Removing the secrecy of an affair by its exposure is often the only "upset" necessary to end it. Frequently, merely the threat of exposure causes an affair's end, even before a BS knows it's happening.

Just as frequently, a BS who has discovered an affair hesitates to expose it, fearing shame, backlashes from the affairees, or a tougher course to recovery.

After discovery and a refusal of the affairees to end an affair, its exposure is just about the only direct action a BS can take to end it and doing so is a staple of Plan A. Yes, a love buster, but a calculated one.

I offer the following links to posts covering the prevalent methods of exposure for the benefit of BSs contemplating it.

Please add to each individual post below to offer your views or personal experiences that may contribute to the benefit of all for the specific topic, or to this post for views/experiences of general interest.

On revealing the affair to the light of day

On involving/informing the WS's family

On informing OP's spouse of the affair

On contacting the OP

On exposing a workplace affair to the employer

Good work ... like always <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 04:09 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

My personal Experience with Exposure:

Everyone told me to do it.
I wouldn't do it...to worried it would end my M.
I finally saw no other choice and just did it.
Exposure saved my M....hands down. I wouldn't be in recovery right now if I hadn't done it.

I would not have had the courage to expose if I hadn't had the support of Mr. WAT in particular, and other's here at MB.

My H could have faced a Court Martial, that was a big reason in trying to avoid exposure. Regardless, I exposed and that was all it took to break up my H's fog.

Exposure made him face the fact that there were 2 families being destroyed here and it also brought out some pretty ugly warts in the OW.

OW has since moved on to her next victim....another married soldier in that reports to her. Go figure!

Sending you my repect and admiration WAT. You're the best!

up for Blue Note

Exposing hasn't slowed my WW down any at all but getting caught did appear to make her feel guilty, til she justified by claiming she didn't start dating OM til after separation. I have evidence that indicates otherwise. Exposing did make me feel better and I would do it again.

For the record - I should have said this from the beginning - exposure did not upset my XW's affair sufficiently for her and OM to end it.

It pretty much exposed itself, they were so blatant.

Nonetheless, exposure did contradict and clear up lies told to others by both my WS and OM which caused the end to a lot of head scratching by mutual acquaintences.

WAT

I agree with the exposure clearing up lies told to mutual aquaintences. I could see things falling into place in some of their minds. Some of our closest mutual friends have distanced themselves from both of us. I think from WW because of reality of hers lies coming to light and me because they think I have gone insane- dwelling on this crap. It is just about all I think about. WW has complained to me that some friends of hers won't speak to her anymore. Oh well, too bad so sad.

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Nice post, Wat!

Exposure? Well. . . for WH it seemed to put him in a huge depression. As each new bit of information became available I shared with family and friends. He was constantly saying,"do me a favor and don't tell everyone this or that."
My answer? I'm only telling the truth, I'm not the one living a lie.

Not sure if exposure has helped the situation. But it has certainly helped me so far.
And we are communicating more and more, so I can only hope we are heading into the right direction.
But as far as the exposure getting him to drop the OW - that didn't happen.

I have to add, that talking with OW hubby has been a tremendous help for me. And it has been good to tell WH that I know quit a bit about the OW. It seemed to demystify her all the more.
In fact, unknowingly I had info that apparently she chose not to share with WH . . . so that was pretty interesting.

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^bump^ This thread is so important, it should be permanently at the top! ^bump^

WAT,
Thanks for a great post! You and I have debated on this isssue in the past, but I think we are in agreement for the most part. As you know, I chose non exposure to anyone beyond my W. We are at 9 months and steadily improving. I can say that it was extremely difficult to keep this to myself. My plan A was to break contact and as long as we made progress, I kept to the plan. I have read many accounts here and in other M books. I have seen a wide range of ways to expose the A. I can say if my W had not broken all contact by the 6 month mark, I would have reevaluated non exposure. My point is you should use exposure only to break contact. There should be no other reason.

Every situation is different and it s/b evaluated on a case by case basis. I was really trying to protect my family and do what was best for them and my W. Also, I have seen where family and friends may even discourage you from saving your M, so I would say tell those who will help you save your M. You should really think through exposure and definately use it when all else fails. I really think it finally comes down to the WS choosing to end contact.

I know 9 months is not a recovery, but my W is responding more and more each day. I can say now it was worth the pain b/c my children and extended family will not be hurt by the A. I can say my dependance on God grew immeasurably and I really learnd alot about myself. I owe my resolve to God and the poeple on this site.

Thanks again WAT,
Christ's Love,
Roman121

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WAT- you are a full service member of MB.

Thanks
KY

Exposure to me that my BF was married would have meant that if I had to keep seeing him (which I doubt very much) I would not have let him into my daughters life, my brothers and sisters would not have welcomed into our family, my friends, neighbors, people at my company would not have thought he was the best thing that ever blew into town. My relationship would not have ripped my and my daughters life apart. The relationship would not have been able to go that far. My daughters father would most definitely have got a court order to keep my dauther away from him
(and him and his now wife would not have given him christmas presents).

Everyone who has an affair with a married person is not slime of the earth. Maybe most are but you just might be one of the lucky ones whose spouse is actually messing around with someone who does care about the sanctity of marriage.

A short note, message on my answering machine, a call from a friend of the wife - just to say this is my husband and I am going to fight for him. It doesn't have to be a conversation.

For what it's worth...
Weaver

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Bump!

Hey WAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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