hi, im married for 8 years with my husband and we have a 6 yrs old daughter. i thought that my husband is almost the perfect husband and father to us, he is very caring and i thought the most loyal. until last month, i discovered his infidelity. i was shocked and truly devastated. and what it makes worst is that he has a child with his lover. i really dont know what to do upon knowing this.i really not expected it from him. i never felt that there is already something wrong with our marriage until this.i found out that their affair was already 2 or 3 years. please take note that the information i got came from my husbands lover, i have the courage to message her and ask her their story. shes one of my husband's past girlfriends.
my husband is working abroad right now.this year, before i got knowledge of his affair, we are already having problem. i constant nagged him because of time and limited communication. he dont want to talk and continues to ignore me,since he is always saying that we are always back to same problem.he felt that i demand too much.until he says that he does not know if he stills love me and he is not happy with me anymore. and then i found this affair. at first, he denies the child, but since there's a lot of evidence, he did not admit it be he only says that he cannot do something about it, it already happens.the affair happend when we are still together,i did not really felt that he is already doing something behind my back.or probably im not that sensitive or im noticing some changes but continue to ignore it.
my husband says that the affair is not the reasons why we are like this or why we have arguments.i think he is pointing out my attitude. according to him, before, he loves me so much but when we start arguing all the time and it came to a point that we already hurt each other,he says that he started to feel distant with me.
actually he did not apologize or say sorry to me, i do not even feel he is remorse about this. he says that he is not expecting us to settle this or to fix this,since he already knows me. i will just make him remind his affair every single day of our life since i have the tendency to always brought up the past.im not sure if they still have communication but according to the other woman,my husband is not talking to her since november last year. my husband did not even support her with their child( because shes not asking also).
the scenario is, my husband is still distant and not ready to discuss this whole mess.i dont know what are his plans to us and to his child from other woman. i dont know if my husband is still interested to the other woman or not. we are not talking a separation, he never says that he does not love me anymore.im confused with him.
to tell you honestly,im very hurt, but im still hoping that we could fix this. but how we could fix this if my husband already judge me or us that this cant be fix anymore because i will not forget this. forgetting is very difficult but i am willing to try.
according to him he dont have any plans to be with the other woman,he may choose to live alone. i really dont know what he's true feelings to me and to our relationship. i want to fix this, i want us to start over but right now,he dont talk and still distant. im just waiting for him to say that he dont want me anymore. do i just assume that he dont want me anymore and i just have to move on?

hi nixie, and welcome to MB. i'm sorry for the pain that brings you here.

it helps if you put some paragraph in your posts. let me see if i have this right: your WH has been having an affair for the last 2-3 years, and has had a OC with her. you discovered their affair and spoke with the OW for confirmation, which was when you learned about the OC. your WH has admitted the affair, but has made no move to break off the affair, or recover your M. does that about sum it up?

well, nixie, you have come to the right place! MB can help you restore your M, if that is your choice. you may want to consider that for awhile.

if you think you do want to stay with your WH, the first thing you need to do is read this thread: Thread to Help Newly Betrayed. you will get lots of help here. it is important that you read the site, particularly the basic concepts, and ask questions. DO NOT tell your WH about this site!

hi letty,
thanks for the prompt reply. im sorry if have not clearly told the scenario. and since im new here, im confuse about the abbreviation you use, OC and WH( i think this is husband) =)
anyway,since i really need others point of view, here's what happened. my husband started working abroad last year.everything is fine, until this year. we already had conflict because of communication. i nagged him and he shuts me down,he ignores me.i really dont know the reason why hes like that. one of our friend told me that the only thing he is complaining is my attitude,being a nagger.
until 1 day, i found a picture of my husband and a child in an online diary where it was used as a profile pic(it was an edited pic).thats where it started, i searched the name of the child and theres where i discover the pictures of my husband with a girl.the affair happened before my husband work abroad. then i have the courage to email the girl about the affair and she admitted everything.after i have talked to the girl, i asked my husband about it, who is the child, etc. at first he denies that its his child,so, it means he has an affair since he does not directly deny the girl. my husband says that he dont have any communication with the girl anymore.
even the girl says that my husband is not talking to her anymore.i dont really know what is my husbands true feeling for the girl, but he said to me in one of his emails that he dont have any plan to be with that woman.
he did not apologize with me or i did not felt he is remorse about it. i actually feel that hes blaming me why it was happened. my husband is not talking about this mess right now,he stop communicating and what he said to me is that he thinks we cannot fix this because he already knows me.he is sure that i will only blame him and will remind him of his affair if we are still together.he does not directly said that he doesnt want this relationship anymore or that he does not love my anymore.but i feel that he has also resentment to me and he is not sure of what hes feelings to me.
what im planning to do is just to stop communicating with him until he is the one who will approached me and say to me that he really want to fix our marriage.this all happens very fast and im still in denial,but im trying to accept the reality. i just dont know what my husbands truly want and feel towards me, the other woman and their child, and even his plans for us.

