PLEASE TAKE WITH A HUGE GRAIN OF SALT
About 4 months ago, I fell for OW who is a teacher at my school.About 4 months ago I decided to become a liar and a cheat
Within a little over 3 weeks, we had decided that we had to leave our spouses (she was married for six months) and be together.I am prone to impulsive choices and capable of throwing my life away on a whim.
I told my W and OW told her H on the same night.Please notice - I make NO MENTION of how my wife reacted to having me shoot her through the heart. I was not paying attention to my wife's feeling as I was shredding her soul.
It was EA until we left our spouses and then became a PE that night.I could become sexually aroused with another man's wife while my own wife was emotionally hemorrhaging at home.
We stayed together for ten days and then I felt like I wanted to go back to my W and so I left the OW in a hotel room and went back to my W.I do not mention remorse or responsibility - because I only want what I WANT - I WANT - I WANT
I cried like a baby that whole day and my W was so sweet and compassionate and caring.Again - I am impulsive and only talk about MY FEELINGS MY FEELINGS MY FEELINGS
She took care of me and then the next day I went back to work, where I saw OW. I told my W that I needed space alone to clear my head and she told me to do whatever I needed to make myself better.I returned to the heroin den and decided to take more heroin - because I WANTED TO - and no thought about breaking my wife's heart.
I lived in a back house alone for two days and then contacted OW and she spent a few days with me and my W had no idea. I brought the heroin to my wife's home and drugged myself and lied about it. Aren't I cool?
Then I met with my W and told her that I wanted a D.I told my W I wanted a D - but I forgot to notice my wife's reactions to this heart-breaking announcement.
I then semi-moved in with OW, but felt unsure of myself and sad.My sadness matters. My wife's broken heart is not even on my radar.
I called my W a lot and talked with her and it felt good to be in contact with her. I fail to mention how my wife felt because it does not matter to me, as long as it made ME feel good I would continue to abuse my wife's good nature and her love for me.
I then told the OW that I wanted to be back with my W and so I started sneaking around W’s house leaving anonymous love notes, clues, etc. She caught me one morning and asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to be with her forever. We moved back in together. Now I find myself giddy with the affection of 2 women who both want ME ME ME ME ME ME. I get to go from one to the other making promises I cannot keep. I am high as a kite.
She wanted me to quit my job, but I said I couldn’t.Who cares what my wife wants? I sure don't.
I then started seeing OW at work in passing and more and more wanted to contact OW. I wanted the affections of 2 women to continue. It's nice. I like it.
My W really wanted me to quit my job and I started to purposely distance myself from my W.I mean, really, why should my wife be rewarded for her fidelity, her loyalty, her forgiveness, her care, her concern, her willingness to take me back after the most hurtful betrayal imaginable? It's better for me to hurt her more by DISTANCING myself and twisting the knife.
At this point, my W started reading from this website and she wanted me to go with plan A, but I jumped on the plan B alternative, saying I still needed time to think.But, that was a lie, because I clearly am not thinking, only getting high.
Meanwhile, the OW and I started contacting each other via email at work.I was rolling in cake, covered in frosting, gluttony and lust and coveting another man's wife. It was wonderful!
Weirdly, once my W and I decided that I should move out, we started cuddling with each other at night and I felt oddly close to her and like I wanted to show her my love for her.I was rolling in cake, covered in frosting, gluttony and lust and happily and joyfully deceiving my good wife once more. It was wonderful!
But, I was also contacting OW and telling her that I needed to end my M if I ever was going to be with her.C A K E C A K E C A K E - everywhere I see cake and I dive in face first!
However, OW and I were also sending sexual emails back and forth and it was exciting, but I also felt terrible for doing it. In fact, I felt so terrible I continued to do it! Go figure!
The whole time, my W was reading my emails.Do I mention how this must have made her feel? No, I do not, because it never occurred to me to consider my wife's feelings. CAKE CAKE CAKE
After I moved out and was living in our old house (during the time we were trying to reconcile, we moved into another place and once we decided on Plan B, I stopped moving my stuff – clothes mainly – and stayed in the old house we were renting), I sent a reply email to the OW about celebrating her birthday and how I loved her and mentioned something sexual. Oops - this time I forgot to mention how "terrible" I felt doing this .... uh-huh!
My W read this email and called me over to her new place. She was furious and told me that she wanted a Divorce. I couldn’t say anything. She was right. I had lied and cheated and I was a terrible husband and I kept hurting her and I couldn’t quit my job and re-devote myself to her. So, the next day at school I was served D papers. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa Mommie - where did my cake go?
In a way, I was secretly hoping that she would divorce me because I was not man enough to do it. In fact, I TOLD her I wanted a divorce - remember? And I wanted my wife to do things for me as I was still stomping all over her heart .... YOU do the divorce dear, I'm busy boinking another man's wife. You don't mind, do you?
