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Troubleshooting and repair…

Part of my job is figuring out what is wrong with communications systems and making repairs in order to keep them operational and fit for use. I am “the radio man.” At least that’s what my clients’ employees call me, as in “the radio man is here. Which truck has the problem?” In order to solve this problem, I have to figure out what the problem is and fix what is broken so that they can communicate with each other. This is really three separate parts as follows:

Troubleshooting: Before anything can be fixed, I have to know what is wrong with it. I can often determine simply by symptom what needs to be fixed, but more often it requires that I try various components individually in order to determine what it is that is broken. A system of 10 serial devices can fail to work if any one of those devices fails to operate within specification. The more complex the system, the higher the probability of failure so each system is unique and yet all are similar enough that I do not need to reinvent the wheel for each one in order to affect repair and return to normal operation, which is the goal of the whole process.

Repair or Replacement: This is the first real issue that needs to be addressed. An inadequate system, no matter how well it works will always be less than is needed. If the customer requires greater capacity or has different needs that cannot be addressed by the current system, one of two things needs to occur. I can either revamp the entire system, adding components in order to meet the current requirements or I can replace the entire system. The problem that I often encounter is a budgetary one. Seldom does a customer have unlimited funds in order to simply replace the entire thing and it becomes necessary to improve on what is already there rather than to start over. But sometimes, only a total replacement will do the job, so in those cases a customer has to bite the bullet and spend the bucks to get what is needed for their application.

On Going Maintenance: Every system, no matter how simple or complex requires periodic maintenance in order to continue operating at peak efficiency. In order to affect this maintenance it is required that the system be checked periodically to verify that all is working to specification and those things that while not yet broken but drifting in operating parameters need to be adjusted or replaced before the entire system becomes unusable.

A marriage is a very complex system. As such it has many things that can go wrong that can make it not fit for use, in other words broken. The most common problem we discover here at Marriage Builders is infidelity.

While it is often tempting to deal with infidelity as the problem, it is really more of a symptom. The failure occurred somewhere along the line that allowed the affair to begin in the first place and so often it is the result of poor maintenance practices.

Since the marriage is so complex it requires almost continuous monitoring for proper operation. Unless problems are identified before they affect the whole system, the intended outcome can be jeopardized.

Once a marriage has been broken by infidelity, it requires that a decision be made. That decision is whether the system as a whole is adequate and can thus be repaired or should simply be abandoned and replaced entirely. Whether this means divorce and remarriage or rebuilding the old one using some of the existing components (keeping the same two people married to each other) or if everything needs to be new, in which case only a divorce and moving on will fix the problem. Just like with the radio system this requires a serious consideration of all current and future requirements before that decision can be made. If you don’t want to fix it and just replace it, simply call it the end and move along with your life.

But like most of my customers there is often such a large investment that has already been made, children, homes, memories and all the rest, that seldom does throwing it all away for a different one seem plausible. In this case repair and/or rebuilding are the only real options for most.

In order to affect restoration of proper operation, I often use a technical or repair manual that gives theory of operation as well as trouble shooting hints and lists components that can be replaced or modified in order to reach the desired goal.

And that is the purpose of this thread. I wish to give a trouble shooting guide for broken marriages that can help those now facing the dilemma of divorce make decisions and directed efforts the will assist in meeting their goal of a fully functional marriage.


What follow will be several posts designed to stand alone as modules that can be implemented depending on what phase the marriage is in. Various aspects can be used for more than one phase and are therefore treated individually rather than as a single process. By following the trouble shooting guide and the flow chart method I have set forth, I hope that it will become evident to some that may be struggling what is really at stake when different problems come up along the way.

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:45 AM.
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The Marriage Builders Marriage

Theory of operation: The premise of the Marriage Builders Marriage is to provide for each other extraordinary care. This means that all that can be done in order to make each other happy will be done in a timely and effective manner. This will ensure that your love for each other will continue, grow and function in a way that will keep you both happy, contented and attracted to each other. It requires performing specific things in order to meet this goal and those things can be broken down into a process I will call the Marriage Builders Method.

