes two to have a good marriage. One spouse cannot do it alone. And a wife rarely can't succeed at trying to win her husband over for any length of time.

I think it would help so much, writer, if you would get in touch with Dr. Harley soon and try to get some more focused help getting your husband involved in making your marriage a good one. Accepting scraps of time in your marriage is only going to leave you depressed for the rest of your life, with possible serious mental and physical consequences. Dr. Harley and we can help you come up with a productive plan to change your marriage to one that is not so depressing, starting with getting your husband involved with treating your depression.

I'm sure you need more exercise, as do we all, and I'm sure that will have a positive impact on your mental state, but these are minor issues compared to your one problem, and writer I just really feel like we can best help you by getting you focused on solving the number one problem, at last.

How is that letter to Dr. Harley coming?

In addition to Markos comments.

Did your H get into the doctor for his ED?

You'll send that letter this weekend?

Hey Writer, just catching up on your thread.

You have received some good suggestions on finding UA time....I just want to comment on there area of the country you live in.

I just have to say I would not keep living there. To me it sounds like you have no real connection there...no ties. Other than your adult children...but I saw that one of your dd's lives in CO. Why not pack up and GO. I know you say you can't break your lease, but what are they going to do? Eat you? No....they will turn you over to collections which in the grand scheme of things is not the end of the world. You just pay it off one day. Or maybe you can negotiate with them to settle for a lesser amount if you agree to pay it off so much per month.

Think outside the box about your living situation. Your poor dh...commuting 3 hours per day. Ugh. I would start looking for jobs near where you dd is in CO or in some other part of the country where COL is affordable and take a big leap.

Easy for me to say....but the situation you describe sounds nearly unbearable to me.

What field is your dh in?

Spot on, Markos.

The real cure to your depression, writer, is a husband who shows care for you. Get in touch with Dr. Harley and get some advice on bringing him on board!

SW: Writer's husband works in a call centre as I recall so....customer service? It has been a dead-end job for ten years with no advancement. But it is steady employment and apparently he cannot find other work.

They are both stuck in a tremendous rut and have been....forever. Writer, I like you very much, but if you could read your thread you would see how you are totally inhabiting "the place of "No"". It seems like nothing short of winning the lottery will be enough to convince you to change your own life. As a small example, and being mindful of Markos' admonishment surely your downstairs neighbours go out SOMETIMES?

Only you can change your life, Writer. Your husband gets to change his.

They just opened a big call center here in my city in AR where the cost of living is excellent. I live in the 'burbs' and would only have to drive 20 minutes to that job. You can rent a decent 2 bedroom apartment here for about $550 a month.

Personally I would go to CO. But then again when I read about what happened in the cities before and during the great depression I always think, 'I would get up and walk out of there...I would die on the road with my children before I would wallow in the horrors of what city life was for them then.' I know that is an extreme comparison....but I guess what I am saying is I would ACT.

Sometimes I feel paralyzed...but I always feel better when I act.

I listened to the clips, but I'm not sure they really apply to my situation. My M really isn't in a crisis situation where I am dealing with something massively overwhelming, such as physical abuse or an active A, like the callers were. I can see how short-term AD's could be useful in these situations. Also, I am not suicidal, like the 3rd person was, so that's really not an issue either.

What I am is stuck in a M where my EN's are not being met and quality UA time is not happening. That has led me to a state of withdrawal. So, I think Marcos is right, I do need to write to the Harley's and come up with a plan to get my H onboard with all of this. So, that's what I'm going to do.

And no, my H hasn't made an appointment with the doctor yet for his ED problems. I haven't had the nerve to discuss it with him yet. It's a sensitive subject, and when we've discussed it in the past, it hasn't exactly gone well.

Yes, he works in a call center. No, he hasn't been able to find a better job. He is going to school right now though, earning his MBA online, so I'm hoping that will open up more opportunities for him. But he still has a year-and-a-half before he graduates. He says he is applying for jobs in other areas right now.

I have been looking for work too, but it's hard. Daycare here is beyond expensive and our unemployment is much higher than the national average. I simply haven't found anything that will work for me yet. I've been out of the job market for almost 4 years, so that puts me at a huge disadvantage. It would be possible for me to break back in, but not at a job that would cover the cost of daycare for my DD and still leave me enough left over to bother with. Truthfully, my employment history isn't great. I've always been the part-time worker who supplements my H's income while taking care of the kids. I had my first child at 18, so I've basically been raising kids my entire adult life. Before I met my H, I was living with my mom and going to school. When my H and I got married, I quit school to stay home and take care of the kids (3 were mine, and then we had a COM). When the kids got older, I went back to school and also worked part-time. But I've never had a full-time job with benefits.

I am not trying to make excuses. I am just presenting facts. It's hard being 41 and never having had a full-time career and trying to jump into that in this job market. I have applied for a lot of jobs, but most jobs get hundreds of applicants right now, and realistically I am not the most qualified candidate for these positions.

And as for my neighbor, no, she actually doesn't go out very often at all. Her husband works, but she has MS and is basically homebound. She doesn't drive and she rarely leaves the apartment. My previous downstairs neighbor didn't work either (her H is the maintenance man for our complex). She was home all day too.

