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Nightly post 2:
Church service this morning the title of the Pastor's message "God does not lie" Titus 1:1-4.
Alis:
Posting is part of doing as she as asked me to post and read on the forum but I will leave out the ramblings. What is the purpose of posting this? It lets him check off the box that says "I am doing something". Of course, it is just words and means nothing. Cast this into an employment situation: You have an employee who doesn't do his job and frequently lies to you. You demand that he knock it off, and instead he gets all philosophical on you. What would you do? Just doing the minimum of what your wife asks is not going to cut it.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Nightly post 3:
Out of town today for work. Before I left gave w, all the email and passwords that I have. I also dropped my company laptop and gave the information to access those emails also.
For internet usage while I am away, I am using hotel business center for work email/timesheet and MB.
We have had before EP in place when I travel out of town which included:
Hotel Phone number with Room #
Gave all of this information to my w. I have been texting her when I go and come from places.
Made a counseling appt with a counselor that my pastor recommended for this week.
I read Dr. H's how to find a good marriage counselor. I do trust my Pastor's recommendation, but want to ensure the MB principles are greatly intertwined.
Broken Hearted for my wife
Broken Hearted for my kids
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I am gathering questions together that I have come across through my studying of the "Love Busters" book and from conversations that I had with my w.
Tomorrow I will be posting these to get further guidance.
Broken Hearted for my wife
Broken Hearted for my kids
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EP would be no more traveling without her. You need to revamp this. You cannot be trusted.
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We have had before EP in place when I travel out of town This isn't going to work.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Out of town today for work. Sigh.
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Nightly post 4:Questions???
Understood. I am a defense contractor assigned directly to support Military training events to support the entire state. In the past, I was traveling out of town a lot, but have cut that back significantly as my wife asked. If I do have to travel out of town, my destructive behavior has pushed her to withdrawal where she doesn't want to spend time with me...How can she travel with me if it is absolutely necessary or how would I open discussion with her about this?
Our children call me on the phone and are saying they want me home and I am sure it is frustrating my wife even further. What can I do to help her and the children at this point of time?
How can I help her right now?
Reading about the state of withdrawal in which my destructive behavior has pushed her to, LB book states the way out of it (one spouse can do this, but it is much easier with both) is POJA. If my w has asked me not to contact her (which I did not adhere to this completely at and have since stopped since she reiterated it to me), what does this process look like?
When she calls me, is this where I try to implement POJA when discussing plans etc or do I agree with what she is saying without any negotiation because it is what she wants?
I have been seeing a counselor in regards to a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) I have from my military deployments. This counselor does not know the full extent of the affairs etc.. He is not just a military counselor he does marriage counseling also...My pastor has given me a Christian counselor (Appt Thursday). Should I give the military counselor the details of my marriage and address it with him also or should I keep both of these counselors separate to prevent from conflicting approaches?
Broken Hearted for my wife
Broken Hearted for my kids
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You haven't even taken the basic EP of not travelling overnight without her. Why should she recover with you?
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You haven't even taken the basic EP of not travelling overnight without her. Why should she recover with you? Agree! Unless you change the CONDITIONS which have allowed you to have a SSL all these years, your wife shouldn't take you seriously, at all.
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quote=1234qwer]Nightly post 4:Questions??? Understood. I am a defense contractor assigned directly to support Military training events to support the entire state. In the past, I was traveling out of town a lot, but have cut that back significantly as my wife asked. If I do have to travel out of town, my destructive behavior has pushed her to withdrawal where she doesn't want to spend time with me...How can she travel with me if it is absolutely necessary or how would I open discussion with her about this? Our children call me on the phone and are saying they want me home and I am sure it is frustrating my wife even further. What can I do to help her and the children at this point of time? How can I help her right now? Reading about the state of withdrawal in which my destructive behavior has pushed her to, LB book states the way out of it (one spouse can do this, but it is much easier with both) is POJA. If my w has asked me not to contact her (which I did not adhere to this completely at and have since stopped since she reiterated it to me), what does this process look like? When she calls me, is this where I try to implement POJA when discussing plans etc or do I agree with what she is saying without any negotiation because it is what she wants? I have been seeing a counselor in regards to a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) I have from my military deployments. This counselor does not know the full extent of the affairs etc.. He is not just a military counselor he does nomarriage counseling also...My pastor has given me a Christian counselor (Appt Thursday). Should I give the military counselor the details of my marriage and address it with him also or should I keep both of these counselors separate to prevent from conflicting approaches? [/quote] My suggestion is to forget about all of those counselors and use the money to follow the advice below, which Dr. Harley gave to a habitual liar. It's your only chance to save your marriage, but if not that, to save your own future. Your husband's problem with honesty is serious enough to warrent a program of intense accountablility. For one thing, it's threatening his marriage, but it threatens much more if he can't get it under control. Honesty is extremely important in life, and when a person's dishonesty has spun out of control, it can get him into all kinds of trouble.
