Hi all, I am new here to the forums.Came and found this site after a big blow out my husband and I had last week that left me sleeping on the couch,we slowly came around and are getting along again so, I will not get much unto detail on that now because dinner is cooking. Anyways,I have been married 15 years have two beautiful daughters and am a stay at home mom. My husband owns several businesses and is a good provider and workaholic,I have grown used to it and rarely have complaints until he is late to dinner more then one night.
Here is my question did the books work for you? I looked over the site and what the books are about does not really apply to us, we have friends and its never been an issue. Money we did have issues in the beginning and learned a way where it works for both of us. Sex has it ups and downs and when communication is good sex is on,we have date nights and spend the evenings together.The main problem I am working around is communication,we don't often listen to the others side and are both stubborn people, he is all male and rarely sympathetic where I am an attacker, I would like to find a way we can both be on the same team again. Thank you
Hi 125, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, the program does work. The goal of the program is to help you fall in love again. This is done by eliminating behavior that causes you to fall out of love and employing behavior that creates romantic love. Rarely is "communication" the main problem. Couples who are in love have no trouble communicating.
I would suggest reading hte articles and then getting the books Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is also a workbook called Five Steps to Romantic Love that has all the worksheets.
Here is a good start:
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage And then go to the first thread in this forum and read through all the links. It will be very helpful.
I looked over the site and what the books are about does not really apply to us, we have friends and its never been an issue.
The books apply to you if you are married. Are you married? How do you feel they don't apply to you?
Thank you Melodylane.
I have read through the site over and over,and have listened to podcast's that all say communication is the number one reason why relationships fail. I am not looking for romance,he shows me romance in different way's and so much more then I experienced in my younger years, he compliments me at least once a day, does not see my unmade face or fault me for what I wear, he loves me for who I am,even when I am at my worst. He is truly an amazing man and I could not have picked a better one.We both are opposite and when we fight, no one backs down, we walk away when it gets heated and come back when cooled down.This is where I feel communication is failing, he said the D word for the first time and it scared me to death.I don't know how to tell him how much that hurt.We were both angry, I went somewhere where he told me not to go, and did not think it would be that big of a deal because to me his reasoning was silly. I do not ever want to feel that again,he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls. I hurt him and I don't know how to take that back..He is back to his normal self,and I said sorry to him, we had sex, I still feel like not enough was said.
he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls.
That is very worrying. Do you know where he was during that time? Do you have access to his cellphone?
Welcome 125,
I still feel like not enough was said.
If you keep digging into this site better yet get the LoveBusters book you'll find this site IS VERY relative to your situation.
Communication is important and Dr Harley has a plan for improving communication. Communication is a big part of what creates romance in your marriage. It also one of the biggest reasons marriages fail as you say because you are harming the romance/the love in your marriage. It's all about the Love Bank. Deposits and withdrawals. Arguing, screaming, independent behaviors, etc. Those are lovebusters and it appears you and your hubby are committing a bunch of them.
Thank you Melodylane.
I have read through the site over and over,and have listened to podcast's that all say communication is the number one reason why relationships fail.
That is not what Dr Harley says at all. He says falling out of love is the number one reason marriages fail. "Communication" is not a problem when the couple is in love. So he focuses all of his attention on creating romantic love. Please read the article I posted, excerpt here:
Restoring Love versus Resolving Conflicts
Before I discuss with you some of the details of a well-conceived plan to resolve conflicts and restore your love for each other, I will focus attention on the highest priority of such a plan -- restoring love.
I know of no marriage, including my own, that is free of conflict. That's because every couple is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences, interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money, careers, in-laws, sex, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are part of the experience of being married.
Some couples feel that if they could only rid themselves of certain conflicts, they would be happy together. But I've discovered that marriages can be terrific in spite of conflicts, even when some of them are never fully resolved. The difference between couples who live in marital bliss and those who regret ever having met each other is not found in whether or not they are free of conflict -- it's found in whether or not they are in love with each other.
From my years of experience trying to save marriages, I have come to the conclusion that the goal of restoring and sustaining love in marriage is much more important than the goal of resolving conflicts. Ultimately, of course, both goals are important, but by making love my highest priority, I found myself rejecting many popular approaches to conflict resolution because they tend to sacrifice a couple's love for each other. The way I now encourage couples to resolve their conflicts is to only use procedures that will also build their love.
