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A great plan A. Normal WH response to be mad. That shows how effective the exposure was. After an exposure it is usual for the WS to respond with I am through the marriage is over. Just talk for they are just responding to their ego being bruised and losing the upper hand. Though they rarely follow through.
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Thank you apples. I will do my best.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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A great plan A. Normal WH response to be mad. That shows how effective the exposure was. After an exposure it is usual for the WS to respond with I am through the marriage is over. Just talk for they are just responding to their ego being bruised and losing the upper hand. Though they rarely follow through. I def feel like he's mad that he lost the upper hand.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Thank you all!
Came home tonight and WH and I talked. He asked for a divorce. He thinks what "I did yesterday" was vindictive and a punishment to him. I assured him that was not the case. He's afraid I'll take the kids from him. I said I wouldn't do that. He still doesn't think he'll be happy with me. He said he wants to call some lawyers tomorrow. I asked him not to. He did say that OW ended it with him and wants nothing to do with him. I'm not sure I believe that. He is definitely pissed.
Now what??? Bella, you did a great job on your exposure. If there is any exposures left, please get that finished up today so you can move onto next steps. The next step is to separate from him and go into Plan B. He has told you he will not work on the marriage, so you need to separate from him. You can start planning for the separation now and getting him to move out. You need to go into Plan B within 3 weeks and you must be separated to do so.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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*OW was a former coworker. I believe the EA was while they were working together, she left the beginning of October and that is when the PA started. Have you actually verified she no longer works there? Why did she leave? And why did he tell you the PA started when she left? Was he her supervisor? Is that why he told you that story?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you all!
Came home tonight and WH and I talked. He asked for a divorce. He thinks what "I did yesterday" was vindictive and a punishment to him. I assured him that was not the case. He's afraid I'll take the kids from him. I said I wouldn't do that. He still doesn't think he'll be happy with me. He said he wants to call some lawyers tomorrow. I asked him not to. He did say that OW ended it with him and wants nothing to do with him. I'm not sure I believe that. He is definitely pissed.
Now what??? Bella, you did a great job on your exposure. If there is any exposures left, please get that finished up today so you can move onto next steps. The next step is to separate from him and go into Plan B. He has told you he will not work on the marriage, so you need to separate from him. You can start planning for the separation now and getting him to move out. You need to go into Plan B within 3 weeks and you must be separated to do so. What would plan b entail. I have no where to go and I am not employed. What would separation involve?
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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*OW was a former coworker. I believe the EA was while they were working together, she left the beginning of October and that is when the PA started. Have you actually verified she no longer works there? Why did she leave? And why did he tell you the PA started when she left? Was he her supervisor? Is that why he told you that story? No, I guess I have not 'verified'. He has told me and she told me 'nothing happened with WH until after I left (company) and he certainly wasn't the reason I left." Yes he was her manager.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Call the front desk and ask to be put through to her.
There is a Plan B thread in the Notable Posts. There is also an Intermediary training thread. Do you have a friend who can maintain objectivity and only pass on messages regarding immediate finance and kid plans?
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the 3-week time limit for moving to Plan B is very firm. So much so, I encourage you to schedule a lock-smith for December 21st today. You should also see an attorney this week and secure copies of all financial documents, including 401Ks, FSAs, etc.
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Ok, thank you apples.
So for three weeks I will continue to avoid LB and fill any EN that is needed. AND while doing that I will talk to an attorney and make my plan B. Once 3 weeks is over and he hasn't agreed to work it out then change locks, etc.? Correct?
I will try and find a friend to be the IM.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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*OW was a former coworker. I believe the EA was while they were working together, she left the beginning of October and that is when the PA started. Have you actually verified she no longer works there? Why did she leave? And why did he tell you the PA started when she left? Was he her supervisor? Is that why he told you that story? No, I guess I have not 'verified'. He has told me and she told me 'nothing happened with WH until after I left (company) and he certainly wasn't the reason I left." Yes he was her manager. Ok, this is why he told you the story about not having sex with her before she left. He made that up so he wouldn't get in more trouble. You need to call the company and ask for her. Does her husband agree that she has left?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, thank you apples.
So for three weeks I will continue to avoid LB and fill any EN that is needed. AND while doing that I will talk to an attorney and make my plan B. Once 3 weeks is over and he hasn't agreed to work it out then change locks, etc.? Correct?
I will try and find a friend to be the IM. I would say that December 21st is the maximum amount of time you should allow - but you could, and should, get him out earlier if you find the strain to be too much. You have already been doing Plan A from the date of exposure, which I think you said was in October. Dr Harley does not put pressure on wives to do a stellar Plan A, because it is very hard of women's physical and emotional health. I've heard him say many times that if a wife has communicated the fact that she wants to give the marriage another chance, and she'll consider taking the husband back once he ends his affair, then she has done all she can and could go to Plan B right away. I think you only need to take as long as it takes for you to get Plan B arrangements (such as finances, and an IM) in place. Do Plan A for a further 3 weeks if you can - but go to Plan B earlier if you find Plan A too much of a strain, and you are ready for Plan B.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Ok, thank you apples.
So for three weeks I will continue to avoid LB and fill any EN that is needed. AND while doing that I will talk to an attorney and make my plan B. Once 3 weeks is over and he hasn't agreed to work it out then change locks, etc.? Correct?
I will try and find a friend to be the IM. NO. Ask him TODAY to move out. Tell him that his affair is so painful that you cannot continue to live with him given that he will not work on the marriage. Ask him to move out. NOW. Tell him you expect him to continue to support you. Once he is moved out, then you go to Plan B. But you cannot go to Plan B if he still lives there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You should also have a plan in place in case he refuses to leave. You can either get him out legally or move somewhere yourself. However, he cannot just stop supporting you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Bella, for the sake of clarity, you don't wait to separate if a WS has clearly told you he won't work on the marriage. You do go through 3 weeks of Plan A before Plan B. But in order to go into Plan B, you have to separate FIRST. Since he has told you he won't work on the marriage, then you need to move forward and prepare for separation followed by a dark Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think you only need to take as long as it takes for you to get Plan B arrangements (such as finances, and an IM) in place. Bingo!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for the clarification everyone! I will try and get my arrangements made asap.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Ok, thank you apples.
So for three weeks I will continue to avoid LB and fill any EN that is needed. AND while doing that I will talk to an attorney and make my plan B. Once 3 weeks is over and he hasn't agreed to work it out then change locks, etc.? Correct?
I will try and find a friend to be the IM. I would say that December 21st is the maximum amount of time you should allow - but you could, and should, get him out earlier if you find the strain to be too much. You have already been doing Plan A from the date of exposure, which I think you said was in October. Dr Harley does not put pressure on wives to do a stellar Plan A, because it is very hard of women's physical and emotional health. I've heard him say many times that if a wife has communicated the fact that she wants to give the marriage another chance, and she'll consider taking the husband back once he ends his affair, then she has done all she can and could go to Plan B right away. I think you only need to take as long as it takes for you to get Plan B arrangements (such as finances, and an IM) in place. Do Plan A for a further 3 weeks if you can - but go to Plan B earlier if you find Plan A too much of a strain, and you are ready for Plan B. He confessed the affair on 11/16. I exposed 11/28.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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He confessed the affair on 11/16. I exposed 11/28. Okay - I got that wrong. However, that is still two weeks today, so go to Plan B as soon you've got everything set up.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Did you contact the OWBH back and let him know what she is saying about him being abusive??
Good job on exposure and keep it up. Can you please answer this? Have you talked to her OWBH to confirm she quit? Also, here How to Plan B Correctly
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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