It seems all I'm trying to do is get her to admit she is wrong.
This is not my intention but it feels that's all I'm doing

Did she have any say in this? Did she have the right to object to it?

So from her point of view, you were irresponsible with money for some years in the marriage, but she wasn't and was able to get a mortgage for a house that you both lived in. At some stage her mother subsidised your mortgage, too.

Then, when you were on the point of leaving, you put a charge on the home, essentially asserting your rights to stop any sale of the home unless you were given a settlement. Now that you're gone, she would like to do something with the house but you will not let her.

I understand that assets accrued during a marriage are joint assets. Why not agree to having the charge removed if she makes you a settlement? Could you ask for a sum that took into account any debts that you ran up while married, and that allowed her mother to be paid off? You could take responsibility for the debts by not asking for half the equity, and you could recognise her mother's help by reimbursing her.

This forum isn't supposed to be about financial settlements and I am well out of my depth here, but it seems to me that what you are doing comes across as attempting to screw her financially, or frustrate her financially. Is that a wise course of action if reconciliation is the goal?

Once again, I suggest you ask these questions of Dr Harley, and don't be "hypothetical" or as tight with information as you have been with me.

MIL also has a charge to protect the money she lent us should things go awry. Maybe I was the one who was supposed to have an affair? I never gave any cause to believe this. Another DJ I've made.
Marital rights is part of the law I never knew about until this situation arose and even if I knew so 5 years ago it's not something I thought I would have to exercise.

The charge could be removed upon agreed settlement but ww view at the moment is fu it's my house. She still has a lot of blame and anger aimed in my direction for her choices.

I think I need to sleep and clearly outline the situation to present an understandable email. Unfortunately a lot of financials get mixed up with the emotions and goals sought. By both parties

What is the point of that statement? Is it self-pity, or spite towards MIL?

Why shouldn't she make a legal agreement to protect the money she lent you both? If you helped out a family member by lending what must have been a substantial amount of money, wouldn't you seek to protect that investment? Why is that implying that anybody is going to have an affair?

Have you made an offer to settle in the way I suggested - giving her more equity and making sure your MIL is paid back?

She is very likely to agree to a fair offer. She must know that involving lawyers to sue you for the house would cost a lot of money and that she'd be better off financially not having to bring a court action against you.

Or are you refusing to release the charge as a way of blackmailing her back to the marriage?

At present she is saying a fair settlement for me is nothing. Mil will always get her money, previous posts of mine show frustration and tiredness.

Am I refusing to lift charge as a way of blackmailing her into the marriage? A very good question, one I need to seriously consider myself. I can see that I am using this situation as a way of maintaining contact.

That's not what I asked you. What offer have you made to her?

I have previously said I would take half of the equity if it comes to it. But have tried to avoid discussion of such a finality. I have avoided acceptance that this may have to happen.

Are there lawyers involved? Aren't you in Plan B? An average lawyer could send her correspondence about this. It is painful for you to discuss such things with her as the primary contact. Do you notice when you deviate from the plan you feel tired and frustrated? Are you a glutton for punishment?

No lawyers are not involved. I should rename my thread 'how not to plan B'.
Tired and frustrated yes.
Do not want to be trying to sort out financials with her while dealing with a family death.

Go see a lawyer and know what your options are. You can choose to plan B. Make the choice that gives you peace. You choose to deal with this the incorrect way in regards to your mental health. How's your running going?

I took legal advice at the start of this but it may be worth exploring my options again. The easy way would be for her to agree to a settlement. But she is still determined that it have not contributed anything and will not see a penny.
Still running but pacing myself. Found I was picking up injuries trying to do too much at once. Waiting for it to cool down today and go for a run. Should ease some frustration

What is happening with you Bluebeck? Did you see a lawyer yet?

Holding fire. Think I've known from the start where this is all heading. Saying that time is on my side and hasty decisions can be daft when not fully committed to them. I need to act not react.

Have you been running?
I ran a 15k race last weekend.

Still running. Messed my foot up going to hard, so taking it slowly. Still got a race to do in a couple of months with family member and entering an assault course type race soon after with a group of us. Seems we've all got the bug