Most marriage counselors are so focused on conflict resolution that they forget about building a couple's love for each other. But it's easy to understand why they tend to ignore the feelings of love -- the couples they see usually want help in resolving their conflicts, not restoring their love. It's the couples themselves that usually fail to see the importance of being in love. And when the loss of love really is the issue, couples rarely believe it can be restored, at least to the level it once was. They think that if their conflicts are resolved, and they are given the freedom to create independent lifestyles, they will be able to survive their marriage. They feel that all marriages eventually lose passion, but when that happens a husband and wife can still remain married if they are "mature" enough.
If you have seen a marriage counselor, and have been disappointed with the results, it's probably because you've spent all of your time trying to resolve your marital conflicts instead of restoring your love for each other. Even if you made progress in resolving some of your conflicts, you still may have been unhappy with your marriage. I receive letters regularly from those who find that they want to divorce in spite of a peaceful relationship. Even when a husband and wife are each other's best friends, they often divorce when the passion is gone.
The problem you describe in your post is that you are fighting with each other. So that is where you would want to begin. Fighting has to be eliminated in order to even begin to repair your marriage.
Posting again:
Hi 125, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, the program does work. The goal of the program is to help you fall in love again. This is done by eliminating behavior that causes you to fall out of love and employing behavior that creates romantic love. Rarely is "communication" the main problem. Couples who are in love have no trouble communicating.
I would suggest reading hte articles and then getting the books Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is also a workbook called Five Steps to Romantic Love that has all the worksheets.
Here is a good start:
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage And then go to the first thread in this forum and read through all the links. It will be very helpful.
We were both angry, I went somewhere where he told me not to go, and did not think it would be that big of a deal because to me his reasoning was silly. I do not ever want to feel that again,he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls.
You committed an Independent Behavior, with complete disregard for his concern or feelings. You then committed a Disrespectful Judgement by deciding that his perspective was 'silly' and your own perspective was superior. He then left the house for several days, spending several nights apart which Dr Harley advises against because it is destructive to marriages.
The Marriage Builder's program absolutely applies to you, and it could transform your marriage.
living_well Yes,I know where he was and do have access if needed.I also got notification that the alarm was disabled at the office and he did text me to tell me where he was,he left after the kids where asleep and was home before they woke up.I would never think him to have an affair,its just not in his nature and jealousy has never been a part of our marriage.
MelodyLane, thank you this is very helpful and exactly what we need.
MelodyLane, thank you this is very helpful and exactly what we need.
You are very welcome! Another great resource is his daily radio show. You can download the app for your phone and listen every day.
living_well Yes,I know where he was and do have access if needed.I also got notification that the alarm was disabled at the office and he did text me to tell me where he was,he left after the kids where asleep and was home before they woke up.I would never think him to have an affair,its just not in his nature and jealousy has never been a part of our marriage.
Everyone says that their husband would never have an affair. But having a fight, disappearing and not answering the phone is classic affair behavior (you justify your departure by making life unpleasant before 'storming out'). That is not proof that your husband is having an affair, it means that you need to be alert. Do not say anything to him, just quietly check his phone/text/emails periodically.
In the meantime, stop fighting and learn to negotiate.
Thanks for the insight,and again not in his nature. I knew where he was,I actually had his phone last night where he gave it to me to see a photo of a painting he did. I looked through other photos and he got messages while I was on it and I did not see anything out of the normal.
Does anyone know if these books can be found in audio form,its the only way I would be able to get my hubby to read.
Thanks for the insight,and again not in his nature. I knew where he was,I actually had his phone last night where he gave it to me to see a photo of a painting he did. I looked through other photos and he got messages while I was on it and I did not see anything out of the normal.
Does anyone know if these books can be found in audio form,its the only way I would be able to get my hubby to read.
The home study program has CDs and a lesson plan but it is more expensive than just using the books.
http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_program2.html
Thanks for the insight,and again not in his nature.
