Hey vets, so is it necessary to continue snooping after exposure? It did not kill the EA, I assume and know they are still talking/text. In the event it turns physical etc, am I better off not knowing to make plan A more effective, aka less stressful on me? Thanks for any input.

not a vet, but I doubt anyone will tell you to stop snooping.

Hi, Rain. Can you tell us a little more? Are you married? Any kids? How old are both of you? Who is your WH having the EA with? Is she a co-worker? To whom did you expose? Sorry, lots of questions It'll help us if we know more about your situation.

You continue snooping and continue exposing until the affair is killed. Since you are a female, you will want to plan to go into Plan B if the affair is not killed after a couple of weeks.

Put a GPS on his vehicle.
*** LINK *** to GPS info

Also, click the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
Read the complete thread.

Is your reluctance to snoop (otherwise known as getting all the facts) linked to the fact that you've been having an EA of your own?

From your thread on MB 101:

Your H's EA is with a close friend (former).
Does this mean she is also close geographically?
All the more reason to GPS his car.
Just do it.
Think of it as "insurance".

Is OW married? If she is .....
Are you 100% certain her H knows?

All in all, your situation is VERY hopeful.

Hi all, will reply in length later. The short version is: Yes...I exposed my affair at the same time I exposed his, basically added an addendum about myself in the exposure letter. I needed accountability...I was near the tale end of my EA...this nipped it for me. My exposure was via Facebook. About 25 private messages to circle of influence, work, friends, family. Some emails for those without FB. I used one of the letters from this forum. It was awesome...like a bomb went off and I do not regret it. NC since January 24 for me, the day my WS called a timeout on us. One week later...I figured out his affair. She was a close friend, used what she knew about me (she knew of my EA) to get close. It is our first affair on both sides.

Hi all, will reply in length later. The short version is: Yes...I exposed my affair at the same time I exposed his, basically added an addendum about myself in the exposure letter. I needed accountability...I was near the tale end of my EA...this nipped it for me. My exposure was via Facebook. About 25 private messages to circle of influence, work, friends, family. Some emails for those without FB. I used one of the letters from this forum. It was awesome...like a bomb went off and I do not regret it. NC since January 24 for me, the day my WS called a timeout on us. One week later...I figured out his affair. She was a close friend, used what she knew about me (she knew of my EA) to get close. It is our first affair on both sides.

Thank all. I appreciate the advice, I will keep digging. I thought that Plan A was from 3-6 months after exposure? Why only 3ish weeks Mel? I get it though, each day its so hard to be the best...when your dying inside.

Hi Marital Bliss, Yes, I am married 10 years with 2 children. We were a great couple, but after reading all the books I wasn't meeting his need for admiration & conversation. He is rewriting history...saying our marriage was kinda awful. (for him) We were not perfect but had a BLAST, the envy of our friends. MY EA was with a very well-known person, out-of-state. It was very hurtful to my husband, he did ask me to stop on several occasions but I didn't until the night he said he couldn't be with me anymore. She was a very close friend that is divorcing her husband.... she knew of my EA. So apparently they started texting, then calling. Then my WH started to hide it. He is an honest man, but I don't know who he is NOW. Soooo crazy, never in a million years would I think we would be here. I exposed to everyone that they had in common on FB...and her family, work. Also, sent some emails. I revealed my affair too, he insisted on that. I had to send another round of messages, ugh. But, I am glad it is out in the open cause I am not perfect. So HUGE aftershocks in our town and I have a ridiculous amount of support. Everyone loves my husband too, so they are supporting, trying to reason with him. I am thankful I did expose, but she is leaning on him now quite hard, she doesn't have anyone but my wonderful, albeit WH The texting is constant...how do I address it without LB? Also...he is probably meeting her tonight. I do not see the physical attraction AT ALL. (FYI...I was a bikini model not all that long ago...I get plenty of attention and he is proud of me.) But, I guess I was too busy with the kids to TALK to him though. I get why we are here, I just don't know how to fix it. I am going to counseling and he indicated he would be interested. He said he may reconsider his position when my actions change. I need to demonstrate honesty, not judgemental, lower expectations, fight fairly etc. I am working hard on all these...but it is so hard when his attention is elsewhere. He moved out of our bedroom on Jan. 24th, the night he needed a break.My heart is broken...I also was going thru withdrawal from my EA so the pain was extra fierce.... I love all the threads, they help me through each day

Calmly, lovingly and assertively do your best to prevent them from meeting tonight. Get in the way of this wrong behavior. That is not a LB. It is being an assertive, caring wife who is protecting her marriage and family.

