I have a question about a relation to a friend, not a romantic relationship but a very special situation. It was a long time since I visited this forum but I know that there are wise and helpful people here.

Last summer I got to know a person through common friends. He seemed to be nice and I thought that we had common interests. However, almost exactly when we met he found out that he has a life-threatening disease with an expected survival of less than one year. I have also been seriously ill and maybe because of that he told me as one of the first. I was completely devastated and felt that I wanted to do something, anything to help him. He was so scared and he confided in me.

I am a scientist and used to finding information and I started searching. It turned out that the treatments for the disease have improved tremendously the last 3-4 years but a patient must find the right hospitals and doctors to access the therapies. I have helped him with this. At first against his will - he was in complete shock and not ready to do anything - but more and more he has instead started to rely on me.

My problem is that I feel like although we have a close relationship in one way, he is not very nice to me. It is always I who get in touch. If I don't contact him he does not get in touch, at least not for several weeks. When I suggest to meet up, he is quite often reluctant and he has never suggested anything at all to me. He is not interested in almost anything I do and he generally does not care about me. In normal cases I would just stop seeing him and it would be ok, you must not be friends with everyone. But I have continued because I know that I am making a difference for his disease. I have felt that it would be horrible if anything would happen that I could have helped. I have spent lots of time and energy on this and I think that I have had a positive influence. I thought that even if he is not nice, that is easier to stand.

Now a silly event happened and I got very sad so I have told him how I feel. I wrote to him that I feel that he is not very interested in being friends and I explained the situations and behavour that make me feel this way. I wrote that it makes me very sad.

I feel that I have been a giver for a whole year and have not received anything back. I thought that I could handle it but I can't anymore. Additionally, he is now on the probably best therapy available and I have very high hope that it is working. I think that it has made me relax and start thinking about how I feel.

I would appreciate any comments or thoughts.

Well it sounds like you helped this man a lot and may have saved his life.
But its okay to end the friendship if he doesn't want to be a friend. You have no moral obligation to continue it.

Will, surely you help lots of people through your work. It's probably best to concentrate on helping people professionally that way.

In your spare time you deserve people who really care about you. You will be no good to anybody if you give so much you give away the whole store that is your life for free. Your priority is always to take care of yourself first. That way you will be at full strength and able to share more of yourself.

If you are happy to give something without getting anything back in return, then do it. But don't give with some idea that being generous will reap some kind of reward, it doesn't work like that. A true friend wouldn't need you to be selfless, they'd just be happy to be around you.

The other thing to keep in mind is that selflessness is boring. If you aren't putting any effort into making yourself happy, how are you going to have any happiness to share with others? Make yourself happy first and only give what you can afford to give without making yourself unhappy.

I can relate a lot to this post. I've got a friend I met through church who is a BH and a recovering alcoholic that I'm trying to help with putting his life back together, and it's been very challenging like this.

All I can say is that remember you can't change someone else's attitude. You can help them and provide them information but they have to make the choices.

It can be really heartbreaking when you try to help someone like this who is at risk but either selfish or making poor decisions. I don't understand it but some people are completely fine with doing what you've described this friend of yours doing, which is using someone.

Take heart in knowing you did the right thing by trying to help this man, but don't become too invested like this. Like indie said, it sounds like you are very talented and you give the best of yourself to others when you take good care of yourself. You've given this man every opportunity to do the right thing, but don't hurt yourself over him. Some people wake up after people leave them behind, but others never really wake up to how hurtful their behavior is.

If I read your history correct, you are an unmarried female and the friend in this topic is male?

He can be glad you gave this much. Maybe you are better off without this man as a friend.

Thank you for your kind and helpful replies. I am glad that I have tried to help him. It was not an attempt to make him grateful to me, there was simply nothing else I could do. I was totally devastated and in panic at the thought of what could happen. But I feel hurt when I try to be kind and friendly and he is not. I have chosen to help him anyway but I can't go on like this.

And yes goody2shoes, it started as a flirt last summer but I am not interested in him in that way now.

It was a very difficult position you were in. To know that walking away was a life or death matter. At least now you can.

][quote=indiegirl

The other thing to keep in mind is that selflessness is boring. If you aren't putting any effort into making yourself happy, how are you going to have any happiness to share with others? Make yourself happy first and only give what you can afford to give without making yourself unhappy.

[/quote]

Great comment! I need to remember this!