It's probably easier for me because I live in London, where most mothers of school-aged children work, but I would try and find work as a childminder.

Does your area have parents who need someone to look after their children before and after school? I couldn't stand looking after other people's children all day (I don't think), but I could do it for the hours before and after school until 6. You might be able to find a setting where the parents wanted you to take the kids to their house, so the bonus would be that your house wasn't getting trashed, and your neighbours were not getting even more annoyed. Of course, you'd take your daughter with you, and she'd get to play with other kids.

I had a childminder who did this for me for 17 years, and she was an angel. (She did it in her house, not mine, so her house got wrecked!)

How near is the nearest school to you? Could you put an advert in their newsletter? What could you charge per hour to look after two other kids in their home?

Great to hear! Let us know what he says, ok?

There may also be parents in your area who would like a nanny to watch their kids once a week for a date night.

We just hired a woman who does that full time. -- watching children during work hours, watching children for date nights. she's not rich, but she's making enough to support herself and her son. She's going to be getting $80 a week out of us, for just 4 hours.

I am actually looking into daycare opportunities. I am currently registered with a site called care.com. So far, I haven't found anything, but I'm still looking. A lot of people here are quite wealthy and most of the jobs are for live-in, full-time nannies, which obviously wouldn't work for me. I think I would have to find someone who would allow me to watch their children in their home and bring my DD with me, because my apartment just isn't conducive to setting up a daycare.

If you could stand to do it for all day for the pre-schoolers, that would be even better, of course, but even if you couldn't, $10 per hour for say, 20 hours pre- and after-school per week, would be marvellous.

What would parents wants to know about you? A criminal record check? Could you get the balling rolling on that?

And the smart thing to do about after-school care would be to get kids from the school that your daughter will attend if you're still living there in two years' time. That way you could pick them all up from the one place after school and mind them until 6. No running around!

My childminder used to do three schools all at once. Don't do that.

Get directly in touch with a school. My local primary school used to allow adverts on the noticeboard and in the newsletter. We can also advertise cheaply on postcards in the local newsagents. If you can't do that, put an ad in the paper. A lot of ads in our local papers can be placed for free. Do you have anything like that? Toddler groups, the Scouts and Brownies and church groups for parents and kids might have noticeboards too. In fact, even the leisure centre where I go for fitness classes has a noticeboard. You can put anything you like on these boards.

My experience is that parents of fully school-aged children hit a real problems when they don't need a full-time nanny any more. It's too expensive to keep a nanny in the house all day when the kids at at school, and qualified, young, single nannies don't want to do part-time, after-school work.

I was very lucky in that my childminder lived in the same house and did that job for 17 years, until my younger child was 10, but most parents I knew were always losing their child carers. Childminders were always getting pregnant, moving house or going back to full-time work. People were desperate for school-aged child care. I appreciate that parents would be after live-in nannies in an affluent area, but I can't believe there aren't many school-aged parents who want something less than that. If you become more active you will find such work.

The one problem I'm having right now is transportation issues. Most people, especially those with school-age kids (but even those with younger ones) require you to have reliable transportation. That would be for obvious reasons if I am taking kids to school or other activities. But I don't have that. I have a very old mini-van, but I rarely drive it because I'm afraid it will break down at any time. It leaks a variety of fluids, the A/C doesn't work, and I've been told by several mechanics that it needs at least $5000 worth of work to make it reliable again. I obviously don't have that and I can't afford a new car. We've been talking about getting rid of the van altogether to save on insurance, since I basically just use if for quick trips to the store, but that would make my transportation problems even worse.

I took it for granted that schools are walkable from where you live. I forgot that every drives in the USA!

You cannot anticipate every problem and stop yourself from applying, though. You do not know that no-one will hire you without your own transport. Someone living near you might allow you to use their transport, as long as you can walk to and from their home.

You could at least make vigorous efforts to advertise, writer. If the problem of transport, or any other issue, comes up once you've made contact, then you will have to move on and try another parent.

Childcare is a valuable resource to parents who want to work. You are the resource that someone else needs. Market yourself, and let the right parents find you.

How's that letter going to Dr. Harley?

Not doing so well. Haven't had a chance to write to the Harley's yet.

3-year-old has been sick for a week and not sleeping at all.

DS 18 left for 2 weeks, said he wasn't coming back because he didn't want to live by our rules (either go to school or get a job and pay rent). Then tonight, while we were out, he called my cell phone and told me he was at the apartment. By the time we got home, he was gone again, but I'm assuming only temporarily, since all of his stuff is here. I have no idea what he's planning on doing or why he came back. I haven't seen him yet, so I don't know if he's willing to abide by our rules.

Going a little crazy right now. This apartment is so tiny and crowded. There just isn't any peace or privacy. It's especially bad when DS is here, sleeping in the living room (often until well past noon everyday).

I really want to run away right now.

For God's sake.

You need to get the keys from him writer. This is totally unacceptable.

He doesn't have a key. He knows how to get in without one. He lost his key a long time ago and we never made him another one. But he's pretty adept at sneaking in. That's how he used to get in when he would come home in the middle of the night after we were all asleep.

