post#1
so here i am. as we have worked together on mb, counselors, etc, and read the books i begin to see how cliche' it all is. it's amazing no one tells you this until it's too late. it should be a class in high school (probably wouldn't have paid attention) or college (would have thought it could never happen to me, or it was so simple how could anyone not see it).

How can smart people be so stupid? if i heard my life as if it was someone elses, it would have been easy to see the issues and solve the problems and warn myself. idiot.

i love my wife.

conversation and affection // sex and recreational activities
it should have been on the marriage certificate i wouldnt be here typing midnight on a friday night

three sides to every story, mine, yours, and the truth. this is mine.

what came first, the chicken or the egg? I stopped conversation and affection, or she stopped sex and recreational activities. answer: it doesnt matter.

sex is like air, you dont think about it until its gone. and when its gone, its all you think about.

i go to sleep next to the person i want every night, i cant have, and doesnt want me. insane torment

i love my wife, but no sex. we talk about it. it doesnt go anywhere. so i look for affection elsewhere, i flirt etc and then i cross the line. problem is, i crossed the line when i flirted. i was already digging the hole.

bam. secret second life.

(just saying it is horrible. confession. addmitting to the horrible person you are. that will knock you down. but the most pain i ever felt in my life is watching the pain i caused my wife.)

today
everything is on the table, polygraph etc. she has access to cell, computer at work, i'm gps-ed. i am an open book. (its pretty easy to accept when you have nothing to hide.)

i call and text all day. some more than others. but she always knows where i am. counselor 2x/wk. i'm all in.

i still leave details out during the day and she wants to rip my head off. but you've seen the posts. i havent. but i think i am getting better everyday

my wife has been posting for a while and she has encouraged me to log on. so i am sure i am opening myself to some bashing.

so here i am.

as i watch her sleeping in the chair across the room as i type this......

here i am.

Welcome, I have followed Dee's thread from the beginning and we have posted back and forth a bunch for support becuase our D-Days were so close.

I dont think you will get much bashing as you are already out of the fog and working on recovery. You are not blame shifting or trying to hide.

One thing I'm having an issue with right now with my FWH is him taking the reins and helping me heal.

Read here :http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2554098#Post2554098

Dont let Dee go through the same things He and I are going through. Step up and learn from this site what is needed to heal her wounds first (without her having to ask or push you). Then it will heal your own. Its like taking out the trash, you know when it needs to be done so she should not have to ask you to do it...

Welcome to MB. I am very glad that you are posting here.

We care deeply about chickadee, not just because many of us are betrayed spouses, but because she is a lovely person. Her willingness to try again with you shows her great personal strength, and I don't suppose that right now, you can appreciate the gift you have been given - but one day I hope you will do.

You've registered on a weekend, which will be quiet, but stick around and keep posting to your thread and it will take off. From my perspective as a BW (the victim of a long, long-distance affair with numerous false recoveries), if you post here and ask what you can do to help recovery, that will be a tremendous help to your marriage. Don't stop posting after a short time because things seems okay from your end; that sends out a bad signal to your wife. You need to take the reigns and lead the marriage back to recovery. Your wife has worked so hard to get you here and now you must take over recovery.

Remind me whether you are doing the online course? If not, you should sign up for it right now (with agreement from your wife, of course).

I don't like your name. That's a horrible thing to call yourself, and from today, you are going to make sure that you are not a jerkyboy! Would you consider changing it?

Hi JB,

Welcome to MB!

What MB books have you read?

Are you counseling with the Harley's?

JB,

once you've answered his questions and the two of you get talking, do everything that PapaBear tells you to do.

Hey, it's Chickadee's husband!
What Sugar said. You should change your name. It applies to you less and less every day.

Now that you've been immediately met with criticism , welcome! You've been doing some serious defogging, so I doubt you'll get much in the way of 2X4s. But you will get a lot of valuable information that will help you and Dee as you recover.

Good job, posting here!

Hey maybe we are looking at it wrong and he just like to eat beef jerky.

Good call, LD! Jerkyboy it is Of course, we'll probably shorten it to JB, too. I don't think he qualifies to be called "Jerk" at this point.

I don't think he qualified for it.

Now if I can just get my husband to do the same and sign on.

Hi Jerkyboy, welcome to Marriage Builders. Glad to see you here posting.

Or, maybe its a reference to the prank calling Jerky Boys from Queens, NY.

Alright then, Jerky.

I am in for the name change. You have proven you want to make a difference in your life, her life, and your marriage. Reading your name tells me you look down at yourself still. Yes you can look down on the Adultery. You don't have to look down on yourself.

This is what recovery is all about. Being able to look yourself in the eye. If you were still wayward you would be more than a jerk. Since you are working to heal yourself, you are simply human.

Integrity is sticking to the tough stuff even if the easy way out is on your front porch.