125, I just want to caution you about this kind of thinking. I am not saying he is having an affair, but saying it is not in his nature means you don't understand the risk. Your marriage is very much at high risk right now because of your fighting, which absolutely erodes the love in your marriage. Almost EVERY betrayed spouse who discovers an affair tells us it is "out of character" for her spouse. They often show up here completely clueless about the affair or in shock because they just discovered one. Those who believe their marriage is immune are very high risk because they don't take precautions.
living_well I would never think him to have an affair,its just not in his nature and jealousy has never been a part of our marriage.
D you think that any betrayed spouse thought that their spouse would have an affair?
Do you think we would have married them if we thought they would?
I went somewhere where he told me not to go, and did not think it would be that big of a deal ...he left the house for several nights and would not return my calls.
Where did you go that made him so mad that he left for several nights and would not answer your calls? Is that normally in his nature?
Yes,of course there are those times when a spouse cheats and it sucks when it happens,I was cheated on before and it was a feeling of hurt and betrayal that I would not wish on anyone.With my husband after many years together I have no reason to think he would,he simply does not have the time and is that the type of person that will tell you straight up what you may or may not need to know.
Pokerface,I was on a trip with my mom for a sports event in San Diego,we had the option of a 6 hour layover in Vegas.I have never been and my husband is very against the place,he told me you are not going there and I mean it.Well my mom payed for the flight and it was the best flight she could find last minute.We went and spent a few hours on the strip and had lunch.I did not think about it and when I got home I showed him the photos and he blew up,he told me not to go and that lied to him by going.In my defense,I have always wanted to go and he is to hard headed to listen to what I have to say,when he gets something in his head there is no reasoning with him. We have talked it over and he said he was upset because I deliberately went behind his back and did what he told me not to do.Yes,I did do that but, was I really in the wrong.
Pokerface,I was on a trip with my mom for a sports event in San Diego,we had the option of a 6 hour layover in Vegas.I have never been and my husband is very against the place,he told me you are not going there and I mean it.Well my mom payed for the flight and it was the best flight she could find last minute.We went and spent a few hours on the strip and had lunch.I did not think about it and when I got home I showed him the photos and he blew up,he told me not to go and that lied to him by going.In my defense,I have always wanted to go and he is to hard headed to listen to what I have to say,when he gets something in his head there is no reasoning with him. We have talked it over and he said he was upset because I deliberately went behind his back and did what he told me not to do.Yes,I did do that but, was I really in the wrong.
Of course you were in the wrong. You completely disrespected his feelings and just demonstrated to him how little you value him. Was it worth upsetting him like that?
Independent Behavior
Once you are married, almost everything you decide to do has either a positive or a negative impact on each other -- you are either depositing or withdrawing love units with every decision you make.
So if your decisions are not made with each other's interests in mind, you will risk destroying the love you have for each other.I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.
My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.
Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.
A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior.
here
No he has never done that before. It is not in his nature.
So you agree that he is capable and IS acting out of his normal nature?
Wow you sound like him,was it worth it lol? Yes and no,did he get mad,more then I thought he would for sure.Did he over-react?Yes he did,he threw things across the house and broke stuff and put a hole in the wall,never will I put up with that crap,he is five times stronger then I am,what if I happen to be in his way next time. I left and went for a walk when I got back he calmed down and apologized for over reacting but it wasn't sincere and kind of cash,he said I owed him an apology.I said no that I didn't after the way he acted and he knows that I told him if he did that again I was filing for divorce. He has done it once before though it was more then 10 years ago and he knows how I felt the last time it happened I left for a week.The only time I have ever seen him cry was when I finally gave in and came home. This wasn't like that he was feeling no remorse and left and when he came home we acted cordial in front of the kids,he left the next night and the last night I slept on the couch and he told me to come to bed.I finally apologized this morning,it took me awhile because I was so hurt by his actions.
I"ll post this again because I think we cross posted.
No he has never done that before. It is not in his nature.
So you agree that he is capable and IS acting out of his normal nature?