That was two weeks ago. I have been in contact with the OW and we have had dinner and been intimate a couple times.Notice I never mention her HUSBAND, or his broken heart? I am really a good person though - you haven't walked in my shoes - you don't know what it's like - don't judge me - .... What was I talking about? .... Oh, yes, her husband .... Now let's talk about me some more .....
I can’t decide if my wife was right – am I addicted to the OW?Am I a good man? Am I a good person? Please don't let my vile behavior and callousness lessen your opinion of me.
Now, the OW is worried I am pulling away from her, because I have been.This is not adultery in OW's mind - so the fact that I am pulling away from a married woman feels like a betrayal to OW - another man's wife.
I have been so sad the past week. I cry (full-on sobs, fall to the ground in pain crying) two to three times a day. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance
I keep picturing everything that has happened and it feels me with the most terrible pain. MY PAIN MY HURT MY TEARS MY CONFUSION MY FEELINGS
I love my W so much and for some reason, I did all this horrible stuff to her.I love my wife so much that for some reason I don't mention *ONCE* her emotional well being or her pain. Oh well ....
Our M, pre-A was good.No thanks to me.
I kept everything bottled up though so she had no idea what was going on with me and she is still reeling from me leaving her for OW.Shucks! I slipped and mentioned my wife's feelings .... I better not make this a habit. Now , back to me and my feelings .... sorry for the slight detour!
I am at the point where I am contemplating quitting my job and begging for my W to take me back.I want my betrayed wife to guarantee she will take me back BEFORE I end things with OW or take any steps to change jobs.
I get very sad when I think about it though because of how hard and uncomfortable it will be. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance
I also think about how everyone tells me to leave my W alone and that we both need to move on.But really, the best solution FOR ME is to keep both women thinking I am just about to decide to spend the rest of my life with her .... :crosseyedcrazy:
I worry that I would quit my job and go back to my W and she would not take me back.Why should my wife have a choice here? Has she no consideration for MY feelings?
Or, our M would be too damaged to repair.Or, it would require me to do some difficult things I don't feel like doing and things that make me have to consider the feelings of others.
I worry about her family and friends hating me forever and having to be around them.I do have my reputation and my feelings to consider, yanno?
I worry about quitting my job and disappointing my students and the other teachers that would have to pick up my slack.Because even though my personal life has been a complete disaster - none of this has hampered my ability to concentrate on my students - no, really - I am an extraordinary teacher - really, I am.
I also worry about quitting my job during a recession. Too bad I did not think about this before I dipped my pen into the work inkwell.
At times I think I should not go back to my W and beg for forgiveness unless I am 100% sure that I do not love the OW.Does this make sense? I need 100% clarity that I do not love another man's wife BEFORE I ask forgiveness from MY OWN wife. I am an extraordinary teacher - did I mention that?
Sometimes, I feel like I really love the OW and I am afraid that I will ruin a future life with her if I stop contacting her.If I stop contacting OW (another man's wife) I might miss out on some tasty cake. And with my sweet tooth, well, I deserve it.
Am I just grieving the end of my marriage and that is why I am entertaining the idea of quitting my job to return to my wife? See, I am grieving for myself - and no one else.
I go to therapy twice a week (for the past month and a half) and I see no improvement. Do you think I should stop lying to the therapist?
I am still scared and pathetic, sad and confused. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance
I am so mad at myself for everything I have done to my W.So mad in fact that I just sent a sexy text to OW (another man's wife).
I worry about her all the time and I feel like I want to keep her from anymore pain and go back to her.I worry she and OW will both recognize how pathetic I am and both throw me into the ditch at the same time. I must move carefully here - if I want my cake to remain within reach.
But, what if I cause more pain? What if I can't stop contacting the other man's wife?
What if she needs me to go away and not bother her so she can get stronger? I'll throw her a bone - say what she wants to hear - and then when she's not looking - sneak around some more.
She did file for D, so I don’t even know if she would take me back even if I quit my job, and then I could be without a job and without a home, without a wife.I deserve a job, a home, a wife .... and an OW (another man's wife).
I know that had I not met the OW, we would be happy still and I would still be bottling things up and not talking to her about my EN’s, but she would not be hurt, and I would not hate myself like I do now.We were happy with me bottling things up, my lack of communication skills worked for us. What if my EN is having 2 women both wanting me? I think I hate myself because I can't have it all - I can't make a choice - I don't want to give up anything ....
What do I do?Should I call OW's husband and apologize? WHAT? I don't even register him as a human being - why should I care about HIM? That's just silly
How do I get past what I have done? And by "get past" , I mean pay no consequences.