Ok, so I have been lurking here for a few days. I have read pretty much every article on here and will order the book when I get paid.

Here is my story (long).

The day before halloween last year husband and I got in a fight at a halloween party. When I went home he was asleep in our 8 month olds room. He had left his phone. I clicked the button on it and my world unfolded. I didnt even have to snoop. The convo was there. Kissy faces, pic messages etc. I knew he had been deleting stuff was weird. I confront him, he laughs and tells me I am crazy. Over the course of a week I get more information as I cry and dry heave and vomit each night. Turns from texts to pics, pics to kisses, kisses to sex one time, one time sex to he had been sleeping over and this has been ongoing for months (the talking started while I was still pregnant). Its a girl at work. I find out to many details, even sexual ones. He had been staying over a handful of times at a friends house bc he couldnt drive home but was with her. lunch time rendevous, etc at work. Apparently he told her (and god knows how many other people) at work we had an open marriage. He breaks it off with her but tells her we just stopped being open. I made him tell her the truth. I contacted her. She seemed upset, to hate him. she apologized. I still hated her, shes so stupid. She had been to my house! For New years! UGH. Anyway, it was a long road but we began couplse therapy. Fast forward to this summer and our marriage is better than ever. Cloud 9. JUST this past weekend (about 9 days ago) we spent all day together without the kids (now 5 and 18 months) talking about how great everything is. How happy we both are. How we can take counseling down to like once every 6 weeks just to check in. I am literally happier than in years. I think this affair may have been a blessing, it improved my life despite the hurt.

He never left his job because it is his dream job. Its highly unlikely he will make the same or enjoy it so much anywhere else. My therapist knew he stayed at work. It seemed ok (obviously reading here I see that was the wrong thing).

So Weds of last week he tells me we need to talk but not to worry its nothing. I freak out tell my friend. She texts him, and he tells her "oh no things are better than ever, i just need her to know something". So he comes to my work and tells me he has feelings for OW and hasnt been with her since but he thinks he loves her. He wants to go to his own counselor to sort through and he is telling me so we can work. I am so upset I dont go home until after he is in bed. The next day I text him "I feel like there is more - like youve been with her" and he says "I dont know how to tell you this-yes" I FLIP. I spend the next 12 hours crying on the floor of my office. Texting her rage, texting him rage. threatening, yelling, screaming. She is really snide with me and says he loves her and he wont stay away, he pursued her and he wont stay away, love doesnt go away because he says so and he told her he was telling me to be with her. He tells me he needs to know what Im going to do. To me this sounds like if I say im done, he goes with her. I tell him Im not going to ask him to stay, I wont beg, I wont fight, He can just go. He begs please no.

He goes with her on his lunch break and breaks it off. She texts me and her tone changes that I can just have him whatever but she still loves him and "I gave up once and it wasnt easy, and im going to fight because I cant go throguh this every year" [censored] YOU. Anyway, she tells him when he breaks it off "well im giving her my email password" and she does. Its awful, mostly sex. But at the end alot of her getting mad that she only has a boyfriend for 30 minutes before work and at lunch. she says "shes had 8 years with you and ive gotten only 2 of emails, i deserve a chance. I dont get sleepovers and dinners, i just get emails" so she pushed him for more. He tells her in email hes telling me to "do whats right for us" who us? them us? I dont know. SOunded to me like he was saying hed tell me so they could have their lives. But when he told me it was "im telling you so I can fix our marriage."

Its been a few dyas. He sleeps on the couch. He says he will look for a nwe job, is finding a counselor, is reading this website. He says he loves me and he isnt sure what he feels for her, he thought it was love. He thinks he has a sex addiction. He always pushes me for sex 2-3 times a day, constant. I cant give in that much. It got to the point where he just BOTHERS me until I give in even if I dont want. He says he felt unloved and we werent ok, and that he shouldnt have to tell me - but I said how can I know if you say "its great" that really you arent in love? Anyway, I find out he started emailing her 4/29 this year. so the affair was only over for 6 months.; the emails to her start with hey how are you and in 2 emails turn to what panties are you wearing, i want to jump you, your my ninja girlfriend whatever. There are pics. Pics he sent to her and to me. (same as last time). he had a key to her house and was leaving extra early for work to go there and having lunch there. He told her outside of 7-4 was his families time and she couldnt contact him.

He keeps going back and forth that he loves me and cant be without me, and even though he told her he saw a future with her, that never didnt include me. He goes back and forth from I love you I know what I want, to Im confused and not sure what Im feeling. I want to know an answer. I dont want I dont know or Im unsure I want to stay married - that makes me insulted and like the answer is no.