Wow you sound like him,was it worth it lol? Yes and no,did he get mad,more then I thought he would for sure.Did he over-react?Yes he did,he threw things across the house and broke stuff and put a hole in the wall,never will I put up with that crap,he is five times stronger then I am,what if I happen to be in his way next time. I left and went for a walk when I got back he calmed down and apologized for over reacting but it wasn't sincere and kind of cash,he said I owed him an apology.I said no that I didn't after the way he acted and he knows that I told him if he did that again I was filing for divorce. He has done it once before though it was more then 10 years ago and he knows how I felt the last time it happened I left for a week.The only time I have ever seen him cry was when I finally gave in and came home. This wasn't like that he was feeling no remorse and left and when he came home we acted cordial in front of the kids,he left the next night and the last night I slept on the couch and he told me to come to bed.I finally apologized this morning,it took me awhile because I was so hurt by his actions.
What he did was wrong, but so is what you did. Your controlling, independent behavior greatly upset him.
He probably needs anger management training to help him deal with his anger.
Here is what Dr Harley told me several years ago when we were in a similar situation:
MelodyLane: There are two separate issues that should be addressed in your marriage: angry outbursts and independent behavior. The more important of the two is the angry outbursts.
The trigger for your husband's angry outburst is your independent behavior. It's the reason for his angry outburst, but it's no excuse. Your husband should attend anger management training until he can control his anger under all circumstances, regardless of how frustrating they may be to him. My position on this issue is repeated throughout my books, articles and radio show. Anger solves no problems -- they create new ones.
Does your H know about MB?
Anger Management 101
The books alone did not work for me. I had to have the Marriage Builders Radio Show, too. Today there is the Marriage Builders app to bring the radio show right to you wherever you are.
I installed the app yesterday and downloaded the audio book on iTunes. Listening to both and shared. Thank you all.
MelodyLane.You have given me great advice and I am so happy,I found marriage builders it has given me hope for a passionate and long lasting marriage. I would like insight on a few topics and I am wondering if there is a way I can reach out to you or someone else without having to overload the forums.
125, the forums cannot be "overloaded". Nobody has to reply to a post if they don't have the time or interest - that's illogical. Indeed, you would be at risk of overloading an individual if you corresponded privately with them alone, putting the full weight of your recovery in their hands.
And anyway, the forum, as a public arena, keeps the advice under scrutiny. It keeps posters accountable. Who knows what could be posted to you via private message? It could be anti-Marriage Builders. It could be a harmful personal philosophy. It could be the kind of chatting up that results in affairs. Affairs between board members are frequent on forums that allow private messages.
For those reasons, the private message system is disabled here, and we are not allowed to post our email addresses, either.
Oh dear,no none of that.I was just curios if there was someone to reach out to for a long winded question,that is totally understandable. Thanks
You've got a whole board to reach out to. That's what it's here for.
I will make it short as I can.My dh is a successful business owner is gone on trips bimonthly most of the time I go and its my favorite part of being his wife,we have alone time and its always great. He is the main provider so much that I do not handle any of the bills or finances,I have two credit cards and access to one bank account.In the early years I paid the bills and would forget one or made a late payment. He is so focused on good credit and being on top of finances that it almost caused a divorce,he took it over and I have never offered it back and I am greatly ok with it (terrible with money). I have no idea what is in his bank accounts.Here is one example, mom wants to buy a new car asks could he lend her the money. He says I should be able to work that. Here is where this bothers me, he is always handing out money to his family, I say can we afford that. His response,they will pay us back.That is true,His mom not so much.This is an annoying problem that has been going on for years, she is so bad with her money and he is always the one to bail her out.
We have an easy marriage and usually get along, last week we got in a fight,the reason I am here.What I am getting at ultimatly is how do you get such a busy man to get involved.I asked him and he said I will think about it. We went to a counselor in the fifth year of marriage,I was pregnant with dd and upset that he was not as interested like he was with the first. Well,my husband is so honest and straight that it got the dang counselor laughing, this man would listen to me and then laugh whenever my husband spoke,afterwards we both decided to never go back.
I had him download the show,if he listens that is another story.We do have some things to work on and I am hoping to get him on board any advice on how to present it,is greatly helpful.
He will probably get on board if he listens to Dr Harley, because men like Dr Harley. He has an engineers mind and everything he says makes sense. No psychobabble and pure precision. You can also email Dr Harley and go on the radio show. Dr Harley can address your issues and you can play it back for your husband. [it is free]
I am going to look into that, would I email them directly? I am not sure if I have one issue to implement,a long relationship has may issues I do know my main one,except throwing stuff when angry,I am not waiting 10 years for another blow out.He needs anger management. No, I have not told him about this forum, he would be upset with me for getting others involved in our drama.We both felt bad and talked a long time about what we both did wrong,the sex has been non stop for 3 days and I am exhausted.He is out with friends tonight and I am relived, though I a may go rescue him.He is with a friend that is dealing with a wayward hubby,she just texted me to come.I am heading there to stop this in its tracts. You have all had me on my toes lately.