The MB Method: The basis of this method flows from the Basic Concepts of Dr Harley.

1) Meeting each other’s most important Emotional Needs.
a. In order to meet each other’s ENs you must be able to identify these ENs
i. Fill out the ENQ
ii. Agree to meet each others top ENs on an ongoing basis
b. Because our ENs can and often do change as time goes on, the ENQ must be revisited occasionally in order to make adjustments necessary to continue working properly.
c. Set aside time for Undivided Attention
i. It is by spending time with each other that we are able to meet each other’s ENs
ii. Following the Policy of UA requires that we schedule the time to be together and make that time a priority in our lives.
2) Resolving conflict
a. The most effective way to do this is to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement
b. Failure to follow POJA can cause resentment to build up over time and become a drain on the Love Bank thus causing a future failure of the marriage
c. It must be remembered that only enthusiastic agreement fulfills the requirements of POJA. Anything less is destined to cause resentment in the future
3) Avoiding conflict
a. The Policy of Radical Honesty can go a long way to avoiding conflict
i. Informing each other of plans for near and long term is required to keep from causing resentment and depletion of the Love Bank
ii. Giving each other veto power over our plans ensures that we can never do anything that will cause conflicts that might be difficult to resolve after the fact
b. Following the PORH also prevents a secret second life from being established
i. Total honesty requires that we share our feelings with each other, both positive and negative
ii. Honesty also requires that we never do things that fall under the Love Buster category of Independent Behavior, since we are sharing all aspects of our life with each other
4) Avoiding making withdrawals from the Love Bank
a. Identify Love Busters
i. Complete the LBQ
ii. Agree to avoid love busting behavior
b. Set aside time to report progress and give feedback
i. Adjust behavior as needed
ii. Communicate openly concerning LBs using PORH
c. Avoid IB by following POJA.
5) Have no friends that are not also friends of the marriage.
6) Repeat the process…

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:44 AM.
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The Broken Marriage

Once a marriage has been broken or stopped working properly it becomes necessary to repair or rebuild it. There can be several reasons that this state has been encountered.

In order to determine a course of action it must be determined if there has been an outside influence, most often an affair by one partner or the other.

This question must be answered first: Is there an affair, even a beginning stage Emotional Affair?

If ‘yes’ then go to Plan A.
If ‘no’ then go to Recovery.

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:47 AM.
Mark1952 #2033535 03/26/08 07:41 AM
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Plan A: This is a specific plan that is based on the ideas presented by Dr Harley. It is designed to do two things, both of which have as their primary goal the end of the affair and yet neither aspect of the plan ensures the end of the affair. This plan can be described as the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

