Today was my 16th wedding anniversary and my husband spent it at another woman's house and he is still there. I am so depressed and trying to finish with school (graduate next month). This weekend I found out he was with another woman and he agreed to work on the marriage, but refused to give up contact with the other woman saying he had no else to talk to. I do not have anyone to talk to myself and we both live very hectic lives I am in school full time and work parttime. He is in school fulltime and works full time. He spent the night at her house a few times and sneaks off with her. When I confront him he denies it and has started hiding his cell phone. But when he went to the bathroom I saw it and was telling her he was really into and she said she felt the same. I blew up and was so angry. We talked this weekend and agreed to work on the marriage, but I said it would be very hard to do with her in the picture. I have finals in the next few days and I cannot even think about school even though I need to pass these classes to graduate. On top of that a close relative is very sick and that is just adding to the stress. He has spent the night over the woman's house twice and is currently spending our 16th anniversary with her, but claims he has not touched her at all. I have been through his side through everything and he is acting very weird towards me. Refusing to answer my phone calls or texts, he has not touched me in weeks. He claims that I did not want to agree to marriage counseling this weekend, I told him I that but I wanted to wait until after finals week. I want to do marriage counseling and I told him that today over the phone. But he claims he needs to think. Our lease is up at the end of the year and I am thinking about suggesting counseling for 6 months and if it does not work out then get a divorce. But I do not want a divorce, but my heart is aching terribly. He just told me earlier this month that he was so happy we got married. Last month we were planning a trip to celebrate our anniversary. But now he claims he has been unhappy for a long time. If that is the case why did he not tell me earlier. I have an exam tomorrow and I all of this has been causing me not to study. I don't know what to do, at some points I lash at him and other times I want to be with him. To top it all off this other woman talks about how she is such a Christian woman and goes to bible study. I wonder if bible tells her it is okay to sleep with a married man.

He claims the other woman is an extraordinary woman and such a great friend. He never said I was an extraordinary woman. He has been sneaking taking her out to dinner and I need some guidance. Trying to find a marriage counselor and yes we have 3 daughters. I feel so defeated and no matter what he acts like this woman is just perfect. I want to tell him of course this is all new and she will be show her best face. I am so depressed and trying to make sense of everything. I called a crisis hotline center and am so depressed. I want to find a marriage counselor we can talk to face to face. But I am interested in Dr. Harley. I do not want to lose my marriage. I am so sorry for not including this in my initial post.

Welcome to MB, lovinlife.

Pack his things into a bag, put it on the doorstep, and change the locks.

Put a Plan B letter in the bag. It should read like this:

Sample Plan B letter, from the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Chalmers (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

It does not sound as if you have dependent children, so Plan B should be easy. Plan B involves removing yourself from the harm that the affair is causing to your health and state of mind. You have said you do not want a divorce, and Plan B is ideal for that situation. It allows you to have no contact with your husband until the affair ends, but it tells him that you are willing to consider reconciling with him if the affair ends and he is willing never to have contact with her again, changing job and moving, if that's what no contact will take.

Plan B is not a threat of divorce. Please read the article I linked, to see Dr Harley's explanation of what Plan B is, and what it is designed to achieve.

An essential element of Plan B is that you cut off all direct communication between you and your husband. That letter tells him that you do not want to hear a word from him until he has ended his affair. This means you need to provide him with a means of indirect contact for urgent messages. This means you need to find a friend who will act as an intermediary.

If you do have dependent children, you need to make arrangements for them to see him without your seeing him, and you might need to see a lawyer to get a financial agreement in place.

Please read this thread on How to Plan B correctly, and this one, that describes the Intermediary's job. Show that thread to your Intermediary to ensure that he or she really understands the role.

Here How to Plan B Correctly

Who is this OW? Is she married? Have you exposed the affair and told your 3 daughters?

How did he meet this OW?

OW is a single mom. I have not exposed the affair to my daughters but they have started asking questions about why daddy is out so late and coming in so early in the morning. He came home at 5:30 am and admitted to me that he had feelings for her and claims he just kissed her. But that is some nonsense. I have been crying all day. My world seems like it is crashing all around me I can not think of anything. My nerves in my stomach. I have no appetite and have not drank hardly anything. He claims he loves me and wants to make the marriage work, but the only way I see it working is getting rid of OW. She goes to bible study and says she is a Christian. I go back and forth between wanting to end the marriage or stay in the marriage. I do have her cell phone number and I know where she takes a college course.

Sorry I cannot fully describe how I feel, the only thing that I can relate it to was when a very close relative died 10 years ago.

Have you exposed his affair to your family and friends, his family and friends and her family and friends? If not, do it immediately but do not tell him you are doing it. Also, if she goes to bible study, find out which church and notify the pastor and whoever leads the bible study.

Umm...are you going to respond to my posts?

Ma'am, are you going to read the posts?

We have 3 daughters and we live in an apartment with a lease. We have no family in the immediate area, but some family about 5 hours away. I have been reading so much information and I have completely lost trust in my husband.

I am still reading my posts, just so much going on I step away for a few hours as I just break down and cry.

I feel like an emotional crying wreck. Like I just got hit with a train.

Can you pack up and go move in with your family?

I have to wait until the semester is over. Now he is claiming he wants to see how our marriage counseling goes to tell OW he wants nothing to do with her. He is talking about waiting until waiting after the first session.

Marriage counseling is a distraction from resolving your marriage problems. You should DEMAND he ends his affair TODAY or you should cut off all contact from him. That needs to be done TODAY. The last thing you should do is go to "marriage counseling" with him. That will be a disaster for your marriage and for your mental health. You are suicidal NOW and this will get worse with marriage counseling.

We are very concerned about your mental health and your ability to follow a plan. Will you please email Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of the Marriage Builders program and ask for help? Tell him what you told us and send him your phone # so he can call you. He is a very kind man who will give you professional guidance. [for free]

Email him here: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

You should have NO CONTACT with him whatsoever unless and until he ends his affair.

You should also expose the affair to everyone. Please go read the exposure thread in my signature.

It's impossible to do with her in the picture. Until you have killed his affair dead, there IS no way of salvaging your marriage. That is why you have gotten the advice to go into Plan B until if and when he ends the affair.

Doing traditional marriage counseling is a complete waste of time and money. The answer is to END the affair, set up extraordinary precautions, and then learn the MB program together through Dr. Harley's materials (phone counseling is available).

This is normal status quo for a husband involved in an affair. Once the affair ends, things will be different.

Yes, Dr. Harley has likened the pain of an affair as similar to the loss of a child, or the pain of being gang-raped. It is horrible, and I'm sorry that you are here. But happy that you found us! Many of us here have experienced the same pain...and gone on to better marriages than we'd ever had before.

More normal wayward behavior, unfortunately. Most of our spouses have said that. He is comparing you with the OW (who he is in lurve with at the moment). That will end also once the affair dies. The affair isn't real and isn't sustainable. Your marriage IS real and sustainable (if you so choose).

Just a caution: DO NOT be tempted to mention this site to your husband. For now, and until he ends his affair and comes out of withdrawal, you will need this to be your safe haven.