Oh yes...read EXPOSURE...and the PlanA PlanB...
And i see that I've been not doing either...hence the fog of confusion as to how to move forward.

The way to proceed is to expose the affair and continue to snoop on her. Have you read my exposure thread?

Rupert, I think a huge part of the problem is that your wife has been very successful in manipulating you into helping her conduct her affairs. It is really important that you recognize how you enabled her in a very destructive way. For example, you agreed to turn off "findmyiphone" and "give her space" when you know it only helped her conduct her affair. I am confused why you would do this when you know how harmful those steps are.

That makes me think that your goal might be to avoid the anger of your wife at all cost. Our goal is to help you save your marriage. Do you think you can abandon such enabling behaviors?

So when will you be exposing her affair and to whom?

Let's clarify...
These actions by wife have been continuing over last couple of months, with recent affair/apparent only last Friday. FindmyiPhone was active during this time, which is how I found her whereabouts on the Friday in question.

The very next day affair was confronted/exposed to pastor and his wife, in a meeting with both myself and wife.

Issues of trust on both sides were discussed...she doesn't trust me to provide and protect family...

It was told to them and supported by pastor and wife that wife should make all her tech available to me on request...deleting all history of prior contacts with any guys...affirm me as her husband daily.

It was told to me that I need to continue to love my wife, and stop snooping...eg stop using FindmyiPhone, allowing my wife "privacy" etc etc...

HOWEVER...wife has turned off FindmyiPhone on her phone so even if I wanted to track her movements now I cannot. I have told her that IF she is wanting to be trusted by me that she needs to turn iPhone feature back on, so that IF I did track her I would see that she was where she claimed to be.

Considering another gps finder now.

Rupert, I would start by getting a GPS on her car and spyware on her phone. Does she have an iPhone? If so, you can get spyware on it using the instructions on the operation investigate forum. What about her computer? How does she troll for dirtbags?


Your pastor means well, but obviously he has no earthly idea what he is doing. This is marriage wrecking advice. Of course, a married person does not have the right to the "privacy" to cheat on her husband.

In the meantime, I would EXPOSE THE AFFAIR<S> using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread. Write emails outlining her multiple affairs asking your family and friends for support. Post the email here before you send it.

Can you do that?

Rupert can you give a simple answer to whether you will be exposing or not?

There is nothing to save until you do that.

Of course you don't trust her! You'd have to be crazy.

All of this stuff is futile until you bust up the affair.

Yes...if u think that exposing is still the tactic considering the leaking and confronting I have been doin to date.
Preparing emails.

Tell us who is on your exposure list.

My parents
Our kids
Pastor and wife
Our friends and partners
Her family...we in australia...all her family in US and quite distant emotionally
I have no means of contact OM family etc

Why are you unable to expose to OM family?

How have you looked for OM family?

The only contact I had was through a swingers lifestyle website that wife had joined...seems OM has since cancelled his membership as icons now blank and refers to nothing.
Other than that I have a mob ph# which doesn't resolve,any information in australia.

You know where he lives.. do you know his name? Try googling his email eddy or online username?

Re OM I've searched extensively...only had his first name...email addy...mob ph...town...
Found nothing so far.

You must be weathering a horrible storm after doing all these exposures! What has been your wife's reaction? Have these people contacted her directly this weekend?

When did she find out about your exposures? Hopefully she didn't hit you or anything.

Sorry been soooo long.

Over series of weeks and months I thought I had been "exposing" but not know or understanding the process.

Finally 3weeks back i exposed to as many as I could.
My wife's response was initially extremely bitter...hurts...says i betrayed her etc etc.

Since then she has been gradually rebuilding the lost trust. I've seen no evidence of contact with OM. Whilst even today she says feels betrayed is continuing to try and gain back the lost trust which I do appreciate and so long for.

Then, yesterday...BAM...is 1month to the date when she had physical affair...and what does she do?...drives 200km...says she was just cruising around...hasnt...can't account for her whereabouts. Is 200km round trip to town where OM lives...and she doesn't see why I'm suddenly suspicious.

And no...i wasn't able to monitor electronically as the day prior she suddenly changed icloud login which h nice disables findmyiPhone.

And all I've heard about since asking her about her day of driving, is a list of abuse and itemized point by point history of my letting her down till 2 in the morning.

Seems an inproportionate response to my asking about her cruising around for 200km...unless she is intending to distract from the truth.

Rupert, I'm sorry to hear about this.

You were advised to put a GPS on her car, and spyware on her phone. I take it you didn't do either, otherwise you would not be back here with that story, and not knowing for sure where she was.

She feels betrayed, and she is trying to gain back the trust she lost in you? She is seeing things entirely the wrong way around. I wouldn't listen to her nonsense.

Are you back here to get help with taking effective action? If you do what you did last time, which was to blog and vent, but not take action, you will still be at square one this time next month.