Well, we went to the assistend living faciity today and she objected - no cats allowed and small studio.
My son and I drove home a little earlier and just shook our heads.

This thing has to end soon, because if she does demonstrate that she is really totally opposed to everything as far as a new place, per her counselor, he is not going to endorse her. That'd be bad.

I am now really in need of opinions and advice. I realize that this is not a typical situation, but I feel now I need to go in a Pan B with her. That is, not contact and no support (aside from basic living), calls, communication, etc.

I do so need some advice now so. I feel I need to go into a Pan B. Not for her affair, which is done, but to Get her to realize that thre are not many options.

This I will admit is wearing on me.

This afternoon while we were driving home my son even suggested to me to take some vacation and take a trip somewhere even maybe to visit my daughter in seattle.

Will not update on this until I myself get a better grip.

Thanks,

Tom

Hey Tom, I am sorry you are having problems. Is it a reasonable expectation for her to take a CAT to an assisted living home? I didn't know that was possible.

About Plan B, isn't she very dependent on you? Can you bring me up to date about why she needs to go to an assisted living home?

My father was very difficult before he passed on a few years ago, but he was terminally ill. He refused to go into a nursing home and ran off the nurses we hired with his pistol. He was a real handful so I can sympathize with your dilemma.

Sorry you are having such a hard time, friend.

Hi Melody,

I still haven't found how to copy a response and just post answers here - I do that at work all the time with emails - but whatever.

The cats, a few of the places accept pets - small dogs and cats. And that is somewhat reasonable for her, except for the answer to your other question of why she needs assisted.

Melody, yes she is dependent on me and our kids. She's My wife. I love her very much and that won't end until the day I die. There will never be any other partner for me except Char. I still feel she loves me... she has told me so so many times over the last couple of months. I cannot envision having any other partner! That being said Melody, she has conditions such as, short-term memory loss (i.e., not recalling when I am going to pick her up, or sometimes her exact age), judgemental or cognitive dissasociations (calling the closet a refrigerator), and poor or risky judgement assiciated with her manic depression. I have talked with her counselor many times the last couple of months as well as her dr. and this is what they have said and I have seen. Her bad judgement leads her to some risky situations, like trying to walk away from the facility when she doesn't feel in the mood to take her medication and the affair. These things sometimes just cause me to honestly throw up my hands at times and want to go to like a 'B' or just get a break.

Melody for all of these reasons the assisted living is the best choice. Her counselor and dr. agree. And my son, daughter and all of the rest of the family agree. The only one who doesn't is my DW. The bottom line is that she does not need skilled nursing care, but total independent living is not appropriate. The other factor is that she did cause a fire, which so fortunately was very limited, could have been much more tragic, and that is a very real and limiting factor.

Melody, my dad died back in 1986 after suffering from Alheimerzer's for a long time. My mom cared for him all the way. He was sometimes abusive and insulting in his last year. I honestly think he was just so frustrated that that prompted him to do that.

Thank you Melody,

and by way simply happy Mothers' Day.

Tom

{hugs} Tom

Tom, thanks for the Mother Day wishes. I hope you find a place that suits your wife soon.

Very distressing news tonight. I called my wife when I got home from work and found that she was slapped in the face this afternoon by one of the other residents. In talking to her and getting info from her this seems unprovoked. She complained to one of the counslors on duty. That person yelled at her because my wife yelled at tho woman who slapped her. The counselor stated to my wife that she needs to calm down because the woman has mental health issues.

My wife complained later that she was feeling dizzy and was taken to the emergency room at the local hospital. She was released around 5pm and brought back to the nursing home. Apparently from what she told me the ER dr. told her that she had sustained some shock symptom and nothing more serious.

The nursing home did not allow her to call me or our kids because they wanted to make sure she was okay. She does have a cell phone, but is is discharged and she couldn't quite remember how to charge it.

I've talked to her now and so has my son and daughter.

This is the third time now where she has been struck, and we felt confident that they, the attendants, could control this type of thing after the last time.

I went on the Elder Abuse site for Il, the National and Il Registry of Nursing homes, and the IL State Attorney Gen. sites. Found on the registry site that this place has outstanding citations from back in 2009 still not resloved.

I talked to the counselor on duty tonight and told him that they need to take any and all precautions to protect her and to ensure that this does Not happen again at All. He will introduce this at their staff meeting tomorrow morning and the admin. will get back to me.