1) The Carrot of Plan A.
a. This is really a self-examination and self-improvement program.
i. Attempt to discover the wayward spouse’s top ENs
ii. Do all that you can, based on what the WS allows to meet these needs
b. Identify Love Busters in your own behavior
i. Discover what it is that you do that causes your spouse to be unhappy.
ii. This includes Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments and Independent Behavior as the primary problems to be overcome
iii. Eliminate these LBs from your day to day existence. Notice that the total elimination of these is the goal, not just getting better at avoiding them.
2) This is not the time to attempt to resolve long standing issues in the marriage other than LBs and only as they apply to your own behavior.
3) No commitment from the WS to recovery can or should be expected as it will be failed expectations that will cause you to lose hope.
a. No discussions of the relationship are necessary in order to carry out Plan A
b. The WS does not have to buy into the MB concepts for you to execute Plan A.
4) The Stick of Plan A.
a. Exposure of the real trouble between you, that is the affair, needs to occur so that others around both of you understand what is going on.
i. If the affair partner is married, their spouse should always be informed since they too have to take actions based on reality and not the false information they already believe.
ii. The family of the WS needs to know what is going on so that the reality is known before the WS can give any spin to your “problems.”
iii. If the affair partners work together, their employer should be informed, especially if company resources such as telephones, cell phones and computers are being used to communicate or other company assets are being abused such as lunches etc.
b. Prepare for the most hateful things to be said to you that you have ever heard.
i. You will be told that there was a chance for the marriage, but that now that chance is gone (ignore this)
ii. You will be told that you had no right to call the AP’s spouse and tell them the truth (ignore this too)
iii. You will be told that you are interfering and trying to control your spouse and this is why they are leaving you (Yep, you can ignore this as well)
5) Defend the marriage and the family from the WS’s actions
a. Do not allow the children to have contact with the affair partner.
b. Do not finance the affair in any way
i. Do not pay for an apartment for WS to live in
ii. Do not Move out of the marital home and establish your own separate residence
iii. Do not pay for baby sitters so that WS can meet with AP.
iv. Do not pay for cell phones or LD calls so that the APs can remain in contact.
v. Do not allow the family funds or marital assets to be diverted to the affair.
c. Do not enable the affair to continue
i. Do not allow the affair to be rubbed in your face.
ii. If WS calls OP in your presence, respectfully request that they stop because it is disrespectful to you. You don’t have to blow up to do this. Just say it.
iii. Make plans for family time and request that the WS be present. Basically monopolize their time so they can’t get together.
6) Reassure the children that you will always be there for them
a. Do not defend the actions of the WS, but do not constantly complain to the children about it either
b. Step up and become the primary care giver of the children.
c. Do NOT under any circumstances allow the WS to move out and take the children without a court order to force the issue.
7) Seek legal counsel to determine your rights and what you need to avoid in order to stay out of trouble.
a. If The WS decides to leave, this can include a legal separation agreement
b. It could also perhaps include an order of protection to prevent the AP from coming around your home and children.
c. It does not have to include filing for a divorce at this time.

Decision time: Did the affair end and NO CONTACT with AP begin?

If ‘yes’ then go to recovery.
If ‘no’ then go to Plan A (repeat until some predetermined period of time has passed such as 3 months, six months etc. But prepared for Plan B since your own Love Bank will be depleted very rapidly if the affair continues)
If the affair still continues after a predetermined time has passed, go to Plan B.

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:48 AM.
Mark1952 #2033536 03/26/08 07:42 AM
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Plan B

The purpose of Plan B is to save any love that you have left for your spouse. So in Plan B you withdraw from living with the WS (a legal separation agreement is the best option in order to protect your assets and guarantee that the family can go on without the WS.

If you have children, an intermediary should be established so that you do not have to deal with the WS even in order to exchange the children for visitation. If at all possible, attempt to get primary custody of your children to prevent them from being exposed to the AP as much as within your power. This might also have the added benefit of causing your WS to miss the children thus pressuring the affair further.

Keep in mind that the purpose of Plan B is not to bring the WS home as much as it is to protect you from the affair. To this end, your goals should be to affect personal recovery, build a life without the WS and care for your children. No contact should be attempted with the WS to discuss how they are doing or to discover the most recent status of the affair. Contact should be limited to emergencies only, usually of a medical nature and normally only as it applies to the children.

And while you are no longer doing anything for the WS in the way of meeting their ENs at all, you have one very important thing to do…Wait!

At some point you will arrive at a decision point once more.

Has the affair ended, the WS agreed to meet all of your requirements for returning to the marriage and committed to rebuilding the marriage if possible?

If ‘yes’ go to recovery.
If ‘no” return to Plan B until a predetermined time has elapsed, such as two years form the start of Plan B. At that point another decision needs to be made.

Are you willing to wait longer?

If ‘yes’ then go to Plan B (wait longer)
If ‘no’ then file for divorce and move on.

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:50 AM.
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Recovery

Recovery is where you begin to fix things that went wrong the first time around. In order to do this you will likely require a marriage counselor and perhaps each will have an individual counselor as well. Recovery can be said to be certain steps that are taken to arrive at the goal of a marriage that is stronger, better in every way and less vulnerable to an affair by either of you in the future. To that end the following should take place

1) Attend counseling
2) Go to MB Method
3) Repeat 1 & 2

Are you recovered? Do you have the marriage of your dreams?