here is a quick link to abbreviations. ignoring your WH is not a good idea. you need to tell him that you will not stay in an adulterous M, demand that he end it and recover the M.

you really need to get Surviving an Affair. and also Lovebusters (there is a section in LBs about nagging, which is a LB). both are available on this site or via amazon.

i'm sorry you found out about this in such a fashion. hang in there; i'll be back tomorrow after work, and i'm sure the vets will pop in soon. weekends are slow round here! in the meantime, check out the notable posts section of the forum.

Welcome to MB nixie!!!

I am very sorry for the extreme pain that brings you here. Try to eat and sleep a bit, as much as you can. You have hard work to do.

Your husband was a good man once, but sadly all people who enter affairs become addicted to having two people or to having the opportunity to stray.

His goal is not to choose the marriage, but to keep on having an affairs while blaming you. He also doesn't want to face the fact he hurt you abominably. He did the crime but is now dodging the consequence.

That is why he keeps making complaints and delaying any resolution by saying he 'isn't ready'.

Of course like everyone else in marriage you will have made some mistakes.

You should begin Plan A, being a great spouse so he has nothing true to complain about (he still will though).

But you should also stand up for yourself and demand the travelling, lack of remorse, unwillingness etc end immediatley. Suggest he start packing if he is not ready to commit to recovery. Pleasantly.

People do not love doormats, so you must get a little tougher, in spite of your terrible pain.

A few weeks of a tough Plan A is what is called for.

Don't do anything much just yet, but make an effort with your appearance, put a good pokerface on, don't cry, don't plead and don't listen to him blaming you. Just go and do something else if he assaults you with blame.

Is he away right now?

Please listen to these clips of a WH having an affair and resulted in OC. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on An Affair results in OC
Segment #2
Segment #3

Nixie, your first step will be to complete a full exposure. Tell everyone about your husbands secret second life to put an end to the secrecy.

This is a very valuable tool in disabusing Wayward spouses of the notion they can harm their marriage in secret privacy.


This link will tell you how to expose the affair partners.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653100

Read it and come back here for an exposure plan. We will help you do it right.

Do not warn or threaten exposure to Wayward Husband or Other Woman!!!!

Silence until its done and they find out from others...

hi indie,

yes, he is away working abroad right now. thats why its very difficult for us to communicate. he is not actually blaming me, but he is still not communicating knor discussing what he really wants. he emailed me once, and some of my questioned were anwered, but about his future plans i dont have any idea.

but what i feel, is he has resentments with me and he is not sure already if he stills love me. im trying to communicate with him to open his heart and mind to me.

about exposing the affair, his parents and family already know this and 2 of his friends and 1 of my friend. but i have not told
it to my family. since im still waiting the right timing and for us to talk first.i want to finalize everything. im not sure if thats the right thing to do. bout the other woman, what i know is that her family knows their situation. im not just sure about this exposure plan..

Addicts dont love anyone but the addiction, Nixie. He wont feel anything for you until the addiction is gone. He has a secret second life so he can pursue his addiction to affairs.

His withdrawn resentful behaviour is designed to make you feel resented and blamed. Even if he does not spell it out. Why isn't he making you feel loved and making things up to you? Because withdrawn resentful addicts dont do that. Exposure helps change their attitude many times, if they have it in them to be good husbands.

Have you read the exposure thread? Exposure is not simply about telling people. It is about everyone encouraging the wayward to stop being selfish and to work on the the marriage.

Of course you need to tell your family and the OWs family need to know too.

