We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok.

The following is the all-too-common WAYWARD script.

--------------------
MIDLIFE for Dummies

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journey's you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck. In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this Roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1
Choosing the correct speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2
Lessons in building anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1
Monstrification of your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2
Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3
Mass confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4
Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3
The Other Person (or OP)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

Chapter 4
Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

Chapter 5
History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

Chapter 6
It's all about you!!

Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!

Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!

Chapter 7
Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone. If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Chapter 8
MC and Therapists:

Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her/him. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).

Chapter 9
I Don't have to if I Don't Want to and You Can't Make Me!

Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything. This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!


Chapter 10
"How to threaten" and/or "How do move out".

You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).

If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer

Chapter 11
Art of Clinging

The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.


Chapter 12
Advanced lessons

This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.

"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".

This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.

Appendix

HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY

1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.

2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"

4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OP. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.



DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN

1. Make negative comments about OP or the chances that the relationship with OP will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OP.

2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.

3. Do random acts of kindness such as yard work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.

4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.

CUSTODY
Using the kids to your advantage.

If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.

Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent. You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.

Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.

BUTTON PUSHING

You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.

THE BLAME GAME

By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouses fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I'm trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I cant' live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
(There are many more I'm sure you can think of)



These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults. Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.

Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!

let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."

Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."


How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....


HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON

1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that: a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a -

YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!

Dear K. R.,

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

PLEASE TAKE WITH A HUGE GRAIN OF SALT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About 4 months ago, I fell for OW who is a teacher at my school.

About 4 months ago I decided to become a liar and a cheat

Within a little over 3 weeks, we had decided that we had to leave our spouses (she was married for six months) and be together.

I am prone to impulsive choices and capable of throwing my life away on a whim.

I told my W and OW told her H on the same night.

Please notice - I make NO MENTION of how my wife reacted to having me shoot her through the heart. I was not paying attention to my wife's feeling as I was shredding her soul.

It was EA until we left our spouses and then became a PE that night.

I could become sexually aroused with another man's wife while my own wife was emotionally hemorrhaging at home.

We stayed together for ten days and then I felt like I wanted to go back to my W and so I left the OW in a hotel room and went back to my W.

I do not mention remorse or responsibility - because I only want what I WANT - I WANT - I WANT

I cried like a baby that whole day and my W was so sweet and compassionate and caring.

Again - I am impulsive and only talk about MY FEELINGS MY FEELINGS MY FEELINGS


She took care of me and then the next day I went back to work, where I saw OW. I told my W that I needed space alone to clear my head and she told me to do whatever I needed to make myself better.

I returned to the heroin den and decided to take more heroin - because I WANTED TO - and no thought about breaking my wife's heart.

I lived in a back house alone for two days and then contacted OW and she spent a few days with me and my W had no idea.

I brought the heroin to my wife's home and drugged myself and lied about it. Aren't I cool?

Then I met with my W and told her that I wanted a D.

I told my W I wanted a D - but I forgot to notice my wife's reactions to this heart-breaking announcement.

I then semi-moved in with OW, but felt unsure of myself and sad.

My sadness matters. My wife's broken heart is not even on my radar.

I called my W a lot and talked with her and it felt good to be in contact with her.

I fail to mention how my wife felt because it does not matter to me, as long as it made ME feel good I would continue to abuse my wife's good nature and her love for me.

I then told the OW that I wanted to be back with my W and so I started sneaking around W's house leaving anonymous love notes, clues, etc. She caught me one morning and asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to be with her forever. We moved back in together.


Now I find myself giddy with the affection of 2 women who both want ME ME ME ME ME ME. I get to go from one to the other making promises I cannot keep. I am high as a kite.

She wanted me to quit my job, but I said I couldn't.

Who cares what my wife wants? I sure don't.

I then started seeing OW at work in passing and more and more wanted to contact OW.

I wanted the affections of 2 women to continue. It's nice. I like it.

