Markos, did I ever post that Rocks in a River quote to you? I'm kind of defeated today, myself, temporarily not feeling good for much, LOL, so it helped me to think of this and pull it up for you.

(((Hugs))) Better days are ahead, friend! Don't quit the day before the miracle! This is how you prove your hard-earned changes, don't go slipping on me now!

Does this help?

Markos, here's a song that helps me when I'm ready to put away old behavior. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K

Edited to add: Markos, until last night when I looked it up, I always heard this on the radio, and I heard it as Who I Am Meets Who I've Been. I'm thinking the word hates detracts from an otherwise fun song.

So, how'd you do? Did you make it through the evening in a kind, gentle, fun, light way, instead of the AO? Maybe we can help you put together a stronger plan for next time.

Here's some more favorites to help me stop getting consumed by temporary circumstances, and especially to be patient with myself as I practice new behavior. I'm not alone Markos, I'm part of something bigger than me, and so are you. I'm praying for you and your family, for comfort and peace.

Only Grace by Matthew West

Made to Love by Toby Mac The video is pretty poor, but I love the extra call and response at the end

What's your favorite music to listen to to reset? What do you and the kids like to sing to?

Guess what: I keep hearing these tapes play in my mind. Only they never play long:

"She never --" Oh, wait, yes she does.

"This just doesn't work --" Oh, wait, yes it does.

"I keep trying, and trying, and trying, and never --" Oh, wait, yes I do.

Looks like I just have an old set of tapes that don't square away with reality.

I think I'll upgrade to a new edition of CDs or something.

That is EXCELLENT Markos - you're retraining yourself... it takes a while but it's happening.

You just keep working on your side of the street.

Wow, New, that is great. I appreciate it.

The Love Bank model works, and if I'll just hang in there and keep applying it, I'll make it.

It's easy to look at someone else and tell them how to handle it when someone in their marriage is hovering around the romantic love threshold in their love bank balances; it's hard to look at yourself and remind yourself how to act then. But it's getting easier.

It's also just incredibly painful to be in intimacy and excitement and anticipation about the evening ahead only to come home and watch it disappear right before your eyes, with nothing you can do to stop it, bringing you right back into conflict and withdrawal. Bouncing back and forth across that threshold hurts.

Somewhat, but probably not as well as I would have liked. I will do better tonight.

Let me clarify:

Immediately after my post, I stormed out of the office, planning to call my wife and have an angry outburst.

I had to take the elevator with a couple of other people, and that calmed me down a minute since I didn't have privacy to stew in.

I got in the car and called my wife. She didn't answer. I begged and pleaded with her on the answering machine.

And I kept calling.

Finally she answered and said I was scaring the children.

Then I did get demanding and angry and judgmental.

I wrote the above "somewhat" line thinking only about what I did that night after I got home, and not thinking at all about what I did on the way home.

So there's the truth, and it looks different from the way my mind was painting it to me.

The answer is no, I did not get through the evening in a kind way instead of the angry outburst.

Markos,

I don't get it.

Why is AO still an issue with you?

Chris, I've been thinking about your question (for about three hours, apparently), and I really can't come up with an answer that doesn't appear to be me justifying myself. So I don't think any of those are it.

Maybe you can help me answer that. I know Prisca would be very grateful if you did.

Well, I don't know you very well Markos so please don't take this the wrong way.

I'll start with a simple set of questions: Here's the 1st one...

Q: Do you view females as being less intelligent that males?

I don't think y'all will like my answer, but I think the beginning and ending of why you do it is because you know you can get away with it. Once you or Prisca out some EPs - extraordinary precautions in place, it'll be a thing of the past. Do you have a mentor at church you can confess to? I think you'll be amazed how quickly the temptation drops away when you know you'll be accountable to someone in the outside world with it. If your issue was anger or something, you'd get in trouble at work with it. THe fact that it's only with your financially dependent wife points to entitlement.

This was a lie.

