Hi, I am brand new here (wife) and wanted to post and introduce myself plus write a bit about why I'm here. I'm *very* open to suggestions or advice; and I should say that we are seeking professional help as well, via marriage counseling which I will instigate tomorrow morning.

Both of us are extremely motivated to work on these problems and resolve them, but we are at a standstill as far as working it out without help. Our relationship is the number one priority for both of us, and both agree that we will do anything it takes to fix this. (You'd think we'd be able to figure this out on our own but after over a year of trying... we can't. We need help).

Hubby and I met, fell in love, and married in 2004. We each had late teenaged kids - young adult kids from our prior relationships who for the most part did everything they could to try and break us up, but it didn't work, and now we enjoy adult relationships with most of them. Some of them still hold a grudge, but we're hopeful they too will come around. If they don't, that's ok too. He has 10 grandchildren, I have 1. We rarely see them.

Our plan was to retire early, and we've both been working hard at our professions (60+ hours a week) to make that happen. In retirement we'd like to travel, and invest in real estate until we are no longer able to do either. We are nearly a perfect match for each other, and very happy overall.

We've come up against a couple of problems that we just can't resolve, so I thought I'd post what's going on.

#1 problem is that I have a 21 year old son who surprised everyone with what we now know is a late-onset brand of OCD, with psychotic features. He was "normal" up until age 20 and then it hit and took him completely down. He has a genius IQ, was a football star in high school, one of the most popular kids, good looking, had offers to do some modeling, had a bright bright future which I thought would end up with him in medical school at Harvard or law school at Yale, and a successful happy life.

Out of all of our kids, he was the brightest star, so this is particularly difficult for me to take. He now can't function on his own and lives with us. He is on several medications that at best seem to mask his symptoms, and my biggest hope for him now is that he can some day work (maybe delivering newspapers or something) and live independently from us. I cry about this almost every day, when I look at him it breaks my heart. He remembers of course how he was in high school and is tortured over why this has happened to him. I'm not sure if I'm fully communicating the loss I feel, but I'm going to move on with the story.

So my DH is basically pissed that this one kid - my son - gets extra help and attention from us, whereas the others we basically helped them a little bit but then expected them to live their own lives independently. The fact that the others are functioning as normal humans doesn't seem to come into his line of reasoning. Also my son who lives with us never once tried to sabotage our relationship early on, whereas most of the other kids did.

The bottom line is he wants me to dislodge my disabled son from our home and just let the chips fall where they may. Too bad if he ends up homeless. Too bad if anything worse happens to him, like he commits suicide. And of course I can't and won't do that.

He asked me the other night if he demanded my son leave what would I do? And I told him I'd either take a 2nd job to pay for his apartment and living expenses or I'd move out with him until he could function on his own. So that angered DH quite a bit and he says I'm picking my son over my husband then.

I think that now he is realizing that this kid is just going to be living with us for a while, and that's it. Meanwhile, please remember that my heart is breaking every day I am alive over the loss of my son, or I guess the potential future for my son as he was before this mental illness took over his life.

I feel so disconnected from my husband, I just can't believe that he really wants to throw this kid to the wolves and kick him out. Needless to say, our relationship is suffering and we haven't had sex in... embarrassed to say I can't even remember when? Maybe a year ago. I'm consumed with worry and grief, and he is just wanting his wife back I'm sure.

When I said my relationship with my husband is my number 1 priority I meant it, but do I really want a relationship with someone who would throw a mentally disabled kid out onto the street? Um, no. I believe at this point that that's not really him... he's just frustrated and wants us back to where we were.

Maybe counseling will help us, however my experience is that most counselors are sort of clueless, so I'm doubting any good result will come out of it. I'll try anyway, just at a loss at this point.

Oh also, we have excellent medical insurance through DH's work, and he is refusing to add my son onto his insurance so that this can be resolved. I'm not exactly thrilled with him over that one. He's so pissed he's just refusing to add my son on, where he could get real help. Now I am relying on the local community clinic, and they help a little, not much. That's it, thanks for reading.

~K

Where is your son's father?

Also struggles with OCD - the Hoarding variety. He is about to have his parent's house (where he lives alone literally amongst his garbage for free) condemned, at which point he'll be homeless.