IN meantime, lost of work to resolve this. Am going to contact an attorney specializing in elder abuse, file a complaint with the state attorney general's office, and file a complaint with the Elder Abuse agency, as well as with the corp. headquarters of the facility.

My son and I realize that this might delay her placement in a better facility, but so be it. She will be removed from this place. She is dependent on referral from this facility from her counselors, and these actions may affect that. I also contacted the local police where this facility is located and the detective told me she will have to call them if this happens again and they will respond. I told the nursing facility that a police alert of report has been filed.

I just can't believe this. So, will have to devote much time for awhile in getting this resolved, and I am going to follow thru with formal complaints.

Thanks,

Tom

Well,

Just feel bad now during this holiday weekend.

The IL Dept of Aging investigated my W's situation. I met with the ombudsman last Wed. and found that although they believe there may have been abuse, they will need to talk with her psychiatrist, counselor, and the administrator. Like any government agency - slow moving. I have an appt. with an attorney next week who specializes in elder situations. I talked with him initially and he advised me to talk to the admin. there or have some independent party investigate and then contact him, which I did. The problem is this is very hard to establish and prove unless someone is actually neglected, injured, or even killed. These nursing homes just have a bastion of defenses in place, and I think some of them have to just to stay in business.

What his has done tho, my action in calling for someone to investigate her situation, is that she has turned against me and I honestly do not know why. We have not communicated now for about two weeks at all. It's the same reaction I and my family got when she first went there last summer. Part of the problem I now have is that the family is turned off by her not trying to defend herself, or letting others who love her help her - her brother and SIL, and our kids. They're discouraged, and I feel alone now.

Well, I am happy that is the weekend in a way. I distract myself with work and now my garden. I am now thinking that I want to fully retire and just do volunteer work. That's because when I go to work now am just not into it.

Yesterday had a follow-up call from a census taker. It was probably due to their random effort of verifying the forms sent in. I had to verify single household and since then I feel really bad. This is the first time I've had to do that. It's always been a household with two or more people.

When I went out shopping today and saw couples together that tore at me. We have had so many Memorial Day weekends and other holidays together that I spent alot of today reflecting on it. Man o man the grilling and picnics, drive in movies and like me trying to assemble a swing set for the kids or just wanting to be together. I know I am melonchaly (sp) now today, and I am giving me that time at last for another hour. I am missing her. Miss her waking up in middle of night and seeing me also woken and yelling at me when I am eating ice cream and watching a moive at 2 am 'tom don't eat all the ice cream' or nudging me if I am snoring. Especially miss her telling me if i am falling asleep fast nudging and asking me if I am not going to say goodnite. She always has said that I have a gift in being able to sleep thru anything, and I miss that too. I sleep alone now.

Man for those of you who have any chance of recovery, and I believe most of you do, please do not delay or hold back on your efforts.

Thanks,

Tom

Tom, Reading your stuff breaks my heart. I get mental illness. I wish I didn't.

Tom, have you ever done a NAMI "Family to Family" group? I haven't, but I have heard nothing but raves from others.

nami.org

[quote=]When I went out shopping today and saw couples together that tore at me. We have had so many Memorial Day weekends and other holidays together that I spent alot of today reflecting on it. Man o man the grilling and picnics, drive in movies and like me trying to assemble a swing set for the kids or just wanting to be together. I know I am melonchaly (sp) now today, and I am giving me that time at last for another hour. [/quote]

Tom, I am so sorry you are missing C this weekend. I know it must be so hard for you to be a single man after all these years of living with your wife.

My sister is the CFO of a chain of nursing homes, so if you want me to ask her anything, let me know. I have called her about situations on this board before and she was always glad to help.

Enjoy your garden this weekend, friend.

Tom, I am not clear on what you meant over on BT's thread, but I hope you are not saying you are having an affair. Are you?



What do you mean?

I think he's saying he's a waytard.

But Jesus supports him so he's got that going for him.


W

Tom...

Please read this scripture:

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

James 1:13-15

Mrs. W

Ms W,

I can understand your reactions, but a pretty snide comment regarding "think he thinks he is a wayward". Pretty cute.

Does not work with me.

