What about ridicule from family and friends?
Do you have your own mind or do you receive all of your value from their opinions?
Sir, there is a movie I want you to watch, even if you have already watched it: High Noon.
It is available everywhere. Many independent leaders, from Ike to Clinton have said it was their favorite movie and inspired them. It is about making independent decisions, regardless of public opinion.

Your friends and family have no idea how to save a marriage. They don't know how to effectively survive infidelity either. Tough love will only serve to confirm to your wife that you don't care and have never cared for her or about her.

If you want to save your marriage, stick to the most effective path. Of course, you're angry and hurt and you have the right to divorce her now if that's what you choose. But if you want to save your marriage, Plan A is your best choice - not tough love.

Getting mad at her WILL push her away. Respond with your brain, not emotions, and certainly not with your families emotions. Take the advice of the people here who have recovered from what you are experiencing and have great marriages (not me yet, but hopeful), not your family who may not have such experience.

Tell them to Google: addiction affair. There are almost 10,000,000: 10 million! results. Tell them that you love your wife and you are fighting for your marriage. Tell them getting angry and pushing your wife away will not save your marriage, it will only make the end happen with greater probability and sooner. Tell them that it hurts you what she is doing and you need their support, understanding, and respect.

Ask them to read Surviving an Affair and tell you what they think of it and the advice given. That will have them back off while the read it, and hopefully help them to understand.

I would like to update the situation a bit, and get advice as to whether there is something I can do in the upcoming time.

My wife has a two week vacation starting 19th, until the end of the month. She will be out of work. The letters are sent registered mail to workplace today (she will be pissed I am sure - I'll own it). OM is supposed to be "traveling" to other stores starting January - I do not know more than this. OMW is supposed to be moving out end of January.

The only time they will see each other is IF OM goes to the home at night. She finds a baby sitter for the time. Or she makes a stupid decision to have kids meet him. (she has a book on step parenting)

Your family does not want to see you suffer, and they see you suffering terribly. It's going to be very hard for them to agree with Plan A because they aren't objective observers of the situation, they are biased.

My entire family (nearly to the person) wants me to leave my wife because they are so disgusted with her behavior (ROs, going NC with me, etc)...it's just how it is. I would probably feel the same way if I was in their shoes and had no experience with MB.

Most of them do not know that I am doing Plan A and have no reason to know. I simply do not talk to them about it and we have plenty of other things to talk about.

I also generally explain that recovery is conditional so that they understand the end result of this is an improved, affair-proof marriage, not the status quo.

Just my $.02.

I've tried to explain all this to my family as well, but they still don't want to hear it. They want me to move on and to quit suffering. Even if the divorce goes through, I plan on waiting a while to see if I get another shot at a better, affair-proof marriage like justthe3ofus.

Thank you axslinger85 - maybe just giving them too much info. For sure they are disgusted with her. What hope do you see in your situation if any, or are you still in that wait and see portion.

I am getting access denied on the Carrot and a stick thread in start her first

Well...since we do not have kids and it's only been a 6 year marriage, I am OK if divorce and remarriage is the outcome here. Particularly since Dr. Harley highlighted some concerns about my wife's personality today that I have privately held myself. It's not to say I do not love my wife, but I am a realist and this situation has been awful. And there are plenty of other women out there.

I look at it as this: I am moving on to a different marriage in either case. Either a very different marriage with the same person, or a new marriage with a new person. I am not going back to the same marriage. If it's a different person, I don't have kids so it's a much easier pill to swallow for me.

I'm more concerned about not making the same mistakes again however it works out.

With regards to the family and their opinions, if my family saw a passionate and vibrant marriage between my WW and I, along with more marital integration and her dropping her OS friendships, I think they would probably be fine. If they actually saw that, it would mean a lot to them.

My background is IT and I used to work for a firm that specialized in disaster recovery, so I have been in some absolutely wretched situations with fairly big companies where the previous IT contractor or personnel was actually fired. I've dealt with a lot of angry people and the script is usually the same. They want to see positive changes, and once you can give them that they start to feel differently about things. Don't promise things, don't try to reason, just work quietly to deliver the goods.

That's how I feel about the angry families issue. Build a visibly great marriage and the families will probably be fine after they feel safe about the WW. They would need to see her be crazy/head over heels about the husband.

Not just the angry families, but both spouses in recovery should see the goods quietly delivered.

Axe,

Your point about the angry families issue may work in more than one way. Specifically, "delivering the goods". My WW has expressed concern to me about what her family will think of her if she decides to drop the divorce and work on recovery. At the time, all I could think to tell her was that her family would support whatever decision she made. I think that I should have worked in a line about "delivering the goods", as you said it. Her family would support her even more after seeing her and I create a better marriage than we had before.

I have a similar concern. The ONLY one in her family that would fight with me is her younger brother. The only one. But she does not talk to him and he will not step up. The most important person to her is her father and he's about as thick as a bull. Other than myself, there is not one person in the world trying to talk sense to her or fight with me toward her in any way.

In fact, her father and step mother have so much as supported her affair, and told her if she were to reconcile with me, they would move away.

Sorry to hear that, Billman, I will pray for you. I can't imagine being stuck between the families like that!

Yeah, really. I fortunately have families on both sides where divorces are extremely rare, and have had pressure from both sides on WW.

My mother has asked me if she should talk to my wife. I think if my mom were to do that she would lay it on.. I mean LAY it. I think that is a bad idea. She says she wants to tell her what I have been going through, share her experiences, and try to talk some sense into her. I don't think this would have Any positive impact at all. I would like some thoughts to confirm or deny my opinion.

Edit - in person face to face.

That's wild. I can't believe they would be so against saving a marriage. I understand apathy toward an affair(though I wouldn't condone it) but father and step-mother are enforcing an affair.

I get almost zero support from family but that is better than family providing incentive against reconciliation. Good luck, at least you know who you can't count on.

I wrote my wife a letter, is there any way I can share it without typing it?

???

Copy/Paste?

Or, use that site that PM has been using to show his POSOM's e-mails.

LTL