I would stop all this communication and work within your limitations. This is not the type of thing you should be communicating about in Plan B. He doesnt' have to tell you anything that goes on during his parenting time just like you don't have to tell him. All it does is upset you and gives him an unncessary opportunity to control the situation. You cannot force him, legally or otherwise, to give you updates on the kids.

This is completely unnecessary communication.

JW, you need to stop with the demands. First off, it is optional because they are his kids too. And secondly, breaking Plan B to lovebust him only makes the OW look attractive. Do you think she is making demands on him and telling him what to do? It is unlikely.

Well, I guess you're right. I am letting him get to me. I was just in the diaper bag and found a note that said "no poop" so I guess he did respond after all.

I didn't think of it as breaking plan b or LBing. I see it now, though. I'm trying to control him, but I didn't see that. So now what? Just go straight back to silence?

Only communicating if there needs to be a change in the prearranged time with the kids (which I avoid changing at all costs)?

Apologize to him?

I can't stop crying. This is true and awful. (I don't mean that you are awful, I mean the truth is.)

Don't apologize. Just stop. Only necessary information.

I had to do the same thing. I had the same issue with WH. We live far away now, so when he comes, he keeps her at a hotel or somewhere when he visits. That is something I do need to know--where she is staying. But I don't badger. I just said that if I didn't know where she was staying, that I couldn't release her and I am sticking to that. I don't ask what they do or where they are going.

My kid was constipated too yesterday. I just put some kids fiber gummies in her bag with a note that said, she's been constipated. He can deal with her poop issue over the weekend. No play by play needed.

The baby is only 5 months old and only breastfed, and I'm trying to figure out if something I've recently changed in my diet is affecting her or not. But you're right, it's not life and death. And I'm basically picking a fight through my IM. And I think it's like when kids want attention and aren't getting it so they misbehave and pick until they get it. Which was not my intention, but I think that's what I was really doing.

I am dreaming about him again. Like every night. And I don't know if it's because I'm breaking plan b, or if I've been reaching out to him because he's on my mind from all these vivid dreams. This sucks.

It's hard. I still do this sometimes. I have realized that I really need to discipline myself. Every lash out--even through an IM--is a choice. The less I do it, the less I want to do it.

It really does help when other Plan Bers help with the struggles. It is hard not to communicate with him through your IM, but remember like ML says, you're making the OW look good when you're trying to fight with him. You really need to give the affair no help at all at thriving. You need to stay behind your Plan B wall and protect you and your lovebank.

Oh my goodness. Now that I am making myself think about all of this, I realize what prompted it. I got an explanation of benefits from our insurance, and it shows everybody since we're all on the same insurance, and he had an EEG. On the one hand, a brain tumor would explain some things, but that certainly isn't an explanation that anyone wants. I've been purposely not thinking about it.

It is hard. I'm so hurt and angry. And rightfully so. It's really hard to not lash out at someone when you really feel like it's justified.

Yeah, I think from now on anything I consider sending through my IM I will put here first. Or at least think about what you all would say.

Hugs to you, JW! I promise if you cut this out, you will feel much better. Instead of thinking of excuses to reach out to him, think of reasons you should not. Every time you reach out like this, it only frustrates you and gives him a feeling of control.

I agree you should come here before you have your IM contact him, IF EVER. I would avoid contacting him unless it is an emergency. Typically, betrayed spouses are not sending messages. If you having to send messages it is usually because of sloppy pre-planning. And I don't think you are guilty of that!!

This is a good idea. I will do this too, I think. I contact about DD too much too.

Someone here told me the best, most respectful thing to do when hurt and your feelings are not being respected is to leave. That helped me a lot. You can't make demands and control him, but you can protect yourself.

Sorry to hear that he is having physical problems and not telling you. Maybe have the IM handle insurance issues too, if you can. Unless there is an outstanding bill that will somehow affect you, you do not need to know about any of that. No information.

My xH lost his brother last fall and he refused to let me help or be there in anyway. It was up there with one of the most painful experiences of my life. You don't need that. No one needs that. As Indiegirl said at the time, it wasn't happening to my H, it was happening to an Alien. Exactly.

I know about the dreams. They are terrible. Last night I purposefully decided to dream about something else, and made that intention before falling asleep. I think it was at least partially successful, so I am going to keep doing it. Maybe plant some pleasant thing for yourself to dream about right before you nod off.

Yes, I think handing insurance to my IM is a good idea. Bills come separately, straight from the dr. WHs won't come to me.