My W really wanted me to quit my job and I started to purposely distance myself from my W.

I mean, really, why should my wife be rewarded for her fidelity, her loyalty, her forgiveness, her care, her concern, her willingness to take me back after the most hurtful betrayal imaginable? It's better for me to hurt her more by DISTANCING myself and twisting the knife.


At this point, my W started reading from this website and she wanted me to go with plan A, but I jumped on the plan B alternative, saying I still needed time to think.

But, that was a lie, because I clearly am not thinking, only getting high.

Meanwhile, the OW and I started contacting each other via email at work.

I was rolling in cake, covered in frosting, gluttony and lust and coveting another man's wife. It was wonderful!

Weirdly, once my W and I decided that I should move out, we started cuddling with each other at night and I felt oddly close to her and like I wanted to show her my love for her.

I was rolling in cake, covered in frosting, gluttony and lust and happily and joyfully deceiving my good wife once more. It was wonderful!

But, I was also contacting OW and telling her that I needed to end my M if I ever was going to be with her.

C A K E C A K E C A K E - everywhere I see cake and I dive in face first!

However, OW and I were also sending sexual emails back and forth and it was exciting, but I also felt terrible for doing it.

In fact, I felt so terrible I continued to do it! Go figure!

The whole time, my W was reading my emails.

Do I mention how this must have made her feel? No, I do not, because it never occurred to me to consider my wife's feelings. CAKE CAKE CAKE

After I moved out and was living in our old house (during the time we were trying to reconcile, we moved into another place and once we decided on Plan B, I stopped moving my stuff, clothes mainly, and stayed in the old house we were renting), I sent a reply email to the OW about celebrating her birthday and how I loved her and mentioned something sexual.

Oops - this time I forgot to mention how "terrible" I felt doing this .... uh-huh!


My W read this email and called me over to her new place. She was furious and told me that she wanted a Divorce. I couldn't say anything. She was right. I had lied and cheated and I was a terrible husband and I kept hurting her and I couldn't quit my job and re-devote myself to her. So, the next day at school I was served D papers.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaa Mommie - where did my cake go?

In a way, I was secretly hoping that she would divorce me because I was not man enough to do it.

In fact, I TOLD her I wanted a divorce - remember? And I wanted my wife to do things for me as I was still stomping all over her heart .... YOU do the divorce dear, I'm busy boinking another man's wife. You don't mind, do you?

That was two weeks ago. I have been in contact with the OW and we have had dinner and been intimate a couple times.

Notice I never mention her HUSBAND, or his broken heart? I am really a good person though - you haven't walked in my shoes - you don't know what it's like - don't judge me - .... What was I talking about? .... Oh, yes, her husband .... Now let's talk about me some more .....

I can't decide if my wife was right, am I addicted to the OW?

Am I a good man? Am I a good person? Please don't let my vile behavior and callousness lessen your opinion of me.

Now, the OW is worried I am pulling away from her, because I have been.

This is not adultery in OW's mind - so the fact that I am pulling away from a married woman feels like a betrayal to OW - another man's wife.


I have been so sad the past week. I cry (full-on sobs, fall to the ground in pain crying) two to three times a day.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance

I keep picturing everything that has happened and it feels me with the most terrible pain.

MY PAIN MY HURT MY TEARS MY CONFUSION MY FEELINGS


I love my W so much and for some reason, I did all this horrible stuff to her.

I love my wife so much that for some reason I don't mention *ONCE* her emotional well being or her pain. Oh well ....

Our M, pre-A was good.

No thanks to me.

I kept everything bottled up though so she had no idea what was going on with me and she is still reeling from me leaving her for OW.

Shucks! I slipped and mentioned my wife's feelings .... I better not make this a habit. Now , back to me and my feelings .... sorry for the slight detour!

I am at the point where I am contemplating quitting my job and begging for my W to take me back.

I want my betrayed wife to guarantee she will take me back BEFORE I end things with OW or take any steps to change jobs.