They need to help her stop being an adulteress and they need to help you keep the adulterers apart. WHs have been know to return to the OW after 20 years of happy marital recovery if the proper exposure steps are not taken.

Regardless of what happens, your family need to know you are in pain and need their support. They should also be asking WH what he plans to do to prevent hurting you again.

Plan A encourages you to show yourself as his best option. It is also an 'how to I use tough love to beat the addiction and safeguard myself from another affair'?

If you simply accept him back, while he is sullen and resentful - and if you dont tell everyone....

....you will simply be cheated on again.

He needs to stop acting so entitled. He needs to be apologising to the extended family for his actions and making it up to everyone by healing you properly.

Read up on Exposure so as to inform yourself how it works.

Without Exposure, you will have little help in getting him to agree to an affair-proof marriage.

Without an affair-proofed marriage, the next time he cheats your daughter will be older than she is now, and even more confused as to why marriage looks so traumatic.

Full exposure also involves children over the age of four. She needs to know the safety of her family has been put at risk and why. Children know when things are being hidden and they are being lied to.

With exposure you have a shot at an affair-proofed marriage and a recovered family for your daughter, with her father's apologies.

A chance.

Dr Harley has DECADES of experience dealing with sullen, resentful 'I dont know who I love' waywards. Exposure is the likeliest tool to help them see the urgency of why they have to repair their marriage for the sake of their family. He has seen it many times.

Here Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair. Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair
Radio clip

Dr Harley was five when he discovered his grandfather's affair.
He actively encourages betrayed spouses such as yourself not to hide or lie to any child over the age of four.

hi indie,

thanks. i think i need to breathe. there's a lot of things going on my mind right now. i just learned the A for a week only. im trying to calm myself and everything. i feel so overwhelmed of the situation right now.
you are right, but i think i need to start from the first step.i will again read the LB,how to survive and affair and all the post regarding exposure. ill try to absorb first all of this. and then i want to know what i really want from this marriage and when i already decided what i want, ill pursue it. hope to receieve more advice from you guys.
i feel im a little bit rushing things,i cannot accept the fact that i was the one who has been cheated but im still the one whos doing and thinking on how to fix this.

nixie,

I cannot emphasise enough: get ready for exposure, and make it wide and far. Don't hold back. You have an atom bomb ready to drop on top of the affair, but you only get to drop it once.

While you're preparing for exposure, work on tossing LBs out of your life and start doing detective work to figure out your spouse's emotional needs. Once exposure hits, your spouse is going to NEED those ENs to be met.

nixie, these threads will be helpful for you:

Exposure 101

A Thread To Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

i have started reading the thread and i think this is great.thanks

hi qohelet,
thanks also. i will defenitely follow your advises.
but im still having a hard time to accept that i have to do this for us even im the one whos hurt. and then he's not yet making any move to show or say that he wants me and he wants to fix this. is it really right that im the one who should do all this things?

and one thing, since he's far away from me, how can i show or ow i can i met his emotional needs? sorry, i know the answers are all in this website, i still need the time to read.

It's not right and it's not fair, but meeting his ENs gives YOU power. Once you expose, the affair will probably be killed. When it's killed, he'll be in deep pain and be ready to have his ENs met in a week. Maybe less.

My WW says she doesn't want to be my wife, doesn't want to be around me, doesn't want me to meet any of her needs except financial and she wishes she didn't need me for that, that she hates me, that she'd like to punch me, that I've ruined her life.

I'm sticking to Plan A anyway. This affair has hurt her immensely. Now she can learn her BH is someone who will heal her.


This is a toughie. Do you know what her ENs are? I had to deal with my WW moving out from the day she asked for the divorce. So far, I have:

- Taken her on two 5-day trips to a place we used to live and spent time visiting dear friends (couples), together

- Sent her plenty of cards, e-cards, notes, short e-mails, texts with compliments

- Brief 5 minute phone calls that are uplifting/positive for her. (Make it so when she sees my caller ID, she knows she's about to get her needs met, and that ABSOLUTELY NO lovebusters are waiting on the other end of the line.)

- Keep her always 100% informed of my schedule, even if she doesn't care.

Your spouse's top ENs are probably not Conversation, Affection, and Openness/Honesty, but you can meet some of them over distance.

hi nixie. how's your reading going? have you had any contact with your WH today?