Excellent radio clip about a 18 year old is dominating the house. Tell me what you think.
Radio clip

Then do what you need to do so that he can't anymore!

This isn't rocket science writer.

Jeeeez!

The main difference I see is that the son in this case is a step-child and the marriage is of very short duration. So Dr. Harley recommends the couple separate so the wife can deal with her son while still dating her husband, though not living with him, and then wait to get back together until the step-son is on his feet and able to support himself. I imagine he recommended this because the son was draining the step-dad's LB, and Dr. Harley was trying to find a way to preserve the husband's love for his wife.

But DS 18 is our COM and my H and I have been married for 18 1/2 years. Separating wouldn't work in our case. So, I'm not sure much of the advice applies to us.

DS just turned 18 a few weeks ago. He has no skills and no education, not even a HS diploma. He really has nowhere to go. I imagine that's why he came back. If we turn him away, he will almost certainly end up on the streets.

Also, the couple in the clip bailed their son out of jail. I wouldn't do that. My DS hasn't been sent to jail. The laws he breaks haven't been serious enough to result in prison time, but if he were to do something that landed him in jail, I definitely wouldn't have any problem allowing him to suffer the consequences of his own behavior.

What would you like me to do? This is an apartment, and not a very secure one unfortunately. But I'm not allowed to alter anything. I can't even change the locks on the door. The apartment manager would have to do that since they have to have a key to every apartment. And he isn't getting in through the door anyway. He's getting in via the balcony. The sliding door from the balcony into the apartment doesn't lock. He just climbs up on the balcony and comes in.

What does your DH say?

We haven't had a whole lot of time to talk about it since DD is still up. She hasn't been going to bed well since she got sick and she wakes up dozens of times a night.

He did say that DS would have to follow our rules if he wants to stay. But DS still isn't home and I have no idea if he will agree to this, or follow through if he does agree. This child has a lot of issues. He has ADHD and learning disabilities. He has a history of drug use (marijuana) and I'm sure he is still smoking. Like I said, if he doesn't follow the rules and we do kick him out, he will almost certainly end up homeless. I don't think it will take him long to run out of friends who are willing to let him sleep on their couch without contributing anything or paying rent. He may be 18, but his maturity level is far below that. He isn't remotely capable of taking care of himself.

If you do let him stay, make sure he signs a contract and if he breaks the contract what your clear consequences are.

What about the military? Also I would make it a condition that he has to get his GED and help for his pot.

Yeah, we already discussed the contract. Definitely going to do that.

I told him he either has to go back to school or to adult ed. or get his GED. If he's actively going to school and progressing, then he can live here rent free until he is finished. If not, he has to work and pay rent.

Military isn't an option if he doesn't finish high school. Even with a GED, he would have to take 24 units at a community college in order to enlist.

Please write your email to Dr. Harley and make sure to add this new information.

All you need is a length of 2 x 4 cut to fit the width of the fixed side of the sliding door. Then you lay it on the track inside and the moveable door is jammed shut. Just pick it up and move it to one side when you want to go out. It will make your apt more secure and keep him out. He needs to know that you have done this.

Writer if you've identified an egress into your home you need to advise the landlord yesterday. At least get it on the record.

But a wooden plank will work just as well.

The thing is, our apartment is so hot in the summer and we only have two windows in the entire apartment, plus the sliding door. We leave the sliding door open (screen shut) and keep a fan in the door to try to cool things down. We can't afford to run the A/C all the time and this is the only way to keep things even remotely comfortable. But the screen doesn't lock. So the only way to secure the door would be to close it and keep it closed completely. But since there is no window in our living area, this would make it unbearably hot and stuffy in here. We've never had any problems with anyone trying to break in. It isn't easy to get up onto our balcony from the outside (though obviously, it is possible, since our son figured out how to do it).

I think the main issue is that if we don't allow him to come back, he will have nowhere to go. He has no education and no job skills. The thought of turning my 18-year-old son out on the street makes me feel terrible. I still have hope that he'll turn things around for himself, and I still want to give him a chance to do that, which is why I said all along he could come back if he were willing to meet our conditions. I just didn't expect him to turn up out of the blue with no warning. We had no idea he was coming back last night. He just called while we were at the store and said he was here. By the time we got home, he was gone. He texted last night and said he was spending the night at a friend's house and would be home in the morning. I still haven't seen him yet, so I have no idea what's going on or what he's planning on doing.

The problem is one of maturity and commitment....and there is apparently a great lack of it at your abode.

DS18 is not mature enough to manage his own life. (Why should he be? He's never been held to any degree of accountability before. This was the one with the criminal sexual charge against him, isn't it?)

You and Hubby haven't the maturity to understand that NOT enabling his shiftless and abusive behavior would be the most loving thing you could do for him. TRO his lazy butt, and follow through if he breaks the conditions.

And stop with the nonsense about "heat issues", okay? If you have a criminal attempting to break into your home, you make the decision to do what must be done to halt that.

The only party able to fix this situation is at YOUR side of the electronic linkage here, not ours. There is nothing "brilliant" to be devised to deal with an emotional terrorist (which is what he has become). You face up to him, slap him down, and move on.

