Can you control your emotions?

Yes. I can. I just. I hear his disdain for me in his voice. I can't live in this house with him. It's already been 3 weeks since he told me he doesn't want to be with me.

I don't think you should get his stuff and tell him you did not mean what you said. I think you should mean what you said.

You have not got to the bottom of whether there is an affair, but his behaviour is affecting your mental health, and he has told you he does not want to be with you. For those reasons, you should not put yourself through another second of torture. Follow through with putting him out. You need to go to Plan B today, and shield yourself from any more pain. Even if he is not having an affair, he is not showing care for you and has told you he wants out. Don't ask him to stay.

He told you that because he is having an affair.

He has disdain for you because he is having an affair.

Trust me, this living in the house while he carries on an affair will be over soon. Once you have gotten the evidence and exposed the affair, if he does not end it and commit to the marriage, THEN you can change the locks and go into a dark Plan B. But I really don't want to see you do that and brush this affair that he is clearly having with his coworker under the rug.

This can still be saved, but the affair has to die first. That is why you need to put 100% of your effort into following the plan and getting the evidence.

Call the PI right now and find out how soon he/she can start.

Well I see the SugarCane and I are giving you different advice. She has more experience with this and so I will tell you to listen to her if that is what she thinks.

I would still hire the PI asap though. You still have a chance of getting this evidence.

Thank you, both of you. I am going to still meet with the PI tomorrow. I will charge it if I have to find out the truth.

Thank you, I am still going to meet with her tomorrow.

Do I make him take his bloody dog with him? This thing stresses me out beyond all hell. I'm only half kidding.

I just know how fierce Dr Harley fights for the protection of a woman's mental and physical health, when she is facing an affair that will not end immediately. I know the poster does not have the name of the co-worker nor sight of the messages, to see how far this affair has gone, but I think we know enough to know that there definitely is an affair. No co-worker should be texting his phone at 10.45PM, or, if it's a legitimate workplace emergency, her husband should have no hesitation in showing her the text. He has had an affair before, after all, and should not wonder why she would be suspicious.

There is plenty of evidence of an affair of some kind. Her husband is being cruel with his words and behaviour, and this is affecting the poster's mental health. I think Dr Harley would tell her to protect herself from this right now. Further evidence might or might not emerge some day, but it is not worth her while suffering until it does, or, indeed, fighting for him. Dr Harley does not recommend that wives fight for unfaithful husbands; it is ineffective, and detrimental to the health of the wives.

Of course you do.

Thank you, my BFF just said the same. I am sending the dog with him. He can deal with him.

AprilMay12:

From what I've read so far, I'd recommend Plan B. Granted, it may have been a good idea to have him experience you in plan A for the next few weeks, but things have probably gone too far for that right now. It's very unlikely that your husband is in any mood to end his affair, and inviting him back home might only cause you to be stressed to a point of a breakdown. Having him away from you for awhile will help you gather your thoughts and plan for the next few weeks with intelligence rather than emotion. Exposure is a good idea, but make sure that you've read exposure 101 carefully. I have also written an article entitled, "When Should an Affair Be Exposed. Read that too. Write to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and Joyce and I can provide more specific guidance to you.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Thank you so much Dr. Harley. I have been trying to implement plan A for the past week or so, and I have been pleasant and supportive and a happy wife as much as possible since he told me three weeks ago. He even told me that he doesn't like when we are happy and having a good day because it probably give s me the wrong idea that things are fine, when they are not. Which is heartbreaking to hear. I appreciate your support and guidance. Thank you.

He called and I stupidly answered. He asked what to expect when he gets home and I said that his stuff is outside and he can find somewhere else to live, and take his dog. When I reminded him he had told me that if the separation arrangement wasn't working that he said he would leave, just to let him know, that he had people he could stay with, he almost chuckled like it was joke. He asked me if I was using my son as a weapon against him. I said no. I repeated that he was to take his items and leave and then hung up. I don't know what will happen now.

April, I am just catching up on your thread. I don't think you did the wrong the thing in speaking to him. I would stick this out and be very firm but very polite when he comes to get his things.

I would strongly suggest you call the locksmith tomorrow and get your locks changed too. If not, he will be free to wander in and out of your home which will drive you nuts.

Thank you Melody. I actually bought new keyed door handles at Home Depot when I got the boxes. Should I change them? Or wait til after he leaves the house? I don't think I can legally, but does it matter at this point?

Yes, you can legally change your locks. I would go ahead and get this done before he comes home if you can.

ok

I don't know if I have time before he gets here and I don't want him to walk up on me doing it. I think I will just wait and see what happens and then change them tonight after my son goes to bed.

Can you at least change the deadbolt quickly?