And this is why YOU, Indiana Jones, are a MB success story !!!!!

Our only D-Day was a year ago. We "honeymooned" for a few months then he went through a long angry phase with a lot of resentment. That is when I tried to hold on to the honeymoon memories. Now his angry moments are fewer but somehow they hurt more and bring out my resentment more. Got to hold on to the good moments.

You guys are truly a success story

Thinking about the "sacrifice" thing, I came upon another outlook I thought was interesting

When we get married, we are not individual anymore, we are one

When we are a sacrifice, we do it alone. When we sacrifice what has allready been sacrificed above and beyond what as mere humans we can sacrifice, we frustrate grace, for ourselves first, and then for others

Sacrifice has been done allready for our sakes, we cannot exceed it, no matter how good we try to look

Does that make sense? Lol I hope so

Screwed up that post coming from my cell phone sorry gonna GP fix it at my PC

Tried to delete the last post and then edit it, both failed...

Think of Rosana Rosana Dana...

"Nevermind"

indie, I have to say, I thought this was awesome:



This thread prompted me to read a little more about resentment. I found lots and lots of articles giving advice about "letting go" of resentment, and they echoed what you said, indie.

Just some interesting bits:



I highlighted the part above that made me think about your post, indie. Says a lot about us waywards - a very particular state of mind and a particular way of viewing life...limited skills and abilities. I know for a fact that I am not the same woman I was in 2009. That woman had a very particular, wayward state of mind. A particular way of looking at the world. Looking through wayward-colored lenses.

I have painfully gained wisdom now...but to the detriment of my marriage I didn't have it three years ago.

Your WH is not just in the shadow of the mountain he created, he's chained to it. Until he finds it in himself to break those chains, he'll never be free of that mountain. He's not wiser and more aware. He may never be. And for that I pity him too.

Good post WPG. Resentment to me at least is a method to extend punishment. As if total destruction of me mentally and physically, humiliation in front of our family, having to carry a brutal mental lode herself, having a husband who has basically little or no trust in her, among dozens of other things, isnt enough of a punishment.

I gave me her some resentment based stuff over the phone last week on travel. No yelling. Just trust based stuff. She said, "I will forever try to earn your trust and maybe someday I will be successful...but I know I trust myself and right now thats all I have to go on. I know you are angry, I know you have moments and images still, I know I did it to you. This is what i created. Know that i love you. I loved you while I was hurting you, too. That may seem unimaginable, but when I think about what I did, its true. I have spent the last year trying everyday to make you happy and to feel safe and its very difficult with the emotions you are facing. I will never stop trying."

The point Im trying to make is sort of what is quoted above how resentment has no effect on the person it was directed towards. It only serves me, the resenter, to make open a wound in her, to punish. My wife doesnt let moods affect her focus. She doesnt cry or yell back, just listens and calmly retorts.

In some way, my wife's ability to handle my resentment so well is contradictory to her actually entering an affair. If you believe in the limited abilities concept, how then is she able to be all she is today? This is at the heart of my issues, how can she be the great wife she has turned into while just a short time ago she was living a morally corrupt, inevitably disasterous and moronic existence?

Thanks WPG. I often pity waywards, especially those waywards who seem 'chained' to it. In spite of the often extreme hedonism it doesn't look like a very happy life.

But I NEVER expected to gain enough distance to pity my own wayward. To feel ..a sort of mini prayer he delivers himself.

I knew hate would hurt me more than him..but active compassion? I wasn't even attempting that goal.

I think Pep is just so right about the mountain analogy. It may seem impossible to escape but just keep walking, walking, walking and there's no telling how far you might get.

BR: If I knew what I needed, I�d probably be where I could get it.

But, actually, I am not sure I need anything. I have placed my M at arms length and I am safe. I not only feel safe, I am safe.

The VLTA is never mentioned nor is the entire decade it happened in. It�s interesting living with a 10 year-long gap in one�s shared history. It�s sometimes an elephant in the room all by itself.

I find it interesting a poster takes issue with an individual word of mine. I think it would not matter, the word, though. A word would have been found to matter. To resent, if you will.

Resentment is what caught my attention. I had it in spades. But I don�t have it now. Wondering if others had as much to resent, maybe. If they got over it the same way I did. Apparently not. The advice on this thread tends toward the Suck It Up variety.