NG, no this is not the son with the sexual charge against him. That son is 20 now, working two jobs, living on his own, and is truly an awesome, funny, lovable human being. He's doing great and I am very optimistic about his future.

Really, all three of my oldest are doing well. My oldest son does deal with anxiety issues, but he is taking medication for that. He also has a decent job with benefits and lives on his own. My DD lives in CO, works at a hotel, and is going to school to earn a degree in business.

Really, it is just DS 18 that we have issues with, and this child has had issues from the time he was very small. He was being sent home from preschool even because they simply couldn't handle him. We had him evaluated by different professionals, both through the school district and our private insurance. He has been on a number of medications, gone through therapy, and was even part of a clinical trial for ADHD. He has a number of different issues including ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and learning disabilities. None of my other children have had these issues, and I certainly don't think I have done anything to enable DS 18's behavior. We have sought so much help for this child, and none of it has thus far done a bit of good. Some kids are more difficult than others. Some struggle. We have dealt with it the best we could. I'm sure we haven't always been perfect, but we try.

It's very hard thinking about turning a child out on the streets who struggles with these issues and isn't at all prepared to take care of himself.

And the heat issues are real. We don't have a "criminal" trying to break into our house, we have our son who found a creative way to get back into the house when he lost his key. We are not to the point where we feel ready to throw him out on the street. I still have hope that my son will be able to overcome the challenges he faces in life. No, I do not intend to let him live here unless he is willing to meet our conditions, and he knows that.

So, I don't think you're qualified to judge my maturity. You know nothing about me other than the issues I have posted here. Sometimes when I post, I am in a difficult situation, and I am struggling, so that is what I write about since that is what I need help with. I don't generally write about the things that are going well because I don't actually need any help with those issues. It doesn't mean that I don't have areas in my life that are going well.

Why is he sleeping till noon in your living room? Sounds like a difficult situation all around, but that strikes me as....unreasonable.

He could be up, out, and looking for a job. Which would be hard to find given his past choices, but doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort?

Also writer how's that email to Dr. Harley coming along?

And the mass advertising of your services as an after-school carer, ready for August?

Nothing is coming along right now. Just focusing on trying to breathe.

DD3 came down with a horrible flu a week ago, and now I've got it. Sick all weekend. We've hardly slept. Fever, hacking cough, aches/pain. I haven't felt this bad in years. Ugh.

But we are writing up a contract for DS to sign, which will include either getting a job and paying rent or going back to school among other things. If he doesn't sign it, he will have to find alternate accommodations.

Sympathies, writer. Flu is horrendous.

Make your son agree to three babysitting sessions per week also.

Feel better, writer. That sucks.

We have an adult child that has struggled with mental health issues since early childhood also (ours was kicked out of preschool) and we also went through the numerous dx. that evolved from one thing to another, Dr's., medications, schools, you name it.

Our child also decided not to follow our rules and moved out at 18, but had to return at 19, with no job. We offered two choices, she could return home and go to school full time, and we would support her, or she could return temporarily, get a full time job, and pay rent.

Our child had to call and ask our permission to return, not just sneak in. We reviewed all rules an expectations prior to her returning. She agreed over the phone. She decided no school and agreed to seek full time employment.

Once here she was not getting up and job hunting. I gave her a couple days, then I got up every morning and demanded she get her butt up and out there. She had numerous excuses, (lost all her clothes, too hot, no car) I told her I did NOT care about any of that, these were all a result of her poor choices.

She did find a job, even with all of her "obstacles" she then refused to follow our rules, or pay rent, so she made the choice to make other arrangements. She now lives independently. Was she furious? You bet! Did it put a strain on our parent/child relationship? Yep! Did she get over it? YES!

I have always held this child accountable for her actions, choices, and consequences, regardless of mental health issues, because I always knew the real world would.

Of course raising her was far more challenging then the other children. We did have to pick our battles with her to a point. We have boundaries with her, she would never think she could just grab up her stuff, and just return home without speaking to us first. Of course she has violated our boundaries in the past, but if we find out about it, we come down on her like a ton of bricks.

Enabling is not the answer. I understand you don't want your child on the streets, of course not, but he needs boundaries, and rules. If he does not follow the rules, he needs to go else where. Be prepared that he may "agree" to the guidelines but test the boundaries, or just flat out not keep his word.

I am very proud of my daughter, she has had many challenges in life and been through far more then most young people already in her life, but she is strong. Have faith in your son, and the lessons you have taught him.

Thanks tismeagain.

Yes, my son came home unannounced and is now very unhappy about the fact that we are not backing down as far as our expectations that he follow our rules. We have told him that he needs to sign a contract and then follow that contract if he chooses to live here. So far, he is refusing to do that, so we have informed him that he has to make other arrangements as far as a place to live. I think he's having a hard time coming up with something, but that really isn't my problem. He knows he's welcome here, as long as he agrees to the rules.

I love my son. I always will. But no, I am not willing to give in and let him do whatever he wants and still live under my roof. I know that wouldn't be doing him any favors.