I get very sad when I think about it though because of how hard and uncomfortable it will be.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance

I also think about how everyone tells me to leave my W alone and that we both need to move on.

But really, the best solution FOR ME is to keep both women thinking I am just about to decide to spend the rest of my life with her ....

I worry that I would quit my job and go back to my W and she would not take me back.

Why should my wife have a choice here? Has she no consideration for MY feelings?


Or, our M would be too damaged to repair.

Or, it would require me to do some difficult things I don't feel like doing and things that make me have to consider the feelings of others.


I worry about her family and friends hating me forever and having to be around them.

I do have my reputation and my feelings to consider, yanno?

I worry about quitting my job and disappointing my students and the other teachers that would have to pick up my slack.

Because even though my personal life has been a complete disaster - none of this has hampered my ability to concentrate on my students - no, really - I am an extraordinary teacher - really, I am.


I also worry about quitting my job during a recession.

Too bad I did not think about this before I dipped my pen into the work inkwell.


At times I think I should not go back to my W and beg for forgiveness unless I am 100% sure that I do not love the OW.

Does this make sense? I need 100% clarity that I do not love another man's wife BEFORE I ask forgiveness from MY OWN wife. I am an extraordinary teacher - did I mention that?


Sometimes, I feel like I really love the OW and I am afraid that I will ruin a future life with her if I stop contacting her.

If I stop contacting OW (another man's wife) I might miss out on some tasty cake. And with my sweet tooth, well, I deserve it.


Am I just grieving the end of my marriage and that is why I am entertaining the idea of quitting my job to return to my wife?

See, I am grieving for myself - and no one else.


I go to therapy twice a week (for the past month and a half) and I see no improvement.

Do you think I should stop lying to the therapist?


I am still scared and pathetic, sad and confused.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambulance


I am so mad at myself for everything I have done to my W.

So mad in fact that I just sent a sexy text to OW (another man's wife).

I worry about her all the time and I feel like I want to keep her from anymore pain and go back to her.

I worry she and OW will both recognize how pathetic I am and both throw me into the ditch at the same time. I must move carefully here - if I want my cake to remain within reach.


But, what if I cause more pain?

What if I can't stop contacting the other man's wife?


What if she needs me to go away and not bother her so she can get stronger?

I'll throw her a bone - say what she wants to hear - and then when she's not looking - sneak around some more.

She did file for D, so I don't even know if she would take me back even if I quit my job, and then I could be without a job and without a home, without a wife.

I deserve a job, a home, a wife .... and an OW (another man's wife).

I know that had I not met the OW, we would be happy still and I would still be bottling things up and not talking to her about my EN's, but she would not be hurt, and I would not hate myself like I do now.

We were happy with me bottling things up, my lack of communication skills worked for us. What if my EN is having 2 women both wanting me? I think I hate myself because I can't have it all - I can't make a choice - I don't want to give up anything ....



What do I do?

Should I call OW's husband and apologize? WHAT? I don't even register him as a human being - why should I care about HIM? That's just silly

How do I get past what I have done?

And by "get past" , I mean pay no consequences.

SKK, speaking to you as a man who had an affair 3 & a half years ago & who almost wrecked a wonderful marriage on account of it, indulge me for a moment while I unpack this for you with the benefit of some hindsight & perspective which you (to put it diplomatically) might yet someday acquire, with effort & thoughtfulness, if you so choose:

Working on rebuilding? How so? Rebuilding depends upon a foundation of truth. You have determined to try to "rebuild" upon a foundation that's hollowed-out from the get-go by the ongoing deception that you have decided to maintain. You think your husband doesn't sense that you're not being honest, transparent or open with him? What effect do you think that has on his willingness to make himself vulnerable to you? Do you think it's been a positive effect?