Marriage has a way of straightening us all out, because our spouses will not let us get away with the self-destructive things that we are sometimes motivated to do. So by not putting up with certain behavior, it ultimately saves us from ourselves. This is most obvious with drug and alcohol addicts, but in your case, dishonesty can work the same way.
Your husband now sees the problem with his dishonesty, and is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome it. My advice is to spend a few weeks, or maybe even a few months, with a person or persons who care enough about him to correct his misstatements about common events of the day. It could be family members for some parts of the day, and you for other parts of the day. The point is to recognize that his problem with honesty is so serious that this radical step is necessary to break his habit. His dishonest statements must be identified and corrected as they occur.
I know that you are absolutely fed up with his lies, and maybe you can't participate in his recovery because each lie would be too upsetting to you. But somehow, he should be "shadowed" for at least a few weeks to help break him of this very bad, and self-destructive, habit.
Technically, all self-destructive human behavior can change if a person will allow someone who they trust to prevent them from engaging in those habits for a while. Once they are doing the right thing, the "coach" can be involved less and less until the risk of the bad habit has been eliminated. Ultimately, you end up being in the best position to be the coach that your husband needs, and you'll find that eventually, you won't have to go to special lengths to check up on him. But your husband should never go back to having privacy again. Even when he is able to give you accurate statements about his events of the day, he should create a transparent lifestyle where he never does anything without at least someone knowing what he's up to. I live that kind of life myself, and it's not a punishment for past sins. Instead, it's a way to make me accountable to others, especially my wife, which, in turn, makes me a better people. If someone with a video camera were to followed us around all day, and the tapes could be checked out of the public library, we would all become essentially sinless.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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Our children call me on the phone and are saying they want me home and I am sure it is frustrating my wife even further. What can I do to help her and the children at this point of time?
How can I help her right now? GO HOME.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When a couple gives a coach the right to direct them toward recovery, and are willing to follow the coach�s orders, the couple will see rapid improvement�if the coach�s plan actually works.
When I coach a couple, I let them know from the beginning that I expect them to follow my assignments. If they fail to follow them, I focus on their failure rather than on the marital problems themselves, until they comply.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Sir,
Instead of the Christian counselor I encourage you and your wife to use the MB Coaching services.
Steve Harley can work directly with you and your wife to change behaviors and bring your family back together.
Are you willing to do that?
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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In response to your go home, what if W does not want me there? I do not want to make her angry because I am not honoring her requests in staying away.
Broken Hearted for my wife
Broken Hearted for my kids
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Brainhurts,
Thank you for all the radio clips in regards to Counseling. I will be listening to them one by one.
Jedi Knight,
Yes I am willing to sign up for the MB Coaching services, but a lie detector test will be done before anything will be purchased.
Broken Hearted for my wife
Broken Hearted for my kids
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but a lie detector test will be done before anything will be purchased. What do you mean by that and why? You need help either way. I agree with Jedi that Steve Harley would be a good choice. You can't do the MB online program w/out your partner.
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In response to your go home, what if W does not want me there? I do not want to make her angry because I am not honoring her requests in staying away. Why should your wife consider recovery with you when you do not take the basic EP of not travelling overnight away from each other?
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You haven't even taken the basic EP of not travelling overnight without her. Why should she recover with you? This was not a rhetorical question.
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Brainhurts,
Thank you for all the radio clips in regards to Counseling. I will be listening to them one by one.
Jedi Knight,
Yes I am willing to sign up for the MB Coaching services, but a lie detector test will be done before anything will be purchased. Don't bother if you are going to continue to travel overnight without her. It will be a complete waste of time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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