On a different note. I went to the doctor today and finally got some antibiotics for an upper respiratory infection. Hoping to feel like a human being again in a couple of days. Also ordered HNHN For Parents and Love Busters. They should be here in a few days. I've read HNHN before, but I think the one for parents will be more helpful at this point in our lives. I thought I had Love Busters, but it might have gotten lost in the move, so I reordered it. H has expressed interest in doing the MB program, so once everyone is feeling better we will be diving into the books.

Well, child care issues are still a problem. We spent several hours Thursday and Friday trying to line up child care for this weekend. Called pretty much everyone we know, and a lot of people we don't know (mostly teens from the church here that we don't actually attend but are still members of). Came up with a big fat nothing. I've checked Craig's List and care.com too, but I haven't been able to find anything under $10 an hour, and we just can't afford $40-$50 in child care for one date. That exceeds our total budget for dates without spending anything on the actual date at all. I am willing to pay, but realistically, we can't pay more than $20 for a night and I just can't find someone willing to watch her for that amount.

Here is the sad reality - when you have a child, the child has to come first. I can schedule all of the UA time I want and make it as big a priority as I want, but if someone won't agree to watch our DD, I can't very well leave her alone in order to put my marriage first.

I'm very frustrated.

For the past two weeks, we've maybe had 5 hours of UA time a week. Getting DD into bed early hasn't been working well at all. Ever since she was sick for 2 weeks, her sleep has been all off kilter and she's been waking up a lot. My mom watched her for 3 hours last weekend, but she will only do that once in awhile. She doesn't believe married people need much time alone. No one in my family or my husband's family does. And we know very few people where we live now. UA time for this week is looking like a big fat 0.

We did receive our books in the mail, but we haven't had any time alone to start reading them. Not sure it will do much good, since the 15+ hours a week of UA time is the cornerstone of this program, and it just seems impossible that we're ever going to manage that. Right now, we're spending much of our time on the phone trying to arrange for child care. But it feels like beating my head against a wall at this point. I didn't think it would be so hard to find care for one 3-year-old. I was wrong.

Why would you need to be alone to read a book?

Don't you live in an apartment complex? Do you have a notice board somewhere, like at the pool or something? Make a flyer advertising that you are in need of a babysitter for, say, Tues, Thurs evenings from 7 to 9pm, and Saturdays from 6 until 10. Surely there are some 13yo's who would be willing to do it for $5/hr, or you could barter with a single working woman--she watches DS3 for you, you clean her apartment while she is at work.

You are so full of excuses for why you can't do something. GET CREATIVE. If you don't know people, what do you do during the day? Perhaps you could visit parks and actually talk to other local mothers, or actually GO to the church and be social, and visit the common areas in your complex and meet your neighbors, or arrange a meet and greet for the people in your building, even if you do that in your own apartment. I am not hugely social, but when we bought this house, one of the first things I did was invite all the people from the houses I can see from my lot over for a cookout. How else was I going to meet them?

No message boards allowed here. We asked the management about it when we first moved in and they said it was against corporate policy. I have tried to meet people in my complex, but really, almost no one speaks English here and I don't speak Spanish. We live in one of two low-income, Section-8 complexes in our city, so most of my neighbors are Hispanic and probably not in the country legally. I've tried talking to them in the laundry room and such, but we don't get very far.

I do go to the park and library story time. I'm not social at all. It's difficult for me to meet people. I do talk to other mothers sometimes, but most of them seem to come to the library/park in groups, so they are mostly talking amongst themselves. And it always seems to be different people all the time, so I haven't really gotten to know anyone.

As far as church goes, I don't actually believe in that sort of thing, so it seems wrong to attend just to obtain baby sitting.

I'm not trying to make excuses. We literally spent 3-4 hours both Thursday and Friday trying to contact a possible sitter. We started contacting people last weekend to line something up for this weekend. We have left messages with dozens of people and gotten no responses. I have scoured ads for baby sitters in my area, but have found nothing I can remotely afford.

Those aren't excuses. They are facts. I really am trying everything I can think of here.

Have you written Dr. Harley like you said you would?

Actually, yes you did think it would be so hard. You have been very pessimistic about finding childcare from the very beginning, dashing any suggestions given to you instead of brainstorming and finding solutions.

You're setting yourself up for failure.

No, I haven't written to Dr. Harley yet. I thought we were figuring it out on our own. Apparently not.

What suggestions have I dashed? Craig's List was suggested, as was care.com. I am trying those. Local teens or people from church were suggested. I am trying those. I'm just not getting any responses. I don't see how I can do any more than I'm currently doing. I can contact people. I can't force them to respond. I looked up drop-in care centers this morning, but the cheapest one I found was $35 for registration, and then $9 an hour. We just can't pay that. My H is on the phone right now, still trying. Really, we are fighting hard to find a solution here, but we keep hitting walls.

Yes, I thought it would be hard to find and afford someone for 15 hours a week. I didn't think it would be that hard to find someone for a date night once a week. It's turning out to be much more difficult than I thought. It might be because it's summer and all the teens are off at camp or on vacation or busy doing stuff. I don't know. But we are trying. We're pretty much spending all of our free time looking for child care.

Finally got a call back from someone, but it is still $10/hr. for one child. That is the going rate even for teens in our area it seems. Everyone has been quoting the same price.

