Ok, I first discovered this site in 2001 after my first separation. I've been a lurker all these years. Please excuse me if I ramble...there is so much to say. I've been married for 13 years and have been in the military for 17. Our marriage has been like a roller coaster over that time, but I have always tried to keep it together. Some quick background info; my wife left me in 2001 because she said she was unhappy. She was gone one month and we seemed happy until 2009. She has never been the type to communicate very well. She always held in her feelings until she finally decided to explode. She has been a stay at home mom our whole marriage. She is 33 and was 20 when my oldest was born. In 2009 she went out with friends and said she would be back by midnight. My son asked for his mom at 1:30AM so I got worried because I was asleep and she wasn't back yet. She finally came home at 2:30AM and we fought. That brought out all types of feelings that she had stored up from over the years and caused us to separated. Right before she left, I discovered her first affair. She then moved to her mom's and we took turns with the kids every other week for about 3 months.

I took her back and we went to counseling. She said she would spend the rest of her life making it up to me and she loved me so much. I told her I just wanted us to be equal partners and for us to have a good relationship. This past April, she got a job working for the gym. I supported her and was happy for her. In July she met a guy there and started emailing back and forth. I first suspected something at the end of August. It wasn't until Sept 15th that I woke up while she was taking a shower and checked her phone. I found emails saying they had so much to lose and they love each other. I was devastated once again. I went back and forth about wanting to end the marriage and I actually filed the paperwork. The OM is also married with 5 kids. My W told me that it only happened once and that it's over. She emailed him and sent me the responses saying that she needed to work on her marriage and he said have a good life.

As of last Monday, she is living in a 1BR apt. She said she has never been happy and that I can't make her happy until a week or two ago, she said that this is just a separation and she would go back to counseling. She even told the kids that she would try to work on things. I am very distraught because I still believe that she may be seeing the OM . I don't have proof because she uses her smart phone to do all over her contact and has since put a password on it. Over the last week she has spent time over my place, but spent the night in her apt. She spent Saturday and Saturday evening with me and left Sunday evening with the kids and had me over for dinner.

Every time my W has been unhappy and has wanted out of the marriage, I have been the one to repair it. I pray multiple times per day and hope that she will come back around, but it's hard to say if that will ever happen. I have been kind, courteous, respectful and loving like the Bible says I should be. Part of me feels like I'm being taken advantage of because of my kindness. I'm at a crossroad where I don't know if I should serve the papers or keep trying because I am not ready to let go. I love my family and I spend a lot of my time with them. I haven't even been able to deal with the pain of the affair because I'm trying to work on saving my marriage. Statistically, it doesn't look good for me. My wife says to have faith and maybe one day we will work our way back to each other. I'm sure I left out some details, but that's the bulk of it. Thank you for listening.

Did you ever expose any of these affairs? Have you exposed the current one?

She's cake eating and will continue to do so as long as you let her.

Time to expose the affair and track down the OM and expose to his family and friends and wife, if he has one.

I would consult a lawyer and have papers ready to file for abandonment and request full custody and child support.

Hi helpthelostdads,

I did expose the affair and I confronted the OM. I have talked with the lawyer. I really didn't want to divorce. I was hoping to restore the marriage somehow. I live in CA and don't believe that the courts will side with me. I did help her move because I was trying to be supportive of the separation in hopes of reconciliation. She has the kids this week so I don't believe that would be considered abandonment.

Fixed it for you. She needs adequate housing for those kids, a 1BR apartment doesn't cut it. Get your kids, stop the insanity in their lives.

Women need guys who are TOUGH and FIGHT FOR THEM, not roll-overs who feed us cake.

What do you mean tough and fight for them? I'm a combat veteran in the Marine Corps. What are you suggesting?

You helped her move out!

GJM, to whom has the affair been exposed? What was the OM's wife's response? And does she know that your wife has moved out to pursue this affair with her husband?

wow...harsh...ok, I can deal with that.

I helped her move out because it's the right thing to do. She is the mother of my children.

The affair has been exposed to family and friends. The wife is trying to decide if she wants to divorce the OM and she is very upset as well. I don't talk to her. I can't say for sure if she moved out to pursue the affair. She has been here the majority of the time with me and the kids. I'm not naive enough to say that it's not happening. I was just trying to see how I could reconcile not investigate. I don't have control over my wife or the OM. I work through prayer.

GJM, have you personally spoken to the OMW? And what have you told your family and children about her affair? I assure you she has moved out to pursue her affair.

I would disagree that it was the right thing to help her move out. That implies endorsement which is not good for her or you. Dr Harley discussed that issue with another betrayed husband in this radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815


You should be investigating to find out what she is doing. You have a right to know what she does. Additionally, you have a moral obligation to protect your family from her evil. you can't very well do that if you don't start fighting against her affair. It is your job to protect your marriage and your children from her corruption. She has lost her mind so you are ALL they have.

GJM, it is real important that you stop enabling her affair. Your complacent approach comes across as a lack of caring. If she ever comes out from the fog, she will not remember your enabling fondly.

I would ask you to reconsider the thinking behind this. Is it the right thing to abandon your children and your marriage for an adulterous affair? If you agree that is wrong, wouldn't it stand to reason to helping her do that is wrong?

If she wanted you to drive her to the crack house to get high, would you do it because "She is the mother of my children?" Or would you refuse to cooperate when she behaves in ways that are self destructive and destructive to you and your children?

What do you mean tough and fight for them? I'm a combat veteran in the Marine Corps. What are you suggesting?

Firstly, God bless you, and THANK YOU for your service.

Now, I'm not going to be suggesting anything that should be unclear.

STOP THINKING IN TERMS OF HONOR AND FIDELITY, MARINE!

She has slipped into a netherworld where neither of those are part of her life. She has mutated into a selfish, immature creature, sampling a little bit of hubby/family, a little bit of POSOM, as in a buffet.

SHE MOVED OUT TO BETTER MANAGE HER GETTING BONED BY ANOTHER MAN! PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME THAT COMMUNAL FUNDS ARE SUPPORTING HER LITTLE SCREW-AROUND PLAY-PAD!

FIGHTING in affair-termination terms means telling everyone in her life what she's doing. It means cutting her off from all possible means of support. Her current life-style has enabled her affair; your mission is (effectively) to ruin that life starting today.

Here's a synopsis of what you must expect to do:

NEVERGUESSED�S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

You are absolutely correct. I tried to get her to stay, but she said that she was uncomfortable there and that she felt like she was walking on egg shells. I haven't told the kids about her affair because I didn't feel like they were old enough to be able to handle it. I told our family and friends that she had an affair with another man. Her family supports her no matter what she does. I haven't been complacent, but it's been two months now since I found out and I have accounted for her time. I have checked phone records and her email and FB. She may be more secret about it, but I can't say for sure.

I have always been the macho type and have always taken a stand for what's right. This time around I feel weak and helpless. I don't know what to do. I want her to come home and try to work out the marriage. She still visits me and texts and calls throughout the day.

BTW I just found out that the other BS decided to work through her marriage to the OM. I found out through a co-worker. I need help to fix my marriage not run away from it.

NeverGuessed,

That seems like a lot of work and a lot of money, which I do not have.

Did you listen to the radio clip? Dr Harley gave that man HELL for helping his wife move out. He routinely tells men to NOT help their wayward wives move out. Did Dr Harley tell the man in SAA to help his wife move out?

Did you tell the OM's wife?

And yes, your wife did move out to pursue her affair. She is just hiding it better.

How old are your children?

And have these friends and family members called her to try to talk some sense into her?

MelodyLane,

Kids are 13,11,8

OM's wife knows and decided to work it out.

These family and friends support my W. Mine tell me to leave.

Plenty old enough to be told about their mother's adultery. They should be told all about the OM and why their mother moved out. She moved out to conduct her affair.



OM's wife does not know. She does NOT know your wife has moved out to conduct the affair and that the affair is still on. You NEED to call the OM's wife and kill this affair. She only knows the lies her husband tells her. She can't very well stop the affair if she doesn't know.


So they have told your wife to end her affair? Or do they even know about her affair? Have you asked them to help you?

I have read that judges dispise telling children about affairs. That would destroy any chance I have of reconciliation. I don't have access to the OM's wife. The OM works near me, but they live over 50 miles away.

Her family is not helping with the affair at all. I'm not sure the affair is still going on. Like I said, she has been around me most of her time. I'm not saying nothing can happen, but she has gone from wanting a divorce to a separation and going to counseling.

Can I save this marriage? I'm afraid to tell everyone I see about our private life because it's embarrassing to me and the kids. I only told the ones close to us.

Has her family said that they support her breaking up your family for a married man with five kids???

If so, they need to go on the NC list if you two work this out.

YOU need to contact OMW. Personally. Who cares how much 'work' it is? That's like saying, "I want to work this out, but only if it's easy for me."

Is that what you're saying?