Two thoughts can't occupy the same point in time, SKK. If you're continually thinking about your affair-partner, then you're not thinking about your husband, and not thinking about investing in your marriage. Marriage needs to be a full-time endeavor for it to work. You need to be all-in, not one foot (or one thought) on the boat and one foot (or thought) on the shore. Mentally, you continue to think about the other man more because you have not made a serious effort to foreclose to yourself the possibility of rekindling the affair at some future point. You can foreclose this by confessing to your husband and to the other man's wife, and by implementing a strict policy of no contact, for life. If you are serious about wanting to fix your marriage, that's what you'll do. Otherwise, you'll only be pretending (badly) to be serious.

Funny, in your ill-fated post of 6 months ago, you said it was OK. So did your affair have a beneficial effect on sex in your marriage? I guess not. Now that's a shocker, there, isn't it? Did you buy into the commonly-held cultural myth that having an affair can shore up a marriage?

For the love of God, please stop with the "children" bit. Can you please answer:
--Were you connecting with your daughter when you had your other man between your legs?
--Were you being attentive to your children while you were texting and talking with him to set up each clandestine rendezvous?
--Did you spend quality time with your daughter when you were en route to & from him?
Of course not.
Please just stop and listen to your own hypocrisy. As a parent who was guilty of the same sort of neglect, it makes me vomit. It should give you the same pause. Alleging that your spouse is a poor and neglectful parent to your children, when you have conspired to cuckold their father and maintain an ongoing deception against him, and when you spent months thinking foremost of your own satisfaction, is dishonorable, base and mean in the most pejorative senses of those words. Please do not continue with this line of discussion, except perhaps to apologize to every parent here. On this point, you are throwing stones from the cantilevered balcony of a glass house. You have no standing to criticize his parenting at this time. Just please stop, now.

How about doing a mental, back-of-the-envelope calcuation to add up all the time that you have spent investing in your relationship with the other man. Your thougts of him, your conversations with him, your electronic correspondence, and the time you spent together, the time you spent traveling back and forth, and the time and mental energy you invested in keeping up your alibis and cover stories in order to maintain the deception. Add it all up. Over 6 months, I'll bet it came to a considerable number of hours, if not weeks' worth of time from your life. That is time that you could have invested in your relationship with your husband, but chose not to. Do you think your husband did not sense that he was no longer your first priority during this time? How do you think that may have affected his comfort level in investing emotionally in you?

A better question to ask is, when will you start working on the marriage? Hint: You start from the point of honesty. You're not there yet. You have not even begun to work on rebuilding this marriage. You have not been working on this marriage for at least half a year now.

As I said, you have not yet begun to work.

The work of recovering a marriage begins with ending the affair properly (see links that have been posted to you by other posters), and it starts with honesty, with simple truth.

And the good news is, it can work. I'm living proof. The fact that my wife & I will celebrate our 20th anniversary later this month, more in love than ever, when it could've been all over before #17, is proof. But it has to start with honesty, and with humility to begin to see one's own shortcomings with some sense of perspective. Marital recovery needs to be a 2-way street, and if it is to work, then yes, at some point he will need to be willing to acknowledge ways in which he hasn't met your needs and to strive to improve upon that. But it needs to start from a foundation of truth -- there's no other way to marital intimacy.

You want to save your marriage? Then come clean. Get honest with your husband. Then come back and we'll walk you through the rest of it.
If you're at all serious about this, that is.

Dr. Harley said on the radio show the other day. There are three kinds of marriages.

1. The ones that both follow POJA and PORH and don't come here because they are living it

2. One spouse is trying to follow the program and the other spouse doesn't(these are the most he hears from)

3. The couple that even he can't help because they want to do their own thing

This post is really REALLY REALLY excellent advice to a female (SKK) still wayward-wife, from a male former wayward husband (GloveOil) who has a fully recovered marriage.


Marriage Builders works.
Cheating & lying are not marriage recovery tools.

Register and start posting to get REAL help.
Glove Oil and many, many others can steer you down the MB path to recovery.

** LINK ** to original thread

Welcome to all New Builders of marriages...

The people here represent men and women trying to improve their marriages. Many have just begun, others are veterans of many years. All struggle with the challenges of marital love; although others have fallen into deceit and betrayal. When infidelity enters the relationship, we have here both betrayed(faithful) spouses (BS) and betrayers(waywards)(WS) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP), and all filled with pain.

All of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB). Initially the acronyms/abbreviations are overwhelming... check out a summary of them here Abbreviations-Acronyms
There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the Marriage Builder's Home Page.

If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.

Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a sound understanding of Plan A and Plan B is crucial! For most everyone... Plan A... is an excellent starting point!

You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... a better alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out): Love Busters, Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Giver and Taker, The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA).

You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too!
The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the Articles and Infidelity Q&A.
The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the MB Bookstore... of most important for those marriages involving infidelity, or soon to be, is "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. This is the 'bible' for this forum.
Other books can be very useful as well... like "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters", and "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility".
There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.

Most of all... you will find compassion and love here. As an open forum there will always be some who come here not to help, but with other agendas; however, the vast majority of "members" do not judge... are not demeaning... and have no malice of heart! There are many who are here to simply help... and this includes not just for those betrayed... but the waywards as well!
The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.
We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.
Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, deep depression, and on and on... Again, these are felt not just by those betrayed... but in time by the waywards too. Even when no infidelity is involved, similar feelings in marriages gone astray have overwhelmed so many.

Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without support. That's where we come in! We care... because we know how it feels. Believe it... You are not alone!
Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!

You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... you are not alone!

There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately. The Harley's make no guarantees either... but offer the hope of self-improvement, self-healing and a refocusing of one's self to build esteem... and to live a life of satisfication again!
We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity.

Post... Post... Post... Reply...
Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!
Respond to those replying to your post!
It encourages them to continue helping!

I've been speaking on behalf of some very dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used "we"!
But... if you're here... join with them... they will join with you. We do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice based on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours...
and ask... ask... ask!

To help us understand your situation a bit better, and for you to get more responses, it is recommended that you provide a "story" of yourself. Consider creating a "signature line" on yourposts that will tell members alittle about you-- WHO you are (BS, WS,etc) How long married,kids, current status, Affairs? How many, how long, with whom, current status of affair? ETC....

---------------------------------------------

There are several 'infidelity' forums to meet the needs of many and allow you to do some more specific posting...
Marriage Builders 101 ... the Intro to Marriage Builders with general marriage building help based on Dr Harley's Concepts & Principles
In Recovery ...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.
Pregnancy/Child ...when the affair has resulted in a pregnancy/child
Surviving an Affair ... the most used forum... very active!... very supportive!

There are many other forums... all of which can be reached from the Forums Index
--------------------------------------------

Weekends and holidays tend to be slow...
...sometimes, very slow...
Be patient with responses then...

--------------------------------------------

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS!

(originally posted by OneGoing--revised by JustUss to fix links)

CONTENTS
1. You Can Survive This Affair 9
2. It Could Never Happen to Me! 12
3. How Do Affairs Begin? 27
4. How Do Affairs Usually End? 37
5. How Should Affairs End? 51
6. Preparing for Marital Recovery 67
7. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Protection 89
8. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Care 109
9. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Time 125
10. Marital Recovery Guided by The Rule of Honesty 138
11. ManagingResentmentandRestoringTrust:Completing
Marital Recovery Part 1 153
12. RenewingMaritalCommitment:Completing Marital Recovery Part 2 162

Appendices
A The Most Important Emotional Needs 173
B Emotional Needs Questionnaire 181
C Personal History Questionnaire 193
D Marital Recovery Agreement 211

About the Authors 217
Books by Dr. Harley 218

YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS AFFAIR
If you are a victim of infidelity, you have been on the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. Most couples caught up in the tragedy of an affair tell us that they have never felt such intense emotions. They are overwhelmed by anger, depression, fear,
guilt, loneliness, and shame.

A betrayed spouse will ask, How could my spouse do this to me�
cheating on me, lying to me over and over again? I can never trust my spouse again. I have so much anger and resentment it scares me. My feelings go way beyond hurt�I can�t even put into words the pain I am feeling.

A wayward spouse often says, I used to beg my spouse for more attention but I never beg anymore�my lover gives me all the attention I need. But I don�t know if the attention I�m getting is worth the price. One moment I�m sure I�ve done the right thing. Then I look into the faces of my children and I�m not sure anymore. I don�t want to give up my family but if I give up my lover, I�ll be losing the best thing that ever happened to me. What should I do? I�m an emotional wreck!
When a couple feel such strong emotions, many question if marital reconciliation is possible. How can we ever recover from such pain? And even if we recover, can we live with the memory of betrayal? Can we ever trust each other again? Can we ever love each other again?

If you are a wayward spouse or a betrayed spouse, you may be undecided as to what to do next. One moment you want to divorce your spouse, and the next you want to try to reconcile. That�s the way most people in your situation feel because there are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. Divorce carries with it the destruction of a family and the loss of a spouse you may still love, and yet reconciliation means you will be living with the scars of betrayal and the risk of another affair. Your emotional reactions may be so strong that you simply cannot make the choice right now.


Even if you have decided that marital reconciliation is impossible, or if it�s only you or only your spouse who wants to survive the affair and restore your marriage, I would like you to consider my strategy for recovery. It has proven successful for thousands of couples, and once you understand its objectives, you may be willing to try it. My plan is that narrow path that gets you beyond the affair, helps you make your marriage better than it�s ever been, and protects you from future affairs.

Time to own it, time to claim responsibility, time to hold yourself accountable!!!!!!

No more, I was manipulated.

No more, I was taken advantage of.

No more, I was lonely.

No more, I was mistreated.

No more, my needs were not being met.

Stop playing the victim!!!!!!!! Once you take responsibility for your choices you can move on to recovery. If you are still feeling justified, you can not move ahead.

I will NOT give OM any credit in my choice to have an A. It was my choice, he did not have a gun to my head, I'm smarter than his smooth talk, I'm smarter than his manipulation, he did not win me over. I chose it, because of who I was. Not because of who he was. Would I chose it again, not on your life!!!

I am owning my Affair. I am taking responsibility for it. It was ME, not my H's neglect, not OM, it was ME!!!!!!!!!!

I'm asking all other WS, to claim responsibility, to hold yourself accountable, to know that it was all YOU, and move on to working on you, to make sure this doesn't happen again. Find out why you chose to have an A, and improve on yourself.

Rebuild yourself and your M. Stand up and say,"I" made a mistake, I am sorry, and I will lead my life differently so I do not repeat history.

When you have taking control, when you have stopped pointing the finger, when you own it, you can then move on from it. I really feel this is a pivotal step to recovering a better you and a better Marriage.

Once I stopped being the victim of my H's past behavior, and of the OM's lure, I was able to really embrace my mistake, and work through it, and see me for who I was at the time. I was able to see how my character flaws played such a huge part in my choice to have this A.

I'm in no way saying be proud of what you did. Just in case somebody misunderstands me. I'm just saying, admit your failures, admit it was you and your choice alone, admit there is something about you, that needs to be improved.

No more victims, WS & FWS. It was a very bad choice we made, but it was our choice, stand up and claim it.

I had an Affair because of my character flaws, and I'm taking steps everyday to create a better me for myself and for my H, so our marriage can be blissful and affair proof.

BS, step aside and allow them to take full responsibilty for this. I know it is less painful to think OP had control, your S failed you, it is they who need to be held acountable.

Stepping down off my soapbox.

Recovered wife, KY

I miss Pep. I just noticed her "taking a break" thread in other topics but hope she comes back soon. Until then, we can all benefit from bumping some of her wisdom.

Mr. W