I guess that's what I get for living in such an expensive area. I suppose that doesn't seem like much to the people earning $96K a year (average median salary for my area). But it's a heck of a lot of money when you earn less than half that.

I'm hoping not to live here forever. DH is trying very hard to find a job somewhere more affordable. But for now, I may have to accept the fact that a lot of our dates are going to have to include a 3-year-old or occur in our apartment after she's in bed at night.

Go back and read through your thread again. A lot of times when someone suggests something, you come back immediately with "I don't think that will work ..." instead of trying to figure out how to make it work. I know that's how you responded to many of posts, without actually trying the suggestions, or trying to brainstorm ways to modify the suggestions.

There's a lot of negative thinking going on on your part, and makes it difficult for anyone to help you.

You said you would write Dr. Harley. When are you going to do it?

This really gets me. YOU SAID you would write him. Yet you have not. Why say it if you're not going to do it?

If the going rate to babysit is $10 an hour in your area, START BABYSITTING. Take advantage of that. I think that's been suggested. But you have a lot of excuses why it can't work ....

How does that help me get UA time with my H? Wouldn't I have less time if I'm watching other people's children evenings and weekends? That is the going rate for occasional, date-night type baby sitting, which would occur mostly during hours when my H is home.

The main reason I don't do full-time daycare is because of my living situation. It simply wouldn't work in our apartment. We have enough trouble with the downstairs neighbors complaining that our one child makes noise. Our first downstairs neighbors moved out because of the noise. The new ones have complained too. We've gotten notices on our door because of the noise. I don't know how this is possible, since our DD is tiny (30 lbs.) and not particularly rambunctious. The only conclusion I have been able to come to is that our apartment is very badly constructed and prone to making noise when we walk.

I am looking for opportunities to baby sit in someone else's house. I have applied for a number of positions, but haven't found one yet. I am registered with care.com. I also tested for a job last week as a library clerk and am awaiting results of the test to see if I move on to the next phase of hiring (which I am confident I will). Also applied for a job at a school library for the upcoming school year. Testing for that job is at the end of the month.

I am trying here. I only bring up objections to suggestions when there are legitimate reasons why they won't work in my situation. I do look for alternatives that might work. Examples of that are above, such as looking for baby sitting jobs in someone else's home.

Honestly, I don't know. I thought we were starting to make some progress, so I decided to wait and see.

Part of it is the fact that similar situations have already been presented on the radio show, and I've listened to the clips. Not sure if I would get much different advice than what has already been given.

Part of it is the fact that I'm extremely introverted. I do mean extremely. I'm very shy and have some social anxiety issues. I communicate fine in writing. Not so great in person. I'm very afraid to talk to someone on the radio. I've never done anything like that before. I grew up very isolated - single, working mother who wasn't home much and slept a lot when she was home. I wasn't allowed to go outside while I was home alone, so I spent most of my time while I was growing up in the house, playing by myself. I've come a long way socially since then, but I don't know if I've come far enough to be on a radio show.

Umm...you babysit three times a week for 4 hours each time, and you earn enough to pay someone else to babysit for YOU three different days of the week for four hours at a time and go out with your H.

So when are you going to send that email to Dr. Harley? They are back in the country and so you should hear soon.

I don't understand why you don't take free counseling from the best?
With all the posts you've written you could've sent an email many times.

What's the real reason you won't write the Harleys?

You don't have to be on the radio. He can just send you a response.
Here's another good clip.
Radio clip on UA with children

I am too, believe it or not. EXTREMELY so. I have a phone phobia, and wouldn't get anywhere near it to call a radio show.

So WRITE Dr. Harley.

Have you thought of posting at the local grocery store boards? People post things all the time there for things like lost pets and things for sale.

I understand being introverted, but if your daughter is playing with other childern at parks and common area at apt. complex I would think that should make it easy to open a conversation with the parents...you could ask how old or what the childs name is.

Many hispanic people do speak English. The teen's do for sure. If your complex is low income then the other people (and teenagers) are also, and probably would not charge 10 $ an hour.

Sorry Prisca and Brain Hurts, I was under the impression that writing to the Harley's would result in me having to actually speak on the show. If that's not the case, then it might work. I know they do read letters as well as talk to people. Do I need to request that when I write into the show?

We did go out for a few hours last night. We drove an hour+ up to our son's place and he watched her for 4 hours. But that isn't a permanent solution. He works two jobs now, 7-days a week. It was just a fluke that he had some time off yesterday and doesn't happen often. Plus, our cars are old and it won't be possible to put that many miles on them every time we want to go out.

We got shot down by the person we have been contacting through church to line up local teens to baby sit. He basically said most of the girls' parents wouldn't be comfortable with them baby sitting for someone they don't know, but he would be happy to introduce us to people if we come to church. So, I would have to start practicing a religion I don't believe in again if I want to pursue that route, and I don't think that would be the right thing to do.

There really aren't any common areas in our apartment except the pool, and DD 3 has some issues with being afraid of the water, so we don't swim much. Other than the pool, there are just walkways and the parking lot. No one in any of the apartments right around ours even has children. They are all single, younger people for the most part and they work a lot, I assume, since they are gone much of the time. And there's the lady with MS below us. I do talk to her, but I don't think she would be physically capable of baby sitting.