I am so lost. I really love him. My friends say if I stay, I am being a doormat, and I am acceptying that I will eventually get a disease, or he will get someone pregnant, or I will cotninue this pattern. Im so lonely. At home at night I want to be held. I want him to come to bed but I dont ask. I want to cuddle on the couch. Am I blind? Stupid? Pathetic?

I said I was just going to not make a decision and see how his therapy played out...but I cant just sit around like this. And everything is moving to slow. I want answers.

He says he does not contact her at all. I have his email coming to my phone, I check phone logs daily. The phone logs and bank statements have been clear this whole time. He never spent money on her or the affair at all. the phone records where a mess last time but clear this time. He made a separate email and they where communiacting that way like text but on email. How doI even know he doesnt have another email on his phone?

Im hiding all this from my kids. Im scared. Im lonely. I dont know what decision to make. Im scared if I stay my friends will abandon me and I will just allow him to hurt me.

I dont know what to do this minute let alone with my life. I dont know what to say, how to act. If I hug him is that wrong or right? If I love him is that wrong or right? Do I ask him to go stay somewhere else? What if he runs to her arms. I dont know what to do. Hes so confusing.

I'm so lost. I know he must leave his job and get counseling...its just so slow. We wont make it if he just quits. And if I divorce him, him not having income will affect my child support. He has to find a job before he can quit.

Im rambling. Im sorry. Please help Im drowning.

Details:
Other woman is his coworker (age 32)
*also OW says she is ok w being the gf and he can stay w me. HOW [censored] UP IS SHE?!
2 kids: 5 and 18 months (girls)
together 8 years, married 4
I'm 25, he's 24 almost 25
we own our home, dual income. We make the same about.

Not sure what other details.

The first time all our friends knew and one of his cousins. No other family. I cant tell my parents, my mom is unstable and seriously might committ a crime. I told my grandma this time and he his brother. Only a few of my friends know so far.

Everyone in my life besides 1 person is telling me to leave. Kick him out, file for divorce, etc. Im so torn.

At night he hugs me and says he loves me.

I'm also so confused bc it seemed so good....the repeat doesn't make sense. Does the repeat doom me for life?

He's on of the best men I know- he was always a role model husband...we get along so well. If you erased these 2 affairs, and the excessive pressure for sex, my marriage is better than any I know. I'm so lost hurt confused. I dint know which way is up and it seems every thought decision action word is wrong and hurtful one way or another. I can't win

confusedandtorn, it is real important that you make plans to separate and get away from him. This is critical to your mental health. Your husband is extremely abusive and will not stop. It is in your best interest to get away from him before you have a nervous breakdown.

I would pack his bags and ask him to leave today. Get him out of your house and change the locks. Once you do that we will help you with next steps. By allowing this to go on like this, you are essentially enabling him and making this worse. He is getting his needs met in TWO places so he has no motivation to stop. You are endangering your mental health by allowing this go on.

You must also expose this affair to everyone. Call his parents, your parents, close friends and family. Ask them all to call him and use their influence to persuade him to end his affair. Do a formal exposure to the workplace. Expose to all the OW's family and friends on facebook.

Your husband is not a good man. A good man does not abuse his wife like this and jeopardize his the safety and security of his children so he can chase skanks. A good man is not a liar and a cheater.

Please go and pack his clothes.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, confused.

I wish you'd gotten here sooner! Once again, we have a therapist giving horrible support to spouses in crisis.

Sadly, as you've seen, adulterers cannot work together. If you want even a remote shot at recovering your marriage, your WH is going to have to leave that job. And none of this business with looking for work, sending out resumes, etc. He needs to quit that job today.

Has this affair been exposed to their employer? That needs to happen. How about the OW? Is she married? Boyfriend? Do you have her whole name? We can tell you how to track down her family and let them know what nastiness their relative is up to.

He is eyeball-deep in affair-fog. And he will remain that way as long as he's getting a daily dose of his addiction/OW.

Baloney. He's in daily contact with her. All he has to do is see her across the room to be triggered. He will have to have NO CONTACT with her. FOR LIFE. As you have seen, his best attempt to end the affair and remain in the same workplace has been a big bust. Try as he might, it's not a matter of IF, but a matter of WHEN, the affair goes full-blown once again.

Whether or not you want to remain in this marriage is up to you. However, I wouldn't even consider it as long as they are working together.