Stand tall, stand proud in your marriage, and stick around. You will make the lives of those on this board and around you better. For that you are a good man!!!

Deer jerky - that's the good stuff!

jerkyboy is what my wife called me (actually prior to DDay when she wasnt happy with me)so i thought it worked.

although there is beef jerky in the kitchen, and i know the boys in queens you mentioned.

i will look into changing the name.

so my wife is standing next to me and saw me typing and put her arm on the shoulder and walked away. that is why i will continue to post as long as it takes to make this work. its all i needed.

couseling
worked with jennifer for 5 months
just started mb on line course
read
his needs/her needs (should be required summer reading in school)
most of love busters (didnt read what didnt apply)
how to help your spouse heal from an affair

hardest thing right now is
nothing seems to be good enough
everything is important, i am not telling her everything thats important
my wife flips out VERY quickly (understandable)
i go into the cave and shut down

THANK YOU EVERYONE....
whatcha got in the picnic basket papabear?

JB,

Let me say this as a husband whose wife was nearly taken away and used for their own comfort and pleasure by another wayward husband... Welcome. Thank you for working or recovering your marriage and being better than you hoped you could be. thank you for not giving up on your wife no matter how hard it is (because us BS' make recovery hard when we are blindsided by this.

a word of advice. When you feel like shutting down, that's when you need to open up the most. Roll a stone in front of the cave so you cannot go back there. It feels like nothing is good enough, but it is. Thing is, it is going to take a lot of time and repetition. You are building with small stones to make a big wall. Don't forget that.

Keep posting, it helps. we're here. Healing will come

CV

JB, welcome to MB and what a great thing that you've started posting here!

ITA w/CV. But I know where you are coming from. It's hard *not* to shut down.

Sometimes I write. Well, more so lately I type - I couldn't tell you how many times I've started to compose a post here and deleted it, thought better of it, but somehow articulating my thoughts helped me. A journal has been suggested on lots of threads, one that you and Dee can either pass back and forth, or one you can leave available for her. It may help you with the whole "everything is important/not telling her what is important" issue.

I had 2 sessions w/Jennifer - she is great! I remember one of the things she and I talked about was RH/O&H. I was a trickle-truther as well, and post-A, O&H was my H's #1 EN. JC thought that it was most likely not more O&H about my A or the past that he wanted at that point, but more O&H about my present thoughts, feelings, and so on.

Get one of those little pocket-sized journals and keep it on you at all times. Write in it throughout the day. When you are home, leave it where she can read it whenever she feels like it. The more open and vulnerable you are to her, I bet the less she'll "flip out." You might be calling and texting your whereabouts and such, but what about the thoughts you have throughout the day? JC told me if I ever had the thought, "I shouldn't tell my H about this," then DUH - tell him! What about things that happen during the day that make you think of Dee - you read a funny story on the web, maybe, and think, oh, Dee would think this was funny - write it down.

I think it says a lot that you are willing to come here and post. Hope you stick around.

If I could give you one thing sir; keep the name. Do not change it seeking the approval of others. If your wife is fine with the name, keep it. She's the one from whom you should now and forward seek approval and admiration from.

In fact, with the revelation that it is one of her "pet names" for you, it fits.



Now... on the "nothing seems to be good enough" front; brother, it's just beginning.

I'll present to you two analogies that will illustrate the task at hand - the first is one used by the poster DoormatNoMore;

Creating romantic love after infidelity (aka "healing") is like creating a new island by chucking buckets of sand in a lake. It's going to take a lot of sand before it begins to peek above the water. Wind, waves, rain, and storms will wash that peak away, but you have to keep chucking buckets of sand.

My analogy;

Due to the agony you have released on your wife, she has wrapped herself in a protective shell. There are small cracks in that shell where some light can get in. You are tossing grains of rice at this shell, hoping to give her the nourishment she needs. If you throw only a single grains, or only small amounts (not keeping up with UA, not meeting ENs) they are not likely to fall through the small cracks.

However, if you throw HANDFULS (20+ hours of UA time, becoming expert at meeting her EN's, adhering to EP's), then some grains can slip through the cracks and give her the nourishment she needs to go forward.

She is STUCK in that cave, sir. And your actions put her there. She cannot simply decide to come out. Your action is what will free her.

JB, You've been coached by one the best marriage counselors available.

Dr. Chalmers opens your eye's, doesn't she....


So tell us how POJA, RH and UA are going....

I'm also curious how long ago your affairs began and how many there have been.

I must ask you all to make allowances for me. I never thought of beef (or any other) jerky when I saw that name. I'm British, and it just isn't part of our menu. You can see beef jerky in the aisles of a large enough supermarket, but it just isn't a regular food over here! I don't know anybody who actually eats it!

I only thought of "jerk" which we hear said a lot on US TV shows, and that is what I thought was wrong for a recovering WS.

Ignore me, JB, and carry on!