I will check the grocery store boards. I didn't think of that. There is a board at our library, but you have to get approval to hang anything on it and I've never seen anything on there like someone looking for baby sitting, just community announcements, so I don't know if they allow that sort of thing. Like I said, I do see other mothers at the park and library, though they aren't usually the same mothers. Our town has a population of 56K, and it's one of the smallest communities in the area, so there are a lot of people here. It makes getting to know people difficult, especially for someone with social anxiety issues. Also, a lot of the people who bring kids to the park/library during the day here are nannies.

I would love to get involved in something that gets me out and meeting people. Something like a church, without the religion. I'm just not sure how to find something like that. There are community education courses here for kids, like dance lessons and gymnastics and stuff, but they are very expensive. I need to find something either cheap or free, but other than library story-time, I haven't been able to find anything.

How about joining a play group? You could do a search online.
Many play groups also have baby sitting co-ops. This would give you a chance to meet new people, and be fun for your daughter.

I would love to do something like that! I'm going to look.

I actually found a nature play group a few months ago and contacted them, but they were very small and didn't want to add any additional members. I was disappointed, because it would have been perfect for us since I love hiking and being out in nature.

Regarding your question about the radio show, you will only be called if your email contains your phone number and only after your verbal permission

Well, we've been rebuked by several people we have been contacting regarding securing baby sitting for being "unreasonable" and "over-demanding" because we would like to find baby sitting for 4 hours a week at a rate of $5 an hour.

That's how most of the world views the MB practice of UA time, and that wasn't even for 15 hours a week. That was just for one date night a week.

I have been reduced to tears by people from church on a Sunday.

I give up. The fact is, the only people who seem to think my H and I need any time alone at all are the people here. No one in my real life agrees with or supports any of this at all. I'm tired of fighting everyone. Trying to secure a sitter for our daughter is causing more stress and bad feelings than it's worth.

Oh, cut the nonsense, okay?

In three postings today you went from "Good idea...I didn't think of that", to "I'm not concerned enough to consider joining a church", to "Nothing suits my elite expectations, I give up!"

Well, the noise you just heard is dozens of MB posters giving up on helping you work through this.

I'm very tired of everyone in my actual life telling me that this program is completely impossible and unrealistic, especially when you have children. That's all I hear from everyone I attempt to explain it to and get support from.

Here, this is all considered very desirable and normal. To everyone else, it is considered preposterous.

I think it's a great plan. But I can't force others in my life to see it that way, and I can't make them support our efforts to do this. I know, I've tried.

Today was very hard. I was publicly ragged on for having unrealistic expectations as far as finding a baby sitter. It isn't easy for me to reach out to people for help, and it's very hard when I do so and then am quite publicly shot down.

If you want to call that nonsense, fine. It isn't nonsense to me. I struggle with self-esteem issues, and this incident today (which involved several people) was a huge blow to my self-esteem.

I'm still looking into the play group idea. In fact, I already sent an email to someone about that. But I am backing away from seeking help through the church. That just isn't working. I don't need people in my life who make me feel bad about trying to do something positive for my marriage.

And what do you mean by "I'm not concerned enough to consider going to church?" I left the church for reasons that have nothing to do with child care. I don't believe what they teach. I still think the people in the church are good, decent people, which is why I thought they would be a good resource for baby sitting. But I can't attend a church who's doctrine I don't believe in just to secure a baby sitter for UA time. That seems a little hypocritical.

And joining another church isn't an option. I am agnostic. I'm not going to pretend to believe something I don't.

You're welcome to leave me alone NG. I've been beaten up enough today in real life. If you have nothing positive to add to the discussion, silence is always a viable option.

Writer,

So is writing Dr. Harley for advice, out? Are you not going to write him?

Yes, I am going to write to him.

I'll let you know when I hear back.

I'm so happy for you.

You do not have to be on the radio, but he will answer and read your letter on the air.

Let us know when so we can watch out for it.

I did some research tonight and I think I figured out the problem. It seems that in much of the country, daycare for an entire DAY goes for about the same rate as baby sitting per hour goes for here in South OC. Almost everyone on Craig's List here charges $10-$20/hr. I searched Craig's List for several other states and the going rate in most areas seemed to be around $20-$25/day. Most hourly figures I found for other areas were in the $4-$5/hr. range. No wonder I'm so frustrated. Just another thing to hate about this place, as if I needed any more reasons to want to get out of here.

Yes, I will let you know when I hear from the Harley's. If they read my letter, I get a free book right? Any suggestions? I already have HNHN and HNHN for Parents, Love Busters, Surviving an Affair, and Fall in Love, Stay in Love (with workbook). Do you get to pick the book they send you?

Give them your list so they know which ones you have.

I really like Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, but all of his books are good.

Have you listened to the radio show? Link is in upper right corner of web page. New one every weekday. I think if you listen you'll have a better sense of how it works, and often you'll hear stuff that applies to your situation.

You might want to see if there is a Unitarian Universalist church near you; they would welcome an agnostic. BUT, I don't think you should go just to find a babysitter.