I'm confused. I thought MB does not promote leaving and abandoning if the cheating spouse ends the affair?

He hasn't ended the affair. Please understand that. As long as they are working together the affair is ON.

Inhave her whole name. Her address. Her number. She is single but dates. She "does not believe in possession". Even if he left me for her shed still see other people. I think a big part of this ismshe is just willing to screw him constantly. Like 3 times a day. At his beck and call.

If he quits our mortgage won't get paid...whether I kick him out or not, we need a roof.

Your H has not ended his affair. He sees his OW every day at work. What MB advocates is that you go into Plan B.

I'm not trying to make excuses...but I only have a few thousand in savings... Like maybe enough to cover 1.5 months of his income. Plus I lose my car (company car) and inurance. If I do all that I'll not only be getting divorce, I'll be homeless with 2 kids

Can you cover the mortgage if you divorce? Because that's where you're headed if you remain complacent and hope for the best while the two of them are cozying up at work (and in her bed) together.

Go and find her facebook page and copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc. Try and ID her parents and family members.


Of course. So he will have to find another job. But he needs to MOVE OUT until that happens.

I cannot pay the mortgage without his income for more than a month, maybe 2. And that will drain every penny we have.

So I'm supposed to kick him out until he finds another job? He says he will quit. He says he can put in notice. He has been looking.

Looking for like 2 days. The first time I did t ask him to leave his job

Oh no, he will have to continue to pay the bills. Don't worry about that. Kick him out and then we will help you fashion a letter to give to him that lays out that he will have to continue paying the bills. You will also designate an intermediary who will act as your go between and set up child visitation.

Your H cannot legally just stop paying your bills. If he does stop, you can file for divorce and any judge will force him to support pay the bills.

An affair/adultery/philandering/boinking/kissing/sex will only end when NO CONTACT for life happens.

His affair fog has him fantisizing/dreaming/getting delusional as long as he is triggered by it.

Triggering can happen by PHYSICAL CONTACT/PHOTOS/TEXT/TELEPHONE/FACEBOOK/WINDOW PEEKING/HALL GLANCING/LUNCH GAZING/SPEAKING ABOUT IT/FRIENDS/CHAIRS/TABLES/COMPUTERS/ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN BE ASSOCIATED TO THIS SORDID ADULTERY!!!

Get ready for Plan B. This boy of a husband of yours needs a dose of reality. What life would look like without you his devoted/beloved/faithful/loving/caring wife and your girls.

Tough~

I would suggest that you take all your family money and put it in an account that he can't access. Waywards have been known to clean out family accounts to finance their affair.

You're not going to be homeless. Have you no family who could take you in, worst-case scenario?

Don't let fear dictate your actions, confused. You need to stand up straight and make your demands clear. You need to demand that your WH quit that job today. Or he should get out of the house.

I know what I'm talking about. My H had a workplace affair. It was exposed to his employer and ended that day. The OW quit the job and left. My H tried to end the A on his own before exposure and couldn't do it. Just knowing she was down the hall from him was a trigger that kept pulling him back into the swamp.

If you want to save your M, that is. Your call.

I'm saying if I make him quit his job, or ask, the. He leaves with no income. Not even unemployment. Then there is no money. And I lose my car bc it is a work benefit. And insurance bc it is his work benefit.

He said he will continue to pay my mortgage if I ask him to leave. Not to mention I manage every cent of our money. He doesn't even know what we have in savings or how much our bills are. He wouldn't know where to start

After you pack his clothes, I would start making phone calls and expose this affair.

Call these people up and tell them about his affair and ask them to speak to him. Ask them to use their influence to persuade him to stop his adultery. ASK YOUR MOTHER IN LAW TO CALL THIS HO AND TELL HER TO BUZZ OFF:

1.his parents
2. your parents
3. his grandparents
4. any close siblings or friends

Send a facebook letter via PM to the skank's family and friends - SPACE THEM 60 SECONDS APART SO YOU DON'T GET SHUT DOWN FOR FLOODING:

Facebook exposure suggestions. First thing: go to the OP�s facebook page and copy and paste all their contacts into a word doc. This is real important because when you start exposure, you can expect the target to shut down the page.

When you expose on facebook, you should select key targets and send them a private message. Do not write this on a wall because it will be buried and ignored. Space your private messages out 60 seconds so fb does not shut you down for flooding. Make sure your full name shows up on facebook. Change your picture to one of you and your spouse and make sure there are several pictures of your children that are visible to the public.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW