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Did you contact the OWBH back and let him know what she is saying about him being abusive??
Good job on exposure and keep it up. Can you please answer this? Have you talked to her OWBH to confirm she quit? Also, here How to Plan B CorrectlyI'm sorry. Yes I told him what she said. Yes OWBH did say she had left. I did read that link thank you. It is very helpful.
Last edited by bellachaos; 12/01/15 08:37 AM.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Alright I am trying to get a plan B together. I know that I need to get this done anyway.
BUT last night WH sent me an email that I am not sure how to take.
Here are a few of his thoughts summarized.
1. He was and still upset that I exposed Saturday. He doesn't understand how I would do that. I took away his opportunity to reach out to his support system. "Now, all that they know is that I cheated on you. While that�s not inaccurate, there�s a lot more to the story than that."
2. He's trying to believe I had good intentions by telling her family.
3."I know that it�s backwards and twisted and it doesn�t make sense, but [exposure] put a nail in my relationship with her, likely forever. I know you�re fighting for us, and our marriage, and our kids. I know that. But, part of me will always be upset about this. "
4. He's read a lot about divorce during the holidays and he doesn't want to put us or our family through that right now. He's willing to wait until after to continue discussion of it. But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. b) he's working on belieiving that I am not punishing him. c) he will take the next few weeks to "actively considering and making sure this is the step I want to take.", " I don�t want my anger and disappointment over this weekend to make that decision for me. "
d) He says that I need to take emotional and mental steps to accept that divorce is a viable option. and then to take care that we continue as people who care for each other for the kids, he doesn't want to lose them.
5. "I am not, and will continue to not be, in contact with her. I�m dealing with that on my own."
6. "I�m done lying. I don�t want to do it anymore. I won�t go through and rehash the details of what she and I have done. If there are things you want to know because they will help you get over it or understand, I will share that with you. But, it won�t be details of when, where, how, etc. "
He ended his letter with some very loving comments about us. "Unfortunately, we have grown apart � and in a pretty severe way." ... " I fell in love with her. And in that, I found a level of happiness, satisfaction, and love that in a lot of ways, I�ve never had before. " -- which is what he's struggling with.
He ended with this " I admire how strong you�ve been � and even though I�m still pissed about what you did � I respect you fighting for us"
I have yet to actually talk face to face with him about this. I have no idea how to take what he wrote. I feel like I need to let it sit for a minute?
Thank you for reading, I know it was a tad long but I feel like it needed to be shared.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Alright I am trying to get a plan B together. I know that I need to get this done anyway.
BUT last night WH sent me an email that I am not sure how to take.
Here are a few of his thoughts summarized.
1. He was and still upset that I exposed Saturday. He doesn't understand how I would do that. I took away his opportunity to reach out to his support system. "Now, all that they know is that I cheated on you. While that�s not inaccurate, there�s a lot more to the story than that."
2. He's trying to believe I had good intentions by telling her family.
3."I know that it�s backwards and twisted and it doesn�t make sense, but [exposure] put a nail in my relationship with her, likely forever. I know you�re fighting for us, and our marriage, and our kids. I know that. But, part of me will always be upset about this. "
4. He's read a lot about divorce during the holidays and he doesn't want to put us or our family through that right now. He's willing to wait until after to continue discussion of it. But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. b) he's working on belieiving that I am not punishing him. c) he will take the next few weeks to "actively considering and making sure this is the step I want to take.", " I don�t want my anger and disappointment over this weekend to make that decision for me. "
d) He says that I need to take emotional and mental steps to accept that divorce is a viable option. and then to take care that we continue as people who care for each other for the kids, he doesn't want to lose them.
5. "I am not, and will continue to not be, in contact with her. I�m dealing with that on my own."
6. "I�m done lying. I don�t want to do it anymore. I won�t go through and rehash the details of what she and I have done. If there are things you want to know because they will help you get over it or understand, I will share that with you. But, it won�t be details of when, where, how, etc. "
He ended his letter with some very loving comments about us. "Unfortunately, we have grown apart � and in a pretty severe way." ... " I fell in love with her. And in that, I found a level of happiness, satisfaction, and love that in a lot of ways, I�ve never had before. " -- which is what he's struggling with.
He ended with this " I admire how strong you�ve been � and even though I�m still pissed about what you did � I respect you fighting for us"
I have yet to actually talk face to face with him about this. I have no idea how to take what he wrote. I feel like I need to let it sit for a minute?