I can NOT send my son there.

Dr. Harley says that blended families have an abysmal rate of divorce--about 85%. Much of the problem is because couples in marriage with children who are not their own have a tough time following the POJA in matters surrounding the children. POJA is essential in creating a great marriage.

No sex for a year? Your H might be having a real problem with that, as SF is usually one of the top two needs of a H. He very well could be feeling resentful and neglected and therefore even less inclined to work with you regarding your son.

Did you and your H agree enthusiastically that your son move back in with you? If not, then that's a big problem. I know you feel compassion toward your son and wish your H did, too, but the truth is that most men have a hard time raising someone else's children.

Your son has come between you, and your H is no longer your top priority, by the action of bringing your son back into your home in spite of his wishes.

The solution is to brainstorm until you can together find a solution you can both be enthusiastic about.

Listen to these radio clips on blended families.
Radio clip on blended families
Segment #2

To add to this great posting I wanted to say that bereavement can come in many forms. For you it is the loss of your golden child and for DH it is the loss of his dream - of a peaceful retirement built with you alone. Life throws us curve balls. Respect his grief.

Have you examined other options? Have you investigated halfway houses for disabled adults where your son might be able to live? I can understand your desire to care for your son, but it sounds like you are doing so at the expense of your marriage.

Agree. Dr. Harley talks about how in blended families the marriage must come first. This is why blended families have such a high failure rate.

Listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harley telling a couple exactly that.
Radio clip on blended families with children
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Oh he does have a real problem with it. and I agree with you, however there are other reasons that the "no-sex" is happening, and he's far from fault-free. It's a separate issue, and frankly he's lucky I didn't leave him (he agrees with me on that). We are working on it.


No. I "cashed in" some negotiation points I had from a few years ago when we had to put up with various BS from his adult kids. This is probably the problem right here; thank you for pin-pointing it for me, but there's still nothing I can do to fix it.


That is correct, however I have no other good solution. I've researched for the past year, on where else my son can possibly go, and there's just nothing, mostly due to our income being higher than the limit the State or any agency will accept for helping with anything.

We can opt to pay for an apartment for him, and pay all his expenses, if my H just can't hang with this situation as it is. We've talked about that, and in the end decided to save our $1200 -$1500 a month and try to make it work this way instead.

I believe that our marriage is strong enough to survive this until my son can live independently. We've been through some ridiculously-tough times already that would have broken most couples up, yet we're still here. More importantly we're still in love and willing to do whatever we need to to make our relationship work.


Been brainstorming non stop for over a year, no other options are out there. Neither of us is enthusiastic about this by the way, it just is something we have to go through, similar to as if the main bread-winner spouse lost his or her job.

Huge stress, huge problem, but you get creative, suck it up, and work through it. Those unemployed folks are not very enthusiastic about their options either.

Thank you for your response, it actually did help.

Thank you to all who responded here, I think it's a good idea if hubby and I look into taking the courses and get coaching through this site instead of traditional marriage counseling. I like the theories and techniques I've seen so far.

I appreciate your comments, and links to the radio shows, etc.

Have you read POJA? Holding out on SF for a year to punish your H is not MB let alone POJA.
POJA

And "sucking it up" is definitely not Marriage Builders. I'm sorry for the stress you and your H are under, but this is a fantastic place to have a fantastic marriage. Welcome to the marriage builders family.

If you can afford it I would call the coaching center ASAP.
Coaching Center

This is a wonderful place to have a fantastic marriage. Stick around and learn the concepts. Basic Concepts

You said in your first post that your adult kids did the best they could to try and break you up. Why did they do that? Why were they so opposed to your union?

I wanted to recommend another article for you.
Caring for the Children means caring for each other

Not yet, but we plan to start the entire program on his next day off. Sounds like I should start there with POJA. I already have the emotional needs questionnaire printed and ready to go.


I wish it were as simple as me just deciding to "Hold out" on SF but at this point there are medical, hormonal, as well as the underlying emotional issues interfering with a quick fix.

And just for the record, I don't really agree with the concept that one spouse can betray the other, and then somehow magically it's the OTHER spouses fault for "Withholding" or "Holding Out" when intimacy is damaged. At any rate, hopefully something here (probably coaching) will help us to resolve this as well as the issues with my son. We are both wanting to fix the issues.