Ya okay ...Tanya...she is a neighbor here and we have talked, and ya who would not want to consider friendship and even possibly more with an attractive woman. She is Russian and I have a hard time understanding her. She made me feel needed for a moment and that was last week but I am not so damnd dumb as to sacrafice my well being and my self respect to engage at all. Last time I saw her was that I told her I was working on getting C home this week and she just told me I like you and hop e it works out, and that was that. She obviously knows I am so much hurting for my wife.

The only things I have on my mind now are that I want to get C out of this ridiculous notion that I was not trying to LB her in filing the abuse complaint. I am going to have her home tomorrow so we will see.

Was I tempted MsW. Yes! I am not tempted now. Do you know the silly reason why. I would not respect myself or my honor if I did. Do I feel depressed sad and worried. Yya. I mean of course. Have I seen Tanya in last few days. No. If I do I will parade Char out with me holding her arm. So yea, guys get lonely and tempted and they maybe even follow up some, but do men have a consience and sense of honor for their marriage vows and Wives...so goddamn right they do.

Thank you for your scriptural ref., but I really don't relate to 'epistles'. I relate best to the gospels..just my bent from being in the seminary and my faith bent. My favorite.."Consider the lillys of the field, they neither toil nor spin, but not even Solomon in all his array was clothed as one of these". This just from memory, but is means that Christ was telling us that each person is valuable no matter what they have done.

Some people here tend to get harsh with offhanded initial comments and posts. I spent three years back in early 80's as a crisis intervention counselor. The training was two semesters at the College of Lake County in intervention and psychology. It helped me a helluva lot in dealing with Char's condition over the next several years. I was a senior counselor for a year and had the overnight shift which I handled from home with call waiting facility. One time I had to use the call waiting to get help for someone who seemed to me sucidal. The girl called the line back a few days later and thanked my supervior. In my time in that function I never once felt I wanted to be patronizing or judgemental. I sometimes feel that some of the so called vets (Melody and yourself excluded) are here.

Thanks,

Tom

Hope all goes well with Char when you have her home with you.....the road is tough right now but it will all be worth it in the end for you and Char.....
Hang in there, you seem so strong and committed to her, she is a lucky woman....
Can't wait to see the guy that wants to dance again......that day will happen for you...have faith and be a believer in all that is good in this world....
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.....
Peace for you and your family......

I don't have time to read and respond to your whole post this morning Tom, but I wanted to point out that I made only the ONE post of scripture to your thread. My husband, Mr. W, posted before me.

I'll be back later.

Mrs. W

Wait, wait, wait....Tom...You have not been judgemental, really? I think you need to rethink that ...


Unless you just mean at your old job, but on this forum? That is not true.

Tom...

I understand that you believe that your honor and commitment to your wife and your vows will protect you from becoming wayward, but the truth is, if you continue to place yourself in temptation's way, you will be tempted [I know you've admitted that], but what you aren't seeing is that eventually your will power would fail you and you would succumb to that temptation. The only thing that will protect you is taking EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS not to allow Tanya or any other member of the opposite sex to meet any of your emotional needs.

Tanya MUST remain off limits to you. You have admitted that you are tempted by her and attracted to her. Take the necessary steps to protect yourself, your wife and your marriage by not being anywhere near her, okay?

You are a recovering alcoholic - I am sure that you don't go hang out in bars every day - That is but one extraordinary precaution you take to ensure you don't drink, right? Use the same mindset regarding your marriage...

Mrs. W

Clearly, Mel and I have some work to do then - we must be slippin'!!!

Tom, you have been clear that you are a Christian...So am I...As fellow Christians it is our job to keep each other accountable - many times that requires us to make judgments about one another. Be glad that you have friends here willing to call you out if they see you making poor decisions - that is a GOOD thing! No true friend would stand back and say, "I won't judge Tom if he is doing wrong"...See?

One final thing - calling others "judgmental" is in and of itself a judgment, right?

Mrs. W

A married man who wants to be faithful to his vows, wouldn't.

I don't.

The only attractive woman I want to consider friendship and even possibly more with is my wife.

If you think that kind of thinking is normal for all men, then you are already "thinking wayward." You have a gigantic hole in your armor.

I am sure my WH before his affair became physical would tell ya that his beautiful coworker was just a good friend...someone to tell his problems too and she hers.....Then you start slowly isolating your W without even realizing it....Then you start talking to her more and more...Then you start to have those little love pangs for OW....Then BAM!!!!!

You need to read the anatomy of an affair thread, I think that is what it was called...its very eye opening.