Hello! I hope you/someone can help me! Let me get some facts out: I've been married 13 years to a man who was an only child and in my opinion a monster created by his parents. lol He has been physically abusive our entire marriage, not daily or weekly but he would snap every 4 months or so, hitting me; but always throwing something or cursing at me. He has always been controlling. He is cranky and throws fits when he doesn't get his way. He is 34, I am 39. The word divorce was not a part of my vocabularly. I am religious and felt I required scriptural grounds for a divorce. I should have left years ago for the physical abuse but kept enduring, thinking he would "grow up" one day and be more like his father who is calm and gentle. Didn't happen. He got worse. I was never aggressive, never yelled back or hit him back. I kept trying to set a good example. I accidently got pregnant in our 5th year of marriage, so life was happier for me. Loved being a mother, I was away from him more. I thought I could keep enduring. We planned the second child. Then a 3rd. So three children, ages 9/7/5. Girl, boy, boy. I guess the stress of being a mother of 3, I could not endure his personality any longer and told him so. Told him we needed to seek help. He refused. Finally, after a period time of my pleading to seek help, he confessed that he also had sexual addictions. Visiting strip clubs (lap dances) our entire marriage, phone sex, pornography, meeting prostitutes at motels for massages and hand jobs. Never sexual intercourse. I believe this is true. So now I have grounds for divorce (this came to light two years ago). I was so happy to be FREEEEEEE!~ But then reality hit me regarding my sweet babies. I had been the one to daily care for them, and that I DO! I frequently receive compliments on being such a good mother. (Smile) I could not fathom not being with them DAILY. I just could not. Since he was begging to not divorce, to let him work on his faults, then I decided to give it some time to see if something made me feel differently. By the way, his sexual problems did not even hurt me b/c he had killed my love years ago. I have yet to feel any pain over his sexual problems. The physical abuse done me in years ago. I could not love him or find it in myself to forgive him, so we divorced six months ago. Here comes the shocker! lol A month and a half ago, I discovered he was dating one of my friends (a close friend until recently, as we have drifted apart after I had 3 children, she could not handle that stress. lol So we drifted apart) When I found out, I panicked!!!!!! I could not fathom this woman being my children�s step-mother!!!!! I talked to him about it and he asked me to give him another chance, that he was a different man, that he�d been working on himself. I said for us to take it slow and start doing things as a family. He said no, he could not handle the worry of wondering what would happen. He had waited on me for the past two years to forgive him. I panicked, knowing my ex-friend would sink her claws into him (he has money and she wants that lifestyle). So we renewed our marriage vows. HOW THIINGS ARE TODAY: I do not feel attracted to him and I am leery of him. I cannot bring myself to kiss him or have sex with him. I feel as if I am being raped when near him. So I told him to refrain from approaching me until I receive some type of counseling. He has not hit me. He still seems to have a bad temper, he still throws fits. And he is angry at me for remarrying him but still holding emotional baggage. He says I should not have married him if I was not healed. I agree but I was willing to do anything to keep my children free of problems that I strongly foresaw. Okay, help please. Hold no fury back! lol I can take any and all advice or scolding! I just need some help! Thank you. (*.~) (This was longer than I intended, but hey, that�s 13 years in a nutshell!!! lol)

So, you basically remarried him to keep him away from your friend?

If you're really wanting help, start by educating yourself on how to have a good marriage. Frankly, I don't see much hope for this marriage because of all the baggage. How sad for your children. What do you think you're teaching them about marriage?

Yes,it was one of two reasons. The second reason was that I really missed being a family!

Yes, it's soooooo sad for my children! How can I keep them healthy and happy despite what happens? I really want that!

What, in your opinion, do you think I am teaching them about marriage???????? Tell me please. I want to know what you think. Thanks for writing.

That's inspiring that you choose the name luvinlife after everything that happened. It sounds like you are focused on the blessings in the present, like 3 healthy kids, not dragging you past with you. The MB concepts are really specific after infidelity, so that you can

1. find forgiveness
2. prevent it happening again

Hopefully the new patterns would help you establish long term physical safety and stop they angry outbursts (AOs) My concern is that your kids are in a bad situation in the meantime, while your H is still throwing fits. How about reading the articles here on the site on abuse and infidelity? There is a specific When to Call It Quits newsletter about this and a path out from those patterns.

I am not going to try to rush you into leaving again, because I remember how traumatic it was growing us in domestic violence, the getting to escape, only to have our mom bring us back. It's horrific for kids to watch their moms getting abused, worse than getting beatings themselves. To have to go home to that everyday, not knowing when the next fit is coming, how long it will last, who will get hurt. I hope to help you get the information you need to make lasting decisions on your own. I ask you, in the meanwhile, watch their faces, when his next outburst comes.

To make sure you are doing what you do in a way that keeps yourself and your kids safe, please call 1-800-799-SAFE Domestic Violence Hotline. They can put you in touch with local resources and support.

I think your instincts are telling you there is something very wrong with this relationship and they are RIGHT. You are endangering your children and yourself and teaching them that it is ok to be abused. There is absolutely no good reason to be with this man. I would ask him to leave and cut off all contact with him. HE is dangerous to you and your children. It is up to you to be responsible for your children.

I will read those suggested articles.

