And people see this as taking the high road for the kids. I was looking on my lawyer's facebook page and she had made a comment there about having just settled a divorce case and how it shows tremendous love for the kids when the parents can set aside their differences and coparent together for the sake of the kids. That may be true in some situations, I don't know. I do know that would be ridiculous torture for any BS. The people who think this is best are people who have never experienced the pain of betrayal.

No doubt. The thought of NC/plan B was so terrifying. It felt like stepping into a pitch black abyss. I understand why it seems like it would be less painful to stay in contact.

In which case they could have shown tremendous love for the kids by staying together the MB way...

Exactly. I love my lawyer, but she has bought into the myth of a "friendly" divorce being best for the kids. How confusing for them! Parents who can get asking but chose not to stay together anyway? My parents did that, and I can still hear the strained way they said each other's names. They were both miserable, and we knew it.

Unfortunately, shocked and battered betrayed spouses are guilted into "co-parenting" schemes by people whose ox is not getting gored. All those folks with great advice won't be paying the price. You will!

Right after my XH left me for his affair in 1999, my beloved son was killed in a car accident. My XH brought his mistress to my son's wake and was hugging him in front of my son's coffin. The scene is BURNED into my brain. I didn't say or do anything because a) I was in a state of shock and b) I was being encouraged on all sides to "rise above it." None of those ppl who encouraged me to "rise above it" or praised me for "rising above it" suffered one bit. They went on their merry little cute way while I dealt with resentment and grief for years.

Trying to get along with the monster who brought his mistress to my son's funeral did not help my parenting skills one bit. It only brought me more grief and sadness and fueled my resentment for YEARS. The only people who felt good about my "rising above it" were the OW, my wayward spouse and all those nice advice giving folks!

About 5 years ago I asked my mother and sisters why the hell they wouldn't protect me from that. They felt bad because they said they didn't know.

The moral of the story is to not put yourself in bad situations that will create suffering and years of resentment at the behest of people who like cute notions like "rise above it" and "coparent." The are not the ones who have to pay the price for such bad advice. YOU WILL.

Oh Melody. I'm so sorry. You're right, it's easy for them to say "take the high road" and "for the kids" and then go back to watching TV without ever considering the consequences. Or like your family, just never knowing or understanding what it's like.

How are things, PW?

I am ok. He had the custody hearing pushed back ( you get one continuance) so it's still up in the air. I'm trying to push for a settlement before the hearing.

I had a bit of a setback. I've been working as a consultant on contract. I was offered a full time job elsewhere, which I took, but then it was rescinded. I talked to them and they made an excuse that they thought I wouldn't be happy (even when I accepted the offer) because I asked questions about their benefit plans, etc. It was bizarre honestly and they handled it poorly. But in the end, one doesn't want to work at a place like that.

I am also in the market potentially for a new IM. It'll be too much for my current one with her upcoming schedule. My old one may not be able to do it. So if anyone is willing and a available, let me know.

The best IM in your situation would be someone that was local and wpuld serve as a pick up/ drop off point for the kid

We live 500 miles apart and I don't have anybody with a schedule who can do that. It's extremely difficult to get that kind of IM unless it's a family member who doesn't work and is willing set their own schedule around yours. I just let her in and stay behind the door completely when he picks up and drops off. I don't see or talk to him at all. He only comes once or twice a month.

I just need an email IM.

If you cant find a woman IM i would be willing to be one.
The general guideline is a same sex IM but since you are already in divorce court i dont think it matters.

Thanks Jedi. I'll let you know. My original IM might be willing to do it, so I'll talk to her and let you know. He is still emailing too much (about once a week according to my current IM), but that's much less than before. It's because we don't have a set visitation schedule in place, but now I've pushed the issue with court, etc. and I hope to have that in place soon.

Ok. My friend really doesn't want to do it, so I'll see if the moderators will put us in touch.

The moderators won't put me in touch with a man because I am still married, so if there are any women who can do it, please let me know. I can use my mother if necessary, but that's not the greatest choice.

PW, I am a trained mediator...if you need an IM, I am available... I must tell you, though, I believe that medation is beneficial and encourage you to consider it as a solution to resolving the issues between you and your XH

I don't think our issues will be resolved. He is having an affair that distroyed our marriage and has proven time and time again he does not have my interests in mind or my child. My wish isn't to pretend we are friends after a divorce. I don't have friends who treat me so poorly. My wish is to simply have someone to take occasional emails from him regarding scheduling issues for my child and to only pass on relevant information. Lawyers will handle the legal settlement. If I could have worked anything out with him--we wouldn't be getting divorced.

What issues are there to resolve in Plan B?
Plan B is not a legal mediation program.

I'm confused - what do you mean by "mediation"? What does that have to do with plan b/IM? I thought mediation was a way to work out the legal details of divorce.

PW, I'm sorry to hear bout the job, and the IM. I know how stressful it is to look for a new one.

Yeah, it's not fun. But that's life. I am lucky that I am still in the running for another very good position. It is a little longer of a commute, but a better company overall. The one that rescinded was a family-owned business, which I think was the big issue. I think there was disagreement among the dad/sisters about who to hire. I have a lot of experience and was very well paid in my last position, so maybe they just thought they couldn't pay me what I would eventually want.


I am trying to deal with a little bit of resentment towards my best friend who doesn't want to do it. I understand that she doesn't like him...but neither do I! And I am the one who needs protection from him. As someone who is uninitiated to the horrors of adultery, I think her underlying attitude is "you are going to have to deal with him at some point." So, while sympathetic, she is like 99% of the population who has never dealt with this and thinks we should "act like adults and get on for the kid."

Anyway, it is caused me to feel a rift between us. On the one hand, I want to respect her boundaries and she has done a lot for me; on the other, this just hurts me in the end and it's not that much work for her. It's just hurtful to me that she'd refuse when this is high on my list of priorities. He writes pretty infrequently at this point (from what I gather) and it's mostly about scheduling. And even that will change as we are getting a court order in place for visitation.

So anyway, yeah. It's a bummer, but I am trucking. Bummers will keep happening from time to time even in the context of this very big bummer that i am currently experiencing.

Don't underestimate the job of an IM. Having done the job myself, it can be quite a job, especially if the wayward is a difficult one. It can take an emotional toll.