If ‘yes’ go to MB Method until one of you dies.
I’ ‘no’ go to step 1 above.

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:51 AM.
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Additional Notes:

1) The Policy of Radical Honesty: Share as much about yourself with your spouse as you know. This includes your fears, your hopes and dreams, your plans, both short term and long term, your weaknesses, your likes and dislikes and anything else that might have an effect on the way you might feel, act or relate to your spouse.
2) The Policy of Joint Agreement: Do nothing without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. While this doesn’t need to include what shirt you wear to work on Monday morning, it can even have an influence over such mundane things as how you dress and what you might have for lunch. Since one of your spouse’s top ENs could be having an attractive spouse, how you dress could have a profound influence on his/her happiness. Like how you are dressed, what you eat might even cause your spouse unhappiness or at least discomfort. If you tend to eat garlic laced food for lunch and one of the things your spouse wants from you is a big kiss the moment you walk in the door, the tone for the entire evening might be ruined by something as simple as choosing what you eat for lunch.

Now I’m not suggesting that you have to check with your spouse before you order that Kung Po Chicken while out with a client at lunch time, but you might consider what you will do about your breath before you get home. Just like any decision you make that affects your life, once you are married, it also affects your spouse’s life and eating junk food all day or eating at the All-U-Can-Carry Buffet for lunch everyday, might also put on a few extra pounds and even have health risks that will have consequences that might adversely affect your marriage in years to come not to mention the requirement to be attractive to your spouse as one of his/her ENs.

3) The Policy of Undivided Attention: If anything can be said to be the most important of all of the Basic Concepts, this might be it. Without spending time together, you will have a very difficult time meeting your spouse’s ENs and you will also not get your own ENs met very well either. Dr Harley suggests at least 15 hours per week spent without the kids, the family and friends around doing recreational activities together.

While this seems like a lot of time and effort, the goal is to fill each other’s Love Bank by meeting ENs. Having fun together is the real goal of this time, since when a person enjoys the time they spend with another person and every time they are together they experience this sense of enjoying themselves, it eventually up that these same feelings are manifested simply by being with this other person.

This is how you will affair proof the marriage for the future, so it cannot be neglected. There might be weeks when it is simply impossible to spend 15 hours together, but over all, that should always be the goal, since unless you are together, not dealing with the day to day problems associated with running a marriage and a household, you will not have the ability to make each other happy, which is the goal of all of this.

4) The concept of Extraordinary Care: This simply means that you will do what ever is within your power to insure the happiness of each other as you work toward common goals and building a life together. This includes meeting each other’s ENs, spending time together and avoiding Love Busters so as to avoid making yourself the source of your spouse’s unhappiness.

Overall, this pretty much covers the bases. # 4 above sums up the totality of Marriage Builders methods of marital happiness and success. If you really love your spouse, you will only want what is best for them and by meeting each other’s ENs, avoiding Love Busters and following the Policies of joint agreement, Radical Honesty and Undivided Attention, you will be a source of happiness for them rather than a source of unhappiness, and that will be the beginning of the marriage of both your dreams.


Related Problems
: Sometimes when I go to a client’s location to troubleshoot a radio system, I find that other problems exist that prevent the system from operating correctly but that are not a part of the radio system itself. Often times I will find a phone line problem between the control station and the transmitter or a power fault condition that is not within my capability to solve for them. In these cases, I simply refer them to other resources to get these troubles resolved and if the radios still don’t work, I can then return and do my part of the repair.

As it applies to marriages, there are times when it does not matter what steps you take to build a stronger marriage, you are fighting a losing battle. In the case of a chemical or alcohol addiction for example, even Dr Harley recommends treatment for those disorders before attempting marital counseling. This is because when a person has this type of addictive condition, they do not respond to what might otherwise be a good thing in most circumstances. And addict most often is more interested in getting their next fix or drink rather than putting forth the effort it takes to rebuild trust and take responsibility for their own well being and happiness.