I will look at my kids faces when he next acts like a child. He has not hit me in months. (I feel b/c I know how to prevent it. I cannot retaliate or show any level of anger or he feeds off of that. Which means many times I cannot express myself which confuses him b/c he wonders why I am remaining silent or not giving a "good enough" reply. lol)

He does not want the divorce. Of course not, I have been a good wife, mother, cook, housekeeper, mild tempered. He says he will get counseling. I feel so guilty b/c I don't want to hold on any longer. I experienced life without him and I liked it. I liked my freedom. But if counseling WOULD help him, then I feel compelled to wait it out. I dread this. But IF IT WILL MAKE MY KIDS HEALTHIER MENTALLY AND MAKE THEM STRONGER, THEN I WILL DO IT.

NOTE: IF I KNEW THEY WOULD BE HEALTHY AND STRONG MENTALLY WITH A DIVORCE, THEN I WOULD PREFER TO DO THAT!!!!! I FEEL SELFISH THO AND DO NOT WANT TO DENY THEM THE MOST HAPPINESS IN LIFE.


I just feel like it's so hopeless and yet divorcing will not end my ties/dealings with him, and so I feel I can prevent much of his BAD EXAMPLE AND INFLUENCE IN THE CHILDREN'S PRESENCE WHEN I AM PRESENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can prevent some of the manipulation, the controllingness, the fits when he doesn't get his way. I can talk to them in private and help them see his error. I cannot do this if I do not live with him and them!

I am listening, everyone please keep talking!

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but he does not hit me now. While our relationship is in limbo, it's almost as if he lives on "performance", trying to do good as he should (of course if I fueled anything, it would happen) but while we are in limbo, he is not physically abusive. Were we to go back into NORMAL LIFE, then I feel he would return to his normal self. I appreciate the instruction to seek protection, but it's not really necessary at this time. So no worries there.

Yes, I have instincts telling me to leave. I also have instincts telling me to WAIT/ let him get counseling. Yet dread doing that so much!

He says I should fulfill his sexual needs beginning now, b/c he asks me how long would counseling take? He does not want to wait until I feel loved and not as if I am being violated. You have to love someone to let them make love to you. (Or I do) The fact that he seems to be only concerned about his sexual gratification causes me to retreat. He says I should be loving and concerned for his sexual needs and that by refraining, I do not take steps to fix things. I stay confused a lot b/c of his reasoning being different than mine. lol Boy are we complicated creatures! Whoosh! lol

Anyways, thank you for your input and for taking time to write me! (*.*)

You want truth? Truth is harsh.

Watch this video

Call the 1-800 number you were given above and get the heck out of that marriage!

You want to teach your kids that this is the way to live? Your beautiful daughter to grow up some day and allow some man to hit HER? Your sons to grow up knowing it's OK to HIT women, their wives, girlfriends, those they claim to LOVE?

YOU CAN BREAK THIS CYCLE!

Why wait for him to hit you again? Why give this view of living to your children? IT IS NOT OK!

Abuse in any way is wrong. WRONG. You need to not worry about your husband now, you need to get YOU and YOUR CHILDREN into counseling.

This is your future, these are your children.

Yes, truth is harsh. All those lol's in your posts? That's fear. GET OUT NOW.

You are concerned about your children and what is best for them.

Let me tell you what to expect if you stay. I stayed for 25 years with a man who was "merely" emotionally and verbally abusive. He never hit me. He hit the kids a couple of times. He drove drunk and drove erratically and scared me and and the children many times.

I wish I had left him years ago. The children have deep, deep emotional pain. My two oldest daughters have said that they will never marry or have children because marriage is so horrible. Their self-esteem is in tatters. My 3rd daughter is in a three-way relationship with another woman and a man. My boys don't know what it means to be a man. All they know for sure is that they don't want to be like him.

Is this what you want for your children? If it sounds good to you, then stay with him.

If you want what's BEST for your children, then document the abuse and get out. Then get supervised visitation for the children.

Your children ARE being abused.

You are enabling it if you stay.

Luvinlife, he's telling you to act based on his thoughts, not yours. That's not love and respect. You can learn to trust your own judgment, and talk with a partner about what you would need in order to be enthusiastic, when you are in a safe relationship.

Please read this, I think you will find it respectful, and familiar, very similar to your post above. 7 Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships Better days are ahead, for you and your family.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! If he really wants to change and does not hit me again, I just don't know how I can find it in myself to love him again after that many years. I want to be done yet I want my children to have a normal family unit if he can change.

luvinlife, if you really want your children to have a normal family unit, WHY do you feel that has to include someone who you don't think you can love again, and who has hit you in the past and most likely will hit you in the future.

You are putting your children at risk. You need to get out of that denial stage that these children are not being scarred by your marriage. They are.

I grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive home. I'm now almost 52 and only in the last year have I gotten past that abusive childhood to see today, where I allowed it continue into my two marriages. I can not tell you how badly I have been hurt over the years due to thinking that was a normal life as it was the only life I knew. Is that really what you want your children to learn? Really? That it's ok to treat your wife worse than a dog?

You keep talking about if HE can change. What about you? Why don't YOU change. Change from being someone who feels this is the best you can do in life, to someone who believes YOU are WORTHY of SO MUCH BETTER!

My big question is this: After 12 years of abuse, controlling disposition, sexual addictions... He now seems sincere that he has changed his mindset, that he truly wants to be a family, that he wants to prove to me that he loves me. How do I forgive????????????????????? When he kisses me, I feel repulsed. How can I change that???????????? I have a lot of anger and pain inside from the past. How does one LET a man prove themself and you are then able to love them IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT????!!!!!!

From a distance. If his changes are for real, not just a ploy to get you to stay, then he will understand why you want him out, he will leave, and you will see in his consistency in care and thoughtfulness towards the kids over time.

If the changes are real, he will respect that it takes time to earn your trust back through consistent care and thoughtfulness.

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