I agree with the following. No one should be abused. For any reason.

�I don't want to be a vengeful spouse. I would rather be alone forever.�

I also agree with Pep - a FR, is way huge. A five year-long FR in my case. Two false recoveries in fact. And the lies. Lies upon lies upon lies. Lies about lies. Unrelenting never ending hell of lies. For a decade. Sheesh. Seemed to matter to me, anyway, no matter what some posters here say.

Dr H says LTAs are very difficult to overcome. He writes this in several different places and in several different ways. That means (implies - if a certain poster needs a word to bite onto) many if not most do not recover no matter what they do (and I did every bit of MB). Otherwise a VLTA would not be difficult. Just tedious.

I feel recovered, personally recovered. What else is there after a VLTA? Nothing I want.

I will be gone for quite a while again soon. More travel to the East. While gone I plan to assess whether I should come here any more. I seem to irk people off. That is not my intent.

WPG � I am starting to think you will do quite well in the end, after all. Good for you. My best wishes to you, and to your BH.

I am not the same woman I was in 2009.
So much has changed.
Some sorrowful events. Some wondrous events. Plenty of mundane days as well.
Not to mention some terror-filled experiences.
This is life, WPG. You changed your lens, that is what matters.




A lot of wisdom is painful. Much of it involves being on one or both sides of the weapon. The life lessons we better learn from FAST are the lessons where we have chosen to shoot ourselves in the foot!
The real dummies in life are the ones who shoot their right foot, hobble about on crutches until well enough to walk again, then shoot their left foot.



�We forge the chains we wear in life.�

~ Charles Dickens

That is the human condition, WPG, not just you. Not just former waywards. All of us.

WPG, I see your beauty when you do not.
Trust me, it's there.

I do not think it is your best interest, or the best interest of your M, to be punished with resentment much longer. Think about what timeline you think is appropriate for the day of reckoning. Your "mountain" grows with every unloving action addressed to you.

WPG - quit smoking.

Look at how I changed this. (in red)

Now his angry hurting moments are fewer but somehow they hurt me more and bring out my resentment more.

Your H's hurt is expressed with anger. Not unusual. Hurt for men = frustration = anger. Men are generally "fixers" .... a BH is powerless to "fix" the past .... and when he is triggered/reminded his hurt boils over into anger and his anger hurts you.

Change your response from self-focused hurt/resentment to husband-focused compassion. You will be rewarded, I promise.


The difficult moments are growth opportunities. The good moments are breaths between challenges.

It's all a matter of attitude adjustment.
I recently had my attitude challenged. Not with adultery, but by serious health problems. I had a choice. I could choose my attitude, but not my disease. My surgeon told me that my attitude would impact my outcome.
Paying it forward.

As allways peps advice and comments are something to reflect upon and respect

Like listening to a professor at college, or a teacher at a lecture, such words of wisdom are lost in the online community, where they are not allways given the respect of reflection as we are forced to and expected to in that type of teaching environment

" A word in season" Pep..

I also remember from the reflection on the Charles Dickens quote about the chains we forge, another philosophy shared by Greek scholars about thier God Pan

Pan was blamed for our human weaknesses and transferred into Satan in the Christian belief system, blaming Pan for all of our problems and claiming he had chains attached to us. Like " The devil made me do it"

When in truth we as humans chain ourselves willingly to these things, lust, rebellion, and resentment.

Great words Pep

Thank you CP.
That was nice to read.

Sometimes I suck at being eloquent;


You can ether drag all those chains behind you on the ground, writhing with every step... OR you can pick them up, and carry them forward with you.

This is a VERY relevant thread; I just finished reading it.

I definitely fall into the "resentful and depressed" category.

I struggle most with the concept of "just compensation."

From Dr. Harley (the "Can't We Just Forgive and Forget" article):

"Your husband should guarantee that he will never have another affair, and learn how to meet your important emotional needs, as you should learn to meet his. I'd say that's just compensation, wouldn't you?"

No. My husband doing what he should have been doing all along, ESPECIALLY not having another affair, does not feel like just compensation to me.

And I have no idea what WOULD feel like just compensation.

However, I think if I could feel compensated, I could move forward.

BV

Six D-days.
Oh.
I cannot fathom.
Your H certainly screwed up royally.
You feel robbed by the man who was supposed to love & protect you.
I'm so sorry

Like!