Let him know you do not agree with his texting. Let him know it is not allowed. Let him know you are not going to sit by while he disrepects you and your children.

Calmly. Lovingly. Assertively.

Tell him no.

You're not going to accept it.

Dr. Harley explains that this is the difference between what men and women can handle emotionally.

Typically, wives can only handle 2-4 weeks of a solid Plan A. Husbands can typically endure a longer Plan A, up to several months.

Making it difficult for a wayward spouse to communicate and/or meet with their affair partner is not a LB.

That seems to be a big misconception among betrayed spouses in the middle of Plan A.

I know of a man who is currently being cheated on, and he was watching his WW's dogs while she met up with her OM.

Yes, he was willingly doing this.

Doing the best we can to protect our loved ones from harmful behavior is a caring, responsible thing to do. Putting up road blocks is a caring, responsible thing to do.

If my friend is drunk, I would make it difficult for her to drive. I wouldn't try to reason with her. You can't reason with a drunk. But I'd take her keys from her. I'd put her in my car and drive her home. I'd do what I can do.

If my teenage daughter was planning to have sex with a boy tonight and I knew about it, I'd take away her phone and other communication tools, I'd plan a very important something else for her to do. Whatever it takes.

Yes, she could still run away and have sex with the guy. A wayward spouse could do the same.

But, I'm going to do whatever I can to make it difficult to carry out a harmful behavior.

I'm going to do it calmly, lovingly, assertively.

THIS answers your question about what he sees in OW compared to a former bikini model.

It's not unusual for men married to world-class beautiful women to have affairs.

It's all about the ENs. Yanno?



Per the adultery script.
People get lazy in a good marriage.
I know.
Personal experience.



Your H had his A for the same reasons you did.
Opportunity plus ENs met by OP plus weak boundaries.



She is needy, therefore she gives your H lots and lots of ADMIRATION.
Your H was empty due to lack of YOUR admiration. Why? Because you had been giving your admiration to an out of state famous guy.



All adultery begins with lies.
Including yours, right?
The BIGGEST lies are the ones we tell ourselves making it "alright" to do what we know is wrong.



It's best when all is out in the open.







GPS his CAR!!!!!!
Really.
I could not be more serious.



He is falling in love with OW because OW is meeting his intimate EN of admiration .... and, newsflash ... it may already have become a PA.
When a man falls in love with a woman, he wants physical contact.
Her comparative beauty to yours has ZERO to do with it.

And, the little lie you just told yourself is screaming at me !!!
You may have been "too busy with the kids" .... but you were also too busy filling OMs lovebank to be bothered with thinking about your own H.

GPS his car !!!!!!



Honestly, your BEST bet would be to make an appointment with the Harleys.
I am serious.



Plan A is hard.
So what?
College was hard.
My career was hard.
Marriage is hard.
parenting is hard.

Let's not get all lazy about this.
If it's important, and it is, then what's "hard" got to do with it?



Move him back in the bedroom.
Remove other bedding.
Just tell him where he will be sleeping. In the marital bed.

By the way, this is the reason I suspect the EA is also a PA.






Call the Harleys.
Time is of the essence.
Forget individual therapy.
You're not crazy.
You need a marriage recovery plan.

Best of luck.
We're rooting for you!

For women it is 3 to 4 weeks and men, up to 6 months.

Wow...it would be devastatimg if it indeed is physical. I installed an sms (text) retrieval on his phone...but he had deleted all her communication. what is the cheapest gps systm?

LINK to MB's own "special ops" ***wink*** forum

There is a thread just for GPS choices.

You can bet the farm OW is doing everything in her power to make sure it is.

I think chances are, that ship sailed awhile ago, and thusly, WH moved out of the marital bed.

.... sorry .... but we keep it real here.