Under these conditions, the real problem is the addiction in most cases and until that is successfully treated; little chance of real recovery is possible. In addition, as long as they are addicted, any attempts by you to “fix” them will be taken as a giant Love Buster no matter your motives, so in these cases, only professional treatment will do the trick. Until the addict is willing to change him or herself, no amount of meeting ENs will have much affect and attempting to avoid making them unhappy will only enable them to continue the addiction. This is what the codependency movement was started to help with and is really the only valid application of it, though perhaps true sexual addiction might be included in its list of treatable addictions as well as other addictions to a lesser degree.

I know some are now asking about the difference between this and the fact that an affair is compared so often to an addiction, and don’t the same things apply to an affair. The answer is “no” simply because the affair is the primary problem and so application of treatment for that specific problem, i.e. application of MB Plan A and Plan B, are tailored for just such a purpose. But just like changing a radio when a problem exists with the telephone line will not get my customer back on the air, attempting to recover a marriage form the aftermath of infidelity when other addictions, not directly addressed by those methods will not have the intended result.




So there you have a part of how I spent the week the forums were down for upgrade (I think there is an oxymoron in there somewhere…Down for Upgrade…Hmmm…)

Last edited by Mark1952; 03/26/08 07:54 AM.
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Awesome post(s) Mark. This one should be pinned to the top and referred to often, for oldies and newbies. Thanks! smile


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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WOW! What a great condensed outline of MB principles in a nutshell! Thanks for posting this.

Ace

PS Just discovered we can change font sizes! Cool!
Definitely an UPgrade! grin


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4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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[quote=Mark1952]

While it is often tempting to deal with infidelity as the problem, it is really more of a symptom. The failure occurred somewhere along the line that allowed the affair to begin in the first place and so often it is the result of poor maintenance practices.[quote]


OH WISE MARK HAS DONE IT AGAIN....

I highlighted the above remark, because it has applied to my sitch throughout my whole ordeal. This is almost word for word what my MC has been saying and even WS has been saying. It took me a long time to understand what this meant. I think I'm finally getting it.

Anyway, this is a good post to direct everyone to...and its a GREAT analogy Mark....

Thanks for pointing out was is so obvious, but yet so many have a hard time putting into words.....

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^^^bumpity bump bump^^^

bumping so the evening crew can have a good read at it....

thanks again Mark....


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Great post Mark. You rock!


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

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Mark,

Can you re-wire my marriage? ... and the repair manual for Bronco's is great...


Wait... I got that wrong...


The reapair manual for marriage is great...

Can you re-wire my Bronco?


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
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Quote
Can you re-wire my marriage?
No, but you might be able to...

Amazin, you might be one of those cases where fixing the system might require that someone else fix her part first. Don't know if any changes you can make are going to matter unless what you're working with works like it's supposed to.

After enough Plan A to show that you have done your share of the repair if the whole is still lacking, you reach a point where you have to wait for the them to get their own poop grouped so you can fit the new pieces in. Until the rest of it works like it should, any further repairs you make will be a waste of time and effort. It might be about time to stop making service calls and say "Call me when you are ready to do what needs to be done to make this thing work," and turn off the lights...(That would be Plan B)

As for your Bronco...Sure. I can help you with that. I'll be right over...

If I'm not there by 10:30 it's because the training I have scheduled for 30 sales people couldn't be postponed because the guy helping with it has already left DFW...In that case, you'll have to start the project without me.

What are you rewiring on a Bronco? and why?

Mark

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Quote
It might be about time to stop making service calls and say "Call me when you are ready to do what needs to be done to make this thing work," and turn off the lights...(That would be Plan B)


Concur, I think it's about time for me to go into plan B. I just need to get a few things in order.... Plan B letter, Intermediary, Get my junker back, etc...

Oh... and some guidance from ya'll....


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
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bump for SallyG

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bumping because this is powerful wisdom


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
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Bump so this amazing thread doesn't get lost.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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some how I missed this. I sure am glad I checked it out from your sig line Mark!


GREAT JOB!


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
ME 47 WH 48
Married 30 yrs.
2 DD,4 GC
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Bumping for the newbies.

Begin at the beginning, of course.

Mark

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