Good. He shouldnt be going out with other women. If its one-on-one, it is a date. Even if there are others there, this only leads to misery, especially if she is confiding her problems in him.
Email mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
Your lack of knowledge of the financials and his going out without you where other women will be makes me very nervous for you. You need to start reviewing the financials.
I am going to look into that, would I email them directly? I am not sure if I have one issue to implement,a long relationship has may issues I do know my main one
There are many issues in your marriage and this program would resolve them all. But FIRST you have to get your husband on board and get him into anger management. Dr Harley can help you with that.
He is with a friend that is dealing with a wayward hubby,she just texted me to come.I am heading there to stop this in its tracts.
This is EXACTLY how affairs begin.
I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. I have been asked and rarely go,I am all about my kids,they were not home tonight, so I went.. I actually had a great time, everyone was so excited to see that I showed up.I am thinking I need to get out more!This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding, Long story,I am glad I went.
Good. Your most enjoyable times should be spent together.
I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. I have been asked and rarely go,I am all about my kids,they were not home tonight, so I went.. I actually had a great time, everyone was so excited to see that I showed up.I am thinking I need to get out more!This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding, Long story,I am glad I went.
Have you considered using Marriage Builders? Where are you with that? My friend, you are making alot of blog posts which is a distraction from using the program. You and your husband are not using it at all.
Some critical red flags here is your husbands separate leisure lifestyle and his opposite sex friendships. The relationship with the Irish woman is exactly how affairs begin. There is a very unhealthy independence in your marriage. In a healthy interdependent marriage, the couple spends their leisure time together, not apart.
Have you read about the policy of undivided attention?
Undivided Attention And independent behavior, which wrecks marriages and creates incompatibility:
I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.
My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.
Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.
A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior.
]
I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend.
That is not a "date" to text you to come to watch him play pool. A DATE is a scheduled date where you are the focus of attention, meeting each others intimate emotional needs.
I did not look at it to be a date.He has been on the league for many years in the beginning I did attend,the kids are older and my Friday nights are busy so I rarely go. This is a activity that I have always been supportive of and do not look at it as independent behavior.
The remark of saving was this,my hubby know's I most likely would not show up,texting me this mutual friend was at the bar and was trying to get him to take a shot.Enter in save me time,we do not drink all that often so hanging out after the games is not something he does.I went and we stayed for about an hour.Drunk people are quite comical.
I started reading his needs,her needs and I talked with him about it this morning,he seems to be on board. I will follow up on how its going.
This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding
What makes you say that she was not the issue? You're either amazingly naive, or wilfully blind.
Don't you see how easily she could become the issue - feeling miserable with her life and with a husband who does not understand? Do you know that most married women get into affairs from exactly that scenario?
I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. I have been asked and rarely go,I am all about my kids,they were not home tonight, so I went.. I actually had a great time, everyone was so excited to see that I showed up.I am thinking I need to get out more!This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding, Long story,I am glad I went.
He needs to give up the pool league, and you and he should have a date on Friday nights.
I read those both and none of that applies to this woman friend of ours,but thank you.
Please do not make accusations of someone you know nothing about.
I read those both and none of that applies to this woman friend of ours,but thank you.
You're welcome.
So you are okay with your husband having friendships of the opposite-Sex?
Yes,we are active in our community,and we have long term employees that we treat like family.I have never seen him react any differently to any of them male or female. Besides his sisters,he has 4 of them and he constantly jokes that he needs more men in his life,even the dog is female.
We are extremely cautious of OSF; they so often turn into affairs.. Sharing problems is how you build intimacy. Most women do not control this impulse to confide and receive empathy, it also encourages him to share his problems.
You are the appropriate person for her to discuss her marital troubles.
Further, at MB, we dont believe people are somehow extra bad for having affairs. Most people are vulnerable, especially with the poor boundaries in relationships today. Dr. Harley combats this with EPs, Meeting each others needs and avoiding lovebusters.