I do think your expectations that others should care whether you get UA time are unrealistic. You and your husband should care, but everyone else is living their own lives.

I still think that if you bombarded every notice board in the local area, offering daytime babysitting where you could take your child to their home to play with their child, somewhere within walking distance, there would be one person who would respond. There must be at least one SAHM who would take you up so that she could have a break for two sessions week over the long school vacation. She doesn't need a nanny, but she does need a haircut/tanning/waxing and a gym session each week and she has the money to pay someone for childcare.

At the same time, advertise yourself for the coming school year, for after-school care. Same deal; after-school care in their home with your daughter in tow, within walking distance.

Undercut the going rate and see what happens. Do 15 hours after school per week and pay for 9-12 hours' UA time out of that money. The other 4 hours is donated free by your son, under his new contract.

I wouldn't ask people. I would advertise. There is no need to have face-to-face humiliating rejections.

While you are looking for child care, can you do things like take a walk with your husband with your child in a stroller at nap time so she falls asleep? That might be a nice time to talk to your husband.

Can you read chapters of the books to each other right before you go to sleep?

We do take walks together almost everyday, but my H generally isn't home when it's nap time except on weekends. And our DD is almost 4, so she doesn't nap regularly anymore. But sometimes we will walk to the park after dinner and sit on a bench and talk while she plays. I know some people don't count that as UA time, but I do. She doesn't require much attention while she's playing with other kids and we have had some good conversations at the park. Also, while driving in the car, even if DD is with us, is an opportunity for us to talk. She usually entertains herself in the back seat or falls asleep while we are driving.

Yes, we can and should read together after DD goes to bed. We've done this in the past, but we've fallen into the bad habit of going to bed too late. It's something we need to work on for sure.

Having kind of a hectic week. Our 11-year-old bird is egg-bound. We took her to the vet last night and she may require surgery. Right now, we're giving her calcium supplements to see if that will help, but this is a life-threatening situation. If she doesn't pass the egg, we have to decide by tomorrow whether to do the surgery or let her go. The surgery isn't cheap, but the bird is like a member of our family. We've had her since she was 8 weeks old. I'm really hoping she passes the egg on her own, but it's not looking good right now. She's barely eating.

My mom was admitted to the hospital last week for a stroke. Fortunately, it was a mild one, but they kept her in the hospital because her blood sugars were all over the place. She's been diabetic for a long time and has never had control over her blood sugar. They have finally put her on insulin (she was only on a pill before) so I'm hoping things start to improve with her health now. She was finally released from the hospital last night.

So I had to put everything on hold. We've had no UA time at all the past week. We've been spending all of our time driving back and forth between the hospital and my grandmother's house. My mother usually takes care of my grandmother since my grandmother is 90 and also had a stroke a few years ago, she can't be left alone for long periods of time.

I'm hoping things will settle down now and I can get back on track with everything else.

I'm sorry to hear this, writer. My father had a stroke in his 50s and I remember how horrible it all was. I know, too, how hospital admission disrupts the whole family.

I hope that your mother makes a full recovery.

Best wishes for your family Writer.

Did your bird get better? (not that that is nearly as important as your mom, just hope that is better also)

Thanks SC and emilyann. It's been a crazy week, for sure, but my mom is doing well now. The stroke mostly affected her right arm. She has a little weakness in her right leg as well. But it didn't affect her speech at all. She got very lucky.

Yes, the bird is doing well. We took her to the vet and they wanted to do a $400 surgery. We were considering it, but then my mom had her stroke and we kind of forgot about the bird. We were gone all day yesterday and didn't get home until midnight. She finally laid the egg sometime while we were gone. We're making sure she gets plenty of calcium in her diet to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Sorry about your mom writer.

So, after 2 weeks with virtually no UA time (or much free time at all really), we now have not 1, but 2 dates scheduled for this weekend.

I arranged for a sitter for 4 hours tomorrow. I told my H about it, but he apparently forgot. Thinking we didn't have a sitter this weekend at all, he arranged to have someone else watch DD for 4 hours on Saturday. So, hey, we're going to have 8 hours of UA time out of the house this weekend! I cannot remember the last time that happened.

My mom is doing better. We've still been going out there to help her a lot, but she's doing well and I think that is starting to settle down. Hoping life will get back on track soon. It's been a crazy couple of weeks.

Awesome, writer!

Have fun.

Update:

UA time just isn't happening. I think we average maybe 0-5 hours a week most of the time. This is a 0 week, and I'm feeling very down about it. I don't think we've managed more than 10 hours in one week in a very long time.

Child care is still the number #1 impediment, and there just doesn't seem to be a way to solve the issue. We can only spend so much time every week on the phone trying to line up baby sitting, and even when we spend hours calling around, trying to find someone, it only happens some of the time. Some weeks, like this one, there is simply no one available to watch DD.

I think MB is a great plan. I think UA time is necessary to maintain that romantic connection in a marriage. I know, because we haven't followed it and those feelings have been gone for a very long time.

Realistically, 15 hours of UA time a week probably isn't going to happen for us for a number of years. But I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep reading along here. I wish I had more hope, but I feel very beaten down right now.