Sounds good! At least you have a plan.

So, he came, put all his things in the car and then called and asked if he could see our son. I let him come to the door to say goodnight. Then he asked to talk to me outside. So I went out. He asked me why I was being vengeful and wasn't there a different way we could do this. I told him that I've been waiting a month, and I can't continue living with him like this, as it's detrimental to my health and sanity and that it's killing me. That I can't live with him, hoping he will change his mind, when he doesn't want to be with me. He kept telling me he didn't want this to be nasty, that he cares about me, that he wants to give me space, but he doesn't want this to be this way.

I stood fast and told him I couldn't have him in the house anymore and that he could leave behind whatever he didn't have room for in the garage and come back to get it later. That I would get a mediator to figure out when he can see our son, because I can't talk to him anymore. He doesn't want to involve any other people, he thinks we can "figure this out" on our own. I said, I don't think so. I told him he's hurt me deeply. He said he didn't want this for our son, and I said neither did I. That I wanted a mother and father who love each other and live in the same home for him.

He left without the dog. He had no space for him. I told him we will figure it out in the coming days, through email most likely. I don't know what else to do now. Just wait? I signed up for a salsa class that begins tomorrow. My sister is coming to watch my son and then she is going to spend the night here. She works part time for me so she was going to be here Thursday morning anyway. Hopefully she can keep him occupied so I can get some work done.

I still have a meeting with the PI tomorrow at noon and I began calling lawyers today. I am going to keep looking for one that I click with, because the one I spoke to today I didn't really feel great about.

Thanks everyone for your help and any advice is greatly respected and appreciated.

You did good.

Have you seen this?
How to Plan B Correctly

The Plan B letter from SAA is in that thread as well.

Do you have someone that can act as an IM so you don't have to communicate with him? I think communicating with him is going to cause you more pain.

April, you did fantastic in holding your ground. I would get the locks changed tomorrow so he doesn't come in. Study up on Plan B and make preparations to go into a dark separation. You will want to enlist the help of an intermediary who will facilitate all communications. Do you have someone in mind who can agree to act as a spam filter?

Once you find an intermediary, you can send him a Plan B letter with a visitation schedule. He can pick up your son and drop him off from the drive way so that you don't have to communicate directly with him.

Once you send the Plan B letter cutting off all contact, you can expect him to get very upset about losing control over you. He will try to get through to you and will initially refuse to use your IM. [very typical] When that happens, you need to be prepared to hold your ground and not let him contact you directly. He will start using the IM once he sees you are serious.

Thank you for the support and advice. I guess today I'm gonna hire the PI to do some surveillance on him, although I'm worried she won't find anything. If I don't get any hard evidence of an affair, how do I write the Plan B letter? Do I just talk about him hurting me and omit the affair verbiage?

I will change the locks today also.

I don't really have anyone here that could be an IM that isn't involved already. He has no family near by and all of mine is flabbergasted and devastated about what is going on. I may be able to ask a cousin or aunt/uncle that doesn't know yet, but I'm not sure once I tell them that they can be non-emotional about it. We don't have any close friends in the area either. I'm not sure what to do. Does anyone have any recommendations?

Yes. But I really do think there is an affair so I wouldn't give up quickly.


Good!


Do you have a close friend who would agree to act as a neutral spam filter? She doesn't have to live in the area because all communication can be handled via email.

Melody, I am not going to give up to discover if there is an affair. When does the letter need to be written by? Like within a week?

Ok, so I just need someone that he can email that will then email me? I will have to think of someone that i think might be able to do that. Thank you.

I would send it this weekend after you have all your plans laid out. For example, you need to line up an IM, set up a child visitation schedule, make arrangements so he can't get through to you.


This person will act as a spam filter and only pass on PERTINENT information about child visitation and finances. Your husband will be sending manipulative, gaslighting tirades to you along the lines of "He doesn't want to involve any other people, he thinks we can "figure this out" on our own. " He will call you immature for not "co-parenting" [a mythological construct devised by lazy court bureaucrats] with him and try to make you feel like a bad parent. This type of communication should never get through to you. Your IM has to agree to never send this stuff to you.

When he sends you pertinent information about finances, children, she would email you a SUMMARY in her own words. She has to first determine if the communication is absolutely necessary. I can also volunteer to help your IM through any difficult patches. Usually when I help them through the first diffccult patch [usually some kind of threat from the wayward] they relax and handle it with ease.

You can use your sister if she will agree to remain neutral with him. She doesn't have to BE neutral, she would have to be neutral in her communications with him, no lecturing or fighting with him.

hoping that unwritten comes back. She has been giving you SUPER advice since you arrived. She is a rockstar!!

Ok, I will see which sister I should use. I have three. I think one of them would be able to do that.

I guess I am just struggling with obtaining the evidence of an affair. What if kicking him out made him stop? If I have it investigated and nothing comes up, do I give up looking? I don't want to spend too much money, as now I'm worried that we will divorce and I have a finite number of resources.

What do I do if he emails me or texts?

First off, kicking him out won't make the affair end. And I agree you don't want to run yourself dry but you need to do what you CAN to get the evidence.


For NOW, you would answer them. When you go into Plan B, you should block his direct access somehow, even if it means changing your #. You should be able to bounce his emails.

Thank you. Sorry for all the questions!

They are good questions!!

He is unlikely to stop an affair because he is addicted to it. If anything, he will have more time for it. The PI should be able to find the evidence. I'm not sure if you checked his credit report. Make sure you record the amounts in all accounts. If you need to move money to a new account at a new bank, do.

I just met with the PI. She is going to go by his friend's house tonight to see if that's where he staying. On Friday she will go to his work and watch to see what he does there and where he goes after. She's going to update me as things progress.

I have looked through our accounts. He gets his paycheck direct deposited. He gets VA disability and that is also direct deposited. I have not seen any payments to other cards, bills, etc. We have always had open access to all the money, and it's always been both of ours, regardless of source. I am going to look at his credit report, but I don't think I will find anything there. He did take $80 in cash out of an ATM this past weekend. He used it to go to dinner, but I don't know why he took out so much. He had also recently asked if we could "budget" for him to be able to buy car parts and fix his car (he has a classic car he is building). It seemed weird and I'm wondering if that was gonna be his cover up for taking money out without my being suspicious.

I moved some money from our main account to my own bank. I had just closed all my own cards last month and put all our money into his bank, because I was being charged all sorts of fees. I feel so stupid that I did that. Luckily they couldn't close one of mine the day I went in, because I had an open transaction. So I'm using that card now.

He emailed asking if he could see our son tonight. I don't know what to tell him.

Tell him yes. Ask for pick up and drop off times and tell him you will send the boy out to his car. "I ask that you respect my wishes for no contact at this time. It is too painful."

You WANT your son to have visitation and want to always be very cooperative in that sense.

I would also start working on a visitation schedule that you will send with your Plan B letter. You need it be very CONCRETE, because you don't want to be negotiating visitation schedules over and over again. that will be a nightmare. Just do it once and get it right.

Such as: monday & wednesday for a few hours and Saturday afternoon for a few hours. No overnights until he gets his own place.

When I say "few hours" I mean you pick out the times, ie: 5 - 7, 1-4. You need to be very strict about this.

Thank you, I told him he could come and take him to dinner and gave him a window when he can get him and what time he has to be home by. I will start to figure out a schedule.

I found a friend willing to be the IM. We've actually never met in person, but she is a fellow designer and friend and we chat daily (have for nearly 3 years). She is a very straight-forward, no [censored] type, so I think she will work out well. What should I send her to know what to expect?

For your IM:
Intermediary Training School

For you:
How to Plan B CORRECTLY