Have you read the basic concepts? We too had a good, happy marriage but we took the extraordinary precautions too lightly. This caused so much unnecessary pain a few years ago when a female friend of ours began to confide her marital troubles to my husband.
Thankfully, I discovered what was happening before my H was in an affair. We were able to cut this person completely out of our lives. We now take EPs very seriously.
I suspect you are where we were a few years ago, good/happy marriage that is very vulnerable to attack. Although your lack of knowledge about your financial situation is still very concerning. Though you dont need to handle all of the finamces, you do need to know what is coming in and out, including for the business. This is an important part of marital transparency.
Wow,my husband is not having an affair, when he does you all will be the first to know for sure! Finally one of the issues that is real,finances
An it has not been a good/happy marriage it has always been comfortable,we had rough patches the first 5 years and just kept swimming,we are now are at the point where we are roommates as Dr.Harley would say,and we have way to much independent behavior. I am hopeful and glad I found marriage builders.
I didn't say your husband is having an affair. I said your marriage is at risk.
The basic concepts are the best place to start. There are also videos.
The things to get started right away...
1. EPs- 100% transparency (including all phones, social media, online activities,etc. and no nights apart
2. UA time - spend at least 15 hours per week alone together.these should be the most enjoyable hours of the week involving activities you both enjoy. This is when you meet each other intimate emotional needs - affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.
3. Read the books, but don't stop at His Needs, Her Needs. Read on through Lovebusters and He Wins, She wins.
Many couple fall out of love because of sacrifices they make for one another. HWHW shows you how to negotiate win-win agreements
PS summer is a great time to get started because there are so many activities available.
You have gotten a lot of great advice here.
Many of us came here unhappy for one reason or another, and with marriages in shambles. Yet we maintained our defenses and argued that we did not have 'that kind of marriage' (ie one with lovebusters...one that was susceptible to affairs...etc.). We ALL had to take the cotton out of our ears and put it in our mouth at some point, there is much to learn here and an amazing opportunity to transform your marriage. I hope you can do the same. Your marriage *is* very susceptible to an affair right now for a variety of reasons. And you are doing a great many things wrong. But you didn't know before, and now you have the opportunity to learn how to have a great marriage and make it affair proof, I hope you take it.
I read those both and none of that applies to this woman friend of ours,but thank you.
The marriages that are most at risk are those who believe they are immune to affairs. [because they don't take any precautions] Go look at the thousands upon thousands of threads over on Surviving an Affair forum that can attest to this. How do you think affairs start?
We are trying to help you recognize a true risk. Anyone who knows how affairs begin can see the red flags in your husbands opposite sex friendships. It is not because we are "biased" but because we have long experience.
Those articles on opposite sex friendships apply to you and to EVERY married person. And they especially apply to yours because you have fallen out of love. When you are not in love, that leaves the door wide open for another person to come in and meet your needs or your husbands needs. Your H is very high risk because of his lifestyle of no boundaries.
I would like to find a way we can both be on the same team again. Thank you
Your marriage is at high risk for an affair with its independent behaviour and opposite sex friendships and is certainly not the way to build a team.
I bet before the Las Vegas incident that you thought your DH would never get mad enough to leave you and refuse your phone calls for a few days. I hope you can now see that, given the right circumstances, we are all capable of stepping outside of our normal character.
You struck gold when you found MB. It is now up to you to decide to pick up the tools or to continue on your current path.
Please do not make accusations of someone you know nothing about.
125,
In my experience, the stuff that people don't want to hear here on this forum is the stuff they most need to hear. If they get upset at people, 9 times out of 10, they come back and say they wish they had listened.
Rather than telling people what to do, I'd encourage you to listen. If you don't feel like listening, I'd encourage you to just hit the ignore button rather than fighting with them, for your own sanity.
125,
When I first came here many people suggested my wife was having an affair.
She wasn't, but she started one within a year.
I'm just saying, the people here have been around the block and learned a LOT. You might want to listen closely. There's no need to get upset at somebody for saying something you don't want to hear. Even if they aren't correct.
Do you have the Marriage Builders app?
Are you listening to the radio show, daily?
Is your husband listening?