You had absolutely no intention of "doing better" tonight.

In fact, you said that after posting, you immediately left the office with the intention of calling your wife and going off on her.

I am ashamed for you, Markos.

There is no "figuring out" why you rage at your wife and treat her disrespectfully. You do it because you feel entitled to, because it "feels good" in the moment. You do it because you care more about having a release than about protecting your wife.

Man up, Markos. And quit hurting your wife.

Period. No excuses.

My next 3 questions have been added: Please only answer "yes" or "no."

Q: Do you view females as being less intelligent that males?

Q: Do you view females as being less logical then males?

Q: Do you think that wives should act or respond in certain ways to their husbands?

Q: Do you think that providing for a woman (financially) comes with certain perquisites?

PS. And if you CAN'T control yourself, and learn to manage your feelings without abusing your wife, then you need serious help.

People here (myself included) are willing to give you ideas--books, techniques, etc.

But if you are going to outright lie--telling us how you are going to do better, all the while fully intending to blast your wife--then I don't know that I want to waste my time trying to help you.

SH told us that AOs (like any LB) are HABITS. You have to *want* to break a habit. A habit is an ingrained piece of behavior that's easy to fall back on....easier than learning new behaviors.

If Markos is still AOing, then he just hasn't taken the time nor initiative to learn new behaviors.

I identify with Prisca. When I become a WAW, this will be a primary reason.

....and you WONDER why Prisca seems to keep 'setting you back'?

She isn't setting you back - you are.

You are still not safe for her to be around and until you are she will continue to protect herself (rightly so). You are keeping yourself from the Intimacy you want.

You need to OWN your abusive behavior. You need to REALIZE how your abuse of your wife is hurting her. And yes, it is ABUSE! I don't have my Love Busters Book with me, but Ch. 2 Harley clearly states that his definition of abuse is intentionally, and repeatedly doing things that cause your spouse harm. You went out to the hallway KNOWING what you were going to do to her. KNOWING that you were not in the state of mind to have a caring, productive conversation, but you barreled right into it- allowing your children to witness the abuse on top of it all.

When God provided a method to help you calm down (the other people in the elevator) you ignored it and went right on with your plan to abuse your wife.

You need to set some EPs, my friend, regarding your behavior and how you will interact with your wife. What YOU will do to protect her from YOURSELF.

You made a commitment to love, and cherish your wife. You failed miserably the other day. What are you going to do to ensure it NEVER happens again?

Well, I like your answer and I like it because it was short & 100% true.


Markos & Prisca are planning to attend the MB Seminar this month. This issue will likely be brought to the attention of their Coach via the forms Prisca completes or if Prisca blatantly tells the Coach. The Coach will then recommend that Markos complete some training that the Harley's have for Anger or that he seek outside help with Anger Management.

That is exactly what happened when the issue came out during our chat with our Coach recently. The Coach asked directly if this was still a problem based on what she saw on my forms. My H started out with "the incident in year XXXX" I replied that it isn't a problem to the degree that it was in the past; however, I want the anger gone. Later it occurred to me that my H views "The Problem" as beginning in year XXXX, but for me the problem was even before we got married. He was AOing me BACK THEN. Year XXXX only has great significance for him because that's the year I put a boundary up.

My issue with my H is that he behaves quite well up until he gets angry. It's OK to get angry or frustrated; however, behaving like a wildebeest is not OK.

People who AO, do it because THEY CAN and because it gets the results they think they want.


Yep.

YES. I am prepared to walk away if my H isn't able to overcome AO.

I do not want any more anger in my life or my son's life.

ETA: Please don't take me the wrong way - my H is really trying and I believe that in the coming weeks he will come to fully understand just what AO does to me and how it affects our relationship. At this point I feel that he only knows it's wrong and doesn't realize the magnitude of the damaging effects of AO. (I don't say that as a DJ, but because AO was covered in the Seminar, but not as extensively as the Lesson will cover it.)