Maybe not, but things happen in life that you don't plan for, and don't count on, and sometimes life sucks. You can either stick with the relationship and deal, and find help like I'm doing, or just give it up and divorce. That's what I meant by "sucking it up"... dealing with bad circumstances and staying in the marriage. It might not be marriage builders, per se; but unfortunately it *is* life.


Thanks!

I would either do the coaching or the online program (where your given a coach to guide you).

There are so many wonderful items on the website and they are all free.

Start with some reading until you decide which way you want to go.

Glad you and your H want to work on your M. One more question. Why did your children try and keep you and your H apart?

Pay close attention to POJA and PORH and UA. Dr. Harley says if you're doing these things you're on your way.
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Because of money and control issues.

They were all in their teens/ early 20s and were counting on being able to continue an agenda of manipulating 'single dad' and 'single mom.'

He and I both work very hard and are successful, whereas both of our ex-spouses when we were married were quite lazy, habitual adulterers, and drug users. The kids (his as well as mine) were used to us feeling guilty about working all the time and not being around to parent as we would have liked, so we'd each dole out money to them, to alleviate our guilt.

This is in fact what brought us together, we had almost identical past home lives, and we consulted each other about our kids all the time. When we married, we decided to change the way we were doing things, so no more free ride for the kids (or ex-spouses). They were quite angry with both of us, and tried to break up the relationship.

We were so *so* in love, we just thought that our children would be happy for us. Didn't work out that way. They are coming around now, and we enjoy most of our relationships with them. A couple of the more stubborn kids are still angry and not talking to us.

Also buy the book His Needs, Her Needs.

Along with the other reading please start with this.
Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Have you went for medical teatment for these hormonal issues?

A year without SF is a huge problem. Have you done any snooping to find out if your H is possibly seeking other sources for his SF?

I understand you feel it is a medical issue but I find it difficult to believe he is just avoiding meeting this need period.

It is difficult for your husband to feel conected to you without SF. If he is not interested in SF with you this is a huge red flag.

If my husband was having a medical problem preventing him from being able to have SF, he would be obsessed with the problem and beating down the Dr.s door, as i suspect most men would, something seems off about this to me.

If your son is 21 now, he was 13 when you married, and 11 when you dated. Yet you said you each had older teenage kids when you met. How old are ALL the kids? All 10 of them.

Yes, I'm currently being treated for another hormonal issue that was more urgent, first. My dr. doesn't want *any* added hormones right now until that's controlled. If the urgent thing is not dealt with, it requires surgery (cauterization) for uncontrolled bleeding, so a pretty big deal.

I've played around with HRT on my own, anyway, against medical advice, to try and bring a balance and get some sexual desire back, but no results. I just have to wait, so does my DH, and btw he doesn't know about my playing around with hormones or he would be really upset that I'm messing with this, and he's willing to wait for it to be resolved.


There's zero chance of that, I do check after what happened in our relationship, regularly.


I don't understand what you're saying? I'm refusing to meet his needs? or he's avoiding something? We are not having penetrative sex, however his needs do get met via other methods, just not as frequently as he'd like.


He's interested, I'm the one with the issue.


Sorry... but what makes you think he hasn't?

We aren't a couple of idiots, we're both actually pretty smart and we have tried mostly everything you can think of. He's been in to the doctor countless times, as the traditional pharmaceutical treatment is no longer working.

I'm wondering if he's feeling guilty about the betrayal, and this is why the medical inability. Again, we just have to work through it.

I have to say, the problem he's having coincides nicely with my not wanting sex. At all. Not even being sarcastic. I'm not even upset about it, however he is quite worried and feels not only guilt but also .. what... I guess incapacitated? Or less-than the best husband? I really have no problem with it, other than it's on the back burner and we need to address it. So in MB lingo, my SF need is very low and his SF ability is also low right now, so it's less of a problem than you may think.


Almost sounds like you're accusing me of lying. Hope it's not that, and you're just thinking out loud. I came here to try and get help, not invent dramas to post so I can get attention. That was really uncool of you to insinuate.