Thank you for reading, I know it was a tad long but I feel like it needed to be shared. Point 1: It does not matter whether he understands. Yo do not need to explain or justify this to him. You know that it was the right thing to do, and that is all that matters. it is likely that he will never understand. Ignore his attempts to get you to explain - which are really attempts to get you to see that you were wrong - and do not discuss this with him. If he brings it up face to face, tell him you are sorry he was upset, and say no more. Do not apologise for anything else. DO NOT DISCUSS. 2. Irrelevant. As above, there is nothing to discuss. Close the topic of what he is trying to believe and move on. 3.This is some of the most illogical babble that I have ever heard. Do not discuss. 4. What he is willing to do, short of ending his affair and committing to recovery, is irrelevant. Ignore a, b, c and d, DO NOT DISCUSS, and do what you've been told to do here, with regard to the divorce. 5. Ignore this, unless he is asking to restore the marriage and is willing to prove NC. 6. Do not ask him for any more details, until the day he goes to you on bended knees, and you need more details in order to make a decision. If it isn't for that reason, then details will only hurt you, make you cry, and make you look pathetic to him. Move on. 7. Ignore the rest of the email. Do not discuss a word that he has said in the entire thing. If he starts to talk about it, tell him that you will only talk when he has ended the affair and is ready to ask about rebuilding, including NC. You will not talk about anything else. He is trying to degrade and humiliate you, and you must not let that happen, even a tiny bit. If he tries to talk to you about any of this utter crap, WALK AWAY.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Sugarcane is exactly right. I will add this important lesson: do not try to reason with a falling down drunk. WE don't care if he understands, we don't care how "upset" he is. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THAT HE FOLLOWS YOUR CONDITIONS OR HE HAS TO MOVE OUT. The only concern here is your agenda, NOT HIS. And you very much should separate from him NOW unless he agrees to a) work on repairing on the marriage and b) agrees to affair proof your marriage. There is no way in hell you should hang around "for the holidays" while he is planning to divorce you and take his affair deeper underground. Doing so will wreck your health and make it less likely your marriage will be saved. Hanging around makes you LESS attractive and hurts the future of your marriage. Send him a letter back and tell him this: Dear John, thank you for your letter. As you can imagine I was devastated to discover that you were still in touch with your affair partner, Sallyslut. This has been the most painful thing I have endured in my life. Unless you are willing to meet certain conditions to protect me from your affair and commit 100% to repairing our marriage, I would ask that we separate now. I can't spend the holidays with you under any other conditions because it is too painful. I would ask that you move out now. The only way I would be willing to stay together is if you go through a marriage recovery plan with me and meet every condition on this checklist. Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you still out of town? Is that why you have not seen him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Read: I want you to stop interfering with my affair. I'm not in control; everyone knows the truth, not he lies I planed to tell about you. I hate not being in control.
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] 4. He's read a lot about divorce during the holidays and he doesn't want to put us or our family through that right now. He's willing to wait until after to continue discussion of it. But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. b) he's working on believing that I am not punishing him. c) he will take the next few weeks to "actively considering and making sure this is the step I want to take." This is pure insane fogbabble. It is an attempt to blackmail you into silence. He hopes to dangle the divorce card over your head to keep you in your place. Your response will take that weapon away from him and signal to him that he is no longer in control. He still believes he is in control.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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] But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. Did you leave some unfinished exposures? Your exposure has been extremely impactful and effective. He is worried that you will tell his friends. Are there people you did not tell? If so, I would get that finished and expose to them right away. Bella, you are doing a fantastic job. I want you to know that your situation is very hopeful if you can stick to this plan. Right now, you need to turn the tables and show him that you will no longer be at his mercy. That will shock him awake. The more reality you can inject into his fogged out life, the better.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you still out of town? Is that why you have not seen him? No I am at home. Last night I had dinner with friends. He was home with the kids. He was asleep when I got home.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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] But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. Did you leave some unfinished exposures? Your exposure has been extremely impactful and effective. He is worried that you will tell his friends. Are there people you did not tell? If so, I would get that finished and expose to them right away. Bella, you are doing a fantastic job. I want you to know that your situation is very hopeful if you can stick to this plan. Right now, you need to turn the tables and show him that you will no longer be at his mercy. That will shock him awake. The more reality you can inject into his fogged out life, the better. Keep it up! Don't stop! Don't worry about what he believes. He can believe it's punishment if he wants or whatever. Don't discuss it with him, don't debate him, don't try to persuade him otherwise.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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By the time you are finished, it will be him who is scared of a divorce.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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]
This is pure insane fogbabble. It is an attempt to blackmail you into silence. He hopes to dangle the divorce card over your head to keep you in your place.
Your response will take that weapon away from him and signal to him that he is no longer in control. He still believes he is in control. Yes, I definitely agree with the bolded part.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Did you leave some unfinished exposures? Your exposure has been extremely impactful and effective. He is worried that you will tell his friends. Are there people you did not tell? If so, I would get that finished and expose to them right away.
Bella, you are doing a fantastic job. Is there a way I can make this text flash to make it more noticeable? Because it needs to be seen....
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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There is somebody else that you have not told, that he is very scared you are going to tell.
Think hard and figure out who those people are and TELL THEM.
You are in the process of ruining the affair - his addiction.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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] But he says we need to agree on some things first: a)stop telling people in our circle of friends, his circle of friends. Did you leave some unfinished exposures? Your exposure has been extremely impactful and effective. He is worried that you will tell his friends. Are there people you did not tell? If so, I would get that finished and expose to them right away. No I don't think so. I think I told everyone of our close friends/family. ]
Bella, you are doing a fantastic job. I want you to know that your situation is very hopeful if you can stick to this plan. Right now, you need to turn the tables and show him that you will no longer be at his mercy. That will shock him awake. The more reality you can inject into his fogged out life, the better. Thank you for these words. I know the man I love is in there somewhere but this is hard.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Bella, we are trying very hard to help you save your marriage, so it is real important that you respond to the suggestions so we know what you are thinking. Are you reading the posts? Do you have questions or concerns? I can imagine you are scared to death right now and it is very important that you post to us so we can guide you out of the fog.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OMG, some of this is comical. So predictable too. Thanks for sharing.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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Joined: Nov 2015
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There is somebody else that you have not told, that he is very scared you are going to tell.
Think hard and figure out who those people are and TELL THEM.
You are in the process of ruining the affair - his addiction. Thank you. I will go through our contacts again and see if I left anyone out. We really don't have that much family. I will do that right now.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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By the time you are finished, it will be him who is scared of a divorce. I hope so.
Me, BW - 33
WH - 33
Married 8 years
Two kids